There is no god and I am proof.

Thursday, 30 September 2010

This is How the World Ends, Not with a bang but with a giggle

long time ago there was a man
and the man had a secret
a secret so sharp
it cut anyone who heard it

he told only the people that he loved
and only hurt those closest to him
until he stopped telling his loved ones the secret
which hurt them emotionally

You guys, I'm thinking about buying a peacock. £45 for an indian blue, that's a pretty good deal. I will name him Hermes and he will be the pimpingest pet of all.

Anyway, today we're putting that realism shit to bet and we're doing one about robots.

Electric Laughter
Two men sit in a small office. Jerry and Richard are executives.

Jerry: So I hired these two writers.

Richard: Are we still talking about the comedy show?

Jerry: Yeah. Anyway, this is the first time I've hired writers without meeting them in person.

Richard: Are you sure that's wise? They're going to perform on TV.

Jerry: Their stuff was so good, we've just got to let them perform. Anyway, Dave said they were real funny in person.

Richard: Okay, I trust Dave.

Jerry: Oh man, when we meet these guys we should fuck with their heads. Speak in french or something.

Richard: That's funny, Jerry. Alright, we'll pretend we're french when we meet them. When are we meeting them?

Jerry: On Thursday.

Richard: Guess I'm gonna bone up on my french then.

Jerry: Rich.

Richard: What?

Jerry: You said bone.

Richard: Yeah, it's a word.

Jerry: I know.

Jerry pats Richard on the head. SUBTLY

Jerry: I know.


Jerry: You ready?

Richard: Mai oui!

Jerry opens the door.

Jerry: Bonjour!

Enter Humourtron 3000x and Humourtron 3000y

Humourtron 3000x: Language identified: french.

Humourtron 3000y: Bonjour. Il est agréable de vous rencontrer. Nous sommes enthousiasmés par cette opportunité.

Humourtron 3000x: Quand pouvons-nous commencer à discuter de vos plans pour le spectacle de comédie?

Jerry: Oui?


Humourtron 3000y: English resumed.


Humourtron 3000x: We are the final product of a programme to create a robot with the greatest sense of humour.

Humourtron 3000y: Witness my colleague's impersonation of a fart.


Richard: You sound like a toaster.

Humourtron 3000y: Therein lies the humour.

Jerry: This is so fucking stupid.

Humourtron 3000x: Perhaps you would enjoy another impersonation.

Richard: Of what a fart?

Humourtron 3000x: Fart selected. BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Jerry: Maybe they could be in a sketch about robots.


Richard: This is awful. This is so awful.


Jerry: Man that fart impression is pretty funny.

Humourtron 3000y: I wish I had that skill.

Jerry: Why don't you?

Humourtron 3000y: Fart impersonation requires a pure soul. Evil robots cannot impersonate farts.

Richard: Wait what-

Humourtron 3000y murders everyone.

There are two ways to end a sketch satisfyingly. Love or violence. Recently I have been choosing violence because I don't want to go back to making everybody gay.


not that there's anything wrong with that

Sunday, 26 September 2010

I want to beat April but I can't

a little boy found a knife one day
he took it everywhere with him
he loved that knife

he took it to the park
he took it on the the train
he even took it to school

then one day some fool tried to step up
so the boy slashed that poor fucker in the face
but it was okay because minors can't be charged for crimes

moral: if you're young stab people

So I was on my run thinking of ideas for the script. Anyway, I thought of this great one about a superhero. Basically he had all the powers of a snake and I thought of all these adventures. Ten minutes later after I've planned out how he gets his powers and stuff, I remember Cobra Man.


Anyway this next one is set on a train.

Tracking Device
A train. Stephen and Helen are strangers sitting opposite one another.

Stephen: Hello!


Stephen: What why?

Helen: Because I am a woman and will get mad at anything.

Stephen: Those women eh?

Stephen is correct.

Helen: I don't want to sit here opposite you, rape-pig.

Stephen: Bloody women. All the same!

Helen: You are an oppressor!

Stephen: Learn to drive.

Helen stands up but forgets to take her bag.

Guard: We have arrived at Stoke. Passengers change here for trains towards Norfolk and the Butlins area.

Helen leaves the train.

Helen: I have a pressing engagement in Stoke.

Guard: Oh really? Where?

Helen: I am not an object!


Back on the train.

Stephen: That lovely young lady left her bag.

A beeping noise starts to come from the bag.

Stephen: I better investigate that beeping noise.

Stephen proceeds to stick his head in the bag and jerk it around a lot. He comes away disappointed and throws it on the floor in disgust.


Jason: Why are you shouting person I do not know?

Stephen: This unattended luggage is making a beeping sound.

Jason: Here, let me help stamp on it. I know, I'll get out my wire cutters. Start cutting around.

As Jason turns his back to find the wire cutters, Stephen uses the window of opportunity to run away.

Jason: Oh great, my day keeps getting better!

Flashback. Jason is in his kitchen eating cereal.

Jason: I didn't put enough milk on this.

Back to the train, Jason hangs himself. And the bag goes on a mysterious journey, until it ends up in an MI5 base.

Mr Green: Who do you work for?

Mr Treat: You don't have to say anything.

Mr Green: Why...why are you undermining me?


Mr Green: Was that a confession?!

Mr Treat: God, probably.


Mr Green: You know what? I don't care about confessions any more. I just want respect.

Mr Treat: Yeah? Well I don't care look I pulled the bag apart, there's a smaller bag inside.

Mr Green: And inside that a larger bag!

Mr Treat: And inside that the smaller bag again!

Later at MI5 base.

Mr Green: And that's why we think this bag could stop the war on terror.

General Hilford: That's stupid you're fired.

Mr Green: What about our idea of putting some Friends boxsets in the bag and giving them to Al Qaeda?

General Hilford: You're double-fired.

Mr Treat: Hooray! We've been promoted!

I guess we learned a lot about ourselves on the journey. I think I need a break from these.

They're just, they're getting difficult.

Monday, 20 September 2010

Sometimes If You Want to Have a Son You Need to Get On Your Knees

oh pain! that ghastly screech
yet these creatures call it speech
filled with hate and lust and pain
the creature is man. they're all insane

their hide shines in unearthly colour
their faces a nasty human sheen
beneath that awful wasty pallor
lurks a soul that's more unclean

I wrote this in Further Maths and during a seminar about writing personal statements. There were illustrations, but they were stick men and not very good.

I fear I may have been watching too many bad american stand up comedians.

The Uncharted Rise of Larry Charlton
Larry Charlton and Stevie "Gold" Weinstein are backstage, in a small room.

Stevie: Are you feeling okay, Larry? You are a famous comedian after all.

Larry: I feel just fine, Gold, my manager.

Stevie: Well okay then. It's a few minutes until you go on.

Larry: I think I'd like to reminisce about how I got to this point in my life.

Stevie: Sounds like a good idea Larry.

The screen fades and we see a younger Larry Charlton, on stage performing his stand up comedy.

Audience's laughter.

Larry: And what's up with all these rich mother fuckers driving around in big fucking cars? You been eating too much rich food, rich guy? Stuffing that caviar down yo throat, mother fucker?

Audience's laughter.

Larry: That's why you need that big fucking car, you don't ever have to quit yo guzzlin'/

Audience's laughter.

Larry: And what's up with all those mother fuckers being fucking dumb shits in their cars? Cutting you off and fucking all else. This guy knows what I'm talking about, this guy right here. Take a driving lesson you stupid mother fucker! Learn to drive!

Audience's laughter.

Larry: You know when you banging bitches, yeah you gotta put yo dick right in them. Yeah, this mother fucker down here, he gets it. Yeha, so you're banging one of them then bitch over here, bitch over here starts yelling 'bout how she feels, she feels "neglected" or some shit. Boys, bitches think you a mother fucker whatEVER you do.

Audience's laughter.

Larry: Yeah, yeah. Thanks everybody, you a real bunch of cool moterfuckers.

Fade to black.

Larry's voice offscreen: And then of course there were the movies.

A trailer for a family comedy film.

Narrator: Kenny C was the best at shooting his gat in the hood.

Larry: Shit boyee, you got crackadizzle or what? Do I have to pull out my AK?

Narrator: But all that changed when he got offered a new job.

Larry: You want me to be a teacher?

Record scratch.

Narrator: Now he'll have to shoot a different ammo. Knowledge.

Larry is at the front of the classroom.

Larry: My name's Kenny C, but you guys can call me Mr Teach!

Tiffany: Shit, Mr Teach, we ain't never had a teacher we can relate to so well.

Larry: It's 'cause I'm a brother.

Narrator: This Summer. D is for Da Hood.

Fade to Black.

Larry offscreen: That was my last movie, after the phenomenally successful, Bear in the Hood and A Harlem Woman. I decided to settle down and have a family.

Larry's manager's office.

Gold: Larry, you've been very successful. I just want to discuss some work-

Larry: No, Gold. I've retired to spend time with my kids.

Gold: Well that's just it, Larry. When you signed with me, you signed this contract that means after your first born reaches the age of fifteen, you must become a satanist.

Larry: That's all kinds of fucked up.

Gold: That's the way us satanists/jews work.

Larry: NOOOOOOOOO, okay I'll do it.

Fade to black. Then we are back where we started, backstage.

Larry: I guess that takes us up to now.

Gold: We've come a long way together.

Larry: Not many people have seen a career like I have.

Gold: You're on, kid.

Larry stumbles onto the stage. It is at the front in front of a lot of people wearing black robes.

Larry: Large crowd, huh? Okay, uh. I love....I love Satan/

Man: You're shit!

Man2: Yeah, you're the worst satanist!

Larry: Hey cool off mother fucker this is my first time.

Man2: Didn't you use to be famous or some shit? If so I have lost all respect I held for you.

Man: Yeah.

Larry: Wait a second, I was famous. I could those old skill that I once knew in the past that is behind me.

Larry adopts his stand up stance.

Larry: You know when you're driving yo car in the road, and there's some dumb shit jesus sheep driving all slow.

Audience's laughter.

Larry: Yeah, this guy down here, this mother fucker down here, he gets it. He knows what I'm talking about. You're all get out of the way, mother fucker! I'm trying to drive and you're worshipping an oppressor god! Get some driving lessons!

Audience's laughter.

Larry: And worship the true prince of Truth. Yeah those dumb mother fuckers really get on my nerves. You know what most gets on my nerves, though? Those fucking tiny packets of ketchup you get in those NASty diners you see. They're a real mother fucker to get open and when you do there's nothing fucking in 'em.

Audience's laughter.

Larry: Yeah, this mother fucker right here, this mother fucker gets it. Anyway, we've all had a great time tonight, but the real reason we're here is our lord Lucifer. So here's High Priest Archaeon with the real message of tonight.

Larry goes backstage.

Larry: How was it?

Gold: You did good Larry. You did good.

I heard if you say this script three times into a mirror I appear and demand sexual satisfaction. I mean I'm not very strong, so you probably won't have to acquiesce, but I will insist. Note: this may also happen if you do not read the script three times into a mirror.

Jesse, you done gone fucked up yesterday. We were supposed to podcast? If you forgot I guess that's okay, only other explanation I can think of is that you thought I meant Sunday the 26th. That's what I mean now. That's when we're doing it. At 12pm your time.

Anyway minecraft eh? I was chased down a mine I had dug to the depths of the earth by a skellington waiting at the top when I surfaced. It was v. scary.

Friday, 17 September 2010

I tell you this time he's dead for real

I close my eyes
take to me bed
all truth is lies
I wake up dead

death is the end of conscious grow
sleep is the end of conscious flow
I plant my roots and every day
the plant is replaced and taken away

Seriously though, I can't decide if when I go to sleep I die. How would I know? I only have memories of my life before, but they're chemical. If you transferred my memories to a computer and then it awoke it would be the same and I could have died.

Oh no. Anyway this next one is about everyone's favourite character - Cobra man! I know you love him and that's why I keep bringing him back. Not because I find the very idea of him erotic. 'Cause that's disgusting or something.

Yeah it's wrong. It's naughty to be turned on by Cobra man.

He's On A Boat
Cobra man is on a ferry going on his holidays. He comes up to restaurant.

Lahillus: Hello sir. If you'd like to step this way. I assume you've brought your meal ticket.

Cobra man: I'm wearing it!

Lahillus: Ah. You must be the costume competition winner.

Cobra man: Right you are. I can't wait to pick whatever I'm going to eat. But oh! What a decision, for to pick one thing is lose out on another.

Lahillus: Actually this is an open buffet-


Lahillus: Isn't that pythons?

Cobra man: When I took up the mantel of cobra man I was not fortunate enough to be bitten by a radioactive cobra.

Lahillus: Some people might say that you were fortunate in that, sir.

Cobra man: Instead I have trained my entire adult life in the jungles of South America, waiting for the opportunity to save the day.

Lahillus: So you don't have like a secret identity?

Cobra man: No. Anyway I am busy eating.

Later Cobra man has eaten a lot.

Cobra man: Now I must rest for 4 days.

Head Waiter: You're disembarking now.

Cobra man shrieks and his mask comes off. He instantly transforms into mild-mannered teen Freeman Hadley.

Freeman: I guess it is time to disembark. I am not full as it was cobra man who ate everything yesterday.

Head Waiter: Why-

Freeman: As a child I was beaten a lot.

Head Waiter: That's terrible.

Freeman: Yes, beaten at snap. I have not the brain for strategic thinking.

Head Waiter: Snap's a reactions game. Anyway I have to get back to my wenches.

Freeman: Ah the sailor's life. Uh I feel odd. Not as if I am about to puke though.

Mild mannered teen Freeman Hadley puts something on his face and then he disappears! In his place stands Cobra man, throwing up all over the floor.

Cobra man: I ate a lot!

Suddenly the boat lurches to one side.

Captain: We've hit an ice berg.

Cobra man: AHHHHHHHH

Captain: Why don't you use your powers to save us Cobra man?

Cobra man: Yes! I shall slither stealthily away and alert the relevant authorities.

Captain: Thank you Cobra man. Here is some gold out of my treasure as a pre-emptive thanks.

Cobra man: Gold is always welcome. I will also accept gold from any passengers who wish to live.

Henry: I'm rich! That means I should live!

Cobra man: Congratulations!

Anyway cobra man dies or something.

Is it laziness that makes me kill off my characters and bring them back as different people? Or is that only I recognise the true beauty in the repeated motif of death and ressurec it's laziness.

But! Here is a message for Fenghar, assuming he reads this which he will. Fenghar, I formally invite you to join me in a recorded skype conversation between your good self and yours truly for the benefit of the english language and all mankind in general on the morning of Sunday the 19th September, at 5 pm GMT.

Sarah, you can post a comment about how sexy I am if you want, or you can send me a quick email with references to my bod. THIS ISN'T SEXISM

Secrets of Marketing

I think I'll take take take a pill
With a glass of water I will will will
Goodbye to pain pain pain drugs are rad
Kill my mother and fuck fuck my dad

See my limey ears glow
Feel the sick flow
Feel the grass grow
Feel the people in tow
Let go.

Soooo been a while I guess. I've been busy and stuff. How've you been I don't care.

Anyway I have so little in my life that I feel like discussing it also it's late so let's just script. Also this one is set in an advertising office! I know, what originality. I don't know where I have this infinite source of settings. I didn't know there was room in the old skull, but apparently so.

Unpaid Tribute
An advertising agency board room. Steve is at the front, talking to his team.

Steve: So you've got to think for yourselves! Don't blindly follow whatever goon is on TV telling you what to do.

Frank: But we work in advertising?

Steve: Still? Jesus.

Enter Lisa.

Lisa: Just got a call from HawksCo. They want their ad to have testimonies in.

Steve: Oy vey, always with the testimonies!

Lisa: Oh, are you jewish?

Steve: No, I just control the media. ARE YOU STUPID OF COURSE I'M JEWISH

Lisa: Man, if you weren't jewish and had just said or written that-

Frank: Written? He said it.

Geoff: [Chipping in] With his mouth!

Lisa: Well it would be offensive.

Mertin: Hey! I used to be a jew.

Steve: You know what, testimonies are bullllllllshit. They're always done with actors or something.

Lisa: HawksCo specifically want actors.

Steve: I guess they can't handle Mr Steve.

Steve points to himself and gestures to his crotch. He then performs a short, but obscene, dance.

Steve: Steeeeeeeeve doesn't care about anyone in this business. Not in the business of ads not in the business of sexy dances.

Frank: Is this like the navy? Do we have to obey his orders and stuff.

Geoff: [Chipping in] Did you used to be in the navy? SO KAWAII

Frank: OMG

Lisa: [Just like a woman] SO KAWAII

Frank: Shut up Lisa

Lisa: Let me in, Frank.

Steve: Enough! Let's go out and get real people's opinions on the trouser fork, not some stupid actor.

Mertin: Hey! I used to be an actor.

Steve: Shut up, Mertin. You were probably only written in just now and then inserted before so that your line would seem like a callback.

Mertin: Hey! I used to be a callback?

Steve: No you didn't.

Later, some members of the public are introduced to the trouser fork, from HawksCo. Bringing you the best in garment related cutlery and working birds.

Steve: So, you put your ASS in the prongs of the fork. It helps you put on trouser that wouldn't normally fit you. Like a shoe horn for pants.

Henry: Oh, like my donkey?

Steve: No your butt.

Henry: Like the end of my rifle?

Steve: No your poo-maker.

Henry: My poo-maker would technically be my colon.

Steve: It's like a shoe horn for pants.

Henry: Ohhhhh.

Gemma: How do I put my rifle in this thing?

Steve: It's like a shoe horn.

Gemma: Ohhhhh. Where are my shoes.

Steve: It's a shoe horn for pants.

Gemma: But I'm wearing my wedding dress!

Steve: Then how's for pants.

Gemma: But I'm not wearing pants.

Steve: You know what this'll probably be enough for the advert.

Later in the board room, Steve is showing the advert that they made.

Steve: Now normally, we wouldn't make the advert without getting you to sign on first.

Mr.Green: Yeah...

Steve: So here it is!

Advert begins.

Gemma: But I'm wearing a wedding dress!

Steve: It's like a shoe horn.

Henry: Like the end of my rifle?

Steve: For pants.

Enter a gorilla who does the moonwalk. Except people don't notice this.

Henry: Like my donkey?

Steve: No, your poo-maker.

Gemma: I'm not wearing pants!

Steve: For pants.

HawksCo. The best in pants technology. End of advert.

Mr.Green: Much good fortune for you.

Steve: Twist was they were japanese where everything is backwards,

Mr.Green: Ching Chong!

Oh god I am such a horrible racist. If I am ever falsely accused of a hate crime the evidence is right here.

You know what I may be falsely accused of a specific hate crime, but I am definitely guilty of a hate crime and this it it.

Wednesday, 8 September 2010

All up in your face, I'm just saying grace

Leaf green, House of Flies
I do not believe your lies
Every day is when I strive
Beat my heart to stay alive

And if conscious thought departs
Is this death?
And to sleep is to pierce the veil.

Okay, yesterday it was raining, so I didn't go for a run so I didn't type up a script because it was time for bed. Anyway I been thinking lately about whether I am a boy or a man. I have decided man and that I started feeling that way when I realised there wasn't a god. In that moment eternity was snatched away from me and manhood given in its place.


Iron Cross? Iron filings more like
A shadowy meeting room.

Janus: So you've installed the magnets?

Protha: Indeed we have.

Janus: Then we are ready for Operation Forced Acknowledgement.

Present day. Not that just then wasn't the present day. All of this.

All of it is the present day. Anyway we're at a mayoral debate.

Heather: help those least fortunate amongst us.


Garett: My opponent has been incredibly eloquent in her defense of her DISGUSTING policies.

Heather: I'm sure, Garett. Move aside, I am the mayor. There is nothing you can do.

Garett: Oh no? [into lapel] Activate magnets!

Heather's arm goes into a nazi salute.

Garett: Looks like your beloved would-be-mayor is a nazi!


Man: It is always the good who are corrupted by the disease of anti-semitism.

Heather: I'm not a racist.

Garett: Your hand disagrees!

Heather: [She starts crying] I love jews!

Garett: Love to kill them!

Man: She's crying! We need to take her side!

Garett: Your crocodile tears won't work on this audience!

Man: She's pretending to cry? I hate her more!

Heather runs away.

Man: We love you, Garett! You aren't a nazi like the rest of the world.

Garett: Yes it's all falling into place!

Man: What?

Garett: Nothing.

Man: That sounded evil what you said just then.

Garett: Could you come here?

The man comes to Garett. Garett shakes his hand and discreetly injects it with a magnet. Man goes back to his seat.

Garett: Activate the magnet!

The man starts to give a nazi salute.

Garett: Look, he's a nazi!

Audience: Gasp! We won't ever doubt you.

later Garett is in his study looking into the mirror.

Garett: No one will know my secret.

He tears off his face to reveal stalin's face.


later at another debate.

Garett: Anyway we all need to be like super-kind to each other.

Opponent: Are you some kind of commie?

Garett: Activate magnets. BOO Nazi!

Opponent: Actually, this is a freedom salute.

Audience cheers.

Garett: fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu-

So a twist ending for our friend Garett. Who knows if he will ever return he won't

he won't ever come back

Monday, 6 September 2010

Fuckin' Poems and Shit

the gobbling men will steal your shadow
and try to give it back
but 'schew their call for all their hate
has made a tiny crack

the man who accepts their gift
has earned his house no wealth
for when he now redons it
he is a gobbling man himself


So anyway. I decided that 8 updates in one day would sour your tastebuds for comedy/IMPORTANT SCRAWLINGS. So here is the deal newfuckers, you get a typed-up script every day and a poem. I hate you people so much. You beautiful people.

Anyway the next 8 updates were written while I had two beers. So enjoy the next 8 days.

Oh yeah, and this next one is almost exactly the same as the last script I published. So that'll be fun.

The Naked Helm
A submarine. Cartright has been called into the chief's office.

Chief Levoir: Cartright, you're a loose cannon!

Cartright: Did I do something illegal?

Chief Levoir: Dammit, Cartright! You know damn well what you did.

Cartright: Well how do you know that I know.

Chief Levoir: Dammit, Cartright!

Cartright: Chief.

Chief Levoir: What is it Cartright?

Cartright: I'm implementing sea-law.

Chief Levoir: Oh shit! Why, Cartright?

Cartright: Because you're one of them!

Chief Levoir: You're damn crazy, Cartright!

Cartright claps his hands on Levoir's head. Levoir's head explodes into blood. It is revealed he is one of the balloon people.

Cartright: I knew he was one of the balloon people.

Later on the bridge.


Sailor: Ohshit

Cartright: Damn right, Sailor.

Glebbins: Sir! I request the right to be the realmsman of sea law.

Cartright: Permission denied.

Glebbins: Why, Cartright?

Cartright claps Glebbins' head with his hands. Glebbins' head explodes.

Cartright: He was a balloon-man.

Sailor: This is why we implemented sea law.

Cartright: Sea law position number one!

Everyone turns with their front facing the walls of the submarine. Cartright points at Yeltser.

Cartright: I think you are a balloon-man.

Yeltser: Try and prove it if you can.

Cartright: Your hands are bloated. Your feet are wide.

Yeltser: I eat pies and sleep on my side.

Cartright: You avoid needles religiously.

Yeltser: I know none who are completely free

Cartright: Of compulsion to avoid all sharp things?

Yeltser: Fang of dog and crown of kings

Cartright: Okay, the sea law clearly states that one who rhymes well cannot be a balloon man.

Yeltser: That's where you're wrong!

Yeltser inflates and soon the submarine is floating on the surface of the sea.

Sailor: This is what the balloon-men do?

Cartright: Yeah, it's really annoying.

Sailor: Why don't you just not let them join the navy?

Cartright: Why don't you just not let them join the navy.

A witty end to a tale that was much more abstract than I remember.