There is no god and I am proof.

Friday, 17 September 2010

Secrets of Marketing

I think I'll take take take a pill
With a glass of water I will will will
Goodbye to pain pain pain drugs are rad
Kill my mother and fuck fuck my dad

See my limey ears glow
Feel the sick flow
Feel the grass grow
Feel the people in tow
Let go.

Soooo been a while I guess. I've been busy and stuff. How've you been I don't care.

Anyway I have so little in my life that I feel like discussing it also it's late so let's just script. Also this one is set in an advertising office! I know, what originality. I don't know where I have this infinite source of settings. I didn't know there was room in the old skull, but apparently so.

Unpaid Tribute
An advertising agency board room. Steve is at the front, talking to his team.

Steve: So you've got to think for yourselves! Don't blindly follow whatever goon is on TV telling you what to do.

Frank: But we work in advertising?

Steve: Still? Jesus.

Enter Lisa.

Lisa: Just got a call from HawksCo. They want their ad to have testimonies in.

Steve: Oy vey, always with the testimonies!

Lisa: Oh, are you jewish?

Steve: No, I just control the media. ARE YOU STUPID OF COURSE I'M JEWISH

Lisa: Man, if you weren't jewish and had just said or written that-

Frank: Written? He said it.

Geoff: [Chipping in] With his mouth!

Lisa: Well it would be offensive.

Mertin: Hey! I used to be a jew.

Steve: You know what, testimonies are bullllllllshit. They're always done with actors or something.

Lisa: HawksCo specifically want actors.

Steve: I guess they can't handle Mr Steve.

Steve points to himself and gestures to his crotch. He then performs a short, but obscene, dance.

Steve: Steeeeeeeeve doesn't care about anyone in this business. Not in the business of ads not in the business of sexy dances.

Frank: Is this like the navy? Do we have to obey his orders and stuff.

Geoff: [Chipping in] Did you used to be in the navy? SO KAWAII

Frank: OMG

Lisa: [Just like a woman] SO KAWAII

Frank: Shut up Lisa

Lisa: Let me in, Frank.

Steve: Enough! Let's go out and get real people's opinions on the trouser fork, not some stupid actor.

Mertin: Hey! I used to be an actor.

Steve: Shut up, Mertin. You were probably only written in just now and then inserted before so that your line would seem like a callback.

Mertin: Hey! I used to be a callback?

Steve: No you didn't.

Later, some members of the public are introduced to the trouser fork, from HawksCo. Bringing you the best in garment related cutlery and working birds.

Steve: So, you put your ASS in the prongs of the fork. It helps you put on trouser that wouldn't normally fit you. Like a shoe horn for pants.

Henry: Oh, like my donkey?

Steve: No your butt.

Henry: Like the end of my rifle?

Steve: No your poo-maker.

Henry: My poo-maker would technically be my colon.

Steve: It's like a shoe horn for pants.

Henry: Ohhhhh.

Gemma: How do I put my rifle in this thing?

Steve: It's like a shoe horn.

Gemma: Ohhhhh. Where are my shoes.

Steve: It's a shoe horn for pants.

Gemma: But I'm wearing my wedding dress!

Steve: Then how's for pants.

Gemma: But I'm not wearing pants.

Steve: You know what this'll probably be enough for the advert.

Later in the board room, Steve is showing the advert that they made.

Steve: Now normally, we wouldn't make the advert without getting you to sign on first.

Mr.Green: Yeah...

Steve: So here it is!

Advert begins.

Gemma: But I'm wearing a wedding dress!

Steve: It's like a shoe horn.

Henry: Like the end of my rifle?

Steve: For pants.

Enter a gorilla who does the moonwalk. Except people don't notice this.

Henry: Like my donkey?

Steve: No, your poo-maker.

Gemma: I'm not wearing pants!

Steve: For pants.

HawksCo. The best in pants technology. End of advert.

Mr.Green: Much good fortune for you.

Steve: Twist was they were japanese where everything is backwards,

Mr.Green: Ching Chong!

Oh god I am such a horrible racist. If I am ever falsely accused of a hate crime the evidence is right here.

You know what I may be falsely accused of a specific hate crime, but I am definitely guilty of a hate crime and this it it.


Fenghar The Nord said...

id did odfpap p popop i coudln t read it all right now im'mgg
idinot idint'd tknow what awas going on im ryally tired i think i'm goina gacrazy

Apocalyptus said...

Hey! HEY. 'Ching chong' is Chinese, man. Not Japanese.

You so lacist.

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