ANYWAY, enough of that depressing shit, let's do some comedy!
Pure as the Driven Snow
A seminar video-tape. You know the type. This is going to be great. Steve is the teacher on the tape.
Steve: Welcome to your new career path! Many great people started out selling white paint, and you will be another of those great people. Before we begin let's close our eyes, and imagine what events in our lives led us to this point. What mistakes did we make along the way and choices that meant we ended up here?
Ha ha, not really. I'm not a fan of suicides.
[broooom crsh crsh. Text flashes on screen. "Technique number one"]
A suburban house. A man holds a can of white paint and is ringing the door bell. A woman answers the door.
Carl: Don't close the door! There are so many different types of paint that you can buy.
Woman closes the door.
Steve: [stepping into frame] Did you see what happened here? Carl started out his pitch with a negative. Never do that. Here's how it should have gone. [Steve shoots Carl in the head and replaces him].
Woman opens the door.
Steve: Hello! Lovely day we're having!
Steve: Would you like some paint?
Woman: I'll have as much as I can afford.
Husband: If we don't get a lot of white paint, right now, we won't be able to murder everyone in London!
Wife: Who's that at the door?
Steve: [Stepping into frame] Be careful who you sell white paint to! Pass on all details to the police. It's the only way to be safe.
[Text flashes on screen. "Technique Two"
Carl: Hey, would you like to buy some white paint.
Carl: Hello, madam, first of all would you look at this piece of card.
[The card is completely black. Blacker than anything ever seen on television.]
Carl: Now, watch as I paint this small part of your door white.
Sandra: Wow! That colour doesn't remind me of death and oblivion like that card does.
Carl: It should though, because it is just as arbitrary a sensation on your retina as the card.
Steve: [Stepping into frame] Carl you idiot.
Some hard hitting stuff there. Sorry for not updating yesterday, but I updated twice today which counts.
IT DOES YOU LIAR IT DOES