There is no god and I am proof.

Sunday, 7 December 2008

It's totally hilarious

A band is on stage. They are about to start playing. The manager is up there and is about to introduce them.

Manager: May I present...the John Wayne Experiment!

Frontman: We're not called that anymore.

Manager: What?

Frontman: We're not called that anymore.

Manger: What are you called, then?

Frontman: We haven't decided yet.

Keyboard player runs up and takes the mike.

Keyboard: I've decided, we're called the Dead President's Society!

Crowd cheers.

Frontman: I've told you we're not called that!

Keyboard: And I've told you, we are!

They scuffle, manager breaks it up.

Manager: Does it really matter what you're called?

Frontman: Actually, yes. Yes it does matter, because we're called Club Armstrong.

Manager: No, you're not.

Frontman: Why not?

Keyboard: Cause we're not poofters that's why not!

Manager: I won't have homophobia in this band!

Keyboard: Oh yeah, and who's going to stop me? Your boyfriend?

Manager: Clarence is a pacifist and you know that!

Keyboard: Sorry. I overstepped the mark.

Manager: Yes. Well.

They look at the floor. Shot of the crowd looking confused.

Manager: Will you accept a hug from an old homosexual?

Frontman: I...I think we'd all like that.

They all hug.

Right, that was a proper script. I've proved to myself that I can still write and that's good. I actually thought that bump on the head had made me not be creative anymore. Or creative in a different way.

I have no fears except of people lurking around my house.

Like, totally a blog post

I have just watched Morris Dance Off. It was great and now a short script by esteemed writer John Evans. He is trying to write without stopping, and I think this will go well for him.

Janice: Hello, Janice.

Janice: Talking to yourself? Again Janice?

Janice: I couldn't help it. It was the only path left.

Enter Tyrone.

Tyrone: But not the only path for me.

They embrace.

Janice: When-

Tyrone: As soon as I heard about-

Janice: No! Don't-

Tyrone: About the email.

Janice: Noooooooo! No one was supposed to know!

Tyrone: Janice, it's out there and it's true.

Janice: How can it be, when I'

Tyrone: I'm sorry.

John has started writing in a perculiar style. I think it's very easy comedy to write for me, this talking without saying anything much style. I've already done a sketch like this, but I think that this one is going to have to be last one. Ideas are probably better than just rambling.

Unless of course BBC comedy likes rambling.

Please buy my script BBC. Please!

Monday, 1 December 2008

A Drama

This is part of the Foot Theatre thing, but if that falls through it's still usable as a script.

Janice: But, RICKY!

Ricky: But nothing, Janice. I'm going.

Janice: RICKY! Don't go. Don't go RICKY!

Ricky: I'm sorry, Janice, I'm sorry. But we all gotta go sometime. My times now.

Janice: You think that Ricky, but I know you feel different. 

Ricky: Janice, I love you.

Janice: Then why don't you stay?

Ricky: another woman...yeah that'll do.

Janice: But...but why?

Ricky: I know it, Janice. I know it.

Steven: Hello chaps!

Ricky: Fuck off, Steven.

Janice: Yeah, Steven.

Exit Steven.

Ricky: What a nob.

Janice: What were you saying?

Ricky: I was saying Janice...that I love you!

Janice: Oh, RICKY!

Foot Theatre

Woooh. Ideas.

Under the Sea. A little bit gay.

Space. Already been done, but it could be good.

In the City. A gangster play. That sounds amazing. I'm going to write that, then. Oh wait, that requires a big cast of people. Not feet.

I shall instead do a parody of Television.

Thursday, 27 November 2008

Wednesday, 26 November 2008

Foot Theatre

Every year I write a Foot Theatre and every year they are a bit shit because I don't plan them. The last two were, in order, medieval and in the future, so I think I need to set something in the present.

Maybe take the piss out of Keith William's plays.

That would be funny. Right, his plays are set in Newcastle and they have lots of songs in. And they're too long. I think I can only do the first one. Thats not good for a parody, I shall have to abandon that idea.

Follow me

Can you follow?
Can you follow it through?




Kicks In.

Boom: Woah.

Tick Tock: Yes.

Band: It hurts.

Tin Man: Only me.

Tick Tock: Only us.

Boom: Only darkness.

Band: Follow.

ASCII: /||\

Band: That was crap.

Boom: Boom.

Tick Tock: Boom x 2.

Boom: Comedy starts now.


Everyone loves rabbits alright, so this sketch should get me the popular vote. You know, the people that normalwieser watch Two Pints.

Greg: Hello, Craig.

Craig: Hello Greg. You are gay.

Pause for laughter.

Craig: I saw you watch High School Musical. Do you want to sex me?

Greg: Oh no. What you saw was a hilarious misunderstanding.

Craig: Look at my green cock!

Craig begins to jump on the table waving his willy around. It is green.

Craig: I ate loads of coins. Isn't that MENTAL?

Greg: It is mental. Or is metal?

Craig: That was the wrong balance.

Enter the Joke Police.

Joke Police: We heard there was a disturbance.

Craig: Yeah, Greg used the wrong kind of humour. We normally go for the shitty references and the shock gags, but the guy used a pun.

Joke Police: Okay. We know what we're doing. Greg, it's time to come with us now. We'll take you away from here and put you in a nice intellectual comedy.

Greg: I...I'd like that.

Right, that was very exploratory and it got away from me for a while, but I think by the end I wrestled it into submission. Death to the tea-makers. Woah, that was too random. I don't like that kind of humour and it sort of came out.


Stop it.

Wednesday, 19 November 2008

Under Pressure at the Company

That most harrowing of jobs - designing games for children. We join Brad and Tony, brothers, friends, game designers.

Brad and Tony are in their office.

Brad: Damn it, Tony! I need those numbers.

Tony: Brad, I ain't got those numbers!

Brad: What are you talking about? Of course you got the numbers. I was there when you were getting them!

Tony: Well maybe they weren't the right numbers!

They both pause. They are breathing heavily.

Brad: (In a low, slow and quiet tone) Do you mean to tell you mean to tell me that these aren't our numbers!?

Tony: They were the first numbers I could think of. They're not accurate, they're not from the right focus group.

Brad: Well I can tell that. (he pauses). Damn it, Tony!

Brad smashes a glass against a wall.

Tony: I'm not the only one who made mistakes today, Brad.

Brad: (Clearly lying) I don't know what you're talking about, Tony.

Tony: We both know what I'm talking about, Brad.

Brad: You don't know what you're talking about!

Tony: Damn it, Brad, if only I didn't! (sighs) Maybe you're just not cut out for the company.

Brad: You knew I was right for the company when we formed it together, Tony.

Tony: I used to know a lot of things back then. And I'm not sure I can do it anymore.

Brad: You know what, Tony?

Tony: What, Brad?

Brad: I used to know a lot of things too.

Brad turns away from Tony and begins to walk away. Tony pulls out a gun.

Tony: Going so soon, Brad?

Brad: It doesn't have to end like this, Tony.

Tony: We both knew where this was going a long time ago.

Brad pulls out a gun.

Brad: I've always known where this was going, Tony.

Both Brad and Tony shoot each other.

I think this script will win an award for Best Acting as it is the perfect script to act in as you get to act lots of different emotions and different facial expressions and it has lots of drama. I wrote it to be believable.

Tuesday, 18 November 2008


Let me set the scene for you. It's dark, there's no-one around and then out of nowhere walks a trench coated man. He sidles up to you. You don't know what to do and then he comes out with this.

Inspector: I heard you had a problem. Seems I only hear about problems these days.

City Names

Trembleton - This name is a bit shakey.

The Small Apple - Because - ha ha - New York is called the BIG apple so we though we could...

Chester - Who names a town chester?

Monday, 17 November 2008

Cardboard Box Father

Alright, this is how I write when it's nearly midnight and I feel like writing.  Watch out for language, I hear it BITES. Oooh, gotcha.

Scene 2 The bedroom

Mother: Oh, that feels so good. It's so good!

Cuts to shot of Cardboard Box with hat on.

Mother: Oh, fuck me Bad boy.

Enter Henry.

Henry: I couldn't sleep.

Mother: You're 17.

Henry: I wanted to interrupt your sex.

Mother: Well I hope you're happy becau-

Bump sound is heard from somewhere else in the house.

Mother: What was that?

Man with gun runs in.

Man: Come with me!

Mother: No.

Shot of the box.

Man: You've seen through my lie? I have no choice but to end it all.

Man takes his own life. He is later seen in the next shot running away.

Shot of the box.

Mother: Oh, George, I love you.

She hugs the box.

Right, I think that's the end of that awkward writing experience.

Was it good for you?
Sent this to Tom and we pretended it was my GCSE drama piece for 2 weeks. He can be an idiot sometimes.

Scene 1 A typical kitchen. A family is eating their tea.

Mother:  Your father and I have been thinking about this long and hard...

Internet Man:  I know something else long and hard!

Mother:  Go away Internet Man. You're not wanted.

Internet Man Leaves

Mother:  Anyway, Your father and I have decided to get you a new computer for studying. Isn't that right George?

Camera cuts to cardboard box. It is wearing a hat.

Mother:  That's what I said. What do you think about this Henry?

Henry:  Well as long as Dad's ok with it.

Another shot of the cardboard box.

Mother: It's like you're reading my mind!

Henry: Oh but I am...

Mother: What?

Henry: Nothing. I was just talking to the voices in my head.

Mother: Look at your father when you're speaking to him!

Another shot of the cardboard box.

Henry: I'm sick of your rules. I'm leaving!


Alright, so that's the first scene. Again this was originally someone else's sketch that I've improved, but the original scene was actually much less interesting than my new one.

Egotistical? I know. I'm working on it. I'm not one of those people that brags about being arrogant or hilarious or whatever.

Other people's sketches

Alright, here's someone else's sketch made better. 

There is a presenter with a puppet called Je Pe Pe.

Je Pe Pe: You haven't please me, Joe.

Presenter: No, no you're not going to-

Je Pe Pe: I'm gonna rape you.

Presenter: No, please I'll do anything.

Presenter arranges Je Pe Pe into the raping position. A cry of "cut" is heard and Je Pe Pe is placed on the floor.

Presenter: Who watches this?

Director: Perverts.

Presenter: Perve-

Director: And their mums.

There is a silence.

Director: Should I have lied?

Enter Producer.

Producer: Um, I've been listening on the mikes. Could I have a word?

Producer takes Director aside and talks to him quietly.

Producer: You should have lied. Actors are fucking mental.

Camera pans to a window which the Presenter is running towards. Cries of "Noooo!" are heard until the Presenter turns around, takes off a mask and runs back to the Producer and Director.

Presenter: (Pointing at the Director) We sure got you!

Director: Who are-

Presenter: (Through gritted teeth) Shut up and wave at the camera.

They all wave as the camera pans slowly to a man weeping.

This started off as me improving someone else's sketch. It ended as one of my more surreal ideas, but luckily got the theme of famous-but-I-don't-know-them across seeing as how I'll be exploring that.


Wednesday, 5 November 2008

Burn the World!

Alright, Burn the World! is my new show for kids featuring Terry the tuna and Terri the tuna. One is a boy and the other is a girl.

Terry: Hey kids, welcome to the show.

Terri: Today we'll be talking about arson!

Terry: Don't we talk about that every week?

They laugh.

Terri: Yeah, we do. Now give me a kiss.

They kiss.

Terry: Nice kiss, sis!

Terri: Thanks. Today's show we'll be talking about petrol and how it can be used to invoke that most primeval of instincts, fire.

Terry: You can find petrol  at a lot of places but today we'll be concentrating on stealing it from a petrol station.

Terri: Now to do this you will need:

Screen is replaced with a blue background and items pop up when they are mentioned.

Terri: A bucket.

Terry: Hands.

Terri: A scape-goat.

Terry: A petrol station. You can usually find them with the help of some sort of map.

Screen goes back to Terry and Terri.

Terri: Once you've got your ingredients you'll need to go your petrol station. Calmly place the bucket under the nozzle and press it in. At this point you'll want to hide a bit and put your scape goat in clear view.

Terry: And you're done. You've gathered your petrol. Tune in next week and we'll be showing you the petrol bomb. Bye kids, and remember...

Terri and Terry: Burn the world!

City Names

City of Night - Who turned out the lights? Some vandal.

Electri-City - It's a really turned-on place to be.

Drugs - We're so hip and "in" we named our town drugs. It's a shame about all the junkies, though.

Supervillain. He steals people's gas bills and pays them for them. For some reason people are really worried about this.

Hills people are worried. Stay in the loop. pEACE oUT!

Monday, 3 November 2008

Sketch Idea

An action film about Microsoft Paint.

Everything is great.
Photoshop comes along.
Microsoft Paint defeats Photoshop.
Everything is great again.

That is the storyline and now here is a quick extract.

Paint Brush: He's too powerful! I can't defeat him!

Line Tool: Just remember how expensive he is. And how long he takes to open files.

Paint Brush: Oh yeah.

[Somehow these weaknesses are used to defeat Photoshop]

Paint Brush: Woo.

#1 at the box office for 6 months. Comes out on DVD while still #1 at the box office. Super Awesome.

Saturday, 18 October 2008

A bit of LIGHT Entertainment

Along comes John, in his uppity thespian ways, writing his first proper thing for YouTube.

John: Oh, a light turned on in the middle of the day.

Turns it off.

John: It was probably a mistake.

Scene 2 In  Which John finds a second light turned on

John: I'll just turn this off.

Turns it off.

John: Maybe they forgot about the global energy crisis.

Scene 3

John turns off a light

John: It could be a different person.

Scene 4

John: Why is it on now?

Turns it off.

John: What purpose does it serve? It gives out no light.

Scene 5

Turns off a light.

John: It's the middle of Summer. The only time people need this light is if they happen to be making breakfast at 1 o clock in the morning.

Scene 6 At the Dinner Table

John: So, whoever is torturing me like this, can you please stop? I'm finding it very hard to sleep knowing energy is being wasted.

Sarah: Actually, I've been wondering who it is as well. I think we can all agree not to turn it on again.

Scene 7

Comes across a light turned on.

John: Just stop! I don't care who it is, just stop turning the light on! I'm losing my mind!

He kneels down.

John: Why!? Why would someone do this?!

He begins to weep, but in the middle of it, turns off the light.

Scene 8

John: Okay. I'll turn this off and wait. We'll see who keeps turning the light on.

Scene 9

Someone is scuttering about near the light switch. John wakes up behind the futon.

John: What? Who's there?

Goblin: It is me, the Goblin that wastes Electricity.

John: More like the Goblin of being a bender.

John hits the goblin with the halberd.

John: [turns to camera] Don't be a Goblin Bender. Turn off the light.

Monday, 13 October 2008

Weird Law

Okay, it's a script with some good ideas in it, but I'm not sure how to work them together, so here's my best attempt.

Phone rings. Man comes over to pick it up.

Woman Salesmen: Hello, Have you ever thought about purchasing a telephone?

Man: No, I haven't really, what are the perks?

Woman Salesmen: You can talk to people far away and they can sell you things!

Man: Wait a minute...Is this cheryl? The restraining order forbids you to contact me!

Woman Salesmen: Not anymore. After the  Restraining Order Employment Act, I can call you if I need to do so as part of my job. I guess we can talk about our relationship now.

Man: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!

Cuts to presetnter walking down street.

Presenter: Do you want this to happen to you? Because if the Restraining Order Employment Act gets passed, it will. And it could even be worse.

Cut to man throwing bricks off a womans house.

Woman in house: Why are you throwing bricks at my house?

Man: (shouting) IT'S MY JOB NOW!

Cuts back.

Presenter: Write to your MP and tell him to vote no on the Restraining Order Employment Act.

Anyway, I think you get the basic idea of the sketch from that.

Sunday, 12 October 2008

An Advert

An advertisement for Television. Played on Television.

Saturday, 11 October 2008


Salt Game. You know the rules.

Get Back to Your Roots

It's the new game show from ITV, "Get back to Your Roots!". It's a hybrid show, involving mindless guesing ( a la Deal or No Deal) and mild racism all involved in the central theme of puns around the word "root".

Round One
We've hidden some root vegetables in these boxes, and all the contestants have to do is work out what's in their box.

Is it a potato? Yes. A lot of them are potatos.

Is mine a potato, also? No. It's a carrot. Some of them are carrots. We could only remember two root vegetables.

Is mine a carrot? No. It's a potato.

Round Two
We've found some people who aren't from the United Kingdom and dressed them in shiny mirroball suits. Guess what country they're from, using only they're face.

India! No. How could that possibly be true?

China! Close, it was Japan, but her parents are from China.

Africa! Ok, first of all Africa isn't a country, and also that's quite racist to assume that all black people are from Africa. He's from North America. He's a mormon and likes long walks in the rain.

The black man and the Presenter begin to kiss.

Israel! That's...correct. How did you work it out?

I'm blind to race.  I see. That's very liberal of you.
I see only the person.

Round Three
In which we mix Rounds One and Two together. All the contestants have to do is guess which root vegetables grow in the native countries of this set of people.

Potato! Correct. Potatoes grow in most places.

Potato! That too is correct.

Carrot! Wrong. You really should have said potato.

I didn't want to take the easy way out.

Rhubarb! That's not a root vegetable. And even if it were, it's wrong.

And at the end of the game we total up the points and the people with the most go  on an all-expense-paid trip to Sheffield.

The show is made in Australia.

A little bit Racial

Okay. Today we have a sketch or tv show that explore race and its repurcussions in our society. I think it's funny as well. Although it might not be. It's a bit like Shcroed - Schroeding - Shroodonger's- the quantum physics thing with the cat.

A couple a sitting on a park bench. It is a heterosexual couple. They are white.

Man: Have you ever noticed how black people -

Presenter: Let me just stop you there. How can you be sure this conversation isn't going to be racist?

Man: I guess I can't.

Woman: It sounded a bit racist, but I wasn't sure. It could have been an observation.

Presenter: Well, I know one way to find out.

He holds up a device.

Presenter: This device contains a hotline to several people, representing most of the races in the world. You need never be racist again.

Man: What about intentionally?

Presenter: It doesn't actually stop you from being racist, just advises you on what is and isn't racist.

Man: What about anit-semitism?

Presenter: Oh, didn't you hear? That's alright now. It's post-modern and ironic.

Woman: It's about bloody time.

Presenter: Of course it's not alright! Why would it be alright? Why would abusing someone because of something they can't change be alright?

Woman: I just thought -

Presenter: You thought wrong, love.

Man: I'm not marrying a Nazi.

Woman: But, I'm not a-

Presenter: Come on, let's go.

Presenter and Man walk off into the sunset.

So I was thinking that this could be like the end or something of a documentary about race. It could be a bit light-hearted after all the talk about the KKK and things like that.

Friday, 10 October 2008

New Character

Okay, it's a football match. And here is the commentary.

Announcer: And it's Wells coming up the inside, he's taken possesion and - yes - he's kicked the ball into the stands. The ball-boy comes out with another ball, Wells punches the ball-boy and takes the ball and kicks it into the stands.

Second Announcer: This is unheard of in Footballe. He has kicked another ball out of the stadium, and is now returning to his goal.

Announcer: Wait! He's standing up! He's run onto the pitch and taken the ball from the hands of the goalie. He has kicked it into the stands.

Second Announcer: He's being lead away by the Police.

Announcer: He's broken free! He's running to the top of the stadium, I don't believe this Wells is pulling a sniper rifle.

Second Announcer: For those just joining us, Wells is at the top of the stands and has just shot 6 of the last 7 balls in HillSide Stadium.

Announcer: Wells has just dived from the top of the stands and is...Wells is flying like Superman.

Second Announcer: Perhaps more like the Green Lantern.

Announcer: Or Captain Marvel?

Second Announcer: Whoever he's like, Wells has just kicked the last ball out of the stadium.

Announcer: This will go down in Footballe history.

Second Announcer: Wells has just saluted the stadium and flown to the moon.

Announcer: I am naming my child Wells. He is so awesome.

I love this sketch idea.

Sunday, 5 October 2008

A case to "crack"

It's purple splodge again!

Opening Shot. A masked figure kills Yellow.

Yellow: Aaaaaahhhhhhh! [dies]

Enter Purple. Pops up from side of screen.

Purple: I guess she's been "killed"

Opening Credits and things. Music by "The Who".

Purple: I know it was you, Green!

Green: I'm not even real. I'm one of your hallucinations!

Red: She's right, purple. It can't have been either of us, we're figments of your imagination.

Purple: Oh yeah.

Purple Detective Office

Purple: If it wasn't them, then who was it.


Purple: I want money for drugs. Maybe if I kill Yellow, I can take her money.

End of Flashback.

Purple: Cool, I'm a murderer.

The preceding script is likely to win a BAFTA.

Wednesday, 1 October 2008


Neato - the new gameshow from Japan. Pick out which item is "Neato", to win "Neato".

Monday, 29 September 2008

It's Thimble

Voiceover: Hello Thimble!

Thimble waves.

Voiceover: What's Thimble got today, children? Is it another of his magical sweets?

Thimble shakes his head.

Voiceover: Has Thimble got a train set?

Thimble shakes his head.

Voiceover: Is it Thimble's pet puppy?

Thimble slowly shakes his head, and draws a gun from his pocket. He just as slowly pulls the gun to his own head and pulls the trigger.

Voiceover: Thimble? THIMBLE?! He was so young kids. So damn young! (Begins to weep)

Cbeebies ident: And that's it for another exciting episode of Thimble. Next time, Thimble tackles Abortion, how it sometimes fails and why mummy cries when she looks at you.

Happy Bedtimes, children!

The Good Proffessor Has News


Am taking a break from treasure hunting to bring you an important update. My nemesis has found my artwork, the two headed poem, and intends to blackmail me. I think it would be best if you could track down the piece and secure its safety.


Games to be Played

It's a very simple mind game to be played with a friend. Obviously, like most mind games don't tell the person you're playing it with that you're playing.

Here are the rules. Try to get your friend to say the word "what". Time yourself doing so. Obviously the quicker the time, the better you are at the game. If your friend finds out you are playing, they will probably try to play with you and get you to say it. This is one of the many joys of the game.

Sketch Idea

Anthropomorphised keyboard. Get's typed on. The Keyboard is like the estate and the keys are like individual characters, so the space bar could be a slut or something, because she always gets touched? I don't know, man, I just come up with the ideas.

Peace out, home dawgs.

New Sketch Idea

Yo, homeboyz! It's Grand da hud!

I be turning dis old crack-den into a well bling whore house, holmes.

Alright, I can't do the way they talk, but if I do turn this into a proper script-idea, then I'll hire some gang-member to write it for me.

You know, because of all the bling I have in my house.

Bitey McBiterson

In he strolls, a pistol in his holster, a knife on his belt. He walks up to the counter and orders.

"Three gobstoppers, bitte." He orders with a slight German accent. The woman at the counter gasps. None have survived three, her eyes seem to say.

He takes his gobstoppers from the counter and then, in front of everyone, places each one carefully into his mouth. He chews each in a matter of seconds, without the slightest pain in his jaw. He slowly walks out of the Sweet Shop Saloon and glances around before remounting his horse.

These are the adventures of Baron von Iron Jaw. The new series this Autumn on BBC2.

More City Names

Community Village - We have fooled you, technically this is a town.

Corporations - We're so evil.

Looooove Centre - Ain't no party that we ain't at.

When snails attack! Chairs! In Newark!

It's a riveting tale of snails attacking chairs in Newark. Laugh and cry along with Jeremy (the host) and you'll learn what real friendship is.

The Trial of Doctor Xeborc

Judge: Doctor Xeborc, you are charged with having a silly name. How do you plead?

Xeborc: Guilty, your majesty.

Judge: I sentence you to 10 years of getting disability benefits.

Xeborc: Oh. How horrible.

Xeborc is pleased at this news, because he intends to keep his current job as a marketing executive.

Xeborc is an evil genius. Emphasis on the evil.

Sunday, 28 September 2008

Names for the City

Felt Town - Where everything is made of felt, except for the things in Felt Town.

Rustle City - Oooooooooh. I'm embarrassed.

InApr0priaTelY CapItalIsED CIty - It's aMazINg.

These are all ideas for the sketch show city name. Maybe the name could change? I don't know.

Yet Another Character

Standford. He stands alone.

Seriously, he wears a trenchcoat, sunglasses and a trilby hat. He stands under lamposts and phones people up. And tells them about himself.

There's a dark truth to Standford. He really does stand alone. Until he meets his new girlfriend, Cheryl. She completes him, and he no longer stands alone.

Also, before he meets Cheryl, he sometimes follows random people just to scare them.

Characters Galore

It's a superhero who is a Bat, but also a platypus. I know, it actually hurt my brain how awesome this idea is. He has all the powers of a bat, and all the powers of a platypus.

GoblinTron. He isn't a superhero, but is a villain, Batypus's nemesis. He is a Goblin, who had an accident, and now his entire left side is robotic. He has an evil claw and a goblin hand. He has a small crime empire based in the town.

Another gang of supervillains, the Bungees. They bungee-jump around, into banks and things and steal stuff.

That's the main gang. Perhaps I'll add more. I don't think Powerful Man comes into this.


Powerful Man!

He flies in as a superhero, only to be taken hostage. On Earth, he is the most powerful superhero, with one horrible weakness. Aluminium, which happens to be the most common material in the earth's crust. So, terrorists constantly threaten to destroy him and take away Earth's only protector.

Powerful Man flies in.

Powerful: I have come to save everyone in this building, and arrest you terrorists.

Terrorist: I've got an aluminium can.

Powerful: Again? How do you people know about my weakness?

Terrorist: The adverts on telly.

Cuts to the adverts.

Man: Are you tired of being captured by Powerful Man?

Villain: Uhuh.

Man: Do you wish you could just strip him of his powers?

Villain: Sure do.

Man: Well now you can, with Aluminium!

Villain: Wow, Kevin, that's great!  And are you sure Aluminium, really works?

Man: Yes I am and if you're not satisfied you can always write to us.

Villain: But if it doesn't work, won't Powerful Man just have killed me?

Voicover: Aluminium! It really works. Paid for by Aluminium Mining corp.

Advert ends.

Powerful: I really hope they run out of money.

He is hit on the head by an aluminium bar.

I can really see this character taking off. Not only does it showcase my own fear of aluminum, it lets everyone know about the dangers of advertisement.

New Idea

Two words.

Banana Mayor.

Let it soak in. I know, I know. I may have just blown your minds, but hang in there. Because I'm about to blow them even further. The entire cabinet is made of various types of fruit.

Apple Councillor for Transport.

Pear Councilor for Business.

And so on with other fruit and positions in government. It's good.

Purple Splodge

It's a sunday afternoon. You're sitting down. What do you want? Some sort of action gun-fight film? A hardcore pornography session? No. You want a nice comforting puppet show, and with Purple Splodge and co, that's what you get. Take a look at the pilot.

Purple: Hey, green and red, I just came back from doing heroine.

Green: That's great, purple.

Red: Yeah, me and green totally support your heroine addiction.

It turns out that Red and Green are hallucinations caused by Purple's drug use and latent schizophrenia.

Purple: I guess that's life.

And that will be broadcast at 4:15 pm on BBC One and then again at 5:30 am on BBC 4. For the clubbing crowd.

Saturday, 27 September 2008 get out!

Ok, if you're reading this and you aren't me, I'd quite like you to leave. This is just a place for me to post my ideas, and I don't need other people reading them. Get out please.

Ideas begin now.

A new game that doesn't have a name yet, where you watch cars go past and work out where they're going and why.

A cartoon series about a foot surgeon called "Dr Feet". This is not a good idea.

Ideas end.