A sickening blur stops
Suddenly and without warning
Why would you touch this
You cannot touch this
Seriously bro I mean
You cannot touch this
Do not try to touch this
Because you cannot touch this
So it's been a month since my last update. But there will almost certainly be an update following this one, because I recently entered the cracked sketch writing competition, meaning I can post the sketch once they announce that I haven't won. It's based off a sketch I wrote for this blog before, see if you can guess which one.
You know when I post it, which isn't now. Now I'm doing a sketch about the nature of satire.
A writers room. David and Saul are the head writers.
David: Okay, it's a sketch about the coalition.
Saul: That's right on topical, Dave.
David: Thanks, Saul. I pride myself on being topical. So, it's a sketch about the coalition.
David: We see David Cameron and he's paying a dog to lick his testicles.
Sally: So...the dog represents Nick Clegg?
David: Well no. Nick Clegg then walks in the room and pays a cat to lick his testicles.
Sally: The animals are...voters?
David: Well no. Voters then walk in and they're paying a menagerie of animals to lick their testicles.
Saul: No female voters?
David: Female voters get their outer labia licked.
Sauls shoots finger guns at David.
Saul: Smart thinking.
Sally: This doesn't seem like satire to me.
David: How so, Sally?
Sally: Nothing represents anything.
David: Really, Sally? Sounds like you don't have a dog lick your testicles.
Saul and David highfive.
Saul: Seriously though, you'd understand if you had a dog lick your outer labia.
Sally: You've both had a dog lick your testicles?
Sauls shoots finger guns at Sally. Sally turns to the other writers in the room.
Sally: And you've all had dogs lick your testicles/outer labia?
The other writers nod.
Harry: Mine was a tiny mouse.
Later. Sally has left.
David: Man, imagine if Sally gets a dog to lick her outer labia.
Saul: She could be great at writing political satire.
David stands up and walks to the window.
David: Maybe too great.
Sally's flat. She is dialling a phone.
Sally: Hello, is that Dean's Pets and Pet Supplies?...Yes, what's your cheapest dog?...Uhuh...uhuh.
Dean's Pets and Pet Supplies. David and Saul have just entered.
David: Okay kill all the dogs. [to shopkeeper] Shopkeep! I'll buy all of your dogs!
Saul: I thought we were killing the dogs.
David: Yes, kill the dogs, as in buy all the dogs.
David: And then later kill the dogs.
Sally: That's the fifth pet shop with no dogs.
David: Okay, so we were holding these dogs for resale and then the warehouse burned down.
Saul: Man the pigs will believe anything.
David: Yes. yes they will.
How did you like it? This is the first script for my new tumblr account.