There is no god and I am proof.

Friday, 17 September 2010

I tell you this time he's dead for real

I close my eyes
take to me bed
all truth is lies
I wake up dead

death is the end of conscious grow
sleep is the end of conscious flow
I plant my roots and every day
the plant is replaced and taken away

Seriously though, I can't decide if when I go to sleep I die. How would I know? I only have memories of my life before, but they're chemical. If you transferred my memories to a computer and then it awoke it would be the same and I could have died.

Oh no. Anyway this next one is about everyone's favourite character - Cobra man! I know you love him and that's why I keep bringing him back. Not because I find the very idea of him erotic. 'Cause that's disgusting or something.

Yeah it's wrong. It's naughty to be turned on by Cobra man.

He's On A Boat
Cobra man is on a ferry going on his holidays. He comes up to restaurant.

Lahillus: Hello sir. If you'd like to step this way. I assume you've brought your meal ticket.

Cobra man: I'm wearing it!

Lahillus: Ah. You must be the costume competition winner.

Cobra man: Right you are. I can't wait to pick whatever I'm going to eat. But oh! What a decision, for to pick one thing is lose out on another.

Lahillus: Actually this is an open buffet-

Cobra man: AVERT YOUR EYES I AM DETACHING MY JAW

Lahillus: Isn't that pythons?

Cobra man: When I took up the mantel of cobra man I was not fortunate enough to be bitten by a radioactive cobra.

Lahillus: Some people might say that you were fortunate in that, sir.

Cobra man: Instead I have trained my entire adult life in the jungles of South America, waiting for the opportunity to save the day.

Lahillus: So you don't have like a secret identity?

Cobra man: No. Anyway I am busy eating.

Later Cobra man has eaten a lot.

Cobra man: Now I must rest for 4 days.

Head Waiter: You're disembarking now.

Cobra man shrieks and his mask comes off. He instantly transforms into mild-mannered teen Freeman Hadley.

Freeman: I guess it is time to disembark. I am not full as it was cobra man who ate everything yesterday.

Head Waiter: Why-

Freeman: As a child I was beaten a lot.

Head Waiter: That's terrible.

Freeman: Yes, beaten at snap. I have not the brain for strategic thinking.

Head Waiter: Snap's a reactions game. Anyway I have to get back to my wenches.

Freeman: Ah the sailor's life. Uh I feel odd. Not as if I am about to puke though.

Mild mannered teen Freeman Hadley puts something on his face and then he disappears! In his place stands Cobra man, throwing up all over the floor.

Cobra man: I ate a lot!

Suddenly the boat lurches to one side.

Captain: We've hit an ice berg.

Cobra man: AHHHHHHHH

Captain: Why don't you use your powers to save us Cobra man?

Cobra man: Yes! I shall slither stealthily away and alert the relevant authorities.

Captain: Thank you Cobra man. Here is some gold out of my treasure as a pre-emptive thanks.

Cobra man: Gold is always welcome. I will also accept gold from any passengers who wish to live.

Henry: I'm rich! That means I should live!

Cobra man: Congratulations!

Anyway cobra man dies or something.

Is it laziness that makes me kill off my characters and bring them back as different people? Or is that only I recognise the true beauty in the repeated motif of death and ressurec it's laziness.

But! Here is a message for Fenghar, assuming he reads this which he will. Fenghar, I formally invite you to join me in a recorded skype conversation between your good self and yours truly for the benefit of the english language and all mankind in general on the morning of Sunday the 19th September, at 5 pm GMT.

Sarah, you can post a comment about how sexy I am if you want, or you can send me a quick email with references to my bod. THIS ISN'T SEXISM

2 comments:

Fenghar The Nord said...

YEAH OK TIME SOUNDS GOOD. I STILL DON'T REALLY UNDERSTAND GMT

Apocalyptus said...

Mmm love those hot twiggy legs John.
This isn't sexual harassment.