There is no god and I am proof.

Thursday, 1 July 2010

Walk your Dog; Exercise your Meat

People walk their dogs on the route that I like to run. It's irritating. Anyway, here's a type of sketch I pull out when it's not a revolutionary idea. Hopefully I've put enough of a twist on it that my job couldn't be done by some sort of algorithm.

Tipping the Scales
A restaurant. A waiter is taking orders from a group of 4 people. Enter robbers.

Robber: Don't be a hero!

Jason Baines: Okay, let me go get the money from this supply cupboard where we keep the thousands of money.

Mile-mannered Jason Baines steps into the cupboard. A man dressed in a snakeskin leotard with a domino mask comes out.

The Cobra: I am the mighty cobra!

Robber: Oh no!

Also Robber: The plan has gone awry!

The Cobra does snakey things and the robbers are knocked out? It's difficult to make this funny in text.

The Cobra: Very well, everyone! Back to my home planet, Indiatron!

The Cobra points out of the window and while everyone looks he goes into the supply cupboard. Mild-mannered Jason Baines exits the supply cupboard.

Jason Baines: Wow, the Cobra was here!

Everyone: msdfhsyessdiguesshhsowhatouynysdhsfdweallsawhimyoufuckingidiot.

Later in a supermarket. The same robbers as before try to rob the supermarket. Mild-mannered Jason Baines ducks into a freezer and emerges as the Cobra!

The Cobra: Stop, evildoers!

Robber: Eat lead, cobra.

The Cobra does so and dies. Mild-mannered Bernard Hastings is nearby.

Bernard Hastings: I shall take up your mantle. I shall be the New Cobra!

Transforms. His costume is much edgier and by that I mean you can see his penis.

JUST THE TIP

New Cobra: Halt, evildoers.

Robber: Haha, he only has the powers of a cobra, we will dispatch him like we did the last one.

The robber shoots New Cobra, just like the first Cobra if you understand metaphors, you fucking hippy. Get a job.

New Cobra: You couldn't be more wrong! I have all the powers of not-cobra. I shall dispatch you by having lots of legs.

He does so.

New Cobra: Anyone want to thank me for my deed?

Child: Can you make your head fan out like a cobra?

New Cobra: Haha, no. But I can do the opposite!

New Cobra accidentally squashes his brain and dies.

I imagine everyone would glare at the child. I know I would if they'd just killed our one bright point of hope.

I think the rule is he has to take up his mantle.

2 comments:

Fenghar The Nord said...

JUST THE TIP. YES.

Apocalyptus said...

Penis tip and thousands of money.
I like this.