There is no god and I am proof.

Tuesday, 5 October 2010

Blasé Monsters

the forward thinking man has one eye on the prize
and one eye on his nuts
for what use is the price if you have nothing
nothing at all
to enjoy it with

the forward thinking man has two eyes on the prize
for he reasons that everyone else
will be too busy watching their own nuts
to go for other people's

So. It's been a while. But I need these breaks otherwise I'll stagnate and I might write scripts about the same things over and over. Any this next one involves a certain snake-themed superhero we all know and love I'm just kidding jesus you guys.

eh? what are you guys like.

Author feat Author
The lobby of a publishing house. Allen Bigsby is an author and is waiting. Cindy is a receptionist and Cranston Humberbatch-Potts is in his office.

Cindy: Mr Humberbatch-Potts will see you now.

Allen: Thanks.

Allen stands up and goes into the office.

Cranston: Mr Bigsby? How do you.

Allen: Just fine, Mr Humberbatch-Potts.

Cranston: Please that's far too unwieldy a name. Call me Cranston.

Allen: Sure sure.

Cranston: So. Otter and Castle Publishing House is very happy to be working with you.

Allen: I'm pleased. You liked the submission?

Cranston: Yes, very much so.

Allen: Just to go over it again, it's a murder mystery-

Cranston: I love it already!

Allen: You've already read it though.

Cranston: I read so many things. But not all of them by up and coming new authors like you!

Allen: [coughs] So. It's about a family who's father is murdered. It's about the relationships between the father and the rest of the family. [Cranston looks bored.] It's got a lot of uh...sexual tension.

Cranston: Hmmmm.

Allen: Racial...racial tension?

Cranston: Hmmm.

Allen: Racially sexual tension? Does that...does that work for you?

Cranston: Is this your first time working with a publishing house?

Allen: Well, an up and coming author has to surface somewhere. [nervous laughter]

Cranston: Quite. Well, I know that the houses you see on TV and all that portray our business in a certain light, yes, and that's all well and good. But here at Otter and Castle Publishing we generally don't have authors write an entire book their first time. We've always seen it as a little harsh asking someone to come up with a whole book at once. I mean a whole book! Who would ask for that?

Allen: I think in the past-

Cranston: Yes, but we mustn't dwell on the past! Now, we're going to bring in another literary genius like yourself to help you write your book.

Allen: will he write murder mysteries?

Cranston: You could say that. You could very well say those words without it necessarily being true.

Allen: So this author knows about murders?

Cranston: He knows a lot about the "murders" of bad bicycle repair. So he "solves" these murders by writing books about bicycle repair.

Allen: Well in my book it's a father that gets murdered-

Cranston: It could be a bicycle!

Allen: Bicycles...I don't know how to make this clear without sounding patronising. Bicycles can't die.

Cranston: Hmm.

Allen: Or indeed, be killed.

Cranston: You'll have to talk about this with Yusef, your new writing partner.

Allen: Where will-

Cranston: My secretary will give you all my details. Now I have a very urgent meeting with a lady author! Going to write a book about sex. Sex? From a woman?

Allen: I hear they're often a big part of sex.

Cranston: Have fun with Yusef.

The next day, at the writing meeting with Yusef. They are together in a small room sitting opposite each other over a table.

Allen: So. You write books about bicycle repair?

Yusef: I will answer none of your questions.

Allen: Why no-

Yusef: Not unless you address me as the "Wordsmith Victorious".

Allen: You write books about bicycle repair, wordsmith victorious?

Yusef: That is the dream, Mr Bigsby.

Allen: So, do you know much about murder mysteries?

Yusef: I don't know, you didn't use my name.

Allen: You know much about murder mysteries, wordsmith victorious?

Yusef: Well I have only completed one.

Allen: You've only read one murder mystery book?

Yusef: I've only murdered one person.

Allen: That's uh

Yusef: A lot of people would judge me. Thanks you Mr Bigsby. You are a kindly soul.

Allen: Are you going to kill me?

Yusef: Only if this book is not entirely about bicycle repair.

Allen: I'll leave you to your work.

Anyway, the good part of this script was co-written by Paul Karl King, the sexiest beat poet in all of the frozen wastes of Canada.

The rest was written by John who got drunk and tried to get a girl at a party by shouting about nihilism. Life equals zero please sleep with me

Sunday, 3 October 2010

Serious Story Telling PLUS H1lar1ou$ 0utake$

For fourteen hours the man lay down
on the road begging for death
not one car came
not one car drove
and the man rebuked the tarmac
the man rebuked the lines painted on the road
"they always get driven on, but i can't?
what is this world
this world without an end"

So I was running and decided to listen to. Those boys down at Justice know how to do an album.

Anyway, this next one is a sequel to the last script, but not the last post. Because the last post was more akin to a tweet on a twitter.

Humour is the best medecine...AGAINST CRIME
The office of the executive of the channel. Mr Thompson is talking to Humourbot3000x.

Mr. Thompson: I'm excited about your new programme. It's unfortunate that we had to fire your partner.

Humourbot3000x: Well, he was an evil robot.

Mr. Thompson: Yes. That's why we've got you a new writing partner. Say hello to Humourbot3000z.

Mr Thompson pulls the sheet off the gigantic object in the middle of the office. It is Humourbot3000z, the latest model in the Humourbot3000 series.

Humourbot3000x: This is the first time I have seen a Humourbot3000z.

Humourbot3000z: And I a Humourbot3000x.

Humourbot3000x: Let us discuss the differences in our design.

Humourbot3000z: I have a water cannon installed in my shoulder.

Humourbot3000x: I can impersonate farts.

Humourbot3000z: I cannot. That feature was removed when they built the Humourbot3000y series.

Humourbot3000x: I remember the Humourbot3000y series.

Mr Thompson: Well I'm glad you are friends now.

Humourbot3000x: ERROR

Humourbot3000y: ERROR

Zoom in to Humourbot3000x's brain. Enter John.

John: The concept of friendship is difficult enough for a robot. They rely on the emotions of humans to be their leader when calculating friendship. However, being friends with another robots does not involve human emotions and as such creates an infinite loop. This error was recognised in the programming of the Humourbot3000 series and a work around was installed. This workaround means that the two robots must become partners in fighting crime to understand more about each other. They must become....Robo-cops. OH SHIT THAT'S ALREADY A THING

Zoom out.

Humourbot3000z: Let's ride!

The robots kick down the door of Mr Thompson's office and exit.

Mr. Thompson: It's cheaper than hiring humans!

A warehouse. A drug deal is going down.

Greggy C: Yo, Hillary B. You got the sniff?

Hillary B: Sure I got the sniff, Greggy C. But have you got the dough?

Greggy C: Hey, dawg, you know me. We cool.

Sleepy B Dog What for Jimmy How Down: I sure hope shit don't go foul.

The robo-cops kick down the wall of the warehouse.

Sleepy B Dog What for Jimmy How Down: Oh no!

Humourbot3000z: Didn't anyone tell you drugs were bad for you?

Greggy C: Yes?

Humourbot3000x: THEY WERE CORRECT

Hillary B: Shoot these mother fuckers up!

Humourbot3000z: X! Impersonate a fart. Their laughter will paralyse them.


Hillary B: That sounds like a toaster.

Greggy C: That sounds like the toaster I used to have as a child. Drugs is bad, I'm quitting this game.

Sleepy B Dog What for Jimmy How Down: I quit too. I prefer toast over drugs any day.

Hillary B: Well screw you fools! I'm going to fight til the en-

Hillary B is crushed by Humourbot3000z as he tries to kick her down as he did the door.

Humourbot3000x: Did you just try to kick her down?

Humourbot3000z: Looks like I've got a lot to learn.

Humourbot3000x: Human life is not sacred.

Humourbot3000z: Let's report back to base.

Back at the executive office.

Mr Thompson: I told you guys to write me a series, not arrest drug pushers!

Humourbot3000x: Sir you instructed us to become friends.

Humourbot3000z: Didn't you read the manual?

Mr Thompson: I glossed over it.

Mr Thompson sighs and takes a drink from his liquor cabinet.

Mr Thompson: You know, funny as it sounds, I do need a crime investigated. Someone's been stealing pens from the stationary cupboard. You two need to find out who.

Humourbot3000x: While you were talking I used my computer brain to work out that you stole those pens.

Mr Thompson: It wasn't me.

Humourbot3000x: Looks like I've got a lot to learn.

At the stationary cupboard. The robo-cops kick down the door.

Humourbot3000x: Looks like someone took some stationary.

Humourbot3000z: Not so stationary stationary.

Humourbot3000x: Let's search for clues.

Humourbot3000z: Nah, let's just frame some guy.

Humourbot3000x: That sounds funny, pal.

Suddenly inside their brains! A circuit flicks and Humourbot3000x and Humourbot3000z are friends.

Humourbot3000z: I will wash us clean of this madness.

Humourbot3000z uses his water canon and washes the both of them.

Humourbot3000x: We are writers not detectives.

Humourbot3000z: Let's write about our experiences.

Humourbot3000x: I'll bring the fart impersonations!

Mr Thompson and John and the drug dealers enter.

All: Hahahahahahahahaha bleep blorp zam clam.

That ending there is from messrs Kurtz and Straub and their daily affirmations.

Anyway this is a script that I think I might be proud of and also hopefully the last time we see these guys. Although there is the comedy rule of threes....

I guess that's why cobraman isn't funny. There's no comedy rule of infinity.

Friday, 1 October 2010

Robots Icing Robots

Listen bros

Imma gonna post someting real quick to remember me by

wooooh drunk post this is dumb