For fourteen hours the man lay down
on the road begging for death
not one car came
not one car drove
and the man rebuked the tarmac
the man rebuked the lines painted on the road
"they always get driven on, but i can't?
what is this world
this world without an end"
So I was running and decided to listen to †. Those boys down at Justice know how to do an album.
Anyway, this next one is a sequel to the last script, but not the last post. Because the last post was more akin to a tweet on a twitter.
Humour is the best medecine...AGAINST CRIME
The office of the executive of the channel. Mr Thompson is talking to Humourbot3000x.
Mr. Thompson: I'm excited about your new programme. It's unfortunate that we had to fire your partner.
Humourbot3000x: Well, he was an evil robot.
Mr. Thompson: Yes. That's why we've got you a new writing partner. Say hello to Humourbot3000z.
Mr Thompson pulls the sheet off the gigantic object in the middle of the office. It is Humourbot3000z, the latest model in the Humourbot3000 series.
Humourbot3000x: This is the first time I have seen a Humourbot3000z.
Humourbot3000z: And I a Humourbot3000x.
Humourbot3000x: Let us discuss the differences in our design.
Humourbot3000z: I have a water cannon installed in my shoulder.
Humourbot3000x: I can impersonate farts.
Humourbot3000z: I cannot. That feature was removed when they built the Humourbot3000y series.
Humourbot3000x: I remember the Humourbot3000y series.
Mr Thompson: Well I'm glad you are friends now.
Zoom in to Humourbot3000x's brain. Enter John.
John: The concept of friendship is difficult enough for a robot. They rely on the emotions of humans to be their leader when calculating friendship. However, being friends with another robots does not involve human emotions and as such creates an infinite loop. This error was recognised in the programming of the Humourbot3000 series and a work around was installed. This workaround means that the two robots must become partners in fighting crime to understand more about each other. They must become....Robo-cops. OH SHIT THAT'S ALREADY A THING
Humourbot3000z: Let's ride!
The robots kick down the door of Mr Thompson's office and exit.
Mr. Thompson: It's cheaper than hiring humans!
A warehouse. A drug deal is going down.
Greggy C: Yo, Hillary B. You got the sniff?
Hillary B: Sure I got the sniff, Greggy C. But have you got the dough?
Greggy C: Hey, dawg, you know me. We cool.
Sleepy B Dog What for Jimmy How Down: I sure hope shit don't go foul.
The robo-cops kick down the wall of the warehouse.
Sleepy B Dog What for Jimmy How Down: Oh no!
Humourbot3000z: Didn't anyone tell you drugs were bad for you?
Greggy C: Yes?
Humourbot3000x: THEY WERE CORRECT
Hillary B: Shoot these mother fuckers up!
Humourbot3000z: X! Impersonate a fart. Their laughter will paralyse them.
Hillary B: That sounds like a toaster.
Greggy C: That sounds like the toaster I used to have as a child. Drugs is bad, I'm quitting this game.
Sleepy B Dog What for Jimmy How Down: I quit too. I prefer toast over drugs any day.
Hillary B: Well screw you fools! I'm going to fight til the en-
Hillary B is crushed by Humourbot3000z as he tries to kick her down as he did the door.
Humourbot3000x: Did you just try to kick her down?
Humourbot3000z: Looks like I've got a lot to learn.
Humourbot3000x: Human life is not sacred.
Humourbot3000z: Let's report back to base.
Back at the executive office.
Mr Thompson: I told you guys to write me a series, not arrest drug pushers!
Humourbot3000x: Sir you instructed us to become friends.
Humourbot3000z: Didn't you read the manual?
Mr Thompson: I glossed over it.
Mr Thompson sighs and takes a drink from his liquor cabinet.
Mr Thompson: You know, funny as it sounds, I do need a crime investigated. Someone's been stealing pens from the stationary cupboard. You two need to find out who.
Humourbot3000x: While you were talking I used my computer brain to work out that you stole those pens.
Mr Thompson: It wasn't me.
Humourbot3000x: Looks like I've got a lot to learn.
At the stationary cupboard. The robo-cops kick down the door.
Humourbot3000x: Looks like someone took some stationary.
Humourbot3000z: Not so stationary stationary.
Humourbot3000x: Let's search for clues.
Humourbot3000z: Nah, let's just frame some guy.
Humourbot3000x: That sounds funny, pal.
Suddenly inside their brains! A circuit flicks and Humourbot3000x and Humourbot3000z are friends.
Humourbot3000z: I will wash us clean of this madness.
Humourbot3000z uses his water canon and washes the both of them.
Humourbot3000x: We are writers not detectives.
Humourbot3000z: Let's write about our experiences.
Humourbot3000x: I'll bring the fart impersonations!
Mr Thompson and John and the drug dealers enter.
All: Hahahahahahahahaha bleep blorp zam clam.
That ending there is from messrs Kurtz and Straub and their daily affirmations.
Anyway this is a script that I think I might be proud of and also hopefully the last time we see these guys. Although there is the comedy rule of threes....
I guess that's why cobraman isn't funny. There's no comedy rule of infinity.