long time ago there was a man
and the man had a secret
a secret so sharp
it cut anyone who heard it
he told only the people that he loved
and only hurt those closest to him
until he stopped telling his loved ones the secret
which hurt them emotionally
You guys, I'm thinking about buying a peacock. £45 for an indian blue, that's a pretty good deal. I will name him Hermes and he will be the pimpingest pet of all.
Anyway, today we're putting that realism shit to bet and we're doing one about robots.
Two men sit in a small office. Jerry and Richard are executives.
Jerry: So I hired these two writers.
Richard: Are we still talking about the comedy show?
Jerry: Yeah. Anyway, this is the first time I've hired writers without meeting them in person.
Richard: Are you sure that's wise? They're going to perform on TV.
Jerry: Their stuff was so good, we've just got to let them perform. Anyway, Dave said they were real funny in person.
Richard: Okay, I trust Dave.
Jerry: Oh man, when we meet these guys we should fuck with their heads. Speak in french or something.
Richard: That's funny, Jerry. Alright, we'll pretend we're french when we meet them. When are we meeting them?
Jerry: On Thursday.
Richard: Guess I'm gonna bone up on my french then.
Jerry: You said bone.
Richard: Yeah, it's a word.
Jerry: I know.
Jerry pats Richard on the head. SUBTLY
Jerry: I know.
Jerry: You ready?
Richard: Mai oui!
Jerry opens the door.
Enter Humourtron 3000x and Humourtron 3000y
Humourtron 3000x: Language identified: french.
Humourtron 3000y: Bonjour. Il est agréable de vous rencontrer. Nous sommes enthousiasmés par cette opportunité.
Humourtron 3000x: Quand pouvons-nous commencer à discuter de vos plans pour le spectacle de comédie?
Richard: WHY ARE THEY ROBOTS
Humourtron 3000y: English resumed.
Richard: WHY DID DAVE SAY HE LIKED YOU
Humourtron 3000x: We are the final product of a programme to create a robot with the greatest sense of humour.
Humourtron 3000y: Witness my colleague's impersonation of a fart.
Humourtron 3000x: BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Richard: You sound like a toaster.
Humourtron 3000y: Therein lies the humour.
Jerry: This is so fucking stupid.
Humourtron 3000x: Perhaps you would enjoy another impersonation.
Richard: Of what a fart?
Humourtron 3000x: Fart selected. BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Jerry: Maybe they could be in a sketch about robots.
Humourtron 3000x: BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Richard: This is awful. This is so awful.
Humourtron 3000x: BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Jerry: Man that fart impression is pretty funny.
Humourtron 3000y: I wish I had that skill.
Jerry: Why don't you?
Humourtron 3000y: Fart impersonation requires a pure soul. Evil robots cannot impersonate farts.
Richard: Wait what-
Humourtron 3000y murders everyone.
There are two ways to end a sketch satisfyingly. Love or violence. Recently I have been choosing violence because I don't want to go back to making everybody gay.
not that there's anything wrong with that