There is no god and I am proof.

Saturday, 1 January 2011


My name is Jerry I like to go swimmin
I go down to the pool and look at the women
Put my goggles on and go underwater
Catch a sneaky glimpse of your wife or daughter

Whether she's hanging out or being cool
I can look at her titties at the swimming pool
It's a peep show for the price of these goggles
This bit doesn't rhyme because you should go get some goggles, go to the pool and seriously it's like they're just wearing their underwear.

Well, I haven't been running, although I probably could. I've been walking though and it's not too bad as the snow situation goes. Maybe next time I will go running. Oh and happy new year!

This next one is guaranteed to go off with a bang!

SPOOKtacular Viewing
An old mansion. A ghostly figure rises from the floor.

Gervin: Hellooooooo and welcome to a Spooktacular of spooktastic proportions. My name is Gervin, Gervin the ghoul and I'll be telling you three spooktastic stories to terrify and thrill. Our first story is about Edward the Atheist.

Edward is walking down the street.

Gervin: Now, Edward was an Atheist and didn't believe in anything supernatural. One day he was walking down the street and he saw a Christian handing out pamphlets.


James: I'm handing out flyers so that people will be save. I'm very reasonable.

Edward: Don't you know that religion causes all wars! People like you should be locked up!

James: You need to be saved.

Edward: I don't need anyone! I'm an atheist and all christians should be executed!

Gervin: Edward walked away proudly. He'd shown that stupid Biblebasher where it was at! But later that night...

Edward is asleep in his bed. Suddenly Satan appears.

Satan: Wake up Edward!

Edward: What??! But you don't exist!

Satan: Oh, that's what you thought! HOW WRONG YOU WERE

Satan drags Edward to hell and leaves him there. He is thrown into a pit of lava and he is whipped by demons and loads of other stuff.

Edward: If only I had listened to that Christian!

Gervin: But he woke up in his bed.

Edward: Oh, just a stupid ridiculous dream, it must have been because of that criminal Christian I saw today.

Gervin: How stupid the atheist was not to heed his lesson, because just then he had a heart attack and went to Hell.

Edward: OH NO!!!

Gervin: What a frightful story for us ghouls! Our next ghastly tale is about an ordinary housewife. It could be you!

A normal household. Glenda is an ordinary housewife.

Gervin: Glenda was an ordinary housewife, just minding her home. Doing some cleaning possibly. Then came the ring at the door.

Glenda: I wonder who that could be.

Glenda opens the door. It is a man in a suit holding a brown package.

Mr. Black: Allow me to introduce myself. I am Mr. Black. I work for an organisation that specialises in scientific research. May I come in?

Gervin: Glenda lets Mr Black into her home. LIKE AN IDIOT

Mr. Black: I am here to make you an offer.

Glenda: Will it be "an offer I can't refuse"?

Mr. Black: Perhaps.

Mr. Black reveals a box with a big red button on it.

Mr. Black: If you press this button, two things will happen. First, you will receive one million dollars. Second, someone you do not know will die.

Glenda: I'm pretty sure this is derivative.

Mr. Black: I'm sorry, what?

Glenda: There was a short story about this, they tried to make a film, but it wasn't very good.

Mr. Black: This is real life, you realise? I'm offering you a complex moral quandary.

Glenda: Well gee I wonder where the box will go next if I press it.

Mr. Black: I'm sorry what?

Glenda: If I press it, the last person who had the box is going to die, right?

Mr. Black: Uhhh...

Glenda: I'm right, aren't I?

Mr. Black: No...uh...shut up

Glenda: I have no interest in dying, thank you very much.

Gervin: What a spooky tale! Our next tale is very frightening, as it involves the supernatural!

A full moon. Pan down to see a spooky wood. A small girl dressed all in white is facing a tree. She turns around to reveal she has no face!


Gervin collapses on the floor and his spirit rises from his body.


Gervin dies of fright again.

Gervin: oh great I'm a triple-ghoul

Nate the ghast enters.

Nate: T-t-t-triple ghoul!

Nate dies of fright and becomes a double-ghast.

Nate: Oh great, thanks Gervin, now I'm a double-ghast.

Gervin: Shut up it was a real spooky tale.


Simon wakes up it was all a dream. He goes over to the mirror and sees a gash on his chest. He turns to the camera.

Phew, spooky!

1 comment:

Apocalyptus said...

BRB going to the pool.