There is no god and I am proof.

Sunday, 26 September 2010

I want to beat April but I can't

a little boy found a knife one day
he took it everywhere with him
he loved that knife

he took it to the park
he took it on the the train
he even took it to school

then one day some fool tried to step up
so the boy slashed that poor fucker in the face
but it was okay because minors can't be charged for crimes

moral: if you're young stab people

So I was on my run thinking of ideas for the script. Anyway, I thought of this great one about a superhero. Basically he had all the powers of a snake and I thought of all these adventures. Ten minutes later after I've planned out how he gets his powers and stuff, I remember Cobra Man.

Ffffffffffffffff

Anyway this next one is set on a train.

Tracking Device
A train. Stephen and Helen are strangers sitting opposite one another.

Stephen: Hello!

Helen: WHAT I AM OFFENDED

Stephen: What why?

Helen: Because I am a woman and will get mad at anything.

Stephen: Those women eh?

Stephen is correct.

Helen: I don't want to sit here opposite you, rape-pig.

Stephen: Bloody women. All the same!

Helen: You are an oppressor!

Stephen: Learn to drive.

Helen stands up but forgets to take her bag.

Guard: We have arrived at Stoke. Passengers change here for trains towards Norfolk and the Butlins area.

Helen leaves the train.

Helen: I have a pressing engagement in Stoke.

Guard: Oh really? Where?

Helen: I am not an object!

Guard: ALL WOMEN ARE WHORES

Back on the train.

Stephen: That lovely young lady left her bag.

A beeping noise starts to come from the bag.

Stephen: I better investigate that beeping noise.

Stephen proceeds to stick his head in the bag and jerk it around a lot. He comes away disappointed and throws it on the floor in disgust.

Stephen: WHAT A DUMB BAG

Jason: Why are you shouting person I do not know?

Stephen: This unattended luggage is making a beeping sound.

Jason: Here, let me help stamp on it. I know, I'll get out my wire cutters. Start cutting around.

As Jason turns his back to find the wire cutters, Stephen uses the window of opportunity to run away.

Jason: Oh great, my day keeps getting better!

Flashback. Jason is in his kitchen eating cereal.

Jason: I didn't put enough milk on this.

Back to the train, Jason hangs himself. And the bag goes on a mysterious journey, until it ends up in an MI5 base.

Mr Green: Who do you work for?

Mr Treat: You don't have to say anything.

Mr Green: Why...why are you undermining me?

Bag: EEEEEEEEEEEE

Mr Green: Was that a confession?!

Mr Treat: God, probably.

Bag: EEEEEEEEEEEE

Mr Green: You know what? I don't care about confessions any more. I just want respect.

Mr Treat: Yeah? Well I don't care look I pulled the bag apart, there's a smaller bag inside.

Mr Green: And inside that a larger bag!

Mr Treat: And inside that the smaller bag again!

Later at MI5 base.

Mr Green: And that's why we think this bag could stop the war on terror.

General Hilford: That's stupid you're fired.

Mr Green: What about our idea of putting some Friends boxsets in the bag and giving them to Al Qaeda?

General Hilford: You're double-fired.

Mr Treat: Hooray! We've been promoted!

I guess we learned a lot about ourselves on the journey. I think I need a break from these.

They're just, they're getting difficult.

2 comments:

Fenghar The Nord said...

I really liked this one

Apocalyptus said...

WHAT I AM OFFENDED.

No seriously folks this was a good one. I especially liked the beat poetry at the start.