There is no god and I am proof.

Saturday, 18 October 2008

A bit of LIGHT Entertainment

Along comes John, in his uppity thespian ways, writing his first proper thing for YouTube.

John: Oh, a light turned on in the middle of the day.

Turns it off.

John: It was probably a mistake.

Scene 2 In  Which John finds a second light turned on

John: I'll just turn this off.

Turns it off.

John: Maybe they forgot about the global energy crisis.

Scene 3

John turns off a light

John: It could be a different person.

Scene 4

John: Why is it on now?

Turns it off.

John: What purpose does it serve? It gives out no light.

Scene 5

Turns off a light.

John: It's the middle of Summer. The only time people need this light is if they happen to be making breakfast at 1 o clock in the morning.

Scene 6 At the Dinner Table

John: So, whoever is torturing me like this, can you please stop? I'm finding it very hard to sleep knowing energy is being wasted.

Sarah: Actually, I've been wondering who it is as well. I think we can all agree not to turn it on again.

Scene 7

Comes across a light turned on.

John: Just stop! I don't care who it is, just stop turning the light on! I'm losing my mind!

He kneels down.

John: Why!? Why would someone do this?!

He begins to weep, but in the middle of it, turns off the light.

Scene 8

John: Okay. I'll turn this off and wait. We'll see who keeps turning the light on.

Scene 9

Someone is scuttering about near the light switch. John wakes up behind the futon.

John: What? Who's there?

Goblin: It is me, the Goblin that wastes Electricity.

John: More like the Goblin of being a bender.

John hits the goblin with the halberd.

John: [turns to camera] Don't be a Goblin Bender. Turn off the light.

Monday, 13 October 2008

Weird Law

Okay, it's a script with some good ideas in it, but I'm not sure how to work them together, so here's my best attempt.

Phone rings. Man comes over to pick it up.

Woman Salesmen: Hello, Have you ever thought about purchasing a telephone?

Man: No, I haven't really, what are the perks?

Woman Salesmen: You can talk to people far away and they can sell you things!

Man: Wait a minute...Is this cheryl? The restraining order forbids you to contact me!

Woman Salesmen: Not anymore. After the  Restraining Order Employment Act, I can call you if I need to do so as part of my job. I guess we can talk about our relationship now.

Man: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!

Cuts to presetnter walking down street.

Presenter: Do you want this to happen to you? Because if the Restraining Order Employment Act gets passed, it will. And it could even be worse.

Cut to man throwing bricks off a womans house.

Woman in house: Why are you throwing bricks at my house?

Man: (shouting) IT'S MY JOB NOW!

Cuts back.

Presenter: Write to your MP and tell him to vote no on the Restraining Order Employment Act.

Anyway, I think you get the basic idea of the sketch from that.

Sunday, 12 October 2008

An Advert

An advertisement for Television. Played on Television.

Saturday, 11 October 2008


Salt Game. You know the rules.

Get Back to Your Roots

It's the new game show from ITV, "Get back to Your Roots!". It's a hybrid show, involving mindless guesing ( a la Deal or No Deal) and mild racism all involved in the central theme of puns around the word "root".

Round One
We've hidden some root vegetables in these boxes, and all the contestants have to do is work out what's in their box.

Is it a potato? Yes. A lot of them are potatos.

Is mine a potato, also? No. It's a carrot. Some of them are carrots. We could only remember two root vegetables.

Is mine a carrot? No. It's a potato.

Round Two
We've found some people who aren't from the United Kingdom and dressed them in shiny mirroball suits. Guess what country they're from, using only they're face.

India! No. How could that possibly be true?

China! Close, it was Japan, but her parents are from China.

Africa! Ok, first of all Africa isn't a country, and also that's quite racist to assume that all black people are from Africa. He's from North America. He's a mormon and likes long walks in the rain.

The black man and the Presenter begin to kiss.

Israel! That's...correct. How did you work it out?

I'm blind to race.  I see. That's very liberal of you.
I see only the person.

Round Three
In which we mix Rounds One and Two together. All the contestants have to do is guess which root vegetables grow in the native countries of this set of people.

Potato! Correct. Potatoes grow in most places.

Potato! That too is correct.

Carrot! Wrong. You really should have said potato.

I didn't want to take the easy way out.

Rhubarb! That's not a root vegetable. And even if it were, it's wrong.

And at the end of the game we total up the points and the people with the most go  on an all-expense-paid trip to Sheffield.

The show is made in Australia.

A little bit Racial

Okay. Today we have a sketch or tv show that explore race and its repurcussions in our society. I think it's funny as well. Although it might not be. It's a bit like Shcroed - Schroeding - Shroodonger's- the quantum physics thing with the cat.

A couple a sitting on a park bench. It is a heterosexual couple. They are white.

Man: Have you ever noticed how black people -

Presenter: Let me just stop you there. How can you be sure this conversation isn't going to be racist?

Man: I guess I can't.

Woman: It sounded a bit racist, but I wasn't sure. It could have been an observation.

Presenter: Well, I know one way to find out.

He holds up a device.

Presenter: This device contains a hotline to several people, representing most of the races in the world. You need never be racist again.

Man: What about intentionally?

Presenter: It doesn't actually stop you from being racist, just advises you on what is and isn't racist.

Man: What about anit-semitism?

Presenter: Oh, didn't you hear? That's alright now. It's post-modern and ironic.

Woman: It's about bloody time.

Presenter: Of course it's not alright! Why would it be alright? Why would abusing someone because of something they can't change be alright?

Woman: I just thought -

Presenter: You thought wrong, love.

Man: I'm not marrying a Nazi.

Woman: But, I'm not a-

Presenter: Come on, let's go.

Presenter and Man walk off into the sunset.

So I was thinking that this could be like the end or something of a documentary about race. It could be a bit light-hearted after all the talk about the KKK and things like that.

Friday, 10 October 2008

New Character

Okay, it's a football match. And here is the commentary.

Announcer: And it's Wells coming up the inside, he's taken possesion and - yes - he's kicked the ball into the stands. The ball-boy comes out with another ball, Wells punches the ball-boy and takes the ball and kicks it into the stands.

Second Announcer: This is unheard of in Footballe. He has kicked another ball out of the stadium, and is now returning to his goal.

Announcer: Wait! He's standing up! He's run onto the pitch and taken the ball from the hands of the goalie. He has kicked it into the stands.

Second Announcer: He's being lead away by the Police.

Announcer: He's broken free! He's running to the top of the stadium, I don't believe this Wells is pulling a sniper rifle.

Second Announcer: For those just joining us, Wells is at the top of the stands and has just shot 6 of the last 7 balls in HillSide Stadium.

Announcer: Wells has just dived from the top of the stands and is...Wells is flying like Superman.

Second Announcer: Perhaps more like the Green Lantern.

Announcer: Or Captain Marvel?

Second Announcer: Whoever he's like, Wells has just kicked the last ball out of the stadium.

Announcer: This will go down in Footballe history.

Second Announcer: Wells has just saluted the stadium and flown to the moon.

Announcer: I am naming my child Wells. He is so awesome.

I love this sketch idea.

Sunday, 5 October 2008

A case to "crack"

It's purple splodge again!

Opening Shot. A masked figure kills Yellow.

Yellow: Aaaaaahhhhhhh! [dies]

Enter Purple. Pops up from side of screen.

Purple: I guess she's been "killed"

Opening Credits and things. Music by "The Who".

Purple: I know it was you, Green!

Green: I'm not even real. I'm one of your hallucinations!

Red: She's right, purple. It can't have been either of us, we're figments of your imagination.

Purple: Oh yeah.

Purple Detective Office

Purple: If it wasn't them, then who was it.


Purple: I want money for drugs. Maybe if I kill Yellow, I can take her money.

End of Flashback.

Purple: Cool, I'm a murderer.

The preceding script is likely to win a BAFTA.

Wednesday, 1 October 2008


Neato - the new gameshow from Japan. Pick out which item is "Neato", to win "Neato".