There is no god and I am proof.

Friday, 7 August 2009

Okay, tonight you will witness the first post for a long time without any gay sex in at all. In fact it will be hetero friendly and include some bits about runners running a race. Race? Why that sounds like excellent fun.

Commentator: And he goes round the first bend, still in pole position.

2nd Commntator: Is he so fast because he's black?

Commentator: Um, what?

2nd Com: It's a simple question.

Com: No. Other reasons.

2nd Com: Okay. That was a racism test and you scored pretty low. Well done.

Com: Phew. I did think it was one of those tests. They just get your friends to do them?

2nd Com: No, John. I'm actually a racism inspector who went deep undercover to investigate various people. Everyone I'm friends with will get a racism test or has already undergone one.

Com: What about your wife?

2nd Com: She's not my real wife.

Com: Oh, so we're not really friends.

2nd Com: How could I be friends with you? You're asian.

See? A little twist at the end there that makes for hilarious comedy that isn't afraid to cross boundaries and also make predictable jokes.

Tuesday, 4 August 2009


Is it good for things? No, said a famous man once, but I don't know any famous people and I think that was a song anyway. Ooh la la, dismissing things just because they were in a song. Well people don't always agree with what is in a song anyway. They just put it in because it rhymes like, I found some apples in a crate, Cuban-style communism is pretty great.

Something like that could happen and then you get called the communist guy and they throw rocks at you in school, but enough about my school days. It's time for everyone loves, comedy about war.

Private: I hear tomorrow we are to die.

Captain: Not for certain, but...well most likely.

Private: We go against their bullets! How can we hope to live? I am a man, and man is flesh and bullets are of metal, unfeeling, uncaring metal.

Captain: We can...we can only hope.

Private: Of course sorry. I forgot myself. [puts on jester hat] Who knows what time it is?

All: We don't know!

Private: Mr Jam time!

He does some juggling and stuff. He is just finished when he is shot.

Captain: My love!

Other Private: You were gay?

Captain: Um, I'm on this blog. Of course I'm gay. The writer substitutes jokes for homo.


Captain: I wish I was on TV.

John: Hey I wish I wrote for TV.

Captain: Look it's John. Why do you make me gay?

John: Because it's HILARIOUS.

See there was some self-deprecation there, and that's because if you can't laugh at yourself because you're a terrible writer what can you do? Nothing. Nothing is what you can do because you're a fat useless failure.

Get a job.

Monday, 3 August 2009

Calm Down There Horseboy

Alright, before we start the sketch I'm going to do the bit where I talk about things and you listen for no real reason. Well read. Not listen. LOVE ME

Arnold: Woah there, boy. What's the problem?

Horse: Neigh, neigh.

Arnold: The well?

Horse: Neigh.

Arnold: I'm not buying you another well. You barely use the one I got you last Christmas.

Horse: Neigh neigh neigh.

Arnold: You don't even buy me anything. I don't see what I owe you.

Horse: Neigh.

Arnold: You've only saved my life 4 times at most. And in return I haven't made you into glue when you lost that race.


Arnold: Alright then. You can have that well.

See it was about horses and gifts. It has so much meaning and depth and I can tell you just love me for my body.

Peace out, homies.

Saturday, 1 August 2009


Throw it down. This is the mad shit.

It's called stream of consciousness. It's when you write and just throw things out there. Fish. Yeah. That was for you fans of random comedy. Which I think is you know alright. Here's something else for you fans of random comedy.

KILL YOURSELVES. With them gone this party can get started properly. Because they're probably 13 years old and fucking stupid. Oooh swearing. Aren't you grown up, John.

Man in street: [throwing eggs] Take that, society!

Other guy: What are you doing?

Man in street: I'm throwing eggs at society.

Other guy: Well aren't you a part of society?

Man in street: No I just throw eggs.

Other guy: May I join you? I've always loved throwing eggs.

Man in street: That's actually the real reason I do this. I don't mind society, I just like throwing eggs.

Montage of them throwing eggs in the park. Then in the cinema, at the zoo, finally in Paris.

Other guy: Oh, Steve. I think I'm...well in love with you.

Man in Street: Nick?

Other guy: Will you marry me, Steve?

Man in Street: I think too many of these sketches end in gay marriage, Steve.

Other guy: Well cohabitation then.

There see how FUCKING FUNNY that was. You're probably FUCKING LAUGHING from all the jokes.

Except there weren't any jokes. This is a serious piece, about society. See, we all like throwing eggs, and some of us enjoy sodomy, but society is evil and needs to be destroyed.