There is no god and I am proof.
Sunday, 12 December 2010
Wednesday, 10 November 2010
A boardroom. Day time. Michael, Sheila and Tony are midway through a presentation to Sean, Robert, Mary and Susan.
Sheila: We're dynamic, we're synergistic and most importantly we're well coordinated.
Michael: So next time you need advertising, think Osiris advertising!
Sean raises his hand.
Sean: Yes. I thought you were a printing company?
Flashback. Caption says 10 minutes ago. Michael and co walk through door.
Michael: Hello, we're Osiris printing and we've got a very special presentation for your company in particular.
Susan: What's the name of our company?
Michael: Hi, the name's Mike. I run a printing company.
Back to present-day.
Susan: So you can see how we might think you were a printing company.
Michael: In a way, we do still print. [Michael sees a poster on the wall saying “Follow your dreams”] We print dreams.
Sheila: Using advertising.
Michael: We print dreams using advertising.
Sean: Well, we've already got an advertising company on the books-
Michael: [to sheila and tony] Okay, they don't like the advertising.
Sheila: We're a manufacturing company!
Michael: Osiris manufacturing? Really sheila?
Tony: By RA's holy testes, we could be a logistics company!
Michael: That's dumb and so are you Tony. [Turning back to the boardroom] I'm here to talk to you about Osiris logistics, helping you with your logistical analysis and evaluation.
Robert: Logistics huh? WELL that's a different story.
Sheila: Yes, we're really very logistical. Do you have a lot of logistical needs?
Robert: Do I? Listen lady, I have a whole lot of logistical needs and all of them need satisfying.
Sheila: Well that sounds like an interesting business idea-
Michael: Stop whoring yourself, Sheila! Jesus woman, have some respect for your body.
Michael: Whatever. Gentlemen, hello! I speak to you on behalf of Osiris Insurance, providing business insurance with the grace of the god of the dead.
Mary: Is that good?
Michael: It's satisfying, Mary.
Sean raises his hand.
Michael: Yes, Sean.
Sean: It's creepy that you know all our names.
Michael: I do a lot of research before I present to a company.
Sean: What's the name of our company?
Michael: Don't you just hate it when you run out of pens?
Michael: Well, those days are over, buddy, when you buy pen insurance from Osiris pen corporation.
Sheila: Top quality pens at low quality prices!
Robert: Surely a low quality price is one that is too high?
Robert points like an asshole.
Sean: Shut up, Robert, I want to hear about the pens.
Tony throws his arms in the air.
Tony: By Ra's sweaty flank, I'm bored as hell.
Michael: Shut up, Tony! Why did I even hire you?
Flashback. 10 days earlier. A small office. Michael is sitting behind a desk with Tony sitting in front of him.
Michael: Got any skills?
Tony: By Ra's powerful chin, I love egyptian gods!
Michael: You're hired!
Camera pans right, Sheila is in the room.
Sheila: Won't that get annoying?
Michael: Pfft, ever heard of a cool saying, Sheila?
Tony: Yeah, sheila.
Sheila: You didn't do it there!
Tony: By Ra's mighty heels, I don't know what you're referring to.
Michael: [to himself] I'm regretting that.
Sean: Listen, I think you guys should leave.
Michael: I respect your decision, Sean.
Michael, Sheila and Tony leave through the door. Through the window of the boardroom we see them arguing furiously.
Sheila: That powerpoint presentation did not go well.
Michael: Really Sheila? Is that why we're out here?
Sheila: I don't think it's necessary to shout. And I don't think it's necessary to go through so many fake companies before we say what we really do.
Michael: And I think it is necessary that we go through all the companies! It weakens their resolve when we tell them what we really are!
Sheila: I'm not saying the method's wrong, I'm saying it needs finessing! We could just have two fake companies-
Michael: Two? What is this, Burma? You want me to march in there and only say two fake companies off the top of my head?
Sheila: I'm just saying it might help.
Sean comes through the door.
Sean: Excuse me, we heard you arguing. Those companies you said were fake?
Sheila: [ashamed] Yes.
Sean: We really need a bunch of fake company names. I guess we'll hire you.
Flashforward. 10 days later. A man hangs from a noose from the ceiling of an office. He has his back to us and he rotates around. It is Michael.
Can you guess which recent script I cannibalised to make that one?
The person who guesses correctly wins a used towel.