There is no god and I am proof.

Sunday, 8 May 2011

The Argument from Promiscuity

A lot of good that'll do
Said the Horse to the Cow
Mooing all day
Living in the now

So I should be more like you
Said the Cow to the Horse
An arrogant buffon
a dick par for the course?

Well, what to say apart from a run? A run! What a run. I did a lot of running per run, a high percentage, probably by distance over three quarters of the way, maybe. Just went to google maps, apparently I'm running 3km. well, running and walking. This is very important to everyone here so let's get on with yes.

Spare the Electrical Rod, Spoil the Electrical Child
A TV executive's office. Peter is big boss nass, Tom is humble Jar Jar. These are metaphors. You are being patronised.

Tom: It's a show about parenting, you see there's a robot chil-

Peter: Nope. Parents don't have any money, advertisers hate them.

Tom: It's a show about robots!

Peter: [Buzzing his secretary] Cancel my heroin order, Carol, I just got all the high I need. Tell me about the robots.

Tom: Well, it's one robot and it's a child. And it's very wilful and you have to tame it.

Peter: Hmmm, we could go after the parent market.

Tom: That's what I was thinking. So it'll be event programming; every year we'll have an episode where the best parents and child experts come on and attempt to get the child to behave. And every year it'll get harder.

Peter: Alright, go find some nerds and let's get the money. I mean, high class entertainment.

Later, with the scientists building the robot.

Dr Plant: So, it has to be wilful?

Tom: Yes. It has to be capable of being parented. Make it respond to something easy. We can make it harder next year.

Tom leaves. Dr Plant

Dr Seymour: I've got an idea.

Dr Plant: For what?

Dr Seymour: For this to benefit us.

The Night of the Gameshow. Alan is the gameshow host.

Opening Credits.

Alan: Good evening, Audience!

Audience: Good evening, Alan!

Alan: Alright, well first up we've got Lydia, a pharmacist from Pembrokeshire. Lydia, tell us about yourself.

Lydia: I'm a very shy person.

Alan: Is that a euphemism for slut?!

Audience laughter.

Lydia: No.

Alan: I think we know what she means by that.

Audience laughter. Audience claps.

Alan: Okay, Lydia. Are you ready?

Lydia: Actuall-

Alan: It's time to TAME THAT CHILD!

Lydia is pushed into a small room decorated like a nursery. A chrome-plated robot the size and shape of seven year old boy wheels in. On his wheels. He is a robot. And he begins to destroy the room.

Lydia: Stop that immediately, child.

Child: Okay.

Music and lights. Confetti. Alan steps into the room.

Alan: Congratulations, Lydia, you've won the hundred thousand pound prize! How do you feel?

Lydia: Empty.


Come back tomorrow for the thrilling conclusion.


Apocalyptus said...

This one makes me happy.

Anonymous said...

I have no mouth and I must scream... with laughter because that was a hilarious script !!!