There is no god and I am proof.
Wednesday, 26 November 2008
Every year I write a Foot Theatre and every year they are a bit shit because I don't plan them. The last two were, in order, medieval and in the future, so I think I need to set something in the present.
Maybe take the piss out of Keith William's plays.
That would be funny. Right, his plays are set in Newcastle and they have lots of songs in. And they're too long. I think I can only do the first one. Thats not good for a parody, I shall have to abandon that idea.
Can you follow?
Can you follow it through?
Tick Tock: Yes.
Band: It hurts.
Tin Man: Only me.
Tick Tock: Only us.
Boom: Only darkness.
Band: That was crap.
Tick Tock: Boom x 2.
Boom: Comedy starts now.
Everyone loves rabbits alright, so this sketch should get me the popular vote. You know, the people that normalwieser watch Two Pints.
Greg: Hello, Craig.
Craig: Hello Greg. You are gay.
Pause for laughter.
Craig: I saw you watch High School Musical. Do you want to sex me?
Greg: Oh no. What you saw was a hilarious misunderstanding.
Craig: Look at my green cock!
Craig begins to jump on the table waving his willy around. It is green.
Craig: I ate loads of coins. Isn't that MENTAL?
Greg: It is mental. Or is metal?
Craig: That was the wrong balance.
Enter the Joke Police.
Joke Police: We heard there was a disturbance.
Craig: Yeah, Greg used the wrong kind of humour. We normally go for the shitty references and the shock gags, but the guy used a pun.
Joke Police: Okay. We know what we're doing. Greg, it's time to come with us now. We'll take you away from here and put you in a nice intellectual comedy.
Greg: I...I'd like that.
Right, that was very exploratory and it got away from me for a while, but I think by the end I wrestled it into submission. Death to the tea-makers. Woah, that was too random. I don't like that kind of humour and it sort of came out.
Wednesday, 19 November 2008
That most harrowing of jobs - designing games for children. We join Brad and Tony, brothers, friends, game designers.
Brad and Tony are in their office.
Brad: Damn it, Tony! I need those numbers.
Tony: Brad, I ain't got those numbers!
Brad: What are you talking about? Of course you got the numbers. I was there when you were getting them!
Tony: Well maybe they weren't the right numbers!
They both pause. They are breathing heavily.
Brad: (In a low, slow and quiet tone) Do you mean to tell me...do you mean to tell me that these aren't our numbers!?
Tony: They were the first numbers I could think of. They're not accurate, they're not from the right focus group.
Brad: Well I can tell that. (he pauses). Damn it, Tony!
Brad smashes a glass against a wall.
Tony: I'm not the only one who made mistakes today, Brad.
Brad: (Clearly lying) I don't know what you're talking about, Tony.
Tony: We both know what I'm talking about, Brad.
Brad: You don't know what you're talking about!
Tony: Damn it, Brad, if only I didn't! (sighs) Maybe you're just not cut out for the company.
Brad: You knew I was right for the company when we formed it together, Tony.
Tony: I used to know a lot of things back then. And I'm not sure I can do it anymore.
Brad: You know what, Tony?
Tony: What, Brad?
Brad: I used to know a lot of things too.
Brad turns away from Tony and begins to walk away. Tony pulls out a gun.
Tony: Going so soon, Brad?
Brad: It doesn't have to end like this, Tony.
Tony: We both knew where this was going a long time ago.
Brad pulls out a gun.
Brad: I've always known where this was going, Tony.
Both Brad and Tony shoot each other.
I think this script will win an award for Best Acting as it is the perfect script to act in as you get to act lots of different emotions and different facial expressions and it has lots of drama. I wrote it to be believable.
Tuesday, 18 November 2008
Let me set the scene for you. It's dark, there's no-one around and then out of nowhere walks a trench coated man. He sidles up to you. You don't know what to do and then he comes out with this.
Inspector: I heard you had a problem. Seems I only hear about problems these days.
Monday, 17 November 2008
Alright, this is how I write when it's nearly midnight and I feel like writing. Watch out for language, I hear it BITES. Oooh, gotcha.
Scene 2 The bedroom
Mother: Oh, that feels so good. It's so good!
Cuts to shot of Cardboard Box with hat on.
Mother: Oh, fuck me Bad boy.
Henry: I couldn't sleep.
Mother: You're 17.
Henry: I wanted to interrupt your sex.
Mother: Well I hope you're happy becau-
Bump sound is heard from somewhere else in the house.
Mother: What was that?
Man with gun runs in.
Man: Come with me!
Shot of the box.
Man: You've seen through my lie? I have no choice but to end it all.
Man takes his own life. He is later seen in the next shot running away.
Shot of the box.
Mother: Oh, George, I love you.
She hugs the box.
Right, I think that's the end of that awkward writing experience.
Was it good for you?
Sent this to Tom and we pretended it was my GCSE drama piece for 2 weeks. He can be an idiot sometimes.
Scene 1 A typical kitchen. A family is eating their tea.
Mother: Your father and I have been thinking about this long and hard...
Internet Man: I know something else long and hard!
Mother: Go away Internet Man. You're not wanted.
Internet Man Leaves
Mother: Anyway, Your father and I have decided to get you a new computer for studying. Isn't that right George?
Camera cuts to cardboard box. It is wearing a hat.
Mother: That's what I said. What do you think about this Henry?
Henry: Well as long as Dad's ok with it.
Another shot of the cardboard box.
Mother: It's like you're reading my mind!
Henry: Oh but I am...
Henry: Nothing. I was just talking to the voices in my head.
Mother: Look at your father when you're speaking to him!
Another shot of the cardboard box.
Henry: I'm sick of your rules. I'm leaving!
MOTHER FUCKING YEAH!!!
Alright, so that's the first scene. Again this was originally someone else's sketch that I've improved, but the original scene was actually much less interesting than my new one.
Egotistical? I know. I'm working on it. I'm not one of those people that brags about being arrogant or hilarious or whatever.
Alright, here's someone else's sketch made better.
There is a presenter with a puppet called Je Pe Pe.
Je Pe Pe: You haven't please me, Joe.
Presenter: No, no you're not going to-
Je Pe Pe: I'm gonna rape you.
Presenter: No, please I'll do anything.
Presenter arranges Je Pe Pe into the raping position. A cry of "cut" is heard and Je Pe Pe is placed on the floor.
Presenter: Who watches this?
Director: And their mums.
There is a silence.
Director: Should I have lied?
Producer: Um, I've been listening on the mikes. Could I have a word?
Producer takes Director aside and talks to him quietly.
Producer: You should have lied. Actors are fucking mental.
Camera pans to a window which the Presenter is running towards. Cries of "Noooo!" are heard until the Presenter turns around, takes off a mask and runs back to the Producer and Director.
Presenter: (Pointing at the Director) We sure got you!
Director: Who are-
Presenter: (Through gritted teeth) Shut up and wave at the camera.
They all wave as the camera pans slowly to a man weeping.
This started off as me improving someone else's sketch. It ended as one of my more surreal ideas, but luckily got the theme of famous-but-I-don't-know-them across seeing as how I'll be exploring that.
Wednesday, 5 November 2008
Alright, Burn the World! is my new show for kids featuring Terry the tuna and Terri the tuna. One is a boy and the other is a girl.
Terry: Hey kids, welcome to the show.
Terri: Today we'll be talking about arson!
Terry: Don't we talk about that every week?
Terri: Yeah, we do. Now give me a kiss.
Terry: Nice kiss, sis!
Terri: Thanks. Today's show we'll be talking about petrol and how it can be used to invoke that most primeval of instincts, fire.
Terry: You can find petrol at a lot of places but today we'll be concentrating on stealing it from a petrol station.
Terri: Now to do this you will need:
Screen is replaced with a blue background and items pop up when they are mentioned.
Terri: A bucket.
Terri: A scape-goat.
Terry: A petrol station. You can usually find them with the help of some sort of map.
Screen goes back to Terry and Terri.
Terri: Once you've got your ingredients you'll need to go your petrol station. Calmly place the bucket under the nozzle and press it in. At this point you'll want to hide a bit and put your scape goat in clear view.
Terry: And you're done. You've gathered your petrol. Tune in next week and we'll be showing you the petrol bomb. Bye kids, and remember...
Terri and Terry: Burn the world!
City of Night - Who turned out the lights? Some vandal.
Electri-City - It's a really turned-on place to be.
Drugs - We're so hip and "in" we named our town drugs. It's a shame about all the junkies, though.
Supervillain. He steals people's gas bills and pays them for them. For some reason people are really worried about this.
Hills people are worried. Stay in the loop. pEACE oUT!
Monday, 3 November 2008
An action film about Microsoft Paint.
Everything is great.
Photoshop comes along.
Microsoft Paint defeats Photoshop.
Everything is great again.
That is the storyline and now here is a quick extract.
Paint Brush: He's too powerful! I can't defeat him!
Line Tool: Just remember how expensive he is. And how long he takes to open files.
Paint Brush: Oh yeah.
[Somehow these weaknesses are used to defeat Photoshop]
Paint Brush: Woo.
#1 at the box office for 6 months. Comes out on DVD while still #1 at the box office. Super Awesome.