There is no god and I am proof.

Wednesday, 10 November 2010



a fantastic script entered

Not sure if I mentioned, but I entered a sketch writing competition. I'm not bitter, and am pleased to congratulate Mr Cj Tuor, no matter how many things I have heard about his penchant for cock gobbling and racism. Indeed, I am able to look past the sickly bodily fluid-stained shell to see the boyman underneath. He truly deserves everything that he ever gets in the future.

Anyway here's my entry, retitled for modern audiences.


A boardroom. Day time. Michael, Sheila and Tony are midway through a presentation to Sean, Robert, Mary and Susan.

Sheila: We're dynamic, we're synergistic and most importantly we're well coordinated.

Long pause.

Michael: So next time you need advertising, think Osiris advertising!

Sean raises his hand.

Michael: Sean.

Sean: Yes. I thought you were a printing company?

Flashback. Caption says 10 minutes ago. Michael and co walk through door.

Michael: Hello, we're Osiris printing and we've got a very special presentation for your company in particular.

Susan: What's the name of our company?

Michael: Hi, the name's Mike. I run a printing company.

Back to present-day.

Susan: So you can see how we might think you were a printing company.

Michael: In a way, we do still print. [Michael sees a poster on the wall saying “Follow your dreams”] We print dreams.

Sheila: Using advertising.

Michael: We print dreams using advertising.

Sean: Well, we've already got an advertising company on the books-

Michael: [to sheila and tony] Okay, they don't like the advertising.

Sheila: We're a manufacturing company!

Michael: Osiris manufacturing? Really sheila?

Tony: By RA's holy testes, we could be a logistics company!

Michael: That's dumb and so are you Tony. [Turning back to the boardroom] I'm here to talk to you about Osiris logistics, helping you with your logistical analysis and evaluation.

Robert: Logistics huh? WELL that's a different story.

Sheila: Yes, we're really very logistical. Do you have a lot of logistical needs?

Robert: Do I? Listen lady, I have a whole lot of logistical needs and all of them need satisfying.

Sheila: Well that sounds like an interesting business idea-

Michael: Stop whoring yourself, Sheila! Jesus woman, have some respect for your body.

Sheila: I-

Michael: Whatever. Gentlemen, hello! I speak to you on behalf of Osiris Insurance, providing business insurance with the grace of the god of the dead.

Mary: Is that good?

Michael: It's satisfying, Mary.

Sean raises his hand.

Michael: Yes, Sean.

Sean: It's creepy that you know all our names.

Michael: I do a lot of research before I present to a company.

Sean: What's the name of our company?

Michael: Don't you just hate it when you run out of pens?

Sean: Wha-

Michael: Well, those days are over, buddy, when you buy pen insurance from Osiris pen corporation.

Sheila: Top quality pens at low quality prices!

Robert: Surely a low quality price is one that is too high?

Robert points like an asshole.

Sean: Shut up, Robert, I want to hear about the pens.

Tony throws his arms in the air.

Tony: By Ra's sweaty flank, I'm bored as hell.

Michael: Shut up, Tony! Why did I even hire you?

Flashback. 10 days earlier. A small office. Michael is sitting behind a desk with Tony sitting in front of him.

Michael: Got any skills?

Tony: By Ra's powerful chin, I love egyptian gods!

Michael: You're hired!

Camera pans right, Sheila is in the room.

Sheila: Won't that get annoying?

Michael: Pfft, ever heard of a cool saying, Sheila?

Tony: Yeah, sheila.

Sheila: You didn't do it there!

Tony: By Ra's mighty heels, I don't know what you're referring to.


Michael: [to himself] I'm regretting that.

Sean: Listen, I think you guys should leave.

Michael: I respect your decision, Sean.

Michael, Sheila and Tony leave through the door. Through the window of the boardroom we see them arguing furiously.

Sheila: That powerpoint presentation did not go well.

Michael: Really Sheila? Is that why we're out here?

Sheila: I don't think it's necessary to shout. And I don't think it's necessary to go through so many fake companies before we say what we really do.

Michael: And I think it is necessary that we go through all the companies! It weakens their resolve when we tell them what we really are!

Sheila: I'm not saying the method's wrong, I'm saying it needs finessing! We could just have two fake companies-

Michael: Two? What is this, Burma? You want me to march in there and only say two fake companies off the top of my head?

Sheila: I'm just saying it might help.

Sean comes through the door.

Sean: Excuse me, we heard you arguing. Those companies you said were fake?

Sheila: [ashamed] Yes.

Sean: We really need a bunch of fake company names. I guess we'll hire you.

ALL: Hooray!

Flashforward. 10 days later. A man hangs from a noose from the ceiling of an office. He has his back to us and he rotates around. It is Michael.

Can you guess which recent script I cannibalised to make that one?

The person who guesses correctly wins a used towel.

Sunday, 7 November 2010

New Start New Blog

A sickening blur stops
Suddenly and without warning
Why would you touch this
You cannot touch this

Seriously bro I mean
You cannot touch this
Do not try to touch this
Because you cannot touch this

So it's been a month since my last update. But there will almost certainly be an update following this one, because I recently entered the cracked sketch writing competition, meaning I can post the sketch once they announce that I haven't won. It's based off a sketch I wrote for this blog before, see if you can guess which one.

You know when I post it, which isn't now. Now I'm doing a sketch about the nature of satire.

Political Business
A writers room. David and Saul are the head writers.

David: Okay, it's a sketch about the coalition.

Saul: That's right on topical, Dave.

David: Thanks, Saul. I pride myself on being topical. So, it's a sketch about the coalition.

Saul: Topical.

David: We see David Cameron and he's paying a dog to lick his testicles.

Sally: So...the dog represents Nick Clegg?

David: Well no. Nick Clegg then walks in the room and pays a cat to lick his testicles.

Sally: The animals are...voters?

David: Well no. Voters then walk in and they're paying a menagerie of animals to lick their testicles.

Saul: No female voters?

David: Female voters get their outer labia licked.

Sauls shoots finger guns at David.

Saul: Smart thinking.

Sally: This doesn't seem like satire to me.

David: How so, Sally?

Sally: Nothing represents anything.

David: Really, Sally? Sounds like you don't have a dog lick your testicles.

Saul and David highfive.

Saul: Seriously though, you'd understand if you had a dog lick your outer labia.

Sally: You've both had a dog lick your testicles?

Sauls shoots finger guns at Sally. Sally turns to the other writers in the room.

Sally: And you've all had dogs lick your testicles/outer labia?

The other writers nod.

Harry: Mine was a tiny mouse.

Sally: Hrmmm.

Later. Sally has left.

David: Man, imagine if Sally gets a dog to lick her outer labia.

Saul: She could be great at writing political satire.

David: Yes.

David stands up and walks to the window.

David: Maybe too great.

Sally's flat. She is dialling a phone.

Sally: Hello, is that Dean's Pets and Pet Supplies?...Yes, what's your cheapest dog?...Uhuh...uhuh.

Dean's Pets and Pet Supplies. David and Saul have just entered.

David: Okay kill all the dogs. [to shopkeeper] Shopkeep! I'll buy all of your dogs!

Saul: I thought we were killing the dogs.

David: Yes, kill the dogs, as in buy all the dogs.

Saul: Phew

David: And then later kill the dogs.

Saul: Phew

Sally's flat.

Sally: That's the fifth pet shop with no dogs.

A warehouse.

David: Okay, so we were holding these dogs for resale and then the warehouse burned down.

Saul: Man the pigs will believe anything.

David: Yes. yes they will.

How did you like it? This is the first script for my new tumblr account.