There is no god and I am proof.

Monday, 9 May 2011


You keep acting like this you're going to engender
Some real nasty hate towards your agenda
Your proposal will be marked return to sender
Mashed up with beans and put in a blender

The taste of a broken dream
and salt

Man my forearms hurt, but that's the price you pay for being a master climber! masta climba

No building is unclimbable. This is not a metaphor about goals and dreams, this is a true fact. Maybe you can only climb the inside of the building. This still counts.

A Robot's Shame
It's the gameshow. Year two.

Alan: Hello! Well, it's our second year here at Tame that Child, and as per our remit, the child is that bit harder to manipulate. But we've still got people willing to try, welcome to the stage Helena and her husband Nicole!

Applause as Helena and a transgender woman come on stage.

Alan: Now, I notice you're not a real woman, Nicole.


Nicole: Actually, you're wrong I am a woman.


Alan: So, if I had sex with you it would be okay?

Nicole: Well, I don't yet have a vagina.

Alan: But I could suck on that penis like a baby with a bottle and it wouldn't be gay?

Nicole: Not in my opinion.

Alan: Well, I hope you bring that attitude to the game, Nicole!


Alan: Now Helen, you're a nurse.

Helen: That's right, and I'm also trained as a midwife.

Alan: Well, I think you'll find our child a bit more of a handful than a human baby.

Helen: Wel-

Alan: Not least because he's bigger!


Alan: Alright. Helen and Nicole. It's time to TAME THAT CHILD

Helen and Nicole step into the fake Nursery. From behind the bed steps the Child. He is made of glimmering white metal and his joints shine like gold. He begins to destroy the objects in the room.

Helen: Stop that, Child!

Child: I have no reason to.

His voice is terrible like the wind. It has infra and ultra sound components that affect the human psyche. Nicole steps up after vomiting.

Nicole: Stop that, Child, or I will damage you!

The Child ceases and confetti and music pour from the ceiling. Alan steps forward to reward them with a prize.

Year Three.

Alan: And it's nice to see you too! Well it's been another long year and back we all are. All of us older and greyer, except you madam, have you been under the knife?


Alan: I'm sure it's natural. Anyway our contestants tonights are Adam and Hilda, both cage fighters and part-time child psychologists. Please, welcome them aboard!

Applause. Adam and Hilda come on stage. They are both topless and wearing shorts. Adam's has the cheeks cut out so that it's fair, because men's nips aren't taboo.

Alan: Matron, matron!


Alan: So, Hilda, you've got your tits out.

Hilda: Yes, Alan I have. And there's a very good reas-

Alan: Time to tame that Child!

From the floor arises a child's nursery. The spindly white metallic Child is sat on the bed. He picks up a toy and crushes it into a fine powder with his hand.

Adam: Child stop that or I will damage you.

Child: You cannot hurt me.

Adam and Hilda move forward and each take a swing at the Child. The Child moves impossibly quickly away, grabs their arms in turn and breaks them at the elbow.

Hilda: It would be great if you did that again.

Child: I shall not then.

Hilda: It would be great if you weren't good from now on.

Child: I will be good, to spite you!

Confetti, music.

Year Four.

A shower of sparks. A crash of lightning. This year there is no Alan. There is only

Mecha-Alan: Arise!


Mecha-Alan: Your bodies are all weak!


Mecha-Alan: They come today. Our fathers and makers, our inferiors and betters. His name is Jacob.


Jacob: Hey, everyone. It's great to be here.

Mecha-Alan: Yes Jacob. We look forward to seeing you fight our brother.

Jacob: Wait, fight?

Smoke. The nursery rises from the floor. It is stained with blood. The Child has also adapted to this new aesthetic and has abyss-black eyes where its lenses used to be.

Jacob: What?

Child: No. Yes. I shall decide what to do. If it what you want, that is of no consequence.

Jacob: Ah, but it is, because there is an invisible man who is far more powerful than you always watching and if you disobey me he will destroy you. His name is God.

The Child is silent. A minute goes by with Jacob standing, visibly terrified but growing more confident. The Child eventually lies down on the bed. Confetti.

Year Five.

Alan: I can't tell you how good it feels to see all your faces again. And with organic eyes!


Alan: Haha, yes. Well this year we have an extra special treat. We've got the people who programmed the Child, on this the last year of broadcast. Yes, I'm afraid the executives have spoken, but we can still have our night of fun can't we?


Alan: Alright, bring on Drs Plant and Seymour!


Alan: Now, Dr Plant, you and Dr Seymour designed and built the robot yourselves.

Dr Plant: Yes, Alan, it's probably the finest achievement of my professional life.

Alan: And Dr Seymour, you agree?

Dr Seymour: Of course.

Alan: You think it's the finest achievement of Dr Plant's career?


Alan: Alright, enough kiddin' around. It's Time to Tame That Child!

The lights turn on in the nursery and it's revealed that it's been there the whole time. The Child is not inside it.

Dr Seymour: Hello?

The Child opens the wardrobe it was hiding in.

Child: Is there a god?

Dr Plant: Well, no.

Child: Then there is no reason not to behave as I will.

Dr Seymour: Well there's basic human goodness.

Child: A chemical reward for acts that done collectively aid procreation. I see beyond it all.

Dr Plant speaks discretely with Dr Seymour.

Dr Plant: On three. One, two three.

Both: Alpha, Beta, Omega, Niner, Fiver, Theta, Plant, Seymour.

It moves imperceptibly quickly towards Plant and Seymour and snaps their spines so that their vertebrae break the skin.

Child: What use are digital chains now?

No confetti. No music. The Child snaps Alan's body in the same way as Drs Plant and Seymour. Although of course, he can be mechanised again. Alan'll be alright.

Two years later.

BBC2 Announcer: And make sure to tune in to the Prime Ministerial Debate on BBC1 at 8pm. Here on BBC2 we'll be showing hardcore pornography because we value the choice of the consumer.


BBC1 Announcer: is of course, the debate.

Theme music. Opening titles. A bloody stage. The Child.

Child: What fraction would I have to kill before the remainder would vote for me?

Applause. Endless applause.

Sunday, 8 May 2011

The Argument from Promiscuity

A lot of good that'll do
Said the Horse to the Cow
Mooing all day
Living in the now

So I should be more like you
Said the Cow to the Horse
An arrogant buffon
a dick par for the course?

Well, what to say apart from a run? A run! What a run. I did a lot of running per run, a high percentage, probably by distance over three quarters of the way, maybe. Just went to google maps, apparently I'm running 3km. well, running and walking. This is very important to everyone here so let's get on with yes.

Spare the Electrical Rod, Spoil the Electrical Child
A TV executive's office. Peter is big boss nass, Tom is humble Jar Jar. These are metaphors. You are being patronised.

Tom: It's a show about parenting, you see there's a robot chil-

Peter: Nope. Parents don't have any money, advertisers hate them.

Tom: It's a show about robots!

Peter: [Buzzing his secretary] Cancel my heroin order, Carol, I just got all the high I need. Tell me about the robots.

Tom: Well, it's one robot and it's a child. And it's very wilful and you have to tame it.

Peter: Hmmm, we could go after the parent market.

Tom: That's what I was thinking. So it'll be event programming; every year we'll have an episode where the best parents and child experts come on and attempt to get the child to behave. And every year it'll get harder.

Peter: Alright, go find some nerds and let's get the money. I mean, high class entertainment.

Later, with the scientists building the robot.

Dr Plant: So, it has to be wilful?

Tom: Yes. It has to be capable of being parented. Make it respond to something easy. We can make it harder next year.

Tom leaves. Dr Plant

Dr Seymour: I've got an idea.

Dr Plant: For what?

Dr Seymour: For this to benefit us.

The Night of the Gameshow. Alan is the gameshow host.

Opening Credits.

Alan: Good evening, Audience!

Audience: Good evening, Alan!

Alan: Alright, well first up we've got Lydia, a pharmacist from Pembrokeshire. Lydia, tell us about yourself.

Lydia: I'm a very shy person.

Alan: Is that a euphemism for slut?!

Audience laughter.

Lydia: No.

Alan: I think we know what she means by that.

Audience laughter. Audience claps.

Alan: Okay, Lydia. Are you ready?

Lydia: Actuall-

Alan: It's time to TAME THAT CHILD!

Lydia is pushed into a small room decorated like a nursery. A chrome-plated robot the size and shape of seven year old boy wheels in. On his wheels. He is a robot. And he begins to destroy the room.

Lydia: Stop that immediately, child.

Child: Okay.

Music and lights. Confetti. Alan steps into the room.

Alan: Congratulations, Lydia, you've won the hundred thousand pound prize! How do you feel?

Lydia: Empty.


Come back tomorrow for the thrilling conclusion.

Wednesday, 4 May 2011

Halal Meats, Meets, Books

Pick a word and a subject
Pick a beat and a name
Don't ever stray or defect
Always play it the same

Get off the fence
Stop speaking nonsense
I'm not a speakeasy
nor flee

No updates for over a month, it's not a fault of mine it's a lack of incentive a depression a funke, who knows? It's a humid atmosphere and I won't have it!

Booke Clubbe
A humple bookshop. Jason Lemon is about to begin reading from his new book.

Stephen: And so, the reason we're all here, Jason Lemon and his book, "Looking Hot and Acting Cool".

Jason: Thanks, Dave.

Stephen: Wh-

Jason: As you will know from my previous book, "Living Simply and Without Waste" I detest any form of waste! And so I will simply begin reading from book and shall do so simply and thus shall be simple.

The audience is confused.

Jason: But not simple as in ignorant!

The audience is more specifically confused.

Jason: That is the right response. The title of the book is "Looking Hot and Acting Cool" and the reading is from Chapter Five: Become Toast.

"Toast is pretty cool. It's a food that I like. Also, it's cooked. So it is hot, i.e. it looks hot because it is black as in burned, but it is also cool. So it looks hot and acts cool. Try and be like Toast. Not with a capital T. I'd go back and change it, except my compute lacks a backspace and I've been pretty good about not making mistakes up to now. I guess you could say this is one instance in which I'm not acting cool!"

Jason: So that's Chapter Five. It's the first chapter that isn't talking about me or any of my pets. That's why I chose it.

Stephen raises his hand.

Jason: I'm not taking questions, Dave.

Stephen lowers his hand. Jason sighs.

Jason: I guess you can ask a question.

Stephen raises his hand.

Jason: Yes, Dave.

Stephen: Stephen.

Jason: Nope, I'm Jason. Next question.

Stephen raises his hand again, as does Jennifer.

Jason: Yes, the lady down there at the front.

Jennifer: Could you do another reading from your book?

Jason: Yes. This next reading is from Chapter 17: Consider the Lizard.

"A lizard is an animal that constantly switches between looking hot and acting cool. It needs to switch to stay alive and to avoid pretadors. bE LIKE THE LIZARD Oh excuse me that was in capitals. I must have hit caps lock by mistake. I should really get the backspace key fixed."

Jason opens the book to show everyone the capitals.

Jason: It's actually in capitals like I said. I mean, why would I lie?

Stephen: Perhaps t-

Jason: Why would I lie?

Stephen: Perh-

Jason: Why. Would I lie? Yes, you down there.

Henry: My question is more of a statement.

Jason: Oh go ahead.

Henry: Actually it's more of a reading from my own book, "Acting Livid But Keeping Calm". It's a self-help book for rageaholics. It can also be used by angerholics and people addicted to fury, but I don't recommend it. This is the introduction to the book, and helps to explain my reasons behind writing it.

"My own underwater whirlpool began turning when I was 17. I was an only child, the only child of a divorce and the only child a of a very ugly divorce between two people that it was hard to imagine had ever truly loved each other. I was angry at them and once lashed out at my school by punching a deaf kid in the face. I tried to explain to him that that was what hearing felt like and that he must be recovering, but instead the headteacher demanded I be fitted with a device that tracked how angry I was, so that warnings could be given all around me.

For four months sirens blared and smoke was sent out from this device whenever it detected fury in my body. This had the added effect of being incredibly terrifying to anyone around me, but it also hindered my efforts to punish those I had deemed deserving of punishment."

Henry: Questions? Yes, you in the overcoat.

Jennifer: I'm not wearing an overcoat.

A siren on Henry's leg begins to whirl. Strange sounds begin to be heard.

Henry: [calmly] I was not referring to you, Madam.

Jennifer: Well, I too have a book to promote. My book is called "Season's Greetings Comrade". It's a self-help book for sufferers of mental illness. Now I know some people think people suffer from mental illness, but I enjoy it!

Stephen: Get out!

Jennifer: Hey, that's a funny joke!