There is no god and I am proof.

Monday, 6 September 2010

Fuckin' Poems and Shit

the gobbling men will steal your shadow
and try to give it back
but 'schew their call for all their hate
has made a tiny crack

the man who accepts their gift
has earned his house no wealth
for when he now redons it
he is a gobbling man himself

WOOOH POETRY

So anyway. I decided that 8 updates in one day would sour your tastebuds for comedy/IMPORTANT SCRAWLINGS. So here is the deal newfuckers, you get a typed-up script every day and a poem. I hate you people so much. You beautiful people.

Anyway the next 8 updates were written while I had two beers. So enjoy the next 8 days.

Oh yeah, and this next one is almost exactly the same as the last script I published. So that'll be fun.

The Naked Helm
A submarine. Cartright has been called into the chief's office.

Chief Levoir: Cartright, you're a loose cannon!

Cartright: Did I do something illegal?

Chief Levoir: Dammit, Cartright! You know damn well what you did.

Cartright: Well how do you know that I know.

Chief Levoir: Dammit, Cartright!

Cartright: Chief.

Chief Levoir: What is it Cartright?

Cartright: I'm implementing sea-law.

Chief Levoir: Oh shit! Why, Cartright?

Cartright: Because you're one of them!

Chief Levoir: You're damn crazy, Cartright!

Cartright claps his hands on Levoir's head. Levoir's head explodes into blood. It is revealed he is one of the balloon people.

Cartright: I knew he was one of the balloon people.

Later on the bridge.

Cartright: SEAAAAAAA LAWWWWWW

Sailor: Ohshit

Cartright: Damn right, Sailor.

Glebbins: Sir! I request the right to be the realmsman of sea law.

Cartright: Permission denied.

Glebbins: Why, Cartright?

Cartright claps Glebbins' head with his hands. Glebbins' head explodes.

Cartright: He was a balloon-man.

Sailor: This is why we implemented sea law.

Cartright: Sea law position number one!

Everyone turns with their front facing the walls of the submarine. Cartright points at Yeltser.

Cartright: I think you are a balloon-man.

Yeltser: Try and prove it if you can.

Cartright: Your hands are bloated. Your feet are wide.

Yeltser: I eat pies and sleep on my side.

Cartright: You avoid needles religiously.

Yeltser: I know none who are completely free

Cartright: Of compulsion to avoid all sharp things?

Yeltser: Fang of dog and crown of kings

Cartright: Okay, the sea law clearly states that one who rhymes well cannot be a balloon man.

Yeltser: That's where you're wrong!

Yeltser inflates and soon the submarine is floating on the surface of the sea.

Sailor: This is what the balloon-men do?

Cartright: Yeah, it's really annoying.

Sailor: Why don't you just not let them join the navy?

Cartright: Why don't you just not let them join the navy.

A witty end to a tale that was much more abstract than I remember.

2 comments:

Fenghar The Nord said...

I fucking love this. Rhyming is fucking great.

Apocalyptus said...

I didn't know balloons had blood.