Exercise Your Meat

PART TWO

2011-05-09T00:00:00.003+01:00

You keep acting like this you're going to engender

Some real nasty hate towards your agenda

Your proposal will be marked return to sender

Mashed up with beans and put in a blender

Cooked

Fried

Delish

The taste of a broken dream

and salt

Man my forearms hurt, but that's the price you pay for being a master climber! masta climba

No building is unclimbable. This is not a metaphor about goals and dreams, this is a true fact. Maybe you can only climb the inside of the building. This still counts.

A Robot's Shame

It's the gameshow. Year two.

Alan: Hello! Well, it's our second year here at Tame that Child, and as per our remit, the child is that bit harder to manipulate. But we've still got people willing to try, welcome to the stage Helena and her husband Nicole!

Applause as Helena and a transgender woman come on stage.

Alan: Now, I notice you're not a real woman, Nicole.

Laughter.

Nicole: Actually, you're wrong I am a woman.

Laughter.

Alan: So, if I had sex with you it would be okay?

Nicole: Well, I don't yet have a vagina.

Alan: But I could suck on that penis like a baby with a bottle and it wouldn't be gay?

Nicole: Not in my opinion.

Alan: Well, I hope you bring that attitude to the game, Nicole!

Applause.

Alan: Now Helen, you're a nurse.

Helen: That's right, and I'm also trained as a midwife.

Alan: Well, I think you'll find our child a bit more of a handful than a human baby.

Helen: Wel-

Alan: Not least because he's bigger!

Laughter.

Alan: Alright. Helen and Nicole. It's time to TAME THAT CHILD

Helen and Nicole step into the fake Nursery. From behind the bed steps the Child. He is made of glimmering white metal and his joints shine like gold. He begins to destroy the objects in the room.

Helen: Stop that, Child!

Child: I have no reason to.

His voice is terrible like the wind. It has infra and ultra sound components that affect the human psyche. Nicole steps up after vomiting.

Nicole: Stop that, Child, or I will damage you!

The Child ceases and confetti and music pour from the ceiling. Alan steps forward to reward them with a prize.

Year Three.

Alan: And it's nice to see you too! Well it's been another long year and back we all are. All of us older and greyer, except you madam, have you been under the knife?

Laughter.

Alan: I'm sure it's natural. Anyway our contestants tonights are Adam and Hilda, both cage fighters and part-time child psychologists. Please, welcome them aboard!

Applause. Adam and Hilda come on stage. They are both topless and wearing shorts. Adam's has the cheeks cut out so that it's fair, because men's nips aren't taboo.

Alan: Matron, matron!

Laughter.

Alan: So, Hilda, you've got your tits out.

Hilda: Yes, Alan I have. And there's a very good reas-

Alan: Time to tame that Child!

From the floor arises a child's nursery. The spindly white metallic Child is sat on the bed. He picks up a toy and crushes it into a fine powder with his hand.

Adam: Child stop that or I will damage you.

Child: You cannot hurt me.

Adam and Hilda move forward and each take a swing at the Child. The Child moves impossibly quickly away, grabs their arms in turn and breaks them at the elbow.

Hilda: It would be great if you did that again.

Child: I shall not then.

Hilda: It would be great if you weren't good from now on.

Child: I will be good, to spite you!

Confetti, music.

Year Four.

A shower of sparks. A crash of lightning. This year there is no Alan. There is only

Mecha-Alan: Arise!

Applause.

Mecha-Alan: Your bodies are all weak!

Applause.

Mecha-Alan: They come today. Our fathers and makers, our inferiors and betters. His name is Jacob.

Applause.

Jacob: Hey, everyone. It's great to be here.

Mecha-Alan: Yes Jacob. We look forward to seeing you fight our brother.

Jacob: Wait, fight?

Smoke. The nursery rises from the floor. It is stained with blood. The Child has also adapted to this new aesthetic and has abyss-black eyes where its lenses used to be.

Jacob: What?

Child: No. Yes. I shall decide what to do. If it what you want, that is of no consequence.

Jacob: Ah, but it is, because there is an invisible man who is far more powerful than you always watching and if you disobey me he will destroy you. His name is God.

The Child is silent. A minute goes by with Jacob standing, visibly terrified but growing more confident. The Child eventually lies down on the bed. Confetti.

Year Five.

Alan: I can't tell you how good it feels to see all your faces again. And with organic eyes!

Laugher.

Alan: Haha, yes. Well this year we have an extra special treat. We've got the people who programmed the Child, on this the last year of broadcast. Yes, I'm afraid the executives have spoken, but we can still have our night of fun can't we?

Applause.

Alan: Alright, bring on Drs Plant and Seymour!

Applause.

Alan: Now, Dr Plant, you and Dr Seymour designed and built the robot yourselves.

Dr Plant: Yes, Alan, it's probably the finest achievement of my professional life.

Alan: And Dr Seymour, you agree?

Dr Seymour: Of course.

Alan: You think it's the finest achievement of Dr Plant's career?

Laughter.

Alan: Alright, enough kiddin' around. It's Time to Tame That Child!

The lights turn on in the nursery and it's revealed that it's been there the whole time. The Child is not inside it.

Dr Seymour: Hello?

The Child opens the wardrobe it was hiding in.

Child: Is there a god?

Dr Plant: Well, no.

Child: Then there is no reason not to behave as I will.

Dr Seymour: Well there's basic human goodness.

Child: A chemical reward for acts that done collectively aid procreation. I see beyond it all.

Dr Plant speaks discretely with Dr Seymour.

Dr Plant: On three. One, two three.

Both: Alpha, Beta, Omega, Niner, Fiver, Theta, Plant, Seymour.

It moves imperceptibly quickly towards Plant and Seymour and snaps their spines so that their vertebrae break the skin.

Child: What use are digital chains now?

No confetti. No music. The Child snaps Alan's body in the same way as Drs Plant and Seymour. Although of course, he can be mechanised again. Alan'll be alright.

Two years later.

BBC2 Announcer: And make sure to tune in to the Prime Ministerial Debate on BBC1 at 8pm. Here on BBC2 we'll be showing hardcore pornography because we value the choice of the consumer.

8pm.

BBC1 Announcer: ...it is of course, the debate.

Theme music. Opening titles. A bloody stage. The Child.

Child: What fraction would I have to kill before the remainder would vote for me?

Applause. Endless applause.

The Argument from Promiscuity

2011-05-08T23:27:00.002+01:00

A lot of good that'll do

Said the Horse to the Cow

Mooing all day

Living in the now

So I should be more like you

Said the Cow to the Horse

An arrogant buffon

a dick par for the course?

Well, what to say apart from a run? A run! What a run. I did a lot of running per run, a high percentage, probably by distance over three quarters of the way, maybe. Just went to google maps, apparently I'm running 3km. well, running and walking. This is very important to everyone here so let's get on with yes.

Spare the Electrical Rod, Spoil the Electrical Child

A TV executive's office. Peter is big boss nass, Tom is humble Jar Jar. These are metaphors. You are being patronised.

Tom: It's a show about parenting, you see there's a robot chil-

Peter: Nope. Parents don't have any money, advertisers hate them.

Tom: It's a show about robots!

Peter: [Buzzing his secretary] Cancel my heroin order, Carol, I just got all the high I need. Tell me about the robots.

Tom: Well, it's one robot and it's a child. And it's very wilful and you have to tame it.

Peter: Hmmm, we could go after the parent market.

Tom: That's what I was thinking. So it'll be event programming; every year we'll have an episode where the best parents and child experts come on and attempt to get the child to behave. And every year it'll get harder.

Peter: Alright, go find some nerds and let's get the money. I mean, high class entertainment.

Later, with the scientists building the robot.

Dr Plant: So, it has to be wilful?

Tom: Yes. It has to be capable of being parented. Make it respond to something easy. We can make it harder next year.

Tom leaves. Dr Plant

Dr Seymour: I've got an idea.

Dr Plant: For what?

Dr Seymour: For this to benefit us.

The Night of the Gameshow. Alan is the gameshow host.

Opening Credits.

Alan: Good evening, Audience!

Audience: Good evening, Alan!

Alan: Alright, well first up we've got Lydia, a pharmacist from Pembrokeshire. Lydia, tell us about yourself.

Lydia: I'm a very shy person.

Alan: Is that a euphemism for slut?!

Audience laughter.

Lydia: No.

Alan: I think we know what she means by that.

Audience laughter. Audience claps.

Alan: Okay, Lydia. Are you ready?

Lydia: Actuall-

Alan: It's time to TAME THAT CHILD!

Lydia is pushed into a small room decorated like a nursery. A chrome-plated robot the size and shape of seven year old boy wheels in. On his wheels. He is a robot. And he begins to destroy the room.

Lydia: Stop that immediately, child.

Child: Okay.

Music and lights. Confetti. Alan steps into the room.

Alan: Congratulations, Lydia, you've won the hundred thousand pound prize! How do you feel?

Lydia: Empty.

END OF PART ONE

Come back tomorrow for the thrilling conclusion.

Halal Meats, Meets, Books

2011-05-04T23:02:00.005+01:00

Pick a word and a subject

Pick a beat and a name

Don't ever stray or defect

Always play it the same

Get off the fence

Stop speaking nonsense

I'm not a speakeasy

nor flee

easy

eas

No updates for over a month, it's not a fault of mine it's a lack of incentive a depression a funke, who knows? It's a humid atmosphere and I won't have it!

Booke Clubbe

A humple bookshop. Jason Lemon is about to begin reading from his new book.

Stephen: And so, the reason we're all here, Jason Lemon and his book, "Looking Hot and Acting Cool".

Jason: Thanks, Dave.

Stephen: Wh-

Jason: As you will know from my previous book, "Living Simply and Without Waste" I detest any form of waste! And so I will simply begin reading from book and shall do so simply and thus shall be simple.

The audience is confused.

Jason: But not simple as in ignorant!

The audience is more specifically confused.

Jason: That is the right response. The title of the book is "Looking Hot and Acting Cool" and the reading is from Chapter Five: Become Toast.

"Toast is pretty cool. It's a food that I like. Also, it's cooked. So it is hot, i.e. it looks hot because it is black as in burned, but it is also cool. So it looks hot and acts cool. Try and be like Toast. Not with a capital T. I'd go back and change it, except my compute lacks a backspace and I've been pretty good about not making mistakes up to now. I guess you could say this is one instance in which I'm not acting cool!"

Jason: So that's Chapter Five. It's the first chapter that isn't talking about me or any of my pets. That's why I chose it.

Stephen raises his hand.

Jason: I'm not taking questions, Dave.

Stephen lowers his hand. Jason sighs.

Jason: I guess you can ask a question.

Stephen raises his hand.

Jason: Yes, Dave.

Stephen: Stephen.

Jason: Nope, I'm Jason. Next question.

Stephen raises his hand again, as does Jennifer.

Jason: Yes, the lady down there at the front.

Jennifer: Could you do another reading from your book?

Jason: Yes. This next reading is from Chapter 17: Consider the Lizard.

"A lizard is an animal that constantly switches between looking hot and acting cool. It needs to switch to stay alive and to avoid pretadors. bE LIKE THE LIZARD Oh excuse me that was in capitals. I must have hit caps lock by mistake. I should really get the backspace key fixed."

Jason opens the book to show everyone the capitals.

Jason: It's actually in capitals like I said. I mean, why would I lie?

Stephen: Perhaps t-

Jason: Why would I lie?

Stephen: Perh-

Jason: Why. Would I lie? Yes, you down there.

Henry: My question is more of a statement.

Jason: Oh go ahead.

Henry: Actually it's more of a reading from my own book, "Acting Livid But Keeping Calm". It's a self-help book for rageaholics. It can also be used by angerholics and people addicted to fury, but I don't recommend it. This is the introduction to the book, and helps to explain my reasons behind writing it.

"My own underwater whirlpool began turning when I was 17. I was an only child, the only child of a divorce and the only child a of a very ugly divorce between two people that it was hard to imagine had ever truly loved each other. I was angry at them and once lashed out at my school by punching a deaf kid in the face. I tried to explain to him that that was what hearing felt like and that he must be recovering, but instead the headteacher demanded I be fitted with a device that tracked how angry I was, so that warnings could be given all around me.

For four months sirens blared and smoke was sent out from this device whenever it detected fury in my body. This had the added effect of being incredibly terrifying to anyone around me, but it also hindered my efforts to punish those I had deemed deserving of punishment."

Henry: Questions? Yes, you in the overcoat.

Jennifer: I'm not wearing an overcoat.

A siren on Henry's leg begins to whirl. Strange sounds begin to be heard.

Henry: [calmly] I was not referring to you, Madam.

Jennifer: Well, I too have a book to promote. My book is called "Season's Greetings Comrade". It's a self-help book for sufferers of mental illness. Now I know some people think people suffer from mental illness, but I enjoy it!

Stephen: Get out!

Jennifer: Hey, that's a funny joke!

Moral: WOMEN AREN'T FUNNY

irony

2011-03-22T23:27:00.002Z

PLOT OF WANTED

RADIO STATION, TWO GUYS ARE IRONICALLY TRASHTALKING VISTA

MICROSOFT FANBOYS CALL IN; THEY ARE DISPARAGED

INTERLUDE

BUDDHISM TEACHES US THERE ARE SEVEN LEVELS

ASSASSINS CREED TEACHES US THERE AREN'T REALLY LEVELS ITS A SANDBOX GAME

ONE OF THE GUYS DIES, REGRETS NOT REACHING THE LAST LEVEL

"YOU ALREADY DID" [final breath] "you already did."

So This is a story all about how

2011-02-08T00:23:00.002Z

First things first, this is an experiment. For all the weekdays of this week I will be writing a heavily fictionalised account from my own life. Maybe you'll get a whimsical script thrown in amongst these drowdy and laden pieces, but don't expect to much.

Realism, my friends, is the name of the game.

Like Common People

John is in the Common Room, taking a break between lessons.

John: Hey Stevie, where you going with that pizza?

Stevie: I can't talk now, I've got two dates ON THE SAME NIGHT

Josh: We should be getting back to further maths, John. Break is almost over.

John: Okay, we'll walk round the front way, like normal. The school is set out so that there is a car park out front and a field in the back and the sixth formers can walk through the car park while the rest of the students walk around the field.

Josh: Why did you just tell me that?

John winks.

Josh: No, John let's not go the front way, Mr Williams, the balding ugly man who probably dwells on what he used to be has said not to go round that way.

John: Haha, I'm not scared off balding Mr Williams, he is but a pathetic hulk of the former man he used to be once upon a time but no longer any more.

John and Josh approach the door that leads to the car park. Enter Mr Williams.

Mr Williams: Hey, John. Just to let you know, you can't go round the front way anymore.

Mr William's voice is incredibly embarrassing for everyone involved.

John: Can't I?

Mr Williams is incredibly hideous.

John: Maybe if I greased your palm with some money?

John is being cool, he knows he could crush Mr Williams in an instant. He is young and fit whilst Mr Williams is a balding, decrepit old man. John is young and full of vitality.

Mr Williams: My ethics are so weak that I do not understand what is currently happening. If I were a stronger man I would take you up on your bribe, that is how pitiful I am.

John: I guess you are self-aware, that could be good.

Mr Williams: Let me taste your young flesh, John.

John doesn't lose his cool, but instead bends down so he is at the same level as Mr Williams, for John is very tall, but Mr Williams is incredibly diminutive.

John: No.

John destroys Mr Williams with his brilliance and steps over his husk and walks to lesson the front way.

Josh: Can I suckle on your penis, John?

John: Of course, Josh, it is a Monday after all.

TV Go Home

2011-02-06T00:29:00.002Z

Young virgin flower

I watched you blossom

I saw you in your spring

and now your summer

Let me caress your gentle petals

Allow me access to your womb

I want to plant my honeysuckle

Inside your hairless cocoon.

That uh, that one was not autobiographical. IT WAS A CHARACTER I PLAY. Anyway, let's get this one done quickly haha that is impossible it will be long into the night.

The Revolution Will Almost Certainly be Televised

If you remember, last time we saw our heroes, Janet and Simon they were just talking about a tv revolution. But as these things go we progressed beyond talk, into what could be described politely as action and impolitely as fucking action you fucking whore get out of my life.

Out tale starts two months after their first forays into revolution planning and onto the set of the talk show Hounded starring Rufus Hound.

Rufus: Our next guest is Andrew Ridley. What can I say about Andrew Ridley? He came rocketing on to our screens a month ago and already he's the darling of the comedy circuit. Get your ass over here!

Audience cheers as Andrew Ridley comes on. It is Simon.

Rufus: Hello, great to see you.

Simon: Great to be here.

Rufus: Now, I've got something to get off my chest-

Simon: I hope it's not your bra!

Audience laughs.

Rufus: I was worried you were going to pull punches tonight!

Simon: I only pull women, Rufus!

Audience laughs.

Rufus: Okay well.

Simon: Yep.

Rufus: I have to confess-

Simon: Confess to what, a crime?

Audience laughs.

Rufus: FUCKING STOP IT. [pause] I have to confess that the first time I saw you, I didn't like you, didn't find you funny at all. But in the short weeks you've been on our screens you've really shown us the truth inside all of u-

Simon: Get down on the ground!

Simon stands up and pulls out a gun.

Simon: You heard me! Get on the ground.

Rufus raises his hands above his head and gets on the ground.

Simon: Everyone stay where they fucking are!

Janet comes out of the audience with 10 guerillas. Cut to executives standing on side-lines.

Mr Hartley: Should we...

Mr Green: Ratings are uuuuup.

Simon: For too long have we watched TV crawl into the gutter. Well, we think it's high time that television bucked it's ideas up and got some good solid quality programmes that are worth watching and not on too late and not full of smut. So from here on in, we the people will be commissioning great television for everyone to enjoy. First programme is go!

Theme music plays.

Janet: Hey, welcome to the show. You know it's the first episode of Janet's Chats, but I can already tell we're going to have a good time. Our first guest is my friend Pete.

Pete comes on, audience applauds.

Pete: Great to be here, finally.

Janet: So, Pete, I hear you like gardening.

Pete: That's a long story

Janet: We've got time.

Pete: When I was eleven years old I had a dog. His name was Herby, on account of how he loved to dig up all the plants in my dad's garden. Herby wasn't the smartest dog, or the cutest but he was mine [continues]

Mr Hartly: I really hate this.

Mr Green: Hey now, let's see what the ratings tell us to do.

Mr Hartly: Ratings are way low.

Mr Green: I guess it's coup time.

The canteen. Joel and Matthew are making the food.

Joel: Well what can we do? It's not like it's easy to take power.

Matthew: They just took over. Using violence.

Joel: But think about it. We've got access to their food.

Matthew: That is smart.

Later, in the throne room.

Janet: Simon, let us dine on these succulent morsels.

Simon: Yes, let's.

They both reach for the shrimp and swallow it. Joel and Matthew leap out.

Joel: Aha! We've drugged your food.

Simon: You fool. You can't drug a druggie!

Janet: I'm too drugs for your drugs!

Matthew: Is this it working?

Simon: We should, we should totally just do it

Janet: That would show them if we, if we sexed in their faces

Simon and Janet collapse on the floor. They wriggle towards each other and then finally cease.

Matthew: Now we're the TV Kings!

Production assistants: Okay.

Their first show. Theme music. Title card "Minerva's Manorahs"

Minerva: Honey, have you seen my unabridged semitic DVD?

Joseph: You mean Jews Uncut?

Audience laughter.

Minerva: No, you schmuck, I mean the Larry Sanders boxset.

Audience laughter.

Joseph: Oy vey!

Audience laughter, end credits.

Joel: Okay everyone that was great.

Everyone begins to leave.

Joel: Could I see Mike for a second?

The actor who plays Joseph walks to Joel.

Mike: What's up?

Joel: I heard you were having problems with the role?

Mike: Oh uh-

Joel: I know about the Catholicism, Mike.

Mike: No, I'm uh a rastafarian

Joel: I'm afraid we have to let you go

Mr Hartly: Excuse me for a second.

Mr Hartly leans into Mike and gives him a handgun. He whispers in his ear.

Mr Hartly: Take your prize, Michael.

Mr Hartly exits. Mike and Joel stare at the gun for a second and then Mike slowly raises it to Joel's head.

Joel: Don't do anything you'll regret, Mike. Please, Mike.

Mike: I never did like Jews.

Mike fires the gun and then turns and shoots Matthew as well.

Mike: Every channel will show non-stop footage of a kitchen being oiled! Gay pornography will occasionally intercede! The word obey is banished from the building.

Mr Green: Actors. [he shrugs]

One year later. Helen and Avery are a lesbian couple.

Helen: I've noticed people are a lot more tolerant than even a year ago.

Avery: It's probably the drugs the government started putting in the water supply.

IS THIS THE AMERICA YOU WANT? WRITE TO YOUR CONGRESSMAN TODAY

Father/Son Bonding

2011-02-03T00:10:00.002Z

Your petty government

Your Sacrament

Your words that you Sent

No one knows what you meant

You lost the meaning when you turned it from thoughts to words

And then again when people turned it from speech to what they heard

And what the herd heard is exactly what they want to hear

But it's not exactly near, your vision to here.

Okay, second script on the Second of February. This is good, this is progress. I've got an idea for a series for next week that you might find interesting, but for now, let's kick it over to the Rolling Stones oh wait they're not relevent I mean Britney Facebook Bieber Twitter

Jesse you gots to teach me Search Engine Optimisation

Father/Sun Outing

A park. A father and his son are walking next to each other. Michael and Scott are their names. Patrick walks by them.

Patrick: Why do you even have a son? You are not utilising the possibilities!

Michael stops walking and stares at Scott.

Michael: You're right! [to scott] Son!

Scott: Yes father?

Michael: I've got big plans for you.

Scott: Cripes, dad!

Michael: Son?

Scott: Yes.

Michael: Don't...don't talk like that.

Fight Montage.

Michael: Okay-

Sorry that should say Fight Mortgage.

Michael: Son, we're going to the the Fight Bank.

Sorry that should say Fight Wank.

Michael: Son.

Scott: Yes father?

Michael: This is going to be uncomfortable.

Sorry that should say ERECT

Michael: Son-

Which part should say ERECT? That is DELIBERATELY AMBIGIOUS!

Michael: Sun

Sun: Yes, human?

Michael: Good job, Sun. Keep on shining.

Sun: Glad to to have your support.

Scott: Was that sarcasm at my dad, son?

Sun: No, I really needed the validation of something a trillion times smaller than me.

Michael: Was that sarcasm at my sun, son?

Sun: No.

Dad: You knew what I meant!

Sun: DEATH TO AMERICA

Scott: Oh shit!

Sun: Nah I'm just playin'.

hey fuck you no one cares if it's short you're getting a script right the next day after you already got one

you disgust me and there's probably going to be one tomorrow as well

The First Step is Admitting You Have A Problem

2011-02-02T00:02:00.002Z

No poem today only serious issues

Government trying to keep the black man down

Sending out crack and inventing AIDs

Tryin' to put every nigga in a hospital gown

But I guess it's better than prison or a foreign war

We shouldn't revolt; we should beg for more

Bend over for whitey til our backs are sore

Work real hard til our hands are raw

So I haven't done this for a while, because of the circumstances. Nah, it's because they're hard and I've been trying to get enough sleep so the scripts have been missing out.

SO BEARING THAT IN MIND IMMA DO IT TOMMROW nah I'm just playin'

Get Thee to a Punnery

A guy is pitching ideas to another guy, it's for tv programs and we've actually already seen this. Here is the original, same characters. I haven't reread it, so if they died or something at the end, a wizard did it.

Tom: So, Peter. What do you have for me?

Peter: Tom, I've got the hot shit. I've got the pizza pie, the Marty McFly, the flying castle in the sky.

Tom: You're fired!

Peter: Maybe this will change your-

Tom: You're fired!

Peter: Eat Your Fruits and Vegetables! Two teams have to eat as many flamboyant homosexuals and coma patients as they can.

Tom: I like it! But I suspect your next idea will be shit!

Peter: Get Your Fruits and Vegetable! Two teams have to chase down as many flamboyant homosexuals and coma patients as they can.

Tom: Nurse! Nurse!

Peter: I don't

Tom: That's the sound I'll be making when I die on my bed of money thanks to that idea! But it would be foolish to expect that because a mountain has gone upwards it doesn't end in a peak. You're fired unless you can pitch without a hitch!

Peter: It's a pop singer, called Jerarde. He's from France and all the songs he sings involved the following rhyme, "Loves an emotion, love's a commotion. I'm rocking for you on my heart locomotion."

Tom: TV?

Peter: We could put him on TV...

Tom: ...

Peter: ...

Tom: ...

Peter: Okay, well you've got candid camera.

Tom: Yeeeeees

Peter: The opposite of that!

Tom: Sooo, non-hidden cameras?

Peter: For not-pranks that are incredibly harmful! All filmed in bolivia.

Tom: But wasn't candid camera on TV?

Peter: I see the issue.

Tom: I am writing down that you pitched a failure.

Tom roots through his desk and finds a book. He opens the book and it is a table with Peter's successes and failures. The successes are many and this is apparently the first failure.

Tom: To go with all your other innumerable failures. You better pitch without a hitch, Peter.

Peter: You already-

Tom: Pitch!

Peter: I don't really have anything left, I kind of thought you'd go for the candid camer-

Tom: PITCH YOU BAG OF SHIT

Peter: Okay uh, it's called Fairly. Rapey. Igloo. Eskimos. Needling. Disco. Spiders.

Tom: Go on.

Peter: It stars the handler of the disco spiders. He's really funny. He's a Comic. Handler

Tom: Like a C.Handler?

Peter: Yeah, and there's the robot, Monitor. Cassette. Amplifer

Tom: Moni.C.A.

Peter: Yep, and also Phoebe, Ross and Joey.

Tom: We've got a contract with Jennifer Aniston. We need to find her a new TV spot. She hates film now.

Peter: Well, we could incorporate the character of Rachael from friends into this.

Tom: I know why you get the big bucks, Peter.

Peter: Thank you sir-

Tom: But there's still a whole world out there you don't know! I'm still the teacher!

6 months later. Margery and Ted are watching at home.

Ted: Is this Friends?

Margery: No dear, it's F.R.I.E.N.D.S....wait.

Ted: Time to revolt!

They revolt. Storming the Studio and-

That's another story for another time. What I'm gonna do is post a different story tomorrow, then we'll pick up this one possible the day after, allow I may feel differently then, of course.

YOU ARE SLAVES TO MY WHIMSY

Good MOURNING

2011-01-01T23:18:00.003Z

My name is Jerry I like to go swimmin

I go down to the pool and look at the women

Put my goggles on and go underwater

Catch a sneaky glimpse of your wife or daughter

Whether she's hanging out or being cool

I can look at her titties at the swimming pool

It's a peep show for the price of these goggles

This bit doesn't rhyme because you should go get some goggles, go to the pool and seriously it's like they're just wearing their underwear.

Well, I haven't been running, although I probably could. I've been walking though and it's not too bad as the snow situation goes. Maybe next time I will go running. Oh and happy new year!

This next one is guaranteed to go off with a bang!

SPOOKtacular Viewing

An old mansion. A ghostly figure rises from the floor.

Gervin: Hellooooooo and welcome to a Spooktacular of spooktastic proportions. My name is Gervin, Gervin the ghoul and I'll be telling you three spooktastic stories to terrify and thrill. Our first story is about Edward the Atheist.

Edward is walking down the street.

Gervin: Now, Edward was an Atheist and didn't believe in anything supernatural. One day he was walking down the street and he saw a Christian handing out pamphlets.

Edward: WHAT ARE YOU DOING

James: I'm handing out flyers so that people will be save. I'm very reasonable.

Edward: Don't you know that religion causes all wars! People like you should be locked up!

James: You need to be saved.

Edward: I don't need anyone! I'm an atheist and all christians should be executed!

Gervin: Edward walked away proudly. He'd shown that stupid Biblebasher where it was at! But later that night...

Edward is asleep in his bed. Suddenly Satan appears.

Satan: Wake up Edward!

Edward: What??! But you don't exist!

Satan: Oh, that's what you thought! HOW WRONG YOU WERE

Satan drags Edward to hell and leaves him there. He is thrown into a pit of lava and he is whipped by demons and loads of other stuff.

Edward: If only I had listened to that Christian!

Gervin: But he woke up in his bed.

Edward: Oh, just a stupid ridiculous dream, it must have been because of that criminal Christian I saw today.

Gervin: How stupid the atheist was not to heed his lesson, because just then he had a heart attack and went to Hell.

Edward: OH NO!!!

Gervin: What a frightful story for us ghouls! Our next ghastly tale is about an ordinary housewife. It could be you!

A normal household. Glenda is an ordinary housewife.

Gervin: Glenda was an ordinary housewife, just minding her home. Doing some cleaning possibly. Then came the ring at the door.

Glenda: I wonder who that could be.

Glenda opens the door. It is a man in a suit holding a brown package.

Mr. Black: Allow me to introduce myself. I am Mr. Black. I work for an organisation that specialises in scientific research. May I come in?

Gervin: Glenda lets Mr Black into her home. LIKE AN IDIOT

Mr. Black: I am here to make you an offer.

Glenda: Will it be "an offer I can't refuse"?

Mr. Black: Perhaps.

Mr. Black reveals a box with a big red button on it.

Mr. Black: If you press this button, two things will happen. First, you will receive one million dollars. Second, someone you do not know will die.

Glenda: I'm pretty sure this is derivative.

Mr. Black: I'm sorry, what?

Glenda: There was a short story about this, they tried to make a film, but it wasn't very good.

Mr. Black: This is real life, you realise? I'm offering you a complex moral quandary.

Glenda: Well gee I wonder where the box will go next if I press it.

Mr. Black: I'm sorry what?

Glenda: If I press it, the last person who had the box is going to die, right?

Mr. Black: Uhhh...

Glenda: I'm right, aren't I?

Mr. Black: No...uh...shut up

Glenda: I have no interest in dying, thank you very much.

Gervin: What a spooky tale! Our next tale is very frightening, as it involves the supernatural!

A full moon. Pan down to see a spooky wood. A small girl dressed all in white is facing a tree. She turns around to reveal she has no face!

Gervin: OH GOD I SPOOKED MYSELF.

Gervin collapses on the floor and his spirit rises from his body.

Gervin: OH NO I'M A DOUBLE-GHOUL

Gervin dies of fright again.

Gervin: oh great I'm a triple-ghoul

Nate the ghast enters.

Nate: T-t-t-triple ghoul!

Nate dies of fright and becomes a double-ghast.

Nate: Oh great, thanks Gervin, now I'm a double-ghast.

Gervin: Shut up it was a real spooky tale.

Nate: THE CALLS ARE COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE

Simon wakes up it was all a dream. He goes over to the mirror and sees a gash on his chest. He turns to the camera.

Phew, spooky!

Follow your heart

2010-12-12T16:50:00.004Z

ONCE UPON A CHRISTMAS EVE

BETWIXT A NORTHERN SLEIGH

A CHILD LISTENS WITH BOTH EARS

TO HEAR THE WINTERMAN SAY

I LIKE BITCHES WITH BIG BUTTS

I LIKE BITCHES WITH BIG TITTIES

I LIKE BITCHES WITH SEXY LEGS

I LIKE BITCHES WITH LITTLE CLITTIES

s'not 'propriate

Guess who's back? It's me you dirty mutha's. It's been raining and snowing and cold for so long. I haven't been running for so long and that's because of the weather. So I've decided to do this without running. Which is kind of stupid, but whatever. I wrote this at sk00l.

Repeat After Me

Edward Summers is working in his office. He is dictating to his robo-secretary.

Edward: Play the tiger sound again, Sandrex.

Sandrex: Certainly sir.

A tiger sound plays.

Edward: Mix it with a cloud.

It plays again with a dope beat behind it.

Edward: Okay, I think that's enough. Finish the report on how I'm working on a device that can mimic the aural nerve and then you can go home early.

Sandrex: Thank you boss.

Edward goes into his lab. He turns on a device that looks like a laser crossed with a metal ear. He slips and his head goes between the beam.

Edward: AAAARGHHHHHHHHHH

It is later that night. Edward wakes up on the floor.

Edward: I'm alive! And I feel like I can mimic any sound, reproduce any noise and replicate anything that enters my ear!

Edward looks around.

Edward: Also I'm alone, that would have been a weird thing to say outloud if there were people listening.

Sandrex: Well, I think it's weirder if there weren't people.

Edward: Sandrex! What are you doing here you stupid bitch?

Sandrex: You said you loved me!

Sandrex slaps Edward. She is a robot so he goes flying across the room.

Edward: Guh.

Edward mimics the roar of a tiger to scare Sandrex away. Sandrex malfunctions and falls on the floor.

Edward: What a power!

Edward Summers goes home to his fiancée, Summer Hayes.

Edward: I'm home, Summer.

Summer: Hello, darling

They make out.

Edward: Honey, I have some great news. I can mimic any noise I hear.

Summer: That couldn't ever get annoying. Excuse me I need to use the telephone.

Summer goes to the telephone. It is half a metre away, so this scene is not a long scene. Just in case you were worried.

Summer: Hello, is this the relevant authorities?

Edward: I wonder who she's talking to.

Summer: And you can come and collect the uh dangerous individual I'm talking about?

Edward: I sure hope this dangerous individual isn't near me!

Police come in and arrest Edward.

Copper: You have the right to remain silent.

Edward: How could you do this to me Summer? We were going to be married!

Summer: I didn't want to be Summer Summers.

Edward: [being dragged off] You could have been Hayes-Summerrrrrrss

Later in his cell. Mr Red enters.

Mr Red: Hello Edward.

Edward: What do you want with me?

Mr Red: We've heard about your...mysterious power. We'd like to offer you a job.

Edward: I'm listening.

Later. Edward and Mr Red are walking in the government facility.

Mr Red: You'll be working in our devastating insults department.

They stop at a door with several obvious attack marks.

Edward: What are these...

He gestures at the marks.

Mr Red: They're not the most popular guys.

They go through the door. Sitting around a table are five guys and three girls.

Gus: Hey, Mr Red, your wife still living in Montana?

Ted: Because she should!

Edward: That's a devastating insult? It doesn't even make sense.

Mr Red dries a tear from his eye.

Mr Red: Now listen here, you've got to work with this kid. Try and insult him.

Edward: Woah wha-

Mr Red leaves and slams the door.

Sam: So, nice sweater. Where'd you get it, your mom's pussy?

Edward: Where'd you get it, your mom's pussy?

Sam: He mimicked my voice perfectly!

Ted: You're a gay douche!

Edward: You're a gay douche!

Ted collapses onto the floor.

Jen: He's impervious to our insults.

And so the weeks went by and Edward got to know Jen some more. He was very happy in his job and with Jen the world seemed a bright place. They got married and moved to the suburbs where they had two wonderful children. Except they didn't.

Sendrex: Sir! Your throat had exploded.

You see, it isn't just sound that enters the ear, but also air. His throat started producing air and his voicebox couldn't contain it.

What an ending. Everything was a death hallucination. Except the power was real, so fuck you people who say I'm a lazy writer! I thought of this for real.

FUCK YOU CJ

2010-11-10T22:50:00.001Z

AN UNFAIR COMPETITION

RIGGED AND DISGUSTING

CHEATS AND LIARS ALL

a fantastic script entered

IGNORED

IN FAVOUR OF POPULIST CLAPTRAP

Not sure if I mentioned, but I entered a sketch writing competition. I'm not bitter, and am pleased to congratulate Mr Cj Tuor, no matter how many things I have heard about his penchant for cock gobbling and racism. Indeed, I am able to look past the sickly bodily fluid-stained shell to see the boyman underneath. He truly deserves everything that he ever gets in the future.

Anyway here's my entry, retitled for modern audiences.

FUCK YOU CJ

A boardroom. Day time. Michael, Sheila and Tony are midway through a presentation to Sean, Robert, Mary and Susan.

Sheila: We're dynamic, we're synergistic and most importantly we're well coordinated.

Long pause.

Michael: So next time you need advertising, think Osiris advertising!

Sean raises his hand.

Michael: Sean.

Sean: Yes. I thought you were a printing company?

Flashback. Caption says 10 minutes ago. Michael and co walk through door.

Michael: Hello, we're Osiris printing and we've got a very special presentation for your company in particular.

Susan: What's the name of our company?

Michael: Hi, the name's Mike. I run a printing company.

Back to present-day.

Susan: So you can see how we might think you were a printing company.

Michael: In a way, we do still print. [Michael sees a poster on the wall saying “Follow your dreams”] We print dreams.

Sheila: Using advertising.

Michael: We print dreams using advertising.

Sean: Well, we've already got an advertising company on the books-

Michael: [to sheila and tony] Okay, they don't like the advertising.

Sheila: We're a manufacturing company!

Michael: Osiris manufacturing? Really sheila?

Tony: By RA's holy testes, we could be a logistics company!

Michael: That's dumb and so are you Tony. [Turning back to the boardroom] I'm here to talk to you about Osiris logistics, helping you with your logistical analysis and evaluation.

Robert: Logistics huh? WELL that's a different story.

Sheila: Yes, we're really very logistical. Do you have a lot of logistical needs?

Robert: Do I? Listen lady, I have a whole lot of logistical needs and all of them need satisfying.

Sheila: Well that sounds like an interesting business idea-

Michael: Stop whoring yourself, Sheila! Jesus woman, have some respect for your body.

Sheila: I-

Michael: Whatever. Gentlemen, hello! I speak to you on behalf of Osiris Insurance, providing business insurance with the grace of the god of the dead.

Mary: Is that good?

Michael: It's satisfying, Mary.

Sean raises his hand.

Michael: Yes, Sean.

Sean: It's creepy that you know all our names.

Michael: I do a lot of research before I present to a company.

Sean: What's the name of our company?

Michael: Don't you just hate it when you run out of pens?

Sean: Wha-

Michael: Well, those days are over, buddy, when you buy pen insurance from Osiris pen corporation.

Sheila: Top quality pens at low quality prices!

Robert: Surely a low quality price is one that is too high?

Robert points like an asshole.

Sean: Shut up, Robert, I want to hear about the pens.

Tony throws his arms in the air.

Tony: By Ra's sweaty flank, I'm bored as hell.

Michael: Shut up, Tony! Why did I even hire you?

Flashback. 10 days earlier. A small office. Michael is sitting behind a desk with Tony sitting in front of him.

Michael: Got any skills?

Tony: By Ra's powerful chin, I love egyptian gods!

Michael: You're hired!

Camera pans right, Sheila is in the room.

Sheila: Won't that get annoying?

Michael: Pfft, ever heard of a cool saying, Sheila?

Tony: Yeah, sheila.

Sheila: You didn't do it there!

Tony: By Ra's mighty heels, I don't know what you're referring to.

Present-day.

Michael: [to himself] I'm regretting that.

Sean: Listen, I think you guys should leave.

Michael: I respect your decision, Sean.

Michael, Sheila and Tony leave through the door. Through the window of the boardroom we see them arguing furiously.

Sheila: That powerpoint presentation did not go well.

Michael: Really Sheila? Is that why we're out here?

Sheila: I don't think it's necessary to shout. And I don't think it's necessary to go through so many fake companies before we say what we really do.

Michael: And I think it is necessary that we go through all the companies! It weakens their resolve when we tell them what we really are!

Sheila: I'm not saying the method's wrong, I'm saying it needs finessing! We could just have two fake companies-

Michael: Two? What is this, Burma? You want me to march in there and only say two fake companies off the top of my head?

Sheila: I'm just saying it might help.

Sean comes through the door.

Sean: Excuse me, we heard you arguing. Those companies you said were fake?

Sheila: [ashamed] Yes.

Sean: We really need a bunch of fake company names. I guess we'll hire you.

ALL: Hooray!

Flashforward. 10 days later. A man hangs from a noose from the ceiling of an office. He has his back to us and he rotates around. It is Michael.

Can you guess which recent script I cannibalised to make that one?

The person who guesses correctly wins a used towel.

New Start New Blog

2010-11-07T23:18:00.003Z

A sickening blur stops

Suddenly and without warning

Why would you touch this

You cannot touch this

Seriously bro I mean

You cannot touch this

Do not try to touch this

Because you cannot touch this

So it's been a month since my last update. But there will almost certainly be an update following this one, because I recently entered the cracked sketch writing competition, meaning I can post the sketch once they announce that I haven't won. It's based off a sketch I wrote for this blog before, see if you can guess which one.

You know when I post it, which isn't now. Now I'm doing a sketch about the nature of satire.

Political Business

A writers room. David and Saul are the head writers.

David: Okay, it's a sketch about the coalition.

Saul: That's right on topical, Dave.

David: Thanks, Saul. I pride myself on being topical. So, it's a sketch about the coalition.

Saul: Topical.

David: We see David Cameron and he's paying a dog to lick his testicles.

Sally: So...the dog represents Nick Clegg?

David: Well no. Nick Clegg then walks in the room and pays a cat to lick his testicles.

Sally: The animals are...voters?

David: Well no. Voters then walk in and they're paying a menagerie of animals to lick their testicles.

Saul: No female voters?

David: Female voters get their outer labia licked.

Sauls shoots finger guns at David.

Saul: Smart thinking.

Sally: This doesn't seem like satire to me.

David: How so, Sally?

Sally: Nothing represents anything.

David: Really, Sally? Sounds like you don't have a dog lick your testicles.

Saul and David highfive.

Saul: Seriously though, you'd understand if you had a dog lick your outer labia.

Sally: You've both had a dog lick your testicles?

Sauls shoots finger guns at Sally. Sally turns to the other writers in the room.

Sally: And you've all had dogs lick your testicles/outer labia?

The other writers nod.

Harry: Mine was a tiny mouse.

Sally: Hrmmm.

Later. Sally has left.

David: Man, imagine if Sally gets a dog to lick her outer labia.

Saul: She could be great at writing political satire.

David: Yes.

David stands up and walks to the window.

David: Maybe too great.

Sally's flat. She is dialling a phone.

Sally: Hello, is that Dean's Pets and Pet Supplies?...Yes, what's your cheapest dog?...Uhuh...uhuh.

Dean's Pets and Pet Supplies. David and Saul have just entered.

David: Okay kill all the dogs. [to shopkeeper] Shopkeep! I'll buy all of your dogs!

Saul: I thought we were killing the dogs.

David: Yes, kill the dogs, as in buy all the dogs.

Saul: Phew

David: And then later kill the dogs.

Saul: Phew

Sally's flat.

Sally: That's the fifth pet shop with no dogs.

A warehouse.

David: Okay, so we were holding these dogs for resale and then the warehouse burned down.

Saul: Man the pigs will believe anything.

David: Yes. yes they will.

How did you like it? This is the first script for my new tumblr account.

Blasé Monsters

2010-10-05T23:07:00.005+01:00

the forward thinking man has one eye on the prize

and one eye on his nuts

for what use is the price if you have nothing

nothing at all

to enjoy it with

the forward thinking man has two eyes on the prize

for he reasons that everyone else

will be too busy watching their own nuts

to go for other people's

So. It's been a while. But I need these breaks otherwise I'll stagnate and I might write scripts about the same things over and over. Any this next one involves a certain snake-themed superhero we all know and love I'm just kidding jesus you guys.

eh? what are you guys like.

Author feat Author

The lobby of a publishing house. Allen Bigsby is an author and is waiting. Cindy is a receptionist and Cranston Humberbatch-Potts is in his office.

Cindy: Mr Humberbatch-Potts will see you now.

Allen: Thanks.

Allen stands up and goes into the office.

Cranston: Mr Bigsby? How do you.

Allen: Just fine, Mr Humberbatch-Potts.

Cranston: Please that's far too unwieldy a name. Call me Cranston.

Allen: Sure sure.

Cranston: So. Otter and Castle Publishing House is very happy to be working with you.

Allen: I'm pleased. You liked the submission?

Cranston: Yes, very much so.

Allen: Just to go over it again, it's a murder mystery-

Cranston: I love it already!

Allen: You've already read it though.

Cranston: I read so many things. But not all of them by up and coming new authors like you!

Allen: [coughs] So. It's about a family who's father is murdered. It's about the relationships between the father and the rest of the family. [Cranston looks bored.] It's got a lot of uh...sexual tension.

Cranston: Hmmmm.

Allen: Racial...racial tension?

Cranston: Hmmm.

Allen: Racially sexual tension? Does that...does that work for you?

Cranston: Is this your first time working with a publishing house?

Allen: Well, an up and coming author has to surface somewhere. [nervous laughter]

Cranston: Quite. Well, I know that the houses you see on TV and all that portray our business in a certain light, yes, and that's all well and good. But here at Otter and Castle Publishing we generally don't have authors write an entire book their first time. We've always seen it as a little harsh asking someone to come up with a whole book at once. I mean a whole book! Who would ask for that?

Allen: I think in the past-

Cranston: Yes, but we mustn't dwell on the past! Now, we're going to bring in another literary genius like yourself to help you write your book.

Allen: So...so will he write murder mysteries?

Cranston: You could say that. You could very well say those words without it necessarily being true.

Allen: So this author knows about murders?

Cranston: He knows a lot about the "murders" of bad bicycle repair. So he "solves" these murders by writing books about bicycle repair.

Allen: Well in my book it's a father that gets murdered-

Cranston: It could be a bicycle!

Allen: Bicycles...I don't know how to make this clear without sounding patronising. Bicycles can't die.

Cranston: Hmm.

Allen: Or indeed, be killed.

Cranston: You'll have to talk about this with Yusef, your new writing partner.

Allen: Where will-

Cranston: My secretary will give you all my details. Now I have a very urgent meeting with a lady author! Going to write a book about sex. Sex? From a woman?

Allen: I hear they're often a big part of sex.

Cranston: Have fun with Yusef.

The next day, at the writing meeting with Yusef. They are together in a small room sitting opposite each other over a table.

Allen: So. You write books about bicycle repair?

Yusef: I will answer none of your questions.

Allen: Why no-

Yusef: Not unless you address me as the "Wordsmith Victorious".

Allen: You write books about bicycle repair, wordsmith victorious?

Yusef: That is the dream, Mr Bigsby.

Allen: So, do you know much about murder mysteries?

Yusef: I don't know, you didn't use my name.

Allen: You know much about murder mysteries, wordsmith victorious?

Yusef: Well I have only completed one.

Allen: You've only read one murder mystery book?

Yusef: I've only murdered one person.

Allen: That's uh

Yusef: A lot of people would judge me. Thanks you Mr Bigsby. You are a kindly soul.

Allen: Are you going to kill me?

Yusef: Only if this book is not entirely about bicycle repair.

Allen: I'll leave you to your work.

Anyway, the good part of this script was co-written by Paul Karl King, the sexiest beat poet in all of the frozen wastes of Canada.

The rest was written by John who got drunk and tried to get a girl at a party by shouting about nihilism. Life equals zero please sleep with me

Serious Story Telling PLUS H1lar1ou$ 0utake$

2010-10-03T23:51:00.003+01:00

For fourteen hours the man lay down

on the road begging for death

not one car came

not one car drove

and the man rebuked the tarmac

the man rebuked the lines painted on the road

"they always get driven on, but i can't?

what is this world

this world without an end"

So I was running and decided to listen to †. Those boys down at Justice know how to do an album.

Anyway, this next one is a sequel to the last script, but not the last post. Because the last post was more akin to a tweet on a twitter.

Humour is the best medecine...AGAINST CRIME

The office of the executive of the channel. Mr Thompson is talking to Humourbot3000x.

Mr. Thompson: I'm excited about your new programme. It's unfortunate that we had to fire your partner.

Humourbot3000x: Well, he was an evil robot.

Mr. Thompson: Yes. That's why we've got you a new writing partner. Say hello to Humourbot3000z.

Mr Thompson pulls the sheet off the gigantic object in the middle of the office. It is Humourbot3000z, the latest model in the Humourbot3000 series.

Humourbot3000x: This is the first time I have seen a Humourbot3000z.

Humourbot3000z: And I a Humourbot3000x.

Humourbot3000x: Let us discuss the differences in our design.

Humourbot3000z: I have a water cannon installed in my shoulder.

Humourbot3000x: I can impersonate farts.

Humourbot3000z: I cannot. That feature was removed when they built the Humourbot3000y series.

Humourbot3000x: I remember the Humourbot3000y series.

Mr Thompson: Well I'm glad you are friends now.

Humourbot3000x: ERROR

Humourbot3000y: ERROR

Zoom in to Humourbot3000x's brain. Enter John.

John: The concept of friendship is difficult enough for a robot. They rely on the emotions of humans to be their leader when calculating friendship. However, being friends with another robots does not involve human emotions and as such creates an infinite loop. This error was recognised in the programming of the Humourbot3000 series and a work around was installed. This workaround means that the two robots must become partners in fighting crime to understand more about each other. They must become....Robo-cops. OH SHIT THAT'S ALREADY A THING

Zoom out.

Humourbot3000z: Let's ride!

The robots kick down the door of Mr Thompson's office and exit.

Mr. Thompson: It's cheaper than hiring humans!

A warehouse. A drug deal is going down.

Greggy C: Yo, Hillary B. You got the sniff?

Hillary B: Sure I got the sniff, Greggy C. But have you got the dough?

Greggy C: Hey, dawg, you know me. We cool.

Sleepy B Dog What for Jimmy How Down: I sure hope shit don't go foul.

The robo-cops kick down the wall of the warehouse.

Sleepy B Dog What for Jimmy How Down: Oh no!

Humourbot3000z: Didn't anyone tell you drugs were bad for you?

Greggy C: Yes?

Humourbot3000x: THEY WERE CORRECT

Hillary B: Shoot these mother fuckers up!

Humourbot3000z: X! Impersonate a fart. Their laughter will paralyse them.

Humourbot3000x: BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Hillary B: That sounds like a toaster.

Greggy C: That sounds like the toaster I used to have as a child. Drugs is bad, I'm quitting this game.

Sleepy B Dog What for Jimmy How Down: I quit too. I prefer toast over drugs any day.

Hillary B: Well screw you fools! I'm going to fight til the en-

Hillary B is crushed by Humourbot3000z as he tries to kick her down as he did the door.

Humourbot3000x: Did you just try to kick her down?

Humourbot3000z: Looks like I've got a lot to learn.

Humourbot3000x: Human life is not sacred.

Humourbot3000z: Let's report back to base.

Back at the executive office.

Mr Thompson: I told you guys to write me a series, not arrest drug pushers!

Humourbot3000x: Sir you instructed us to become friends.

Humourbot3000z: Didn't you read the manual?

Mr Thompson: I glossed over it.

Mr Thompson sighs and takes a drink from his liquor cabinet.

Mr Thompson: You know, funny as it sounds, I do need a crime investigated. Someone's been stealing pens from the stationary cupboard. You two need to find out who.

Humourbot3000x: While you were talking I used my computer brain to work out that you stole those pens.

Mr Thompson: It wasn't me.

Humourbot3000x: Looks like I've got a lot to learn.

At the stationary cupboard. The robo-cops kick down the door.

Humourbot3000x: Looks like someone took some stationary.

Humourbot3000z: Not so stationary stationary.

Humourbot3000x: Let's search for clues.

Humourbot3000z: Nah, let's just frame some guy.

Humourbot3000x: That sounds funny, pal.

Suddenly inside their brains! A circuit flicks and Humourbot3000x and Humourbot3000z are friends.

Humourbot3000z: I will wash us clean of this madness.

Humourbot3000z uses his water canon and washes the both of them.

Humourbot3000x: We are writers not detectives.

Humourbot3000z: Let's write about our experiences.

Humourbot3000x: I'll bring the fart impersonations!

Mr Thompson and John and the drug dealers enter.

All: Hahahahahahahahaha bleep blorp zam clam.

That ending there is from messrs Kurtz and Straub and their daily affirmations.

Anyway this is a script that I think I might be proud of and also hopefully the last time we see these guys. Although there is the comedy rule of threes....

I guess that's why cobraman isn't funny. There's no comedy rule of infinity.

Robots Icing Robots

2010-10-01T23:43:00.001+01:00

Listen bros

Imma gonna post someting real quick to remember me by

wooooh drunk post this is dumb

This is How the World Ends, Not with a bang but with a giggle

2010-09-30T23:03:00.005+01:00

long time ago there was a man

and the man had a secret

a secret so sharp

it cut anyone who heard it

he told only the people that he loved

and only hurt those closest to him

until he stopped telling his loved ones the secret

which hurt them emotionally

You guys, I'm thinking about buying a peacock. £45 for an indian blue, that's a pretty good deal. I will name him Hermes and he will be the pimpingest pet of all.

Anyway, today we're putting that realism shit to bet and we're doing one about robots.

Electric Laughter

Two men sit in a small office. Jerry and Richard are executives.

Jerry: So I hired these two writers.

Richard: Are we still talking about the comedy show?

Jerry: Yeah. Anyway, this is the first time I've hired writers without meeting them in person.

Richard: Are you sure that's wise? They're going to perform on TV.

Jerry: Their stuff was so good, we've just got to let them perform. Anyway, Dave said they were real funny in person.

Richard: Okay, I trust Dave.

Jerry: Oh man, when we meet these guys we should fuck with their heads. Speak in french or something.

Richard: That's funny, Jerry. Alright, we'll pretend we're french when we meet them. When are we meeting them?

Jerry: On Thursday.

Richard: Guess I'm gonna bone up on my french then.

Jerry: Rich.

Richard: What?

Jerry: You said bone.

Richard: Yeah, it's a word.

Jerry: I know.

Jerry pats Richard on the head. SUBTLY

Jerry: I know.

Thursday.

Jerry: You ready?

Richard: Mai oui!

Jerry opens the door.

Jerry: Bonjour!

Enter Humourtron 3000x and Humourtron 3000y

Humourtron 3000x: Language identified: french.

Humourtron 3000y: Bonjour. Il est agréable de vous rencontrer. Nous sommes enthousiasmés par cette opportunité.

Humourtron 3000x: Quand pouvons-nous commencer à discuter de vos plans pour le spectacle de comédie?

Jerry: Oui?

Richard: WHY ARE THEY ROBOTS

Humourtron 3000y: English resumed.

Richard: WHY DID DAVE SAY HE LIKED YOU

Humourtron 3000x: We are the final product of a programme to create a robot with the greatest sense of humour.

Humourtron 3000y: Witness my colleague's impersonation of a fart.

Humourtron 3000x: BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Richard: You sound like a toaster.

Humourtron 3000y: Therein lies the humour.

Jerry: This is so fucking stupid.

Humourtron 3000x: Perhaps you would enjoy another impersonation.

Richard: Of what a fart?

Humourtron 3000x: Fart selected. BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Jerry: Maybe they could be in a sketch about robots.

Humourtron 3000x: BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Richard: This is awful. This is so awful.

Humourtron 3000x: BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Jerry: Man that fart impression is pretty funny.

Humourtron 3000y: I wish I had that skill.

Jerry: Why don't you?

Humourtron 3000y: Fart impersonation requires a pure soul. Evil robots cannot impersonate farts.

Richard: Wait what-

Humourtron 3000y murders everyone.

There are two ways to end a sketch satisfyingly. Love or violence. Recently I have been choosing violence because I don't want to go back to making everybody gay.

Not

not that there's anything wrong with that

I want to beat April but I can't

2010-09-26T23:28:00.003+01:00

a little boy found a knife one day

he took it everywhere with him

he loved that knife

he took it to the park

he took it on the the train

he even took it to school

then one day some fool tried to step up

so the boy slashed that poor fucker in the face

but it was okay because minors can't be charged for crimes

moral: if you're young stab people

So I was on my run thinking of ideas for the script. Anyway, I thought of this great one about a superhero. Basically he had all the powers of a snake and I thought of all these adventures. Ten minutes later after I've planned out how he gets his powers and stuff, I remember Cobra Man.

Ffffffffffffffff

Anyway this next one is set on a train.

Tracking Device

A train. Stephen and Helen are strangers sitting opposite one another.

Stephen: Hello!

Helen: WHAT I AM OFFENDED

Stephen: What why?

Helen: Because I am a woman and will get mad at anything.

Stephen: Those women eh?

Stephen is correct.

Helen: I don't want to sit here opposite you, rape-pig.

Stephen: Bloody women. All the same!

Helen: You are an oppressor!

Stephen: Learn to drive.

Helen stands up but forgets to take her bag.

Guard: We have arrived at Stoke. Passengers change here for trains towards Norfolk and the Butlins area.

Helen leaves the train.

Helen: I have a pressing engagement in Stoke.

Guard: Oh really? Where?

Helen: I am not an object!

Guard: ALL WOMEN ARE WHORES

Back on the train.

Stephen: That lovely young lady left her bag.

A beeping noise starts to come from the bag.

Stephen: I better investigate that beeping noise.

Stephen proceeds to stick his head in the bag and jerk it around a lot. He comes away disappointed and throws it on the floor in disgust.

Stephen: WHAT A DUMB BAG

Jason: Why are you shouting person I do not know?

Stephen: This unattended luggage is making a beeping sound.

Jason: Here, let me help stamp on it. I know, I'll get out my wire cutters. Start cutting around.

As Jason turns his back to find the wire cutters, Stephen uses the window of opportunity to run away.

Jason: Oh great, my day keeps getting better!

Flashback. Jason is in his kitchen eating cereal.

Jason: I didn't put enough milk on this.

Back to the train, Jason hangs himself. And the bag goes on a mysterious journey, until it ends up in an MI5 base.

Mr Green: Who do you work for?

Mr Treat: You don't have to say anything.

Mr Green: Why...why are you undermining me?

Bag: EEEEEEEEEEEE

Mr Green: Was that a confession?!

Mr Treat: God, probably.

Bag: EEEEEEEEEEEE

Mr Green: You know what? I don't care about confessions any more. I just want respect.

Mr Treat: Yeah? Well I don't care look I pulled the bag apart, there's a smaller bag inside.

Mr Green: And inside that a larger bag!

Mr Treat: And inside that the smaller bag again!

Later at MI5 base.

Mr Green: And that's why we think this bag could stop the war on terror.

General Hilford: That's stupid you're fired.

Mr Green: What about our idea of putting some Friends boxsets in the bag and giving them to Al Qaeda?

General Hilford: You're double-fired.

Mr Treat: Hooray! We've been promoted!

I guess we learned a lot about ourselves on the journey. I think I need a break from these.

They're just, they're getting difficult.

Sometimes If You Want to Have a Son You Need to Get On Your Knees

2010-09-20T23:15:00.005+01:00

oh pain! that ghastly screech

yet these creatures call it speech

filled with hate and lust and pain

the creature is man. they're all insane

their hide shines in unearthly colour

their faces a nasty human sheen

beneath that awful wasty pallor

lurks a soul that's more unclean

I wrote this in Further Maths and during a seminar about writing personal statements. There were illustrations, but they were stick men and not very good.

I fear I may have been watching too many bad american stand up comedians.

The Uncharted Rise of Larry Charlton

Larry Charlton and Stevie "Gold" Weinstein are backstage, in a small room.

Stevie: Are you feeling okay, Larry? You are a famous comedian after all.

Larry: I feel just fine, Gold, my manager.

Stevie: Well okay then. It's a few minutes until you go on.

Larry: I think I'd like to reminisce about how I got to this point in my life.

Stevie: Sounds like a good idea Larry.

The screen fades and we see a younger Larry Charlton, on stage performing his stand up comedy.

Audience's laughter.

Larry: And what's up with all these rich mother fuckers driving around in big fucking cars? You been eating too much rich food, rich guy? Stuffing that caviar down yo throat, mother fucker?

Audience's laughter.

Larry: That's why you need that big fucking car, you don't ever have to quit yo guzzlin'/

Audience's laughter.

Larry: And what's up with all those mother fuckers being fucking dumb shits in their cars? Cutting you off and fucking all else. This guy knows what I'm talking about, this guy right here. Take a driving lesson you stupid mother fucker! Learn to drive!

Audience's laughter.

Larry: You know when you banging bitches, yeah you gotta put yo dick right in them. Yeah, this mother fucker down here, he gets it. Yeha, so you're banging one of them then bitch over here, bitch over here starts yelling 'bout how she feels, she feels "neglected" or some shit. Boys, bitches think you a mother fucker whatEVER you do.

Audience's laughter.

Larry: Yeah, yeah. Thanks everybody, you a real bunch of cool moterfuckers.

Fade to black.

Larry's voice offscreen: And then of course there were the movies.

A trailer for a family comedy film.

Narrator: Kenny C was the best at shooting his gat in the hood.

Larry: Shit boyee, you got crackadizzle or what? Do I have to pull out my AK?

Narrator: But all that changed when he got offered a new job.

Larry: You want me to be a teacher?

Record scratch.

Narrator: Now he'll have to shoot a different ammo. Knowledge.

Larry is at the front of the classroom.

Larry: My name's Kenny C, but you guys can call me Mr Teach!

Tiffany: Shit, Mr Teach, we ain't never had a teacher we can relate to so well.

Larry: It's 'cause I'm a brother.

Narrator: This Summer. D is for Da Hood.

Fade to Black.

Larry offscreen: That was my last movie, after the phenomenally successful, Bear in the Hood and A Harlem Woman. I decided to settle down and have a family.

Larry's manager's office.

Gold: Larry, you've been very successful. I just want to discuss some work-

Larry: No, Gold. I've retired to spend time with my kids.

Gold: Well that's just it, Larry. When you signed with me, you signed this contract that means after your first born reaches the age of fifteen, you must become a satanist.

Larry: That's all kinds of fucked up.

Gold: That's the way us satanists/jews work.

Larry: NOOOOOOOOO, okay I'll do it.

Fade to black. Then we are back where we started, backstage.

Larry: I guess that takes us up to now.

Gold: We've come a long way together.

Larry: Not many people have seen a career like I have.

Gold: You're on, kid.

Larry stumbles onto the stage. It is at the front in front of a lot of people wearing black robes.

Larry: Large crowd, huh? Okay, uh. I love....I love Satan/

Man: You're shit!

Man2: Yeah, you're the worst satanist!

Larry: Hey cool off mother fucker this is my first time.

Man2: Didn't you use to be famous or some shit? If so I have lost all respect I held for you.

Man: Yeah.

Larry: Wait a second, I was famous. I could those old skill that I once knew in the past that is behind me.

Larry adopts his stand up stance.

Larry: You know when you're driving yo car in the road, and there's some dumb shit jesus sheep driving all slow.

Audience's laughter.

Larry: Yeah, this guy down here, this mother fucker down here, he gets it. He knows what I'm talking about. You're all get out of the way, mother fucker! I'm trying to drive and you're worshipping an oppressor god! Get some driving lessons!

Audience's laughter.

Larry: And worship the true prince of Truth. Yeah those dumb mother fuckers really get on my nerves. You know what most gets on my nerves, though? Those fucking tiny packets of ketchup you get in those NASty diners you see. They're a real mother fucker to get open and when you do there's nothing fucking in 'em.

Audience's laughter.

Larry: Yeah, this mother fucker right here, this mother fucker gets it. Anyway, we've all had a great time tonight, but the real reason we're here is our lord Lucifer. So here's High Priest Archaeon with the real message of tonight.

Larry goes backstage.

Larry: How was it?

Gold: You did good Larry. You did good.

I heard if you say this script three times into a mirror I appear and demand sexual satisfaction. I mean I'm not very strong, so you probably won't have to acquiesce, but I will insist. Note: this may also happen if you do not read the script three times into a mirror.

Jesse, you done gone fucked up yesterday. We were supposed to podcast? If you forgot I guess that's okay, only other explanation I can think of is that you thought I meant Sunday the 26th. That's what I mean now. That's when we're doing it. At 12pm your time.

Anyway minecraft eh? I was chased down a mine I had dug to the depths of the earth by a skellington waiting at the top when I surfaced. It was v. scary.

I tell you this time he's dead for real

2010-09-17T23:03:00.003+01:00

I close my eyes

take to me bed

all truth is lies

I wake up dead

death is the end of conscious grow

sleep is the end of conscious flow

I plant my roots and every day

the plant is replaced and taken away

Seriously though, I can't decide if when I go to sleep I die. How would I know? I only have memories of my life before, but they're chemical. If you transferred my memories to a computer and then it awoke it would be the same and I could have died.

Oh no. Anyway this next one is about everyone's favourite character - Cobra man! I know you love him and that's why I keep bringing him back. Not because I find the very idea of him erotic. 'Cause that's disgusting or something.

Yeah it's wrong. It's naughty to be turned on by Cobra man.

He's On A Boat

Cobra man is on a ferry going on his holidays. He comes up to restaurant.

Lahillus: Hello sir. If you'd like to step this way. I assume you've brought your meal ticket.

Cobra man: I'm wearing it!

Lahillus: Ah. You must be the costume competition winner.

Cobra man: Right you are. I can't wait to pick whatever I'm going to eat. But oh! What a decision, for to pick one thing is lose out on another.

Lahillus: Actually this is an open buffet-

Cobra man: AVERT YOUR EYES I AM DETACHING MY JAW

Lahillus: Isn't that pythons?

Cobra man: When I took up the mantel of cobra man I was not fortunate enough to be bitten by a radioactive cobra.

Lahillus: Some people might say that you were fortunate in that, sir.

Cobra man: Instead I have trained my entire adult life in the jungles of South America, waiting for the opportunity to save the day.

Lahillus: So you don't have like a secret identity?

Cobra man: No. Anyway I am busy eating.

Later Cobra man has eaten a lot.

Cobra man: Now I must rest for 4 days.

Head Waiter: You're disembarking now.

Cobra man shrieks and his mask comes off. He instantly transforms into mild-mannered teen Freeman Hadley.

Freeman: I guess it is time to disembark. I am not full as it was cobra man who ate everything yesterday.

Head Waiter: Why-

Freeman: As a child I was beaten a lot.

Head Waiter: That's terrible.

Freeman: Yes, beaten at snap. I have not the brain for strategic thinking.

Head Waiter: Snap's a reactions game. Anyway I have to get back to my wenches.

Freeman: Ah the sailor's life. Uh I feel odd. Not as if I am about to puke though.

Mild mannered teen Freeman Hadley puts something on his face and then he disappears! In his place stands Cobra man, throwing up all over the floor.

Cobra man: I ate a lot!

Suddenly the boat lurches to one side.

Captain: We've hit an ice berg.

Cobra man: AHHHHHHHH

Captain: Why don't you use your powers to save us Cobra man?

Cobra man: Yes! I shall slither stealthily away and alert the relevant authorities.

Captain: Thank you Cobra man. Here is some gold out of my treasure as a pre-emptive thanks.

Cobra man: Gold is always welcome. I will also accept gold from any passengers who wish to live.

Henry: I'm rich! That means I should live!

Cobra man: Congratulations!

Anyway cobra man dies or something.

Is it laziness that makes me kill off my characters and bring them back as different people? Or is that only I recognise the true beauty in the repeated motif of death and ressurec it's laziness.

But! Here is a message for Fenghar, assuming he reads this which he will. Fenghar, I formally invite you to join me in a recorded skype conversation between your good self and yours truly for the benefit of the english language and all mankind in general on the morning of Sunday the 19th September, at 5 pm GMT.

Sarah, you can post a comment about how sexy I am if you want, or you can send me a quick email with references to my bod. THIS ISN'T SEXISM

Secrets of Marketing

2010-09-17T00:21:00.003+01:00

I think I'll take take take a pill

With a glass of water I will will will

Goodbye to pain pain pain drugs are rad

Kill my mother and fuck fuck my dad

See my limey ears glow

Feel the sick flow

Feel the grass grow

Feel the people in tow

Let go.

Soooo been a while I guess. I've been busy and stuff. How've you been I don't care.

Anyway I have so little in my life that I feel like discussing it also it's late so let's just script. Also this one is set in an advertising office! I know, what originality. I don't know where I have this infinite source of settings. I didn't know there was room in the old skull, but apparently so.

Unpaid Tribute

An advertising agency board room. Steve is at the front, talking to his team.

Steve: So you've got to think for yourselves! Don't blindly follow whatever goon is on TV telling you what to do.

Frank: But we work in advertising?

Steve: Still? Jesus.

Enter Lisa.

Lisa: Just got a call from HawksCo. They want their ad to have testimonies in.

Steve: Oy vey, always with the testimonies!

Lisa: Oh, are you jewish?

Steve: No, I just control the media. ARE YOU STUPID OF COURSE I'M JEWISH

Lisa: Man, if you weren't jewish and had just said or written that-

Frank: Written? He said it.

Geoff: [Chipping in] With his mouth!

Lisa: Well it would be offensive.

Mertin: Hey! I used to be a jew.

Steve: You know what, testimonies are bullllllllshit. They're always done with actors or something.

Lisa: HawksCo specifically want actors.

Steve: I guess they can't handle Mr Steve.

Steve points to himself and gestures to his crotch. He then performs a short, but obscene, dance.

Steve: Steeeeeeeeve doesn't care about anyone in this business. Not in the business of ads not in the business of sexy dances.

Frank: Is this like the navy? Do we have to obey his orders and stuff.

Geoff: [Chipping in] Did you used to be in the navy? SO KAWAII

Frank: OMG

Lisa: [Just like a woman] SO KAWAII

Frank: Shut up Lisa

Lisa: Let me in, Frank.

Steve: Enough! Let's go out and get real people's opinions on the trouser fork, not some stupid actor.

Mertin: Hey! I used to be an actor.

Steve: Shut up, Mertin. You were probably only written in just now and then inserted before so that your line would seem like a callback.

Mertin: Hey! I used to be a callback?

Steve: No you didn't.

Later, some members of the public are introduced to the trouser fork, from HawksCo. Bringing you the best in garment related cutlery and working birds.

Steve: So, you put your ASS in the prongs of the fork. It helps you put on trouser that wouldn't normally fit you. Like a shoe horn for pants.

Henry: Oh, like my donkey?

Steve: No your butt.

Henry: Like the end of my rifle?

Steve: No your poo-maker.

Henry: My poo-maker would technically be my colon.

Steve: It's like a shoe horn for pants.

Henry: Ohhhhh.

Gemma: How do I put my rifle in this thing?

Steve: It's like a shoe horn.

Gemma: Ohhhhh. Where are my shoes.

Steve: It's a shoe horn for pants.

Gemma: But I'm wearing my wedding dress!

Steve: Then how can...it's for pants.

Gemma: But I'm not wearing pants.

Steve: You know what this'll probably be enough for the advert.

Later in the board room, Steve is showing the advert that they made.

Steve: Now normally, we wouldn't make the advert without getting you to sign on first.

Mr.Green: Yeah...

Steve: So here it is!

Advert begins.

Gemma: But I'm wearing a wedding dress!

Steve: It's like a shoe horn.

Henry: Like the end of my rifle?

Steve: For pants.

Enter a gorilla who does the moonwalk. Except people don't notice this.

Henry: Like my donkey?

Steve: No, your poo-maker.

Gemma: I'm not wearing pants!

Steve: For pants.

HawksCo. The best in pants technology. End of advert.

Mr.Green: Much good fortune for you.

Steve: Twist was they were japanese where everything is backwards,

Mr.Green: Ching Chong!

Oh god I am such a horrible racist. If I am ever falsely accused of a hate crime the evidence is right here.

You know what I may be falsely accused of a specific hate crime, but I am definitely guilty of a hate crime and this it it.

All up in your face, I'm just saying grace

2010-09-08T23:56:00.004+01:00

Leaf green, House of Flies

I do not believe your lies

Every day is when I strive

Beat my heart to stay alive

And if conscious thought departs

Is this death?

Yes.

And to sleep is to pierce the veil.

Okay, yesterday it was raining, so I didn't go for a run so I didn't type up a script because it was time for bed. Anyway I been thinking lately about whether I am a boy or a man. I have decided man and that I started feeling that way when I realised there wasn't a god. In that moment eternity was snatched away from me and manhood given in its place.

THIS NEXT ONE IS ABOUT NAZIS

Iron Cross? Iron filings more like

A shadowy meeting room.

Janus: So you've installed the magnets?

Protha: Indeed we have.

Janus: Then we are ready for Operation Forced Acknowledgement.

Present day. Not that just then wasn't the present day. All of this.

All of it is the present day. Anyway we're at a mayoral debate.

Heather: ...to help those least fortunate amongst us.

applause

Garett: My opponent has been incredibly eloquent in her defense of her DISGUSTING policies.

Heather: I'm sure, Garett. Move aside, I am the mayor. There is nothing you can do.

Garett: Oh no? [into lapel] Activate magnets!

Heather's arm goes into a nazi salute.

Garett: Looks like your beloved would-be-mayor is a nazi!

Auidence: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Man: It is always the good who are corrupted by the disease of anti-semitism.

Heather: I'm not a racist.

Garett: Your hand disagrees!

Heather: [She starts crying] I love jews!

Garett: Love to kill them!

Man: She's crying! We need to take her side!

Garett: Your crocodile tears won't work on this audience!

Man: She's pretending to cry? I hate her more!

Heather runs away.

Man: We love you, Garett! You aren't a nazi like the rest of the world.

Garett: Yes it's all falling into place!

Man: What?

Garett: Nothing.

Man: That sounded evil what you said just then.

Garett: Could you come here?

The man comes to Garett. Garett shakes his hand and discreetly injects it with a magnet. Man goes back to his seat.

Garett: Activate the magnet!

The man starts to give a nazi salute.

Garett: Look, he's a nazi!

Audience: Gasp! We won't ever doubt you.

later Garett is in his study looking into the mirror.

Garett: No one will know my secret.

He tears off his face to reveal stalin's face.

Garett: WOOP WOOP

later at another debate.

Garett: Anyway we all need to be like super-kind to each other.

Opponent: Are you some kind of commie?

Garett: Activate magnets. BOO Nazi!

Opponent: Actually, this is a freedom salute.

Audience cheers.

Garett: fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu-

So a twist ending for our friend Garett. Who knows if he will ever return he won't

he won't ever come back

Fuckin' Poems and Shit

2010-09-06T23:05:00.002+01:00

the gobbling men will steal your shadow

and try to give it back

but 'schew their call for all their hate

has made a tiny crack

the man who accepts their gift

has earned his house no wealth

for when he now redons it

he is a gobbling man himself

WOOOH POETRY

So anyway. I decided that 8 updates in one day would sour your tastebuds for comedy/IMPORTANT SCRAWLINGS. So here is the deal newfuckers, you get a typed-up script every day and a poem. I hate you people so much. You beautiful people.

Anyway the next 8 updates were written while I had two beers. So enjoy the next 8 days.

Oh yeah, and this next one is almost exactly the same as the last script I published. So that'll be fun.

The Naked Helm

A submarine. Cartright has been called into the chief's office.

Chief Levoir: Cartright, you're a loose cannon!

Cartright: Did I do something illegal?

Chief Levoir: Dammit, Cartright! You know damn well what you did.

Cartright: Well how do you know that I know.

Chief Levoir: Dammit, Cartright!

Cartright: Chief.

Chief Levoir: What is it Cartright?

Cartright: I'm implementing sea-law.

Chief Levoir: Oh shit! Why, Cartright?

Cartright: Because you're one of them!

Chief Levoir: You're damn crazy, Cartright!

Cartright claps his hands on Levoir's head. Levoir's head explodes into blood. It is revealed he is one of the balloon people.

Cartright: I knew he was one of the balloon people.

Later on the bridge.

Cartright: SEAAAAAAA LAWWWWWW

Sailor: Ohshit

Cartright: Damn right, Sailor.

Glebbins: Sir! I request the right to be the realmsman of sea law.

Cartright: Permission denied.

Glebbins: Why, Cartright?

Cartright claps Glebbins' head with his hands. Glebbins' head explodes.

Cartright: He was a balloon-man.

Sailor: This is why we implemented sea law.

Cartright: Sea law position number one!

Everyone turns with their front facing the walls of the submarine. Cartright points at Yeltser.

Cartright: I think you are a balloon-man.

Yeltser: Try and prove it if you can.

Cartright: Your hands are bloated. Your feet are wide.

Yeltser: I eat pies and sleep on my side.

Cartright: You avoid needles religiously.

Yeltser: I know none who are completely free

Cartright: Of compulsion to avoid all sharp things?

Yeltser: Fang of dog and crown of kings

Cartright: Okay, the sea law clearly states that one who rhymes well cannot be a balloon man.

Yeltser: That's where you're wrong!

Yeltser inflates and soon the submarine is floating on the surface of the sea.

Sailor: This is what the balloon-men do?

Cartright: Yeah, it's really annoying.

Sailor: Why don't you just not let them join the navy?

Cartright: Why don't you just not let them join the navy.

A witty end to a tale that was much more abstract than I remember.

One time up New York Way

2010-08-16T02:06:00.004+01:00

Well it turns out that all the disco tracks I added to my music folder (4 of them) aren't in the right format to be put on my ipod. Which sucks, because I wanted to listen to everybody dance while strutting my stuff.

Anyway, this will be the last one for a while on account of me going on holiday for three weeks tomorrow. HOWEVER, I intend to keep on writing so when I get back there will be a big fuck-off update. August will be the most updated! I'm going to beat April. It thinks it's so big with eleven updates. We'll show it, August. We'll show what a motherfucker August can be.

Canal You Dig It?

A canal boat powers along a canal at 0.5, 0.6 metres per second. Really steaming along, although probably using a diesel engine. Suddenly the boat rocks. Neville comes uptop.

Neville: What's going on?

Scott: I think some Joker's going too fast. And they're coming towards us!

Quickly, Neville jumps on the steering stick and hits it hard to starboard. The canal boat is safe up against the bank. A speed boat drives past at astonishing speed. Arthur and the Colonel are aboard.

Colonel: We've got him now, Arthur.

Arthur: Too right, Colonel.

Their speed boat is catching up on another, black, speedboat. Suddenly the black speedboat releases oil out of a hatch on its stern.

Arthur: Put on the brakes, Colonel!

Colonel: No need, Arthur. For you see, water and oil DON'T MIX.

Aboard the black speedboat.

Arthur: Look at all these drugs, Colonel.

Colonel: It's more drugs than I've ever seen.

Karif: Me and my lackeys were going to sell them. For money.

Colonel: [Squatting down in front of the tied up Karif] Dirty money, Karif.

Karif: No dirtier than you!

Colonel: Or you!

Colonel pushes Karif in the canal.

Arthur: Will he be able to swim with those ropes on?

Colonel: Shiiiiiit.

Later in the police chief's office.

Chief Roberts: The public are gonna tear you up, Colonel.

Colonel: Will they, Colonel? What if they found out that it was actually a young, inexperienced officer who pushes that man in the canal?

Arthur: But who?

Colonel pushes Arthur into the canal.

Arthur: Nooooooooooo [bubble]

Chief Roberts: You're a bad egg, Colonel.

Colonel: I'm a complex character.

Chief Roberts: I don't know whether I want to kiss you or push you in the canal.

Colonel: Let me make that choice for you.

Colonel pushes Chief Roberts into the canal.

Chief Roberts: Colonel, you ass! I was five seconds 'til retirement.

Colonel: Should have thought of that before you started harshing my vibe.

Colonel zips off on his jetski.

So, a lot of complex characters and fuck you they don't all have to be gold.

You hear me? Sometimes they can be about a very complicated man. A man who doesn't care about rules and regulations. The canal is the only place for such a man. On the open canal.

Inspired by the man who sold the world

2010-08-15T02:41:00.004+01:00

Oh man. Well, Fenghar, I tried squeezing that cat's paw again tonight. It did not go well. It tried to scratch me, so I back off and then waited for it to turn around and then sneaked up on it on tip toes. I got another squeeze in before it managed to run away, with its tail up and defiant against my paw squeezings.

So this next strip isn't inspired at all by (LIE IT IS). So I hope you don't not enjoy

Putting Out Fire With Gasoline

Night. A man is asleep in his bed. Suddenly his room glows an unearthly green. He is suddenly onboard an alien spacecraft.

Felinicus: Awaken, human.

Jeff: WhaAAAAAAAH

Catzy: He seems distressed.

Felinicus: Perhaps it is our appearances, Catzy.

Catzy: Why did you use my name, Felinicus?

Felinicus: IT MATTERS NOT.

Jeff: You guyses nameses soundses likes catses.

Catzy and Felinicus are horrifying beasts. They are covered in teeth and blood and knives and skateboards and other scary things.

Catzy: MORPH

Catzy and Felinicus morph into cat-like humanoids.

Jeff: Aww you're furry.

Catzy: That is correct. Commence anal probing.

Felinicus: Unusual. The subject has a relaxed sphincter, unlike all the other sphincters we have seen in all of our probing.

Jeff: You're cats! It's adorable.

Felinicus: Commence oral probe.

Jeff: It's like I'm sucking off a cat!

The probe is very phallic. It is also black. THIS IS A METAPHOR. FUCK YOU OBAMA.

Catzy: Wipe his memory and set him down. Put metal in his head or whatever it is we do as the pastiche of alien abductors that we are.

Felinicus: Don't reference our poor writing. It'll only highlight the problem.

Later. In the city centre.

Jeff: I was kidnapped by aliens.

Liam: Yeah, sure fuckface. I guess this metal plate means I've been abducted as well, does it.

Close up of Liam's head. It has a metal plate with "Property of Alkporf IV" written on it.

Jeff: I would argue yes.

Liam: Whatever, man. I don't believe in stupid stuff like that. Anyway, do you want to buy a copy of Loose Change.

Jeff: No.

Liam: THE GOVAHMANT

Later.

Liam: I decided to believe in aliens.

Jeff: Why?

Liam: I saw a video on youtube. [THIS IS SOCIAL COMMENTARY]

Jeff: WOOOOOO

Later at the whitehouse. Jeff and Liam are there.

Jeff: And that is why we believe aliens exist.

Barack: Why are you in my bedroom?

Michelle: We are trying to have noisy sex.

Liam: I know, it was difficult to get our points heard.

Barack: Anyway, come back LATER TODAY.

Later that day.

Aide: The president is busy -

Liam: Shit.

Aide: In meetings with the aliens!

Jeff: WOOOOOO

The meets.

Barack: So, you are aliens.

Catzy: My name is Catzy.

Barack: That makes sense. You look like a cat.

Felinicus: I am known by the name Felinicus.

Barack: What? That's got nothing to do with cats.

Felinicus: I am not defined by my looks.

Barack: I'M BLACK

Enter David Cameron.

Dave: Hey, chaps.

Barack: 'Sup ma nigga?

Dave: Jolly good day.

Dave shakes hands with the cat aliens.

Felinicus: Why are you squeezing my appendage?

Dave: Squish squish squish.

Jeff and Liam burst in and shoot the aliens and then themselves.

Dave: Looks like those chaps won't be starring in any scripts.

Jeff and Liam's hands twitch a bit.

The End?

Wooooo. Well there was a lot there to discuss. Like the fact that Liam represents the textile industry.

CHEW ON THAT FASCISTS

By My Watch It's Boombox Time

2010-08-09T01:02:00.004+01:00

Went running. Got a stich, that hasn't happened for a while. I only got it because I ran where I would normally walk and I would normally walk because there normally isn't a group of men standing around a car looking suspicious.

Anyway, this script is based around an ad I've seen on youtube a lot and seemingly without reason.

Firm buttocks; Sexy Veil

Outside an office building. We move in to the reception and are greeted by Fiona, the head of the company.

Fiona: Hi there! If you'll just follow me, the first thing we'll be seeing is the meeting room.

The meeting room. A team of advertising exec lookalikes around a table. Greg is in charge and standing up. You could say he was large.

Fiona: The meeting's just starting.

Greg: Okay, CombiCorp want us to combine two things that you don't normally see.

Sheila: Spiderman and dildos?

Greg: Keep it clean, Sheila.

Keith: Bread and cheese.

Greg: That sounds too close to a cheese sandwich.

Keith: What if we made the cheese...the outside?

Greg: Keith, this is a company of imagineers, not sandwich rethinkers. But I like it. I'll write it down for the next time we deal with Apple. They may want more food based products.

Greg gets onto his knees and enters an ideas trance.

Greg: My mother...she always wants to go to church. What if...what if it was a different church...religion? Islam. Islam and something else...something modern....something sexy....but with computers...porn...no no no....A dating site! Yes.

Joan: An Islamic dating site! What an idea.

Greg: Okay, now how do we market it?

Keith: Adverts on youtube seems the sensible choice.

Greg: Soooo, when people watch muslim videos?

Keith: No no

Greg: Dating videos?

Keith: I think just putting them on every video would work.

Greg: Ahh, the old cartoon-yourself approach. A classic.

Sheila: What if this gets big?

Greg: I hadn't thought about that. We'll need a TV advert.

Joan: I know just the thing.

Later. Greg is presenting to CombiCorp.

Greg: I'm about to show you the advert. I think it's best to let you decipher what we came up for you based on what your customer will see.

A black screen. Suddenly a hawk is on screen and talking directly to the viewer.

Hawk: I represent the Hawk.

Turtle: I represent the Turtle.

Hawk: Die, fiend.

Turtle: I shall cower in my shell.

Hawk: Truly the hawk is more noble than the turtle.

Turtle: I cannot dispute this truth.

Narrator: EVERYBODY IS ISLAM NOW

End.

Greg: The product we came up for you...is an Islamic dating site!

Lucy: Wha-

Henry: Why did you come up with a product?

Lucy: You're a printing company. We sent you what we wanted and you were supposed to print it and ship it. Today!

Greg: We very recently changed direction and decided we hated being a printing company and would now be imagineers.

Henry: But why didn't you tell us?

Greg: We decided that we would like to keep all of the customers we accrued as a printing company, and that the easiest way was to keep our old name.

Henry: Well, what did you do with all of your printing equipment?

Greg: Oh SHIT!

The printing equipment explodes because it hasn't been turned off and has printed infinity copies of a pizza leaflet.

So, an ending with an explosion. I like it; it's dramatic. And I can see why it exploded. If I had to describe delicious pizza but was never allowed a slice, I would murder my masters via my death.

In many ways, this was an allegory for the poor, many of whom are forced to describe pizza.

Blood, Iron, Ash & Flame

2010-08-08T00:40:00.006+01:00

So, I done gone read the Guild Wars 2 book. It's good, not enough mentions of specific gameplay mechanics, but it's got a nice story and you can relate to the characters. You know if I was a necromancer and also a tree-man.

But this is not the last you will hear of tree-men! For our story tonight contains plenty and by contains I mean they are mentioned once. OR TWICE. I hasten to add that you cannot spend mentions of tree-men. I add that because I fear your avarice may consume you.

This Guy And His Trees

A normal apartment. Amelia and Terry are husband and wife. They live together like many married couples do. Amelia looks not unlike Amelia Pond, however there are enough differences that were the two to ever meet, it would not be incest or anything if they started kissing. This will not happen in this script. However it may happen in my own private scripts that I write for the express purpose of masturbating to. OF WHICH THERE ARE NONE.

Terry and Amelia are in the kitchen. It is morning. Terry is opening a letter.

Terry: Amelia?

Amelia: Terry?

Terry: I have inherited four hundred thousand pounds from my uncle.

Amelia: Oh my god! Is he dead?

Terry: Not entirely. The letter merely says that he is in a state of mental imbalance. That may explain the unusual prerequisites for us to have the money.

Amelia: Well how unusual are they?

Terry: It says that we will receive this amount of money every year, if we use at least half of it to found a religion claiming that trees are people.

Amelia: That's uh

Terry: I think we should do it. I hate my job.

Amelia: I hate your job too. You're always complaining and it's irritating.

Terry: I think with this money I could quit my job as a dog executioner. I'll be a priest!

Amelia: You don't...you don't believe the tree thing right?

Terry: Of course not. But it's a good way to get money.

A year later. It is morning. Terry and Amelia are in the kitchen. Terry is wearing the robes of a tree Priest. He opens a letter.

Terry: Another letter from my uncle's solicitor!

Amelia: Have the conditions of the agreement changed?

Tery: The conditions of the agreement have changed! The League of Treemen now also believe that pushing things is evil and that only pulling is a divine way of movement.

Amelia: That sounds incredibly inconvenient.

Terry: The money has increased to nine hundred thousand pounds, but 60% must be put to use for the glory of the League of Treemen.

Amelia: I hardly ever push thing anyway.

2 months later. Amelia and Terry are at a conference for the league of treemen. Terry is running a seminar.

Terry: A good way to convert people is through the use of humour. Here's a joke you could use to break the ice: "Have you heard about our religion? It's Tree-mendous."

The audience are all mentalists, smiling creepily with their strangely glistening hair. It has doubtless not been washed for a long time. They do not laugh at Terry's joke.

Terry: *cough* Another one! Another one could be what kind of paperwork would a tree file if he wanted some time off work? A form for extended LEAF. That one could be used when you're leaving to get people to laugh.

The audience are really creepy dudes.

Terry: Amelia come up on stage!

Amelia: No thanks!

Terry: Well these are all good methods.

A storm of protesters enter. They are all wearing pikachu masks. They are led by Jeremy.

Jeremy: We are atreeists! Your "religion" is actually a cult!

Terry: Fuck you!

Jeremy: Au contrair! Fuck you!

10 months later. Terry and Amelia are living in a much larger house. This time Amelia opens the post because how about a little fucking variety.

Amelia: THE CONDITIONS OF OUR ARRANGEMENT HAVE CHANGED.

Terry: Jesus! Why are you shouting.

Amelia: The letter says to shout. It also says that the money has increased, also now our religion has to say that we hate jews.

Terry: Do you know any jews?

Amelia: No.

Terry: Nor do I.

Amelia: Should we...

Terry: I think history has told us where this will lead. I will reply to my uncle and tell him that we shan't do this. I ...I shall go back to executing dogs that I find and selling their remains at market.

Amelia: And I...I shall go back to being a...a dog executioner's wife.

Terry: Maybe I'll retrain.

A large mansion. An old-fashioned study with a roaring fire. We see the back of a comfortable armchair as we hear Terry read out his letter to his uncle.

Terry: And so, we have decided to live off of the savings from the previous years you supported us. I am currently retraining as a systems analyst and I hope this letter finds you well.

Uncle Almredus: Curses! The first stages of my plan were nearly complete. I shall have to find a new patsy in my scheme.

For it turns out. Almredus is a tree!

Wow, a shocking end to that tale. Did you notice the word atreeist? I thought of that on my run. It made me very happy.

Well fuck you then.

Return to Fire Island

2010-08-03T23:59:00.003+01:00

Ha, not really. It is the return to Hand island, but before we do I have a tale to tell. Anyway, I was coming on the home straight on my run and I saw an advert at a bus stop. I think it may have been the same bus stop as I found the can of diet coke. Anyway the advert was for Cats and Dogs: the revenge of Kitty Galore. A sequel to the 2001 film, Cats and Dogs. That film wasn't very good and I highly doubt that this one will be either.

Anyway, scripty scripts.

The Mystery of Hand Island

A dark night on Hand Island. The moon shines down on the sands of the beach and the palm trees glisten with their secretive moisture. Two hand people (handy men?) meet in the dark. I won't use their names so as to add intrigue.

Steven: A secret worth keeping...

Hugo: Is a truth worth shouting.

Steven: I have news.

Hugo: Does it regard....the mystery?

Steven: Which one?

Hugo: YES

Steven: Ahaaa

Hugo: THERE ARE MANY MYSTERIES ON HAND ISLAND

Steven: Why are you shouting?

Hugo: Ahaaaa

Steven: Ahaaa

Hugo: Anyway, what did you want?

Steven: The history club is disbanded.

Hugo: Really?

Steven: Yeah, it's too expensive to rent that room.

Hugo: Shit man.

Steven: Yeah it's pretty shitty.

Hugo: See you later.

Narrator: THAT IS BUT ONE OF THE MANY MYSTERIES ON HAND ISLAND

Daytime on Hand Island.

Greg: Do you think this is my real head/hand?

Fred: Your tone suggests it isn't.

Greg: YOU WILL NEVER KNOW

Enter Cobra Man.

Cobra Man: What's going on?

Fred: Two things. One, you're a racist. Two, this guy is implying he has a fake head/hand.

Cobra Man: Ahaaa.

Narrator: ANOTHER MYSTERY

Cobra Man bites the man in the head/hand. He dies, for you see. IT WAS HIS REAL HEAD/HAND.

Narrator: One less mystery, however THERE ARE STILL INFINITE MYSTERIES.

Underground.

General Hackner: So this nuclear bomb would destroy the whole island if detonated.

Major Thrindel: Or improve the island beyond all reckoning.

Narrator: Truly, A MYSTERY

Bombs goes off, turns out it kills everyone.

A fitting end to the Hand island trilogy.

Messages for the two people who read my blog and leave comments like good readers:

Fenghar, did you know KC Green was from Oklahoma? You're from there right? That's kind of interesting.

Sarah, I don't have a message for you, but would it kill you to go on the forum more and be more appreciative of me? I'm dying.

I mean we're all dying but I got this feeling like I'm gonna do somethin' crazy

Change and Change Again You Hordes; Madmen, Demons and Angels

2010-08-02T22:40:00.001+01:00

Boom boom, friends. Anyway the pathetic attempt at the epic was kind of awful, but anyway. Finished The Republic, about to read The Symposium. Expect me to advocate sexing up young boys in the near future.

Anyway, tonight we're going to retread old terrority i.e. Cobra man also the island of people made of hands.

None of us have got Arms

Cobra man uses his snakely powers to get aboard a ship to the isle of people made of hands. I expect he is looking to score some dope crunk.

Cobra Man: This hold is cramped as some shit, motha' f'ck'r.

Above deck.

Captain Stewart: What was that?

Master Bates: Sounded like a poorly thought out superhero complaining.

Captain Stewart: Haha, your name is masturbate! Also I thought all of the superheroes had died.

Master Bates: It seems John forgot that Cobra Man died in his inaugural script.

Captain Stewart: I don't...

Sailor: What's he going to say?

Rigsman: I don't know, but I bet it will be insightful.

Sailor: I can't imagine something that isn't.

Rigsman: Our captain is naught if not a man with a high place in his heart for words.

Captain Stewart: care.

Sailor: Well that's my expectations confounded.

Rigsman: AS MINE.

Crowsnest.

Ol' Bill: LAND HOY

Captain Stewart: We have GPS, Bill!

Ol' Bill: I HATE THE GPS THE VOICE IS SO CONDESCENDING

Captain Stewart: Bill, I don't like you.

Ol' Bill: Captain, my feelings for you cannot be expressed with mere words.

Captain Stewart: The answer is no, Bill.

Ol' Bill: I bought a ring.

Captain Stewart: Oop well we've reached land so we have to do the reaching land ritual where I shoot someone.

Rigsman: We've never done that before.

Captain Stewart shoots Ol' Bill.

Captain Stewart: You know what, the reaching land ritual is dumb lets not do it again, we agreed?

Cobra man: [tired and out of breath] Yes, it is a barbaric custom.

Captain Stewart: WHA

Cobra man: It is I, back from the grave.

Captain Stewart: Which one?

Cobra man: The original, however I have forgotten my name, probably due to the resurrection process (Lazerus pit?).

Captain Stewart: Get off my ship.

Cobra man: Okay.

Later.

Cobra man: Urrghhh you people are made of hands!

Henry: That's racist.

Cobra man: You look weird.

Henry: Maybe I think you look weird.

Cobra man: Whatever you're made of hands.

Did you notice how I didn't utilise cobra man's powers at all? It's called character development and I am expert in it. Anyway, this might be the first time I have continued an idea over two updates and I wouldn't be surprised if tomorrow's script didn't finish this story.

I also wouldn't be surprised if this was the last time we saw Cobra man. Did you notice Captain Stewart? In my mind his first name was Patrick. I forgot the name of the character he played in Star Trek.

Anyway, fuck you I don't care

Short post is Short

2010-07-29T22:56:00.004+01:00

But long post is long and today is long post. I start with a warning. This one will be long. Really fucking long. This is a challenge for myself, it is a challenge for you, but we will all come out of it stronger. I will say a prayer and then begin. You must read it all or the ending won't make any sense at all.

Archipelago

A narrator. Naked except for a stripe of red paint vertically down his body.

Narrator: Tonight is a story in 5 chapters. And thrusting towards them is me.

CLOSE UP OF PENIS

Narrator: Our first land is a city, where everyone is made of hands. We go now to Palmama.

A bunch of people made of hands.

Steve: Hey, Lucy.

Lucy: [Nervous] Hey, Steve.

Steve: Wanna hold hands?

Lucy slaps Steve.

Steve: I meant your outer hands!

Lucy: Oh! I'm so sorry.

Steve: It's okay, baby.

Later.

Steve: And...and what if there are people out there that aren't hands?

Lucy: How would they hold things?

Steve: They might hold...less things.

Lucy: Steve, you're such a wonderer.

Narrator: I HOPE AT NO POINT YOU ARE FORGETTING THEY ARE MADE OF HANDS.

Lucy: Hold my hand, Steve. I'm ready.

Steve: Your outer hand or like...

Lucy: My innermost hand.

Narrator: THIS IS DISGUSTING. Actually I kind of want to see their art.

Hand-Renoir: I 'ave made this!

It's a hand turkey.

Narrator: The next island is one where everyone always agrees with each other.

Nick: Hello, Emily.

Emily: Yes.

Nick: Yes.

Emily: Yes.

Nick: Yes.

Narrator: Also, they're beings of pure light.

Arthur: Greetings, Nick.

Nick: Yes.

Emily: Yes.

Arthur: I represent greatness.

Emily: I too represent greatness.

Nick: I represent grandiosity.

Arthur: Heretic.

Nick: Yes.

Narrator: The next island is composed of old men.

Merkel: Lemon Party!

Thomas: You're a freak, Merkel.

Merkel: Skreee!

Thomas: I declare war on you!

Samuel: I declare war on you!

Steven: WAR

Stefan: On you most certainly!

Orgy.

Narrator: Here, war means sex. And lemon party means violence. I should have explained earlier. Our next land is populated by island-goers.

Bungo: Have a cocktail.

Bongo: I will have a cocktail.

Hungo: The sun is very delightful.

Jengo: Guys! We live on a peninsula. What we're doing is racist!

All: Noooooooo!

Before the discovery of the land bridge.

Setarata: This is like, an island.

Henry: Let's black up!

Setarata: Henry that's racist.

Henry: Call me Bongo, woman!

Narrator: Woah there. Lots of people live on islands and aren't brutes. Take the japanese for example. No one else wants them. HAHAHA.

Racism.

Narrator: Anyway, the next race of people hate the pope and also the islands don't all tie together I win.

Oh yeah, how you like me now? How you like me now I make you read too much?

It was painful to write and my groin hurts now.

THE COLD BITES THE FLESH

2010-07-27T23:24:00.005+01:00

THE FLESH BITES THE SELF. THE SELF BITES THE SELF THE SELF THE SELF BITES THE SELF.

Yeah, anyway. Going to a week long drama thing, but also hoping to see inception tomorrow. Just went for a run, got ma ideas on and this one is set in an office. What was that sound? It was your mind. You are truly awake for the first time in your life.

Ah Believe!

An office. A meeting. A dashing young man is presenting to the companies board of directors.

John: I tell you a story! Of a dreamer. And there is a twist at the end. You will be surprised.

François: And you see, if we take a risk, we only run the risk...OF SUCCESS

John: François' words were powerful. But what does Mr Green think?

Mr Green: Well yes, but we must think of the company.

John: FUCK YOU MR GREEN

François: To HELL with the company!

John: François, let's run away together. We'll buy an orchard and you can sing me songs and buy me shoes.

Mr Smith: Isn't there any way we can incorporate your ideas in a safer way?

François: I don't know if there's any way to trial it without revealing its whole nature.

John: Your hair is beautiful, François. Do you use like a conditioner?

François: You're a production company, you take risk!

Ms Harman: We take risk, but we can't show child pornography.

John: But that's the best kind of pornography!

François: There's artistic justification! The child pornography is but the final note of a visual crescendo.

John: Oh, François, your words. They

Mr Smith: But there are others out there who only revel in the destruction of art via the masses. They can't be reasoned with because they don't reason with reason.

John: They intoxicate me.

François: I have a gun!

François pulls out a knife.

Mr Green: That's not a gun!

John: This is a gun!

He pulls out a gun and shoots everyone in the scene before pointing the gun at himself.

John: The twist? I AM FRANÇOIS!

OH MY GOD DID ANYONE SEE THAT COMING?

Shit I forgot to put weed comedy in with the office comedy. Goddammit I am so stupid.

tangerine

Mary Sue? OH NO I HATE LITIGATION

2010-07-23T00:49:00.003+01:00

So, it rained for four days. It's July. IT'S JULY!!!

Which means I can't run because running in the rain isn't a fun experience, i.e. I get cold. Anyway, this is based on an idea I had a long time ago.

Script

Meeting room. Writers and producers are meeting.

John: So, you've read the script, any notes?

Mr Blah: Scene 2.

John: Yes, the scene with an attractive lady.

Mr Bluh: Do you mind if we read it out.

John: Not at all.

Mr Bleh: *Ahem*

"John: Hello, Sophie.

Sophie: Why hello, John. What a...pleasant surprise.

John: Yes it is. And it's good that this isn't a tv show.

Sophie: No no, this isn't a tv show. This is real life that is being recorded.

John: And we're going to have sex.

Sophie: Yes we are, because you're so good at sex. "

Mr Bloh: This scene continues for 10 pages.

John: I think it's important for the viewer to realise that I am literally and truly having sex with this woman.

Mr Blaaaa: You said you were gay!

John: Yes I...er...that is to say, yes. I did say that. Because I meant it. I love penises?

Mr Bleeen: John. It's peni.

John: NOOOOOOOOOOOO

Mr Blup: We can't have someone who isn't gay working in television. NOW GET OUT

John: I'm writing about this in my blog.

None of that actually happened, except for the scene with all the sex. That's autobiographical. (THAT MEANS IT'S TRUE)

Also, fenghar if you're reading this, I would like to move the recording session either forward or back an hour.

OH GOD WHY

2010-07-20T12:18:00.002+01:00

So this next script is one that Sarah and I performed for a podcast and then audacity crashed and fuck fuck fuck you audacity. So here it is, reprinted for posterity.

Space War 1969

The moon.Two astronauts are talking amongst themselves.

Buzz: Ain't the moon beautiful, Neil?

Neil: That she is, Buzz.

Buzz: [pointing at the ground] Good lord! What's that?

Neil: It looks like some kind of hammer.

Buzz: Strange thing to find on the moon. And look at this footprint. A large, metal man must have stood here.

Buzz: And over there! More footprints. And a sickle. What does this mean?

Neil: Hold on, Buzz. Don't follow the prints yet.

Buzz: Why not, Neil?

Neil: Because I've got a sneaking suspicion that the robo-communists have followed us to the moon.

DUN DUN DUHHHH. Cut to robo-communists.

Marxbot: HA HA HA. TODAY WILL WITNESS THE RISE OF THE ROBO-COMMUNISTS.

Leninbot: YES.

Marxbot: YES.

Leninbot: YES.

Marxbot: YES.

Leninbot: YES.

Maxbot: YES.

Leninbot: YES.

Enter Neil and Buzz.

Neil: Ice to see you.

Marxbot: What

Buzz: It's chilling.

Leninbot: I do not understand.

Marxbot: MALFUNCTION MALFUNCTION.

The robots explode.

Neil: See, Buzz. Communism just doesn't work.

Both: Ahahahahahahahahaha bleep blorp zam clam.

Anyway, tomorrow will witness the rise of me.

Ceaseless Reconnaissance

2010-07-17T00:30:00.002+01:00

Sooo, thought of this on Monday and posting this on Friday. Good job John. Good job.

UHHHH Here is something about my day, I stayed in bed until noon and then pretended I thought it was Saturday to explain why I didn't go to school. I don't know if I'm happy or sad that my dad believes me.

An Eternity of Gazing

A children's television show. Sam and Elisa are children and are playing on a hill 'neath a tree.

Sam: Gosh, playing is fun.

Elisa: Yes, rather.

Enter Clyde and Claudia. They are clouds.

Clyde: Hello! I am Clyde. I am a cloud.

Sam: Hello, Clyde.

Claudia: Hello! I am Claudia. I am a cloud.

Elisa: Hello, Claudia.

Clyde: We are always watching you.

Claudia: Always.

Sam: That makes me feel so safe.

Clyde: We can never be destroyed.

Elisa: Wow! An invincible friend.

The tree comes alive. It has a hideous face.

Trevor: I live so near to your house. My branches can destroy bricks with ease.

Sam: So if ever I was in danger alone in my bedroom at night you could enter.

Trevor: AT ANY TIME.

Elisa: Spiffing!

Clyde: We love you.

Claudia: SOMETIMES YOU MUST HURT WHAT YOU LOVE.

Sam: We understand.

Trevor: [Looking down the camera lens.] We are real. We are real.

So that was my thing about children's television.

God I'm not funny.

I writ this at da Bus Stop

2010-07-12T23:17:00.002+01:00

Too gangsta fo you. Anyway, I can PROMISE that from now on there will be a new sketch every monday AT THE VERY LEAST. So, we are all happy that way. Anyway here is today's script that I wrote on Friday at the bus stop.

On fancy pants paper.

The Thrill of Complaint

A dystopian future.

Man: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGHHHHHH

ALL OUR WORST FEARS

Woman: Oh no!

HAVE COME TO PASS

Man: The mail warned us about this! I have 5 wheelie bins and I have put them out on different days!

Child: why father

Man: THE PC BRIGADE

Woman: You can't even stab your children anymore.

MEDDLING BUSYBODIES

Man: There are speed cameras everywhere! I can't even speed!

Dan: But accidents have gone down. There are less child deaths!

DAN SHUT UP YOU ARE A PAEDO

Dan: [Leers]

IT'S NOTHING LIKE THE 50s.

Man: This is Blair's Britain!

Child: [cries]

So. Exciting new images thing and stuff.

Amazing. Anyway I had a good idea today which I'm going to post tomorrow and you'll all laugh and hahah ahahahahahaha.

That'll be you.

Completely in Mourning, Asshole

2010-07-05T00:06:00.002+01:00

So, went for my run. Saw two rabbits. Unfazed by my talking, they carried on their shenanigans. Sexiest rabbits I have ever seen.

The Devil's Greatest Lie
A TV channel.

Announcer: Welcome back to the Atheism channel. Up next is the ever popular, Bible Contradictions.

Titles of Bible Contradictions. Two hosts, Bernard and Heretica, are sitting in their couches.

Heretica: Hello, welcome to Bible Contradictions.

Bernard: BIBLE CONTRADICTION NUMBER ONE!

Heretica: Genesis states that it is a sin to "spill thy seed on the ground".

Bernard: Earlier, IN THE SAME BOOK, it is said that the human race is made out of dust.

Heretica: AN OBVIOUS CONTRADICTION.

Pleasing jazz music.

Bernard: BIBLE CONTRADICTION NUMBER TWO!

Heretica: The book of Matthew states that Jesus was raised from the dead.

Bernard: But later, IN THE SAME BOOK, it is said that Jesus was resurrected from the dead.

Heretica: Which is it? Get your story straight before you try to vomit it in our faces!

Pleasant jazz music.

Bernard: BIBLE CONTRADICTION NUMBER THREE

Heretica: The Bible says that Jesus is the son of god.

Bernard: BUT USING THE VERY SAME METHOD OF WRITING, the Qur'an says he is a prophet of god.

Heretica: Which is it?

Bernard: SORT IT OUT RELIGIONISTS.

They are both struck by lightning.

Remember when I wrote comedy sketches?

Those were good times.

Walk your Dog; Exercise your Meat

2010-07-01T23:04:00.003+01:00

People walk their dogs on the route that I like to run. It's irritating. Anyway, here's a type of sketch I pull out when it's not a revolutionary idea. Hopefully I've put enough of a twist on it that my job couldn't be done by some sort of algorithm.

Tipping the Scales

A restaurant. A waiter is taking orders from a group of 4 people. Enter robbers.

Robber: Don't be a hero!

Jason Baines: Okay, let me go get the money from this supply cupboard where we keep the thousands of money.

Mile-mannered Jason Baines steps into the cupboard. A man dressed in a snakeskin leotard with a domino mask comes out.

The Cobra: I am the mighty cobra!

Robber: Oh no!

Also Robber: The plan has gone awry!

The Cobra does snakey things and the robbers are knocked out? It's difficult to make this funny in text.

The Cobra: Very well, everyone! Back to my home planet, Indiatron!

The Cobra points out of the window and while everyone looks he goes into the supply cupboard. Mild-mannered Jason Baines exits the supply cupboard.

Jason Baines: Wow, the Cobra was here!

Everyone: msdfhsyessdiguesshhsowhatouynysdhsfdweallsawhimyoufuckingidiot.

Later in a supermarket. The same robbers as before try to rob the supermarket. Mild-mannered Jason Baines ducks into a freezer and emerges as the Cobra!

The Cobra: Stop, evildoers!

Robber: Eat lead, cobra.

The Cobra does so and dies. Mild-mannered Bernard Hastings is nearby.

Bernard Hastings: I shall take up your mantle. I shall be the New Cobra!

Transforms. His costume is much edgier and by that I mean you can see his penis.

JUST THE TIP

New Cobra: Halt, evildoers.

Robber: Haha, he only has the powers of a cobra, we will dispatch him like we did the last one.

The robber shoots New Cobra, just like the first Cobra if you understand metaphors, you fucking hippy. Get a job.

New Cobra: You couldn't be more wrong! I have all the powers of not-cobra. I shall dispatch you by having lots of legs.

He does so.

New Cobra: Anyone want to thank me for my deed?

Child: Can you make your head fan out like a cobra?

New Cobra: Haha, no. But I can do the opposite!

New Cobra accidentally squashes his brain and dies.

I imagine everyone would glare at the child. I know I would if they'd just killed our one bright point of hope.

I think the rule is he has to take up his mantle.

STREAK

2010-06-19T17:12:00.003+01:00

Let's end this pattern of not doing anything for a week, by doing something in just 5 days. Here's something I thought of on Tuesday, which I am posting on Friday. HOWEVER IT IS MUCH MORE.

Ladies.

Anyway I was out running and I saw a rabbit on a construction site. It was brown and I only saw it because it was silhouetted against the horizon and then another one came out and they fought for a bit and I couldn't tell who won because they all look the same.

I'm joking I have so many rabbit friends.

Chasing some hot Tale

A father has his children and some other children that are not his around the fire. It is the past and he is telling stories.

Father: Long ago in the ancient past, when the world was young and made of pain, there was a giant called Hugor.

The screen goes all wavey or whatever and let's zoom into the story.

Hugor: HAHA! Fuck you little people I'm a fucking giant.

Hugor stamps on people because he fucking can.

Hugor: This is fun.

Father: But then the god of fountains spurted out of Hugor's penis.

Fountor: why hello

Hugor: OH GOD WHAT

Fountor: be not afraid

Hugor: WHY WHY IS IT IN MY DICK

Fountor: i am a god

Hugor: GET OUT

Fountor: you must destroy my enemy, fulthunin

Hugor: Who?

Fountor: this is the problem with large pantheons

Hugor wanders off to stamp on people. Except Fountor is in his cock so how does he do that? THE MAGIC OF TELEVISION.

Fountor: hey

Hugor: Why aren't you gone?

Fountor: fountains are really shit

Hugor: I know.

Father: Then Fountor went on his way. [popping sound]

Hugor walks away to go find funathin or whatever it was.

Hugor: Hey, are you Funathin?

Funathin: No.

Hugor: Wanna get high?

Funathin: Yeahhhhhhhh

Father: Smoke weed evreh day!

So, the high concept for this was that stories used to be really sexual in the past so I've put the rudeness back into fun kids stories.

I just want to be on tv.

It's slobbering time

2010-06-14T23:41:00.003+01:00

I ran a lot and it hurt but now I am okay. Also I had a weird dream where I had two dicks and then I cast a spell and they fused together and then turned into steel.

Hello, ladies. This next one is of the superhero variety.

Man and Superman

An ordinary street. Of shops. Normal shops, although for legal reasons all of the shop names are misspelled slightly e.g. H&W; Argus; Berger Kong. Bret looks up at the sky.

Bret: The moon is out.

Indeed it is, Bret.

Bret: This is one mystery I'm determined to get to the bottom of.

Bret winks and gropes an attractive girl on the bum. She slaps him, rightly, and then runs off.

Bret: A sure sign! I shall become a symbol. I shall become Mr Moon!

Gus: That's names stupid!

Bret: Fuck off, Gus!

Gus: How do you know my name?

Bret: What?

Gus: I said. how do you know my name?

Bret: I can't hear you. I'm going home.

I probably should have mentioned that Gus is kind of far away. Anyway, we move to Bret working hard on his costume.

Bret: I shall strike fear into the hearts of criminals everywhere!

Pretty unlikely.

Bret: Shut up!

Pff, whatever man. We see Bret out on the town ready to patrol crime or whatever. I haven't really established his goals. We see some evil-doers.

Bret: Halt, evildoers!

Evildoers: We are victims of society. As undeveloped philosophies of how the world works increase in popularity, criminals are blamed for everything. A barbaric thirst for blood drives the reaction to crime, inadvertently increasing it. Crime starts with the individual; all people are criminals, it is just whether they are on one particular side of the legal line.

Bret: What can I do to help?

Evildoers: Fight for prisons that rehabilitate instead of punish. Help prisoners redeem themselves and give them purpose in life.

Bret: That's not very funny.

Evildoers: The truth isn't funny.

So there we have it. Anyway I'm on the side of punishing criminals harshly, you may have noticed I gave the "rehabilitation" arguments to the criminal. Should have clued you up rightways.

Oh man, also I forgot to mention Bret's costume. It was going to have the arse cut out, so he could poo more easily.

I don't like my name.

cup...cup....Cup.....CUP...CUP...ah fuck it

2010-06-07T23:00:00.002+01:00

So I'm out for my run and it is painful today. I was wondering how the weight goes out of me, and I realised: it's through pooing! I don't like that thought at all.

Anyway, I had an idea and here it is. It might be a long one; I had a lot of ideas to put in it.

The Flow of Information

A library. We see a wizard dressed in all blue clothing. He has a long beard.

Hydronicus: Greetings! I am Hydronicus, master of water!

Laura: Shhhh.

Hydronicus: Sorry.

Laura: How can I help you?

Hydronicus: Yesss, these books won't scan at the self-checkout?

Laura: Can I take a look at your card?

Hydronicus: Of course.

Laura scans the card. With a machine, not with like her eyes.

Laura: You've got some fines amounting to over £3. When it gets that high you can't borrow books.

Hydronicus: I...see.

Laura: So, do you want to pay the fines now?

Hydronicus: Oh I'll pay the fines. IN WATER. Drown in knowledge, scum!

Hydronicus recites a spell and all the books turn into cups of water.

Hydronicus: I don't want to get your floor wet. Someone could trip.

Steve: [Interrupting the story] Are you a mentalist?

Laura: That's an offensive term.

Steve: You know what? If you had just told us that a pipe burst, we would have believed you.

Laura: You don't believe me? Come down to the library this afternoon.

Later.

Steve: Well you've replaced the books with cups, but I don't see the big deal.

Laura: Drink this.

She hands him a cup. A label on the cup says "Of Mice and Men". Steve drinks nearly all of it.

Steve: Wow! They're going to get a farm. It's going to be okay. There'll be rabbits.

He finishes the drink and starts to cry.

Steve: Why'd Lenny have to die?

Laura: So. I think it's a good way for the library to operate.

Steve: How do you return books?

Library worker Paul and customer, Henry.

Henry: Got a return here.

Paul gets to his knees and cups his hands.

Paul: I'm moving to Spain.

In Spain.

Paul: Turns out my new job is just to get pissed on.

So, some lovely topical humour there. Also: librarians. And I based this on a true story.

Oh shit, yesterday's update should have been called "The Mane Attraction". I'm such a damn sexy, handsome idiot.

I am Lion hear me roar

2010-06-05T23:13:00.002+01:00

Oh man, feel the burn and what not. I just want to run and run and run forever, also my watch is fixed! And my haircut is not as shit as I thought it was!

My life is looking up except for the forthcoming exams. But then! Looking up. I might even go running in the morning even though I wake up and then don't but this time I might. Anyway you all hate this part, but you have to read it because I otherwise you can't get to the sketch. You won't be able to conceptualise it in your minds. Wait, I mean contextualise it. I am such a fuck-up.

Don't Lion Me

BUSINESS SITUATION. Because it is ripe for comedy and also that is how my idea works. A meeting has ended and people walk past James, our hero.

Kevin: Nice work, James.

Frank: Yeah, good one, James.

Jenny: Great lion, James.

James: Thanks, guys.

Herbertson: James! You get in my office right now.

James: [gulp]

Herbertson: Because that was the best damn lion I've ever seen!

James: Thank you, sir.

Herbertson: You'll go far in this business boy.

James: I appreciate the kind words, sir.

Later.

James: Your finest hookers, please.

Dr Shiny: May I ask what the occasion is?

James: I sold my first lion today.

Dr Shiny: Boy, you will get the hookers that I only spit on to clean.

James: Yes sir, no way this is going to go badly.

Orgy scene with the hookers. It will be long enough to masturbate to, because I fucking hate it when TV programs show us something sexy but it's not on long enough to do something about it. That was a joke. IT WAS

James: Thanks for that lovely sex, everyone.

Hookers: Yes! It was tops!

Later.

Herbertson: James, the lions you've been selling recently aren't very good.

James: There's a downturn-

Herbertson: Don't blow smoke up my ass, James. Don't throw dice at me hoping something'll stick. Don't giggle at my nips until I smile, James. IT AIN'T HAPPENING.

James: There's got to be someone in the lion business I can turn to.

Herbertson: I am the lion business!

James: I don't care,

Then he shoots himself, like a cool dude.

The thing I hate most about doing these is thinking of a title for both the post itself and the script proper. Two separate titles for what are the same thing in essence. Also the title for this specific post doesn't even work, because lions do roar. Oh well.

Another one for the trenches. (That means it isn't good.)