There is no god and I am proof.

Sunday, 8 August 2010

Blood, Iron, Ash & Flame

So, I done gone read the Guild Wars 2 book. It's good, not enough mentions of specific gameplay mechanics, but it's got a nice story and you can relate to the characters. You know if I was a necromancer and also a tree-man.

But this is not the last you will hear of tree-men! For our story tonight contains plenty and by contains I mean they are mentioned once. OR TWICE. I hasten to add that you cannot spend mentions of tree-men. I add that because I fear your avarice may consume you.

This Guy And His Trees
A normal apartment. Amelia and Terry are husband and wife. They live together like many married couples do. Amelia looks not unlike Amelia Pond, however there are enough differences that were the two to ever meet, it would not be incest or anything if they started kissing. This will not happen in this script. However it may happen in my own private scripts that I write for the express purpose of masturbating to. OF WHICH THERE ARE NONE.

Terry and Amelia are in the kitchen. It is morning. Terry is opening a letter.

Terry: Amelia?

Amelia: Terry?

Terry: I have inherited four hundred thousand pounds from my uncle.

Amelia: Oh my god! Is he dead?

Terry: Not entirely. The letter merely says that he is in a state of mental imbalance. That may explain the unusual prerequisites for us to have the money.

Amelia: Well how unusual are they?

Terry: It says that we will receive this amount of money every year, if we use at least half of it to found a religion claiming that trees are people.

Amelia: That's uh

Terry: I think we should do it. I hate my job.

Amelia: I hate your job too. You're always complaining and it's irritating.

Terry: I think with this money I could quit my job as a dog executioner. I'll be a priest!

Amelia: You don't...you don't believe the tree thing right?

Terry: Of course not. But it's a good way to get money.

A year later. It is morning. Terry and Amelia are in the kitchen. Terry is wearing the robes of a tree Priest. He opens a letter.

Terry: Another letter from my uncle's solicitor!

Amelia: Have the conditions of the agreement changed?

Tery: The conditions of the agreement have changed! The League of Treemen now also believe that pushing things is evil and that only pulling is a divine way of movement.

Amelia: That sounds incredibly inconvenient.

Terry: The money has increased to nine hundred thousand pounds, but 60% must be put to use for the glory of the League of Treemen.

Amelia: I hardly ever push thing anyway.

2 months later. Amelia and Terry are at a conference for the league of treemen. Terry is running a seminar.

Terry: A good way to convert people is through the use of humour. Here's a joke you could use to break the ice: "Have you heard about our religion? It's Tree-mendous."

The audience are all mentalists, smiling creepily with their strangely glistening hair. It has doubtless not been washed for a long time. They do not laugh at Terry's joke.

Terry: *cough* Another one! Another one could be what kind of paperwork would a tree file if he wanted some time off work? A form for extended LEAF. That one could be used when you're leaving to get people to laugh.

The audience are really creepy dudes.

Terry: Amelia come up on stage!

Amelia: No thanks!

Terry: Well these are all good methods.

A storm of protesters enter. They are all wearing pikachu masks. They are led by Jeremy.

Jeremy: We are atreeists! Your "religion" is actually a cult!

Terry: Fuck you!

Jeremy: Au contrair! Fuck you!

10 months later. Terry and Amelia are living in a much larger house. This time Amelia opens the post because how about a little fucking variety.

Amelia: THE CONDITIONS OF OUR ARRANGEMENT HAVE CHANGED.

Terry: Jesus! Why are you shouting.

Amelia: The letter says to shout. It also says that the money has increased, also now our religion has to say that we hate jews.

Terry: Do you know any jews?

Amelia: No.

Terry: Nor do I.

Amelia: Should we...

Terry: I think history has told us where this will lead. I will reply to my uncle and tell him that we shan't do this. I ...I shall go back to executing dogs that I find and selling their remains at market.

Amelia: And I...I shall go back to being a...a dog executioner's wife.

Terry: Maybe I'll retrain.

A large mansion. An old-fashioned study with a roaring fire. We see the back of a comfortable armchair as we hear Terry read out his letter to his uncle.

Terry: And so, we have decided to live off of the savings from the previous years you supported us. I am currently retraining as a systems analyst and I hope this letter finds you well.

Uncle Almredus: Curses! The first stages of my plan were nearly complete. I shall have to find a new patsy in my scheme.

For it turns out. Almredus is a tree!

Wow, a shocking end to that tale. Did you notice the word atreeist? I thought of that on my run. It made me very happy.



Well fuck you then.


2 comments:

Apocalyptus said...

It is TREEMENDOUS that I have finally managed to comment before Fenghar.
TAKE THAT FENGHAR.

Fenghar The Nord said...

GOD DAMMIT. I AM SO ANGER BY THIS. NOW I CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER WHAT I WAS GONNA SAY.

UGH.

IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN FUNNY.