TV Go Home

Young virgin flower

I watched you blossom

I saw you in your spring

and now your summer

Let me caress your gentle petals

Allow me access to your womb

I want to plant my honeysuckle

Inside your hairless cocoon.

That uh, that one was not autobiographical. IT WAS A CHARACTER I PLAY. Anyway, let's get this one done quickly haha that is impossible it will be long into the night.

The Revolution Will Almost Certainly be Televised

If you remember, last time we saw our heroes, Janet and Simon they were just talking about a tv revolution. But as these things go we progressed beyond talk, into what could be described politely as action and impolitely as fucking action you fucking whore get out of my life.

Out tale starts two months after their first forays into revolution planning and onto the set of the talk show Hounded starring Rufus Hound.

Rufus: Our next guest is Andrew Ridley. What can I say about Andrew Ridley? He came rocketing on to our screens a month ago and already he's the darling of the comedy circuit. Get your ass over here!

Audience cheers as Andrew Ridley comes on. It is Simon.

Rufus: Hello, great to see you.

Simon: Great to be here.

Rufus: Now, I've got something to get off my chest-

Simon: I hope it's not your bra!

Audience laughs.

Rufus: I was worried you were going to pull punches tonight!

Simon: I only pull women, Rufus!

Audience laughs.

Rufus: Okay well.

Simon: Yep.

Rufus: I have to confess-

Simon: Confess to what, a crime?

Audience laughs.

Rufus: FUCKING STOP IT. [pause] I have to confess that the first time I saw you, I didn't like you, didn't find you funny at all. But in the short weeks you've been on our screens you've really shown us the truth inside all of u-

Simon: Get down on the ground!

Simon stands up and pulls out a gun.

Simon: You heard me! Get on the ground.

Rufus raises his hands above his head and gets on the ground.

Simon: Everyone stay where they fucking are!

Janet comes out of the audience with 10 guerillas. Cut to executives standing on side-lines.

Mr Hartley: Should we...

Mr Green: Ratings are uuuuup.

Simon: For too long have we watched TV crawl into the gutter. Well, we think it's high time that television bucked it's ideas up and got some good solid quality programmes that are worth watching and not on too late and not full of smut. So from here on in, we the people will be commissioning great television for everyone to enjoy. First programme is go!

Theme music plays.

Janet: Hey, welcome to the show. You know it's the first episode of Janet's Chats, but I can already tell we're going to have a good time. Our first guest is my friend Pete.

Pete comes on, audience applauds.

Pete: Great to be here, finally.

Janet: So, Pete, I hear you like gardening.

Pete: That's a long story

Janet: We've got time.

Pete: When I was eleven years old I had a dog. His name was Herby, on account of how he loved to dig up all the plants in my dad's garden. Herby wasn't the smartest dog, or the cutest but he was mine [continues]

Mr Hartly: I really hate this.

Mr Green: Hey now, let's see what the ratings tell us to do.

Mr Hartly: Ratings are way low.

Mr Green: I guess it's coup time.

The canteen. Joel and Matthew are making the food.

Joel: Well what can we do? It's not like it's easy to take power.

Matthew: They just took over. Using violence.

Joel: But think about it. We've got access to their food.

Matthew: That is smart.

Later, in the throne room.

Janet: Simon, let us dine on these succulent morsels.

Simon: Yes, let's.

They both reach for the shrimp and swallow it. Joel and Matthew leap out.

Joel: Aha! We've drugged your food.

Simon: You fool. You can't drug a druggie!

Janet: I'm too drugs for your drugs!

Matthew: Is this it working?

Simon: We should, we should totally just do it

Janet: That would show them if we, if we sexed in their faces

Simon and Janet collapse on the floor. They wriggle towards each other and then finally cease.

Matthew: Now we're the TV Kings!

Production assistants: Okay.

Their first show. Theme music. Title card "Minerva's Manorahs"

Minerva: Honey, have you seen my unabridged semitic DVD?

Joseph: You mean Jews Uncut?

Audience laughter.

Minerva: No, you schmuck, I mean the Larry Sanders boxset.

Audience laughter.

Joseph: Oy vey!

Audience laughter, end credits.

Joel: Okay everyone that was great.

Everyone begins to leave.

Joel: Could I see Mike for a second?

The actor who plays Joseph walks to Joel.

Mike: What's up?

Joel: I heard you were having problems with the role?

Mike: Oh uh-

Joel: I know about the Catholicism, Mike.

Mike: No, I'm uh a rastafarian

Joel: I'm afraid we have to let you go

Mr Hartly: Excuse me for a second.

Mr Hartly leans into Mike and gives him a handgun. He whispers in his ear.

Mr Hartly: Take your prize, Michael.

Mr Hartly exits. Mike and Joel stare at the gun for a second and then Mike slowly raises it to Joel's head.

Joel: Don't do anything you'll regret, Mike. Please, Mike.

Mike: I never did like Jews.

Mike fires the gun and then turns and shoots Matthew as well.

Mike: Every channel will show non-stop footage of a kitchen being oiled! Gay pornography will occasionally intercede! The word obey is banished from the building.

Mr Green: Actors. [he shrugs]

One year later. Helen and Avery are a lesbian couple.

Helen: I've noticed people are a lot more tolerant than even a year ago.

Avery: It's probably the drugs the government started putting in the water supply.

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