There is no god and I am proof.

Tuesday, 8 February 2011

So This is a story all about how

First things first, this is an experiment. For all the weekdays of this week I will be writing a heavily fictionalised account from my own life. Maybe you'll get a whimsical script thrown in amongst these drowdy and laden pieces, but don't expect to much.

Realism, my friends, is the name of the game.

Like Common People
John is in the Common Room, taking a break between lessons.

John: Hey Stevie, where you going with that pizza?

Stevie: I can't talk now, I've got two dates ON THE SAME NIGHT

Josh: We should be getting back to further maths, John. Break is almost over.

John: Okay, we'll walk round the front way, like normal. The school is set out so that there is a car park out front and a field in the back and the sixth formers can walk through the car park while the rest of the students walk around the field.

Josh: Why did you just tell me that?

John winks.

Josh: No, John let's not go the front way, Mr Williams, the balding ugly man who probably dwells on what he used to be has said not to go round that way.

John: Haha, I'm not scared off balding Mr Williams, he is but a pathetic hulk of the former man he used to be once upon a time but no longer any more.

John and Josh approach the door that leads to the car park. Enter Mr Williams.

Mr Williams: Hey, John. Just to let you know, you can't go round the front way anymore.

Mr William's voice is incredibly embarrassing for everyone involved.

John: Can't I?

Mr Williams is incredibly hideous.

John: Maybe if I greased your palm with some money?

John is being cool, he knows he could crush Mr Williams in an instant. He is young and fit whilst Mr Williams is a balding, decrepit old man. John is young and full of vitality.

Mr Williams: My ethics are so weak that I do not understand what is currently happening. If I were a stronger man I would take you up on your bribe, that is how pitiful I am.

John: I guess you are self-aware, that could be good.

Mr Williams: Let me taste your young flesh, John.

John doesn't lose his cool, but instead bends down so he is at the same level as Mr Williams, for John is very tall, but Mr Williams is incredibly diminutive.

John: No.

John destroys Mr Williams with his brilliance and steps over his husk and walks to lesson the front way.

Josh: Can I suckle on your penis, John?

John: Of course, Josh, it is a Monday after all.

Sunday, 6 February 2011

TV Go Home

Young virgin flower
I watched you blossom
I saw you in your spring
and now your summer

Let me caress your gentle petals
Allow me access to your womb
I want to plant my honeysuckle
Inside your hairless cocoon.

That uh, that one was not autobiographical. IT WAS A CHARACTER I PLAY. Anyway, let's get this one done quickly haha that is impossible it will be long into the night.

The Revolution Will Almost Certainly be Televised
If you remember, last time we saw our heroes, Janet and Simon they were just talking about a tv revolution. But as these things go we progressed beyond talk, into what could be described politely as action and impolitely as fucking action you fucking whore get out of my life.

Out tale starts two months after their first forays into revolution planning and onto the set of the talk show Hounded starring Rufus Hound.

Rufus: Our next guest is Andrew Ridley. What can I say about Andrew Ridley? He came rocketing on to our screens a month ago and already he's the darling of the comedy circuit. Get your ass over here!

Audience cheers as Andrew Ridley comes on. It is Simon.

Rufus: Hello, great to see you.

Simon: Great to be here.

Rufus: Now, I've got something to get off my chest-

Simon: I hope it's not your bra!

Audience laughs.

Rufus: I was worried you were going to pull punches tonight!

Simon: I only pull women, Rufus!

Audience laughs.

Rufus: Okay well.

Simon: Yep.

Rufus: I have to confess-

Simon: Confess to what, a crime?

Audience laughs.

Rufus: FUCKING STOP IT. [pause] I have to confess that the first time I saw you, I didn't like you, didn't find you funny at all. But in the short weeks you've been on our screens you've really shown us the truth inside all of u-

Simon: Get down on the ground!

Simon stands up and pulls out a gun.

Simon: You heard me! Get on the ground.

Rufus raises his hands above his head and gets on the ground.

Simon: Everyone stay where they fucking are!

Janet comes out of the audience with 10 guerillas. Cut to executives standing on side-lines.

Mr Hartley: Should we...

Mr Green: Ratings are uuuuup.

Simon: For too long have we watched TV crawl into the gutter. Well, we think it's high time that television bucked it's ideas up and got some good solid quality programmes that are worth watching and not on too late and not full of smut. So from here on in, we the people will be commissioning great television for everyone to enjoy. First programme is go!

Theme music plays.

Janet: Hey, welcome to the show. You know it's the first episode of Janet's Chats, but I can already tell we're going to have a good time. Our first guest is my friend Pete.

Pete comes on, audience applauds.

Pete: Great to be here, finally.

Janet: So, Pete, I hear you like gardening.

Pete: That's a long story

Janet: We've got time.

Pete: When I was eleven years old I had a dog. His name was Herby, on account of how he loved to dig up all the plants in my dad's garden. Herby wasn't the smartest dog, or the cutest but he was mine [continues]

Mr Hartly: I really hate this.

Mr Green: Hey now, let's see what the ratings tell us to do.

Mr Hartly: Ratings are way low.

Mr Green: I guess it's coup time.

The canteen. Joel and Matthew are making the food.

Joel: Well what can we do? It's not like it's easy to take power.

Matthew: They just took over. Using violence.

Joel: But think about it. We've got access to their food.

Matthew: That is smart.

Later, in the throne room.

Janet: Simon, let us dine on these succulent morsels.

Simon: Yes, let's.

They both reach for the shrimp and swallow it. Joel and Matthew leap out.

Joel: Aha! We've drugged your food.

Simon: You fool. You can't drug a druggie!

Janet: I'm too drugs for your drugs!

Matthew: Is this it working?

Simon: We should, we should totally just do it

Janet: That would show them if we, if we sexed in their faces

Simon and Janet collapse on the floor. They wriggle towards each other and then finally cease.

Matthew: Now we're the TV Kings!

Production assistants: Okay.

Their first show. Theme music. Title card "Minerva's Manorahs"

Minerva: Honey, have you seen my unabridged semitic DVD?

Joseph: You mean Jews Uncut?

Audience laughter.

Minerva: No, you schmuck, I mean the Larry Sanders boxset.

Audience laughter.

Joseph: Oy vey!

Audience laughter, end credits.

Joel: Okay everyone that was great.

Everyone begins to leave.

Joel: Could I see Mike for a second?

The actor who plays Joseph walks to Joel.

Mike: What's up?

Joel: I heard you were having problems with the role?

Mike: Oh uh-

Joel: I know about the Catholicism, Mike.

Mike: No, I'm uh a rastafarian

Joel: I'm afraid we have to let you go

Mr Hartly: Excuse me for a second.

Mr Hartly leans into Mike and gives him a handgun. He whispers in his ear.

Mr Hartly: Take your prize, Michael.

Mr Hartly exits. Mike and Joel stare at the gun for a second and then Mike slowly raises it to Joel's head.

Joel: Don't do anything you'll regret, Mike. Please, Mike.

Mike: I never did like Jews.

Mike fires the gun and then turns and shoots Matthew as well.

Mike: Every channel will show non-stop footage of a kitchen being oiled! Gay pornography will occasionally intercede! The word obey is banished from the building.

Mr Green: Actors. [he shrugs]

One year later. Helen and Avery are a lesbian couple.

Helen: I've noticed people are a lot more tolerant than even a year ago.

Avery: It's probably the drugs the government started putting in the water supply.


Thursday, 3 February 2011

Father/Son Bonding

Your petty government
Your Sacrament
Your words that you Sent
No one knows what you meant

You lost the meaning when you turned it from thoughts to words
And then again when people turned it from speech to what they heard
And what the herd heard is exactly what they want to hear
But it's not exactly near, your vision to here.

Okay, second script on the Second of February. This is good, this is progress. I've got an idea for a series for next week that you might find interesting, but for now, let's kick it over to the Rolling Stones oh wait they're not relevent I mean Britney Facebook Bieber Twitter

Jesse you gots to teach me Search Engine Optimisation

Father/Sun Outing
A park. A father and his son are walking next to each other. Michael and Scott are their names. Patrick walks by them.

Patrick: Why do you even have a son? You are not utilising the possibilities!

Michael stops walking and stares at Scott.

Michael: You're right! [to scott] Son!

Scott: Yes father?

Michael: I've got big plans for you.

Scott: Cripes, dad!

Michael: Son?

Scott: Yes.

Michael: Don't...don't talk like that.

Fight Montage.

Michael: Okay-

Sorry that should say Fight Mortgage.

Michael: Son, we're going to the the Fight Bank.

Sorry that should say Fight Wank.

Michael: Son.

Scott: Yes father?

Michael: This is going to be uncomfortable.

Sorry that should say ERECT

Michael: Son-

Which part should say ERECT? That is DELIBERATELY AMBIGIOUS!

Michael: Sun

Sun: Yes, human?

Michael: Good job, Sun. Keep on shining.

Sun: Glad to to have your support.

Scott: Was that sarcasm at my dad, son?

Sun: No, I really needed the validation of something a trillion times smaller than me.

Michael: Was that sarcasm at my sun, son?

Sun: No.

Dad: You knew what I meant!


Scott: Oh shit!

Sun: Nah I'm just playin'.

hey fuck you no one cares if it's short you're getting a script right the next day after you already got one
you disgust me and there's probably going to be one tomorrow as well

Wednesday, 2 February 2011

The First Step is Admitting You Have A Problem

No poem today only serious issues
Government trying to keep the black man down
Sending out crack and inventing AIDs
Tryin' to put every nigga in a hospital gown

But I guess it's better than prison or a foreign war
We shouldn't revolt; we should beg for more
Bend over for whitey til our backs are sore
Work real hard til our hands are raw

So I haven't done this for a while, because of the circumstances. Nah, it's because they're hard and I've been trying to get enough sleep so the scripts have been missing out.


Get Thee to a Punnery
A guy is pitching ideas to another guy, it's for tv programs and we've actually already seen this. Here is the original, same characters. I haven't reread it, so if they died or something at the end, a wizard did it.

Tom: So, Peter. What do you have for me?

Peter: Tom, I've got the hot shit. I've got the pizza pie, the Marty McFly, the flying castle in the sky.

Tom: You're fired!

Peter: Maybe this will change your-

Tom: You're fired!

Peter: Eat Your Fruits and Vegetables! Two teams have to eat as many flamboyant homosexuals and coma patients as they can.

Tom: I like it! But I suspect your next idea will be shit!

Peter: Get Your Fruits and Vegetable! Two teams have to chase down as many flamboyant homosexuals and coma patients as they can.

Tom: Nurse! Nurse!

Peter: I don't

Tom: That's the sound I'll be making when I die on my bed of money thanks to that idea! But it would be foolish to expect that because a mountain has gone upwards it doesn't end in a peak. You're fired unless you can pitch without a hitch!

Peter: It's a pop singer, called Jerarde. He's from France and all the songs he sings involved the following rhyme, "Loves an emotion, love's a commotion. I'm rocking for you on my heart locomotion."

Tom: TV?

Peter: We could put him on TV...

Tom: ...

Peter: ...

Tom: ...

Peter: Okay, well you've got candid camera.

Tom: Yeeeeees

Peter: The opposite of that!

Tom: Sooo, non-hidden cameras?

Peter: For not-pranks that are incredibly harmful! All filmed in bolivia.

Tom: But wasn't candid camera on TV?

Peter: I see the issue.

Tom: I am writing down that you pitched a failure.

Tom roots through his desk and finds a book. He opens the book and it is a table with Peter's successes and failures. The successes are many and this is apparently the first failure.

Tom: To go with all your other innumerable failures. You better pitch without a hitch, Peter.

Peter: You already-

Tom: Pitch!

Peter: I don't really have anything left, I kind of thought you'd go for the candid camer-


Peter: Okay uh, it's called Fairly. Rapey. Igloo. Eskimos. Needling. Disco. Spiders.

Tom: Go on.

Peter: It stars the handler of the disco spiders. He's really funny. He's a Comic. Handler

Tom: Like a C.Handler?

Peter: Yeah, and there's the robot, Monitor. Cassette. Amplifer

Tom: Moni.C.A.

Peter: Yep, and also Phoebe, Ross and Joey.

Tom: We've got a contract with Jennifer Aniston. We need to find her a new TV spot. She hates film now.

Peter: Well, we could incorporate the character of Rachael from friends into this.

Tom: I know why you get the big bucks, Peter.

Peter: Thank you sir-

Tom: But there's still a whole world out there you don't know! I'm still the teacher!

6 months later. Margery and Ted are watching at home.

Ted: Is this Friends?

Margery: No dear, it's F.R.I.E.N.D.S....wait.

Ted: Time to revolt!

They revolt. Storming the Studio and-

That's another story for another time. What I'm gonna do is post a different story tomorrow, then we'll pick up this one possible the day after, allow I may feel differently then, of course.