There is no god and I am proof.

Sunday, 7 November 2010

New Start New Blog

A sickening blur stops
Suddenly and without warning
Why would you touch this
You cannot touch this

Seriously bro I mean
You cannot touch this
Do not try to touch this
Because you cannot touch this

So it's been a month since my last update. But there will almost certainly be an update following this one, because I recently entered the cracked sketch writing competition, meaning I can post the sketch once they announce that I haven't won. It's based off a sketch I wrote for this blog before, see if you can guess which one.

You know when I post it, which isn't now. Now I'm doing a sketch about the nature of satire.

Political Business
A writers room. David and Saul are the head writers.

David: Okay, it's a sketch about the coalition.

Saul: That's right on topical, Dave.

David: Thanks, Saul. I pride myself on being topical. So, it's a sketch about the coalition.

Saul: Topical.

David: We see David Cameron and he's paying a dog to lick his testicles.

Sally: So...the dog represents Nick Clegg?

David: Well no. Nick Clegg then walks in the room and pays a cat to lick his testicles.

Sally: The animals are...voters?

David: Well no. Voters then walk in and they're paying a menagerie of animals to lick their testicles.

Saul: No female voters?

David: Female voters get their outer labia licked.

Sauls shoots finger guns at David.

Saul: Smart thinking.

Sally: This doesn't seem like satire to me.

David: How so, Sally?

Sally: Nothing represents anything.

David: Really, Sally? Sounds like you don't have a dog lick your testicles.

Saul and David highfive.

Saul: Seriously though, you'd understand if you had a dog lick your outer labia.

Sally: You've both had a dog lick your testicles?

Sauls shoots finger guns at Sally. Sally turns to the other writers in the room.

Sally: And you've all had dogs lick your testicles/outer labia?

The other writers nod.

Harry: Mine was a tiny mouse.

Sally: Hrmmm.

Later. Sally has left.

David: Man, imagine if Sally gets a dog to lick her outer labia.

Saul: She could be great at writing political satire.

David: Yes.

David stands up and walks to the window.

David: Maybe too great.

Sally's flat. She is dialling a phone.

Sally: Hello, is that Dean's Pets and Pet Supplies?...Yes, what's your cheapest dog?...Uhuh...uhuh.

Dean's Pets and Pet Supplies. David and Saul have just entered.

David: Okay kill all the dogs. [to shopkeeper] Shopkeep! I'll buy all of your dogs!

Saul: I thought we were killing the dogs.

David: Yes, kill the dogs, as in buy all the dogs.

Saul: Phew

David: And then later kill the dogs.

Saul: Phew

Sally's flat.

Sally: That's the fifth pet shop with no dogs.

A warehouse.

David: Okay, so we were holding these dogs for resale and then the warehouse burned down.

Saul: Man the pigs will believe anything.

David: Yes. yes they will.

How did you like it? This is the first script for my new tumblr account.


Apocalyptus said...

Harry had a dog which was also a tiny mouse lick his testicles?

John said...

He had a tiny mouse instead of a dog.

Anonymous said...

Fuckin pigs will believe anything. Also the cops

Anonymous said...

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, may all your wishes come true!

Anonymous said...

You wrote a very interesting article. And I agree with you. hair loss