There is no god and I am proof.

Saturday, 19 June 2010


Let's end this pattern of not doing anything for a week, by doing something in just 5 days. Here's something I thought of on Tuesday, which I am posting on Friday. HOWEVER IT IS MUCH MORE.


Anyway I was out running and I saw a rabbit on a construction site. It was brown and I only saw it because it was silhouetted against the horizon and then another one came out and they fought for a bit and I couldn't tell who won because they all look the same.

I'm joking I have so many rabbit friends.

Chasing some hot Tale
A father has his children and some other children that are not his around the fire. It is the past and he is telling stories.

Father: Long ago in the ancient past, when the world was young and made of pain, there was a giant called Hugor.

The screen goes all wavey or whatever and let's zoom into the story.

Hugor: HAHA! Fuck you little people I'm a fucking giant.

Hugor stamps on people because he fucking can.

Hugor: This is fun.

Father: But then the god of fountains spurted out of Hugor's penis.

Fountor: why hello


Fountor: be not afraid


Fountor: i am a god

Hugor: GET OUT

Fountor: you must destroy my enemy, fulthunin

Hugor: Who?

Fountor: this is the problem with large pantheons

Hugor wanders off to stamp on people. Except Fountor is in his cock so how does he do that? THE MAGIC OF TELEVISION.

Fountor: hey

Hugor: Why aren't you gone?

Fountor: fountains are really shit

Hugor: I know.

Father: Then Fountor went on his way. [popping sound]

Hugor walks away to go find funathin or whatever it was.

Hugor: Hey, are you Funathin?

Funathin: No.

Hugor: Wanna get high?

Funathin: Yeahhhhhhhh

Father: Smoke weed evreh day!

So, the high concept for this was that stories used to be really sexual in the past so I've put the rudeness back into fun kids stories.

I just want to be on tv.

Monday, 14 June 2010

It's slobbering time

I ran a lot and it hurt but now I am okay. Also I had a weird dream where I had two dicks and then I cast a spell and they fused together and then turned into steel.

Hello, ladies. This next one is of the superhero variety.

Man and Superman
An ordinary street. Of shops. Normal shops, although for legal reasons all of the shop names are misspelled slightly e.g. H&W; Argus; Berger Kong. Bret looks up at the sky.

Bret: The moon is out.

Indeed it is, Bret.

Bret: This is one mystery I'm determined to get to the bottom of.

Bret winks and gropes an attractive girl on the bum. She slaps him, rightly, and then runs off.

Bret: A sure sign! I shall become a symbol. I shall become Mr Moon!

Gus: That's names stupid!

Bret: Fuck off, Gus!

Gus: How do you know my name?

Bret: What?

Gus: I said. how do you know my name?

Bret: I can't hear you. I'm going home.

I probably should have mentioned that Gus is kind of far away. Anyway, we move to Bret working hard on his costume.

Bret: I shall strike fear into the hearts of criminals everywhere!

Pretty unlikely.

Bret: Shut up!

Pff, whatever man. We see Bret out on the town ready to patrol crime or whatever. I haven't really established his goals. We see some evil-doers.

Bret: Halt, evildoers!

Evildoers: We are victims of society. As undeveloped philosophies of how the world works increase in popularity, criminals are blamed for everything. A barbaric thirst for blood drives the reaction to crime, inadvertently increasing it. Crime starts with the individual; all people are criminals, it is just whether they are on one particular side of the legal line.

Bret: What can I do to help?

Evildoers: Fight for prisons that rehabilitate instead of punish. Help prisoners redeem themselves and give them purpose in life.

Bret: That's not very funny.

Evildoers: The truth isn't funny.

So there we have it. Anyway I'm on the side of punishing criminals harshly, you may have noticed I gave the "rehabilitation" arguments to the criminal. Should have clued you up rightways.

Oh man, also I forgot to mention Bret's costume. It was going to have the arse cut out, so he could poo more easily.

I don't like my name.

Monday, 7 June 2010

cup...cup....Cup.....CUP...CUP...ah fuck it

So I'm out for my run and it is painful today. I was wondering how the weight goes out of me, and I realised: it's through pooing! I don't like that thought at all.

Anyway, I had an idea and here it is. It might be a long one; I had a lot of ideas to put in it.

The Flow of Information
A library. We see a wizard dressed in all blue clothing. He has a long beard.

Hydronicus: Greetings! I am Hydronicus, master of water!

Laura: Shhhh.

Hydronicus: Sorry.

Laura: How can I help you?

Hydronicus: Yesss, these books won't scan at the self-checkout?

Laura: Can I take a look at your card?

Hydronicus: Of course.

Laura scans the card. With a machine, not with like her eyes.

Laura: You've got some fines amounting to over £3. When it gets that high you can't borrow books.

Hydronicus: I...see.

Laura: So, do you want to pay the fines now?

Hydronicus: Oh I'll pay the fines. IN WATER. Drown in knowledge, scum!

Hydronicus recites a spell and all the books turn into cups of water.

Hydronicus: I don't want to get your floor wet. Someone could trip.

Steve: [Interrupting the story] Are you a mentalist?

Laura: That's an offensive term.

Steve: You know what? If you had just told us that a pipe burst, we would have believed you.

Laura: You don't believe me? Come down to the library this afternoon.


Steve: Well you've replaced the books with cups, but I don't see the big deal.

Laura: Drink this.

She hands him a cup. A label on the cup says "Of Mice and Men". Steve drinks nearly all of it.

Steve: Wow! They're going to get a farm. It's going to be okay. There'll be rabbits.

He finishes the drink and starts to cry.

Steve: Why'd Lenny have to die?

Laura: So. I think it's a good way for the library to operate.

Steve: How do you return books?

Library worker Paul and customer, Henry.

Henry: Got a return here.

Paul gets to his knees and cups his hands.

Paul: I'm moving to Spain.

In Spain.

Paul: Turns out my new job is just to get pissed on.

So, some lovely topical humour there. Also: librarians. And I based this on a true story.

Oh shit, yesterday's update should have been called "The Mane Attraction". I'm such a damn sexy, handsome idiot.

Saturday, 5 June 2010

I am Lion hear me roar

Oh man, feel the burn and what not. I just want to run and run and run forever, also my watch is fixed! And my haircut is not as shit as I thought it was!

My life is looking up except for the forthcoming exams. But then! Looking up. I might even go running in the morning even though I wake up and then don't but this time I might. Anyway you all hate this part, but you have to read it because I otherwise you can't get to the sketch. You won't be able to conceptualise it in your minds. Wait, I mean contextualise it. I am such a fuck-up.

Don't Lion Me
BUSINESS SITUATION. Because it is ripe for comedy and also that is how my idea works. A meeting has ended and people walk past James, our hero.

Kevin: Nice work, James.

Frank: Yeah, good one, James.

Jenny: Great lion, James.

James: Thanks, guys.

Herbertson: James! You get in my office right now.

James: [gulp]

Herbertson: Because that was the best damn lion I've ever seen!

James: Thank you, sir.

Herbertson: You'll go far in this business boy.

James: I appreciate the kind words, sir.


James: Your finest hookers, please.

Dr Shiny: May I ask what the occasion is?

James: I sold my first lion today.

Dr Shiny: Boy, you will get the hookers that I only spit on to clean.

James: Yes sir, no way this is going to go badly.

Orgy scene with the hookers. It will be long enough to masturbate to, because I fucking hate it when TV programs show us something sexy but it's not on long enough to do something about it. That was a joke. IT WAS

James: Thanks for that lovely sex, everyone.

Hookers: Yes! It was tops!


Herbertson: James, the lions you've been selling recently aren't very good.

James: There's a downturn-

Herbertson: Don't blow smoke up my ass, James. Don't throw dice at me hoping something'll stick. Don't giggle at my nips until I smile, James. IT AIN'T HAPPENING.

James: There's got to be someone in the lion business I can turn to.

Herbertson: I am the lion business!

James: I don't care,

Then he shoots himself, like a cool dude.

The thing I hate most about doing these is thinking of a title for both the post itself and the script proper. Two separate titles for what are the same thing in essence. Also the title for this specific post doesn't even work, because lions do roar. Oh well.

Another one for the trenches. (That means it isn't good.)