There is no god and I am proof.

Monday, 20 September 2010

Sometimes If You Want to Have a Son You Need to Get On Your Knees

oh pain! that ghastly screech
yet these creatures call it speech
filled with hate and lust and pain
the creature is man. they're all insane

their hide shines in unearthly colour
their faces a nasty human sheen
beneath that awful wasty pallor
lurks a soul that's more unclean

I wrote this in Further Maths and during a seminar about writing personal statements. There were illustrations, but they were stick men and not very good.

I fear I may have been watching too many bad american stand up comedians.

The Uncharted Rise of Larry Charlton
Larry Charlton and Stevie "Gold" Weinstein are backstage, in a small room.

Stevie: Are you feeling okay, Larry? You are a famous comedian after all.

Larry: I feel just fine, Gold, my manager.

Stevie: Well okay then. It's a few minutes until you go on.

Larry: I think I'd like to reminisce about how I got to this point in my life.

Stevie: Sounds like a good idea Larry.

The screen fades and we see a younger Larry Charlton, on stage performing his stand up comedy.

Audience's laughter.

Larry: And what's up with all these rich mother fuckers driving around in big fucking cars? You been eating too much rich food, rich guy? Stuffing that caviar down yo throat, mother fucker?

Audience's laughter.

Larry: That's why you need that big fucking car, you don't ever have to quit yo guzzlin'/

Audience's laughter.

Larry: And what's up with all those mother fuckers being fucking dumb shits in their cars? Cutting you off and fucking all else. This guy knows what I'm talking about, this guy right here. Take a driving lesson you stupid mother fucker! Learn to drive!

Audience's laughter.

Larry: You know when you banging bitches, yeah you gotta put yo dick right in them. Yeah, this mother fucker down here, he gets it. Yeha, so you're banging one of them then bitch over here, bitch over here starts yelling 'bout how she feels, she feels "neglected" or some shit. Boys, bitches think you a mother fucker whatEVER you do.

Audience's laughter.

Larry: Yeah, yeah. Thanks everybody, you a real bunch of cool moterfuckers.

Fade to black.

Larry's voice offscreen: And then of course there were the movies.

A trailer for a family comedy film.

Narrator: Kenny C was the best at shooting his gat in the hood.

Larry: Shit boyee, you got crackadizzle or what? Do I have to pull out my AK?

Narrator: But all that changed when he got offered a new job.

Larry: You want me to be a teacher?

Record scratch.

Narrator: Now he'll have to shoot a different ammo. Knowledge.

Larry is at the front of the classroom.

Larry: My name's Kenny C, but you guys can call me Mr Teach!

Tiffany: Shit, Mr Teach, we ain't never had a teacher we can relate to so well.

Larry: It's 'cause I'm a brother.

Narrator: This Summer. D is for Da Hood.

Fade to Black.

Larry offscreen: That was my last movie, after the phenomenally successful, Bear in the Hood and A Harlem Woman. I decided to settle down and have a family.

Larry's manager's office.

Gold: Larry, you've been very successful. I just want to discuss some work-

Larry: No, Gold. I've retired to spend time with my kids.

Gold: Well that's just it, Larry. When you signed with me, you signed this contract that means after your first born reaches the age of fifteen, you must become a satanist.

Larry: That's all kinds of fucked up.

Gold: That's the way us satanists/jews work.

Larry: NOOOOOOOOO, okay I'll do it.

Fade to black. Then we are back where we started, backstage.

Larry: I guess that takes us up to now.

Gold: We've come a long way together.

Larry: Not many people have seen a career like I have.

Gold: You're on, kid.

Larry stumbles onto the stage. It is at the front in front of a lot of people wearing black robes.

Larry: Large crowd, huh? Okay, uh. I love....I love Satan/

Man: You're shit!

Man2: Yeah, you're the worst satanist!

Larry: Hey cool off mother fucker this is my first time.

Man2: Didn't you use to be famous or some shit? If so I have lost all respect I held for you.

Man: Yeah.

Larry: Wait a second, I was famous. I could those old skill that I once knew in the past that is behind me.

Larry adopts his stand up stance.

Larry: You know when you're driving yo car in the road, and there's some dumb shit jesus sheep driving all slow.

Audience's laughter.

Larry: Yeah, this guy down here, this mother fucker down here, he gets it. He knows what I'm talking about. You're all get out of the way, mother fucker! I'm trying to drive and you're worshipping an oppressor god! Get some driving lessons!

Audience's laughter.

Larry: And worship the true prince of Truth. Yeah those dumb mother fuckers really get on my nerves. You know what most gets on my nerves, though? Those fucking tiny packets of ketchup you get in those NASty diners you see. They're a real mother fucker to get open and when you do there's nothing fucking in 'em.

Audience's laughter.

Larry: Yeah, this mother fucker right here, this mother fucker gets it. Anyway, we've all had a great time tonight, but the real reason we're here is our lord Lucifer. So here's High Priest Archaeon with the real message of tonight.

Larry goes backstage.

Larry: How was it?

Gold: You did good Larry. You did good.

I heard if you say this script three times into a mirror I appear and demand sexual satisfaction. I mean I'm not very strong, so you probably won't have to acquiesce, but I will insist. Note: this may also happen if you do not read the script three times into a mirror.

Jesse, you done gone fucked up yesterday. We were supposed to podcast? If you forgot I guess that's okay, only other explanation I can think of is that you thought I meant Sunday the 26th. That's what I mean now. That's when we're doing it. At 12pm your time.

Anyway minecraft eh? I was chased down a mine I had dug to the depths of the earth by a skellington waiting at the top when I surfaced. It was v. scary.


Fenghar The Nord said...


sorry john :(


This one kinda reminded me just a little bit of the people who inherit the money and have to worship trees.

also you should now do a script about how there aren't any funny female comedians

Apocalyptus said...

I want you to draw me standing proudly next to my chocolate Christina statue that is at the top of my beanstalk.

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