There is no god and I am proof.

Wednesday, 4 May 2011

Halal Meats, Meets, Books

Pick a word and a subject
Pick a beat and a name
Don't ever stray or defect
Always play it the same

Get off the fence
Stop speaking nonsense
I'm not a speakeasy
nor flee

No updates for over a month, it's not a fault of mine it's a lack of incentive a depression a funke, who knows? It's a humid atmosphere and I won't have it!

Booke Clubbe
A humple bookshop. Jason Lemon is about to begin reading from his new book.

Stephen: And so, the reason we're all here, Jason Lemon and his book, "Looking Hot and Acting Cool".

Jason: Thanks, Dave.

Stephen: Wh-

Jason: As you will know from my previous book, "Living Simply and Without Waste" I detest any form of waste! And so I will simply begin reading from book and shall do so simply and thus shall be simple.

The audience is confused.

Jason: But not simple as in ignorant!

The audience is more specifically confused.

Jason: That is the right response. The title of the book is "Looking Hot and Acting Cool" and the reading is from Chapter Five: Become Toast.

"Toast is pretty cool. It's a food that I like. Also, it's cooked. So it is hot, i.e. it looks hot because it is black as in burned, but it is also cool. So it looks hot and acts cool. Try and be like Toast. Not with a capital T. I'd go back and change it, except my compute lacks a backspace and I've been pretty good about not making mistakes up to now. I guess you could say this is one instance in which I'm not acting cool!"

Jason: So that's Chapter Five. It's the first chapter that isn't talking about me or any of my pets. That's why I chose it.

Stephen raises his hand.

Jason: I'm not taking questions, Dave.

Stephen lowers his hand. Jason sighs.

Jason: I guess you can ask a question.

Stephen raises his hand.

Jason: Yes, Dave.

Stephen: Stephen.

Jason: Nope, I'm Jason. Next question.

Stephen raises his hand again, as does Jennifer.

Jason: Yes, the lady down there at the front.

Jennifer: Could you do another reading from your book?

Jason: Yes. This next reading is from Chapter 17: Consider the Lizard.

"A lizard is an animal that constantly switches between looking hot and acting cool. It needs to switch to stay alive and to avoid pretadors. bE LIKE THE LIZARD Oh excuse me that was in capitals. I must have hit caps lock by mistake. I should really get the backspace key fixed."

Jason opens the book to show everyone the capitals.

Jason: It's actually in capitals like I said. I mean, why would I lie?

Stephen: Perhaps t-

Jason: Why would I lie?

Stephen: Perh-

Jason: Why. Would I lie? Yes, you down there.

Henry: My question is more of a statement.

Jason: Oh go ahead.

Henry: Actually it's more of a reading from my own book, "Acting Livid But Keeping Calm". It's a self-help book for rageaholics. It can also be used by angerholics and people addicted to fury, but I don't recommend it. This is the introduction to the book, and helps to explain my reasons behind writing it.

"My own underwater whirlpool began turning when I was 17. I was an only child, the only child of a divorce and the only child a of a very ugly divorce between two people that it was hard to imagine had ever truly loved each other. I was angry at them and once lashed out at my school by punching a deaf kid in the face. I tried to explain to him that that was what hearing felt like and that he must be recovering, but instead the headteacher demanded I be fitted with a device that tracked how angry I was, so that warnings could be given all around me.

For four months sirens blared and smoke was sent out from this device whenever it detected fury in my body. This had the added effect of being incredibly terrifying to anyone around me, but it also hindered my efforts to punish those I had deemed deserving of punishment."

Henry: Questions? Yes, you in the overcoat.

Jennifer: I'm not wearing an overcoat.

A siren on Henry's leg begins to whirl. Strange sounds begin to be heard.

Henry: [calmly] I was not referring to you, Madam.

Jennifer: Well, I too have a book to promote. My book is called "Season's Greetings Comrade". It's a self-help book for sufferers of mental illness. Now I know some people think people suffer from mental illness, but I enjoy it!

Stephen: Get out!

Jennifer: Hey, that's a funny joke!



Apocalyptus said...

Goddamn lizards.

Good to see you writing again, more please.

Anonymous said...

I loev this and it has inspired me to write my own book titled (How to learn to play scrabble: a treatise on the ontological necessity of human development within a fixed system)