Halal Meats, Meets, Books

Pick a word and a subject

Pick a beat and a name

Don't ever stray or defect

Always play it the same

Get off the fence

Stop speaking nonsense

I'm not a speakeasy

nor flee

easy

eas

as

a

No updates for over a month, it's not a fault of mine it's a lack of incentive a depression a funke, who knows? It's a humid atmosphere and I won't have it!

Booke Clubbe

A humple bookshop. Jason Lemon is about to begin reading from his new book.

Stephen: And so, the reason we're all here, Jason Lemon and his book, "Looking Hot and Acting Cool".

Jason: Thanks, Dave.

Stephen: Wh-

Jason: As you will know from my previous book, "Living Simply and Without Waste" I detest any form of waste! And so I will simply begin reading from book and shall do so simply and thus shall be simple.

The audience is confused.

Jason: But not simple as in ignorant!

The audience is more specifically confused.

Jason: That is the right response. The title of the book is "Looking Hot and Acting Cool" and the reading is from Chapter Five: Become Toast.

"Toast is pretty cool. It's a food that I like. Also, it's cooked. So it is hot, i.e. it looks hot because it is black as in burned, but it is also cool. So it looks hot and acts cool. Try and be like Toast. Not with a capital T. I'd go back and change it, except my compute lacks a backspace and I've been pretty good about not making mistakes up to now. I guess you could say this is one instance in which I'm not acting cool!"

Jason: So that's Chapter Five. It's the first chapter that isn't talking about me or any of my pets. That's why I chose it.

Stephen raises his hand.

Jason: I'm not taking questions, Dave.

Stephen lowers his hand. Jason sighs.

Jason: I guess you can ask a question.

Stephen raises his hand.

Jason: Yes, Dave.

Stephen: Stephen.

Jason: Nope, I'm Jason. Next question.

Stephen raises his hand again, as does Jennifer.

Jason: Yes, the lady down there at the front.

Jennifer: Could you do another reading from your book?

Jason: Yes. This next reading is from Chapter 17: Consider the Lizard.

"A lizard is an animal that constantly switches between looking hot and acting cool. It needs to switch to stay alive and to avoid pretadors. bE LIKE THE LIZARD Oh excuse me that was in capitals. I must have hit caps lock by mistake. I should really get the backspace key fixed."

Jason opens the book to show everyone the capitals.

Jason: It's actually in capitals like I said. I mean, why would I lie?

Stephen: Perhaps t-

Jason: Why would I lie?

Stephen: Perh-

Jason: Why. Would I lie? Yes, you down there.

Henry: My question is more of a statement.

Jason: Oh go ahead.

Henry: Actually it's more of a reading from my own book, "Acting Livid But Keeping Calm". It's a self-help book for rageaholics. It can also be used by angerholics and people addicted to fury, but I don't recommend it. This is the introduction to the book, and helps to explain my reasons behind writing it.

"My own underwater whirlpool began turning when I was 17. I was an only child, the only child of a divorce and the only child a of a very ugly divorce between two people that it was hard to imagine had ever truly loved each other. I was angry at them and once lashed out at my school by punching a deaf kid in the face. I tried to explain to him that that was what hearing felt like and that he must be recovering, but instead the headteacher demanded I be fitted with a device that tracked how angry I was, so that warnings could be given all around me.

For four months sirens blared and smoke was sent out from this device whenever it detected fury in my body. This had the added effect of being incredibly terrifying to anyone around me, but it also hindered my efforts to punish those I had deemed deserving of punishment."

Henry: Questions? Yes, you in the overcoat.

Jennifer: I'm not wearing an overcoat.

A siren on Henry's leg begins to whirl. Strange sounds begin to be heard.

Henry: [calmly] I was not referring to you, Madam.

Jennifer: Well, I too have a book to promote. My book is called "Season's Greetings Comrade". It's a self-help book for sufferers of mental illness. Now I know some people think people suffer from mental illness, but I enjoy it!

Stephen: Get out!

Jennifer: Hey, that's a funny joke!

Moral: WOMEN AREN'T FUNNY

Blasé Monsters

the forward thinking man has one eye on the prize

and one eye on his nuts

for what use is the price if you have nothing

nothing at all

to enjoy it with

the forward thinking man has two eyes on the prize

for he reasons that everyone else

will be too busy watching their own nuts

to go for other people's

So. It's been a while. But I need these breaks otherwise I'll stagnate and I might write scripts about the same things over and over. Any this next one involves a certain snake-themed superhero we all know and love I'm just kidding jesus you guys.

eh? what are you guys like.

Author feat Author

The lobby of a publishing house. Allen Bigsby is an author and is waiting. Cindy is a receptionist and Cranston Humberbatch-Potts is in his office.

Cindy: Mr Humberbatch-Potts will see you now.

Allen: Thanks.

Allen stands up and goes into the office.

Cranston: Mr Bigsby? How do you.

Allen: Just fine, Mr Humberbatch-Potts.

Cranston: Please that's far too unwieldy a name. Call me Cranston.

Allen: Sure sure.

Cranston: So. Otter and Castle Publishing House is very happy to be working with you.

Allen: I'm pleased. You liked the submission?

Cranston: Yes, very much so.

Allen: Just to go over it again, it's a murder mystery-

Cranston: I love it already!

Allen: You've already read it though.

Cranston: I read so many things. But not all of them by up and coming new authors like you!

Allen: [coughs] So. It's about a family who's father is murdered. It's about the relationships between the father and the rest of the family. [Cranston looks bored.] It's got a lot of uh...sexual tension.

Cranston: Hmmmm.

Allen: Racial...racial tension?

Cranston: Hmmm.

Allen: Racially sexual tension? Does that...does that work for you?

Cranston: Is this your first time working with a publishing house?

Allen: Well, an up and coming author has to surface somewhere. [nervous laughter]

Cranston: Quite. Well, I know that the houses you see on TV and all that portray our business in a certain light, yes, and that's all well and good. But here at Otter and Castle Publishing we generally don't have authors write an entire book their first time. We've always seen it as a little harsh asking someone to come up with a whole book at once. I mean a whole book! Who would ask for that?

Allen: I think in the past-

Cranston: Yes, but we mustn't dwell on the past! Now, we're going to bring in another literary genius like yourself to help you write your book.

Allen: So...so will he write murder mysteries?

Cranston: You could say that. You could very well say those words without it necessarily being true.

Allen: So this author knows about murders?

Cranston: He knows a lot about the "murders" of bad bicycle repair. So he "solves" these murders by writing books about bicycle repair.

Allen: Well in my book it's a father that gets murdered-

Cranston: It could be a bicycle!

Allen: Bicycles...I don't know how to make this clear without sounding patronising. Bicycles can't die.

Cranston: Hmm.

Allen: Or indeed, be killed.

Cranston: You'll have to talk about this with Yusef, your new writing partner.

Allen: Where will-

Cranston: My secretary will give you all my details. Now I have a very urgent meeting with a lady author! Going to write a book about sex. Sex? From a woman?

Allen: I hear they're often a big part of sex.

Cranston: Have fun with Yusef.

The next day, at the writing meeting with Yusef. They are together in a small room sitting opposite each other over a table.

Allen: So. You write books about bicycle repair?

Yusef: I will answer none of your questions.

Allen: Why no-

Yusef: Not unless you address me as the "Wordsmith Victorious".

Allen: You write books about bicycle repair, wordsmith victorious?

Yusef: That is the dream, Mr Bigsby.

Allen: So, do you know much about murder mysteries?

Yusef: I don't know, you didn't use my name.

Allen: You know much about murder mysteries, wordsmith victorious?

Yusef: Well I have only completed one.

Allen: You've only read one murder mystery book?

Yusef: I've only murdered one person.

Allen: That's uh

Yusef: A lot of people would judge me. Thanks you Mr Bigsby. You are a kindly soul.

Allen: Are you going to kill me?

Yusef: Only if this book is not entirely about bicycle repair.

Allen: I'll leave you to your work.

Anyway, the good part of this script was co-written by Paul Karl King, the sexiest beat poet in all of the frozen wastes of Canada.

The rest was written by John who got drunk and tried to get a girl at a party by shouting about nihilism. Life equals zero please sleep with me

cup...cup....Cup.....CUP...CUP...ah fuck it

So I'm out for my run and it is painful today. I was wondering how the weight goes out of me, and I realised: it's through pooing! I don't like that thought at all.

Anyway, I had an idea and here it is. It might be a long one; I had a lot of ideas to put in it.

The Flow of Information

A library. We see a wizard dressed in all blue clothing. He has a long beard.

Hydronicus: Greetings! I am Hydronicus, master of water!

Laura: Shhhh.

Hydronicus: Sorry.

Laura: How can I help you?

Hydronicus: Yesss, these books won't scan at the self-checkout?

Laura: Can I take a look at your card?

Hydronicus: Of course.

Laura scans the card. With a machine, not with like her eyes.

Laura: You've got some fines amounting to over £3. When it gets that high you can't borrow books.

Hydronicus: I...see.

Laura: So, do you want to pay the fines now?

Hydronicus: Oh I'll pay the fines. IN WATER. Drown in knowledge, scum!

Hydronicus recites a spell and all the books turn into cups of water.

Hydronicus: I don't want to get your floor wet. Someone could trip.

Steve: [Interrupting the story] Are you a mentalist?

Laura: That's an offensive term.

Steve: You know what? If you had just told us that a pipe burst, we would have believed you.

Laura: You don't believe me? Come down to the library this afternoon.

Later.

Steve: Well you've replaced the books with cups, but I don't see the big deal.

Laura: Drink this.

She hands him a cup. A label on the cup says "Of Mice and Men". Steve drinks nearly all of it.

Steve: Wow! They're going to get a farm. It's going to be okay. There'll be rabbits.

He finishes the drink and starts to cry.

Steve: Why'd Lenny have to die?

Laura: So. I think it's a good way for the library to operate.

Steve: How do you return books?

Library worker Paul and customer, Henry.

Henry: Got a return here.

Paul gets to his knees and cups his hands.

Paul: I'm moving to Spain.

In Spain.

Paul: Turns out my new job is just to get pissed on.

So, some lovely topical humour there. Also: librarians. And I based this on a true story.

Oh shit, yesterday's update should have been called "The Mane Attraction". I'm such a damn sexy, handsome idiot.