There is no god and I am proof.

Monday, 7 June 2010

cup...cup....Cup.....CUP...CUP...ah fuck it

So I'm out for my run and it is painful today. I was wondering how the weight goes out of me, and I realised: it's through pooing! I don't like that thought at all.

Anyway, I had an idea and here it is. It might be a long one; I had a lot of ideas to put in it.

The Flow of Information
A library. We see a wizard dressed in all blue clothing. He has a long beard.

Hydronicus: Greetings! I am Hydronicus, master of water!

Laura: Shhhh.

Hydronicus: Sorry.

Laura: How can I help you?

Hydronicus: Yesss, these books won't scan at the self-checkout?

Laura: Can I take a look at your card?

Hydronicus: Of course.

Laura scans the card. With a machine, not with like her eyes.

Laura: You've got some fines amounting to over £3. When it gets that high you can't borrow books.

Hydronicus: I...see.

Laura: So, do you want to pay the fines now?

Hydronicus: Oh I'll pay the fines. IN WATER. Drown in knowledge, scum!

Hydronicus recites a spell and all the books turn into cups of water.

Hydronicus: I don't want to get your floor wet. Someone could trip.

Steve: [Interrupting the story] Are you a mentalist?

Laura: That's an offensive term.

Steve: You know what? If you had just told us that a pipe burst, we would have believed you.

Laura: You don't believe me? Come down to the library this afternoon.


Steve: Well you've replaced the books with cups, but I don't see the big deal.

Laura: Drink this.

She hands him a cup. A label on the cup says "Of Mice and Men". Steve drinks nearly all of it.

Steve: Wow! They're going to get a farm. It's going to be okay. There'll be rabbits.

He finishes the drink and starts to cry.

Steve: Why'd Lenny have to die?

Laura: So. I think it's a good way for the library to operate.

Steve: How do you return books?

Library worker Paul and customer, Henry.

Henry: Got a return here.

Paul gets to his knees and cups his hands.

Paul: I'm moving to Spain.

In Spain.

Paul: Turns out my new job is just to get pissed on.

So, some lovely topical humour there. Also: librarians. And I based this on a true story.

Oh shit, yesterday's update should have been called "The Mane Attraction". I'm such a damn sexy, handsome idiot.


Apocalyptus said...

I met that Hydronicus guy... he's a dick.

Fenghar The Nord said...