Walk your Dog; Exercise your Meat

People walk their dogs on the route that I like to run. It's irritating. Anyway, here's a type of sketch I pull out when it's not a revolutionary idea. Hopefully I've put enough of a twist on it that my job couldn't be done by some sort of algorithm.

Tipping the Scales

A restaurant. A waiter is taking orders from a group of 4 people. Enter robbers.

Robber: Don't be a hero!

Jason Baines: Okay, let me go get the money from this supply cupboard where we keep the thousands of money.

Mile-mannered Jason Baines steps into the cupboard. A man dressed in a snakeskin leotard with a domino mask comes out.

The Cobra: I am the mighty cobra!

Robber: Oh no!

Also Robber: The plan has gone awry!

The Cobra does snakey things and the robbers are knocked out? It's difficult to make this funny in text.

The Cobra: Very well, everyone! Back to my home planet, Indiatron!

The Cobra points out of the window and while everyone looks he goes into the supply cupboard. Mild-mannered Jason Baines exits the supply cupboard.

Jason Baines: Wow, the Cobra was here!

Everyone: msdfhsyessdiguesshhsowhatouynysdhsfdweallsawhimyoufuckingidiot.

Later in a supermarket. The same robbers as before try to rob the supermarket. Mild-mannered Jason Baines ducks into a freezer and emerges as the Cobra!

The Cobra: Stop, evildoers!

Robber: Eat lead, cobra.

The Cobra does so and dies. Mild-mannered Bernard Hastings is nearby.

Bernard Hastings: I shall take up your mantle. I shall be the New Cobra!

Transforms. His costume is much edgier and by that I mean you can see his penis.

JUST THE TIP

New Cobra: Halt, evildoers.

Robber: Haha, he only has the powers of a cobra, we will dispatch him like we did the last one.

The robber shoots New Cobra, just like the first Cobra if you understand metaphors, you fucking hippy. Get a job.

New Cobra: You couldn't be more wrong! I have all the powers of not-cobra. I shall dispatch you by having lots of legs.

He does so.

New Cobra: Anyone want to thank me for my deed?

Child: Can you make your head fan out like a cobra?

New Cobra: Haha, no. But I can do the opposite!

New Cobra accidentally squashes his brain and dies.

I imagine everyone would glare at the child. I know I would if they'd just killed our one bright point of hope.

I think the rule is he has to take up his mantle.

It's slobbering time

I ran a lot and it hurt but now I am okay. Also I had a weird dream where I had two dicks and then I cast a spell and they fused together and then turned into steel.

Hello, ladies. This next one is of the superhero variety.

Man and Superman

An ordinary street. Of shops. Normal shops, although for legal reasons all of the shop names are misspelled slightly e.g. H&W; Argus; Berger Kong. Bret looks up at the sky.

Bret: The moon is out.

Indeed it is, Bret.

Bret: This is one mystery I'm determined to get to the bottom of.

Bret winks and gropes an attractive girl on the bum. She slaps him, rightly, and then runs off.

Bret: A sure sign! I shall become a symbol. I shall become Mr Moon!

Gus: That's names stupid!

Bret: Fuck off, Gus!

Gus: How do you know my name?

Bret: What?

Gus: I said. how do you know my name?

Bret: I can't hear you. I'm going home.

I probably should have mentioned that Gus is kind of far away. Anyway, we move to Bret working hard on his costume.

Bret: I shall strike fear into the hearts of criminals everywhere!

Pretty unlikely.

Bret: Shut up!

Pff, whatever man. We see Bret out on the town ready to patrol crime or whatever. I haven't really established his goals. We see some evil-doers.

Bret: Halt, evildoers!

Evildoers: We are victims of society. As undeveloped philosophies of how the world works increase in popularity, criminals are blamed for everything. A barbaric thirst for blood drives the reaction to crime, inadvertently increasing it. Crime starts with the individual; all people are criminals, it is just whether they are on one particular side of the legal line.

Bret: What can I do to help?

Evildoers: Fight for prisons that rehabilitate instead of punish. Help prisoners redeem themselves and give them purpose in life.

Bret: That's not very funny.

Evildoers: The truth isn't funny.

So there we have it. Anyway I'm on the side of punishing criminals harshly, you may have noticed I gave the "rehabilitation" arguments to the criminal. Should have clued you up rightways.

Oh man, also I forgot to mention Bret's costume. It was going to have the arse cut out, so he could poo more easily.

I don't like my name.

I only beat you

Because I love you? Well if that was the case I'd beat you harder.

Because I love you so much. Anyway, Fenghar is on my ass because he's bored and wants readings or some shit. FUCK YOU I'LL WRITE SCRIPTS IF I WANT TO IT JUST HAPPENS THAT I DO

Spiderman: Hello, citizen. How may I be of service?

Citizen: Hi, I guess. Why are you asking if you can be of service.

Spiderman: The bus is taking a while to get here. (He is booming all of this like a shouty man. Like in that advert. Cillet bang. He is shouting like him.)

Citizen: Yes.

Spiderman: So I wondered if I could be of service.

Citizen: I don't mean to sound rude, but who do you think you are? Not like in an accusatory way, but I actually want to know.

Spiderman: I'm Spiderman!

Citizen: But, you're just wearing a suit.

Spiderman: Oh Shit! I'm not in my costume? Oh shit shit shit.

Citizen: Yeaahhhhhhhh...

Spiderman: [Swings away on his web]

Citizen: Phew, he didn't realise I'm Superman.

Superman: That's because you're not. [Incinerates Citizen with a laser blast from his crotch, because crotches are hilarious]

THAT HAD POPULAR CULTURE IN you love that you whore you love it so much

can you hear that? Someone is coming up the stairs as I write. They are behind me about to stab me and instead of running I am documenting this event.

The guy has stabbed me in the gut, it is actually quite painful. I am going to click publish post now, could whoever reads this call the police, and possible an ambulance.

Superhero Tiem lololol deliberate typo

Window man was just an ordinary window salesmen, until one day he was attacked by bees. He died later that day from the bee attack.

But the time-frame which we are discussing is not later that day. We are discussing mid afternoon, where his delusions taught him to think he was at the height of his power, when in fact he was in a coma. I may have just revealed the ending but if you could forget that I had that would be just great.

Window-Man: I...I saw him die. He fell off the bridge just as I was crossing. I could have saved him.

Emma: How, Window-Man? How could you have saved him? Your powers are not that strong!

Window-Man: Aren't they? [He kills Emma to demonstrate his power] Noooooo what have I done? How truly ironic.

Enter Bees

Window-Man: Fuck you bees! [He opens up a window into the soul of the bees and they see that the true enemies are themselves. They proceed to sting each other] Fuckin' bees.

Window-Man begins to patrol the town, searching for crime to prevent. Then a man made of infinity wanders in and destroys Window-Man.

BUT NOT REALLY BECAUSE IT WAS A COMA ALL ALONG.

or was it?....

Characters Galore

It's a superhero who is a Bat, but also a platypus. I know, it actually hurt my brain how awesome this idea is. He has all the powers of a bat, and all the powers of a platypus.

GoblinTron. He isn't a superhero, but is a villain, Batypus's nemesis. He is a Goblin, who had an accident, and now his entire left side is robotic. He has an evil claw and a goblin hand. He has a small crime empire based in the town.

Another gang of supervillains, the Bungees. They bungee-jump around, into banks and things and steal stuff.

That's the main gang. Perhaps I'll add more. I don't think Powerful Man comes into this.