ONCE UPON A CHRISTMAS EVE
BETWIXT A NORTHERN SLEIGH
A CHILD LISTENS WITH BOTH EARS
TO HEAR THE WINTERMAN SAY
I LIKE BITCHES WITH BIG BUTTS
I LIKE BITCHES WITH BIG TITTIES
I LIKE BITCHES WITH SEXY LEGS
I LIKE BITCHES WITH LITTLE CLITTIES
Guess who's back? It's me you dirty mutha's. It's been raining and snowing and cold for so long. I haven't been running for so long and that's because of the weather. So I've decided to do this without running. Which is kind of stupid, but whatever. I wrote this at sk00l.
Repeat After Me
Edward Summers is working in his office. He is dictating to his robo-secretary.
Edward: Play the tiger sound again, Sandrex.
Sandrex: Certainly sir.
A tiger sound plays.
Edward: Mix it with a cloud.
It plays again with a dope beat behind it.
Edward: Okay, I think that's enough. Finish the report on how I'm working on a device that can mimic the aural nerve and then you can go home early.
Sandrex: Thank you boss.
Edward goes into his lab. He turns on a device that looks like a laser crossed with a metal ear. He slips and his head goes between the beam.
It is later that night. Edward wakes up on the floor.
Edward: I'm alive! And I feel like I can mimic any sound, reproduce any noise and replicate anything that enters my ear!
Edward looks around.
Edward: Also I'm alone, that would have been a weird thing to say outloud if there were people listening.
Sandrex: Well, I think it's weirder if there weren't people.
Edward: Sandrex! What are you doing here you stupid bitch?
Sandrex: You said you loved me!
Sandrex slaps Edward. She is a robot so he goes flying across the room.
Edward mimics the roar of a tiger to scare Sandrex away. Sandrex malfunctions and falls on the floor.
Edward: What a power!
Edward Summers goes home to his fiancée, Summer Hayes.
Edward: I'm home, Summer.
Summer: Hello, darling
They make out.
Edward: Honey, I have some great news. I can mimic any noise I hear.
Summer: That couldn't ever get annoying. Excuse me I need to use the telephone.
Summer goes to the telephone. It is half a metre away, so this scene is not a long scene. Just in case you were worried.
Summer: Hello, is this the relevant authorities?
Edward: I wonder who she's talking to.
Summer: And you can come and collect the uh dangerous individual I'm talking about?
Edward: I sure hope this dangerous individual isn't near me!
Police come in and arrest Edward.
Copper: You have the right to remain silent.
Edward: How could you do this to me Summer? We were going to be married!
Summer: I didn't want to be Summer Summers.
Edward: [being dragged off] You could have been Hayes-Summerrrrrrss
Later in his cell. Mr Red enters.
Mr Red: Hello Edward.
Edward: What do you want with me?
Mr Red: We've heard about your...mysterious power. We'd like to offer you a job.
Edward: I'm listening.
Later. Edward and Mr Red are walking in the government facility.
Mr Red: You'll be working in our devastating insults department.
They stop at a door with several obvious attack marks.
Edward: What are these...
He gestures at the marks.
Mr Red: They're not the most popular guys.
They go through the door. Sitting around a table are five guys and three girls.
Gus: Hey, Mr Red, your wife still living in Montana?
Ted: Because she should!
Edward: That's a devastating insult? It doesn't even make sense.
Mr Red dries a tear from his eye.
Mr Red: Now listen here, you've got to work with this kid. Try and insult him.
Edward: Woah wha-
Mr Red leaves and slams the door.
Sam: So, nice sweater. Where'd you get it, your mom's pussy?
Edward: Where'd you get it, your mom's pussy?
Sam: He mimicked my voice perfectly!
Ted: You're a gay douche!
Edward: You're a gay douche!
Ted collapses onto the floor.
Jen: He's impervious to our insults.
And so the weeks went by and Edward got to know Jen some more. He was very happy in his job and with Jen the world seemed a bright place. They got married and moved to the suburbs where they had two wonderful children. Except they didn't.
Sendrex: Sir! Your throat had exploded.
You see, it isn't just sound that enters the ear, but also air. His throat started producing air and his voicebox couldn't contain it.
What an ending. Everything was a death hallucination. Except the power was real, so fuck you people who say I'm a lazy writer! I thought of this for real.