Return to Fire Island

Ha, not really. It is the return to Hand island, but before we do I have a tale to tell. Anyway, I was coming on the home straight on my run and I saw an advert at a bus stop. I think it may have been the same bus stop as I found the can of diet coke. Anyway the advert was for Cats and Dogs: the revenge of Kitty Galore. A sequel to the 2001 film, Cats and Dogs. That film wasn't very good and I highly doubt that this one will be either.

Anyway, scripty scripts.

The Mystery of Hand Island

A dark night on Hand Island. The moon shines down on the sands of the beach and the palm trees glisten with their secretive moisture. Two hand people (handy men?) meet in the dark. I won't use their names so as to add intrigue.

Steven: A secret worth keeping...

Hugo: Is a truth worth shouting.

Steven: I have news.

Hugo: Does it regard....the mystery?

Steven: Which one?

Hugo: YES

Steven: Ahaaa

Hugo: THERE ARE MANY MYSTERIES ON HAND ISLAND

Steven: Why are you shouting?

Hugo: Ahaaaa

Steven: Ahaaa

Hugo: Anyway, what did you want?

Steven: The history club is disbanded.

Hugo: Really?

Steven: Yeah, it's too expensive to rent that room.

Hugo: Shit man.

Steven: Yeah it's pretty shitty.

Hugo: See you later.

Narrator: THAT IS BUT ONE OF THE MANY MYSTERIES ON HAND ISLAND

Daytime on Hand Island.

Greg: Do you think this is my real head/hand?

Fred: Your tone suggests it isn't.

Greg: YOU WILL NEVER KNOW

Enter Cobra Man.

Cobra Man: What's going on?

Fred: Two things. One, you're a racist. Two, this guy is implying he has a fake head/hand.

Cobra Man: Ahaaa.

Narrator: ANOTHER MYSTERY

Cobra Man bites the man in the head/hand. He dies, for you see. IT WAS HIS REAL HEAD/HAND.

Narrator: One less mystery, however THERE ARE STILL INFINITE MYSTERIES.

Underground.

General Hackner: So this nuclear bomb would destroy the whole island if detonated.

Major Thrindel: Or improve the island beyond all reckoning.

Narrator: Truly, A MYSTERY

Bombs goes off, turns out it kills everyone.

A fitting end to the Hand island trilogy.

Messages for the two people who read my blog and leave comments like good readers:

Fenghar, did you know KC Green was from Oklahoma? You're from there right? That's kind of interesting.

Sarah, I don't have a message for you, but would it kill you to go on the forum more and be more appreciative of me? I'm dying.

I mean we're all dying but I got this feeling like I'm gonna do somethin' crazy

Change and Change Again You Hordes; Madmen, Demons and Angels

Boom boom, friends. Anyway the pathetic attempt at the epic was kind of awful, but anyway. Finished The Republic, about to read The Symposium. Expect me to advocate sexing up young boys in the near future.

Anyway, tonight we're going to retread old terrority i.e. Cobra man also the island of people made of hands.

None of us have got Arms

Cobra man uses his snakely powers to get aboard a ship to the isle of people made of hands. I expect he is looking to score some dope crunk.

Cobra Man: This hold is cramped as some shit, motha' f'ck'r.

Above deck.

Captain Stewart: What was that?

Master Bates: Sounded like a poorly thought out superhero complaining.

Captain Stewart: Haha, your name is masturbate! Also I thought all of the superheroes had died.

Master Bates: It seems John forgot that Cobra Man died in his inaugural script.

Captain Stewart: I don't...

Sailor: What's he going to say?

Rigsman: I don't know, but I bet it will be insightful.

Sailor: I can't imagine something that isn't.

Rigsman: Our captain is naught if not a man with a high place in his heart for words.

Captain Stewart: care.

Sailor: Well that's my expectations confounded.

Rigsman: AS MINE.

Crowsnest.

Ol' Bill: LAND HOY

Captain Stewart: We have GPS, Bill!

Ol' Bill: I HATE THE GPS THE VOICE IS SO CONDESCENDING

Captain Stewart: Bill, I don't like you.

Ol' Bill: Captain, my feelings for you cannot be expressed with mere words.

Captain Stewart: The answer is no, Bill.

Ol' Bill: I bought a ring.

Captain Stewart: Oop well we've reached land so we have to do the reaching land ritual where I shoot someone.

Rigsman: We've never done that before.

Captain Stewart shoots Ol' Bill.

Captain Stewart: You know what, the reaching land ritual is dumb lets not do it again, we agreed?

Cobra man: [tired and out of breath] Yes, it is a barbaric custom.

Captain Stewart: WHA

Cobra man: It is I, back from the grave.

Captain Stewart: Which one?

Cobra man: The original, however I have forgotten my name, probably due to the resurrection process (Lazerus pit?).

Captain Stewart: Get off my ship.

Cobra man: Okay.

Later.

Cobra man: Urrghhh you people are made of hands!

Henry: That's racist.

Cobra man: You look weird.

Henry: Maybe I think you look weird.

Cobra man: Whatever you're made of hands.

Did you notice how I didn't utilise cobra man's powers at all? It's called character development and I am expert in it. Anyway, this might be the first time I have continued an idea over two updates and I wouldn't be surprised if tomorrow's script didn't finish this story.

I also wouldn't be surprised if this was the last time we saw Cobra man. Did you notice Captain Stewart? In my mind his first name was Patrick. I forgot the name of the character he played in Star Trek.

Anyway, fuck you I don't care

Short post is Short

But long post is long and today is long post. I start with a warning. This one will be long. Really fucking long. This is a challenge for myself, it is a challenge for you, but we will all come out of it stronger. I will say a prayer and then begin. You must read it all or the ending won't make any sense at all.

Archipelago

A narrator. Naked except for a stripe of red paint vertically down his body.

Narrator: Tonight is a story in 5 chapters. And thrusting towards them is me.

CLOSE UP OF PENIS

Narrator: Our first land is a city, where everyone is made of hands. We go now to Palmama.

A bunch of people made of hands.

Steve: Hey, Lucy.

Lucy: [Nervous] Hey, Steve.

Steve: Wanna hold hands?

Lucy slaps Steve.

Steve: I meant your outer hands!

Lucy: Oh! I'm so sorry.

Steve: It's okay, baby.

Later.

Steve: And...and what if there are people out there that aren't hands?

Lucy: How would they hold things?

Steve: They might hold...less things.

Lucy: Steve, you're such a wonderer.

Narrator: I HOPE AT NO POINT YOU ARE FORGETTING THEY ARE MADE OF HANDS.

Lucy: Hold my hand, Steve. I'm ready.

Steve: Your outer hand or like...

Lucy: My innermost hand.

Narrator: THIS IS DISGUSTING. Actually I kind of want to see their art.

Hand-Renoir: I 'ave made this!

It's a hand turkey.

Narrator: The next island is one where everyone always agrees with each other.

Nick: Hello, Emily.

Emily: Yes.

Nick: Yes.

Emily: Yes.

Nick: Yes.

Narrator: Also, they're beings of pure light.

Arthur: Greetings, Nick.

Nick: Yes.

Emily: Yes.

Arthur: I represent greatness.

Emily: I too represent greatness.

Nick: I represent grandiosity.

Arthur: Heretic.

Nick: Yes.

Narrator: The next island is composed of old men.

Merkel: Lemon Party!

Thomas: You're a freak, Merkel.

Merkel: Skreee!

Thomas: I declare war on you!

Samuel: I declare war on you!

Steven: WAR

Stefan: On you most certainly!

Orgy.

Narrator: Here, war means sex. And lemon party means violence. I should have explained earlier. Our next land is populated by island-goers.

Bungo: Have a cocktail.

Bongo: I will have a cocktail.

Hungo: The sun is very delightful.

Jengo: Guys! We live on a peninsula. What we're doing is racist!

All: Noooooooo!

Before the discovery of the land bridge.

Setarata: This is like, an island.

Henry: Let's black up!

Setarata: Henry that's racist.

Henry: Call me Bongo, woman!

Narrator: Woah there. Lots of people live on islands and aren't brutes. Take the japanese for example. No one else wants them. HAHAHA.

Racism.

Narrator: Anyway, the next race of people hate the pope and also the islands don't all tie together I win.

Oh yeah, how you like me now? How you like me now I make you read too much?

It was painful to write and my groin hurts now.

THE COLD BITES THE FLESH

THE FLESH BITES THE SELF. THE SELF BITES THE SELF THE SELF THE SELF BITES THE SELF.

Yeah, anyway. Going to a week long drama thing, but also hoping to see inception tomorrow. Just went for a run, got ma ideas on and this one is set in an office. What was that sound? It was your mind. You are truly awake for the first time in your life.

Ah Believe!

An office. A meeting. A dashing young man is presenting to the companies board of directors.

John: I tell you a story! Of a dreamer. And there is a twist at the end. You will be surprised.

François: And you see, if we take a risk, we only run the risk...OF SUCCESS

John: François' words were powerful. But what does Mr Green think?

Mr Green: Well yes, but we must think of the company.

John: FUCK YOU MR GREEN

François: To HELL with the company!

John: François, let's run away together. We'll buy an orchard and you can sing me songs and buy me shoes.

Mr Smith: Isn't there any way we can incorporate your ideas in a safer way?

François: I don't know if there's any way to trial it without revealing its whole nature.

John: Your hair is beautiful, François. Do you use like a conditioner?

François: You're a production company, you take risk!

Ms Harman: We take risk, but we can't show child pornography.

John: But that's the best kind of pornography!

François: There's artistic justification! The child pornography is but the final note of a visual crescendo.

John: Oh, François, your words. They

Mr Smith: But there are others out there who only revel in the destruction of art via the masses. They can't be reasoned with because they don't reason with reason.

John: They intoxicate me.

François: I have a gun!

François pulls out a knife.

Mr Green: That's not a gun!

John: This is a gun!

He pulls out a gun and shoots everyone in the scene before pointing the gun at himself.

John: The twist? I AM FRANÇOIS!

OH MY GOD DID ANYONE SEE THAT COMING?

Shit I forgot to put weed comedy in with the office comedy. Goddammit I am so stupid.

tangerine

Mary Sue? OH NO I HATE LITIGATION

So, it rained for four days. It's July. IT'S JULY!!!

Which means I can't run because running in the rain isn't a fun experience, i.e. I get cold. Anyway, this is based on an idea I had a long time ago.

Script

Meeting room. Writers and producers are meeting.

John: So, you've read the script, any notes?

Mr Blah: Scene 2.

John: Yes, the scene with an attractive lady.

Mr Bluh: Do you mind if we read it out.

John: Not at all.

Mr Bleh: *Ahem*

"John: Hello, Sophie.

Sophie: Why hello, John. What a...pleasant surprise.

John: Yes it is. And it's good that this isn't a tv show.

Sophie: No no, this isn't a tv show. This is real life that is being recorded.

John: And we're going to have sex.

Sophie: Yes we are, because you're so good at sex. "

Mr Bloh: This scene continues for 10 pages.

John: I think it's important for the viewer to realise that I am literally and truly having sex with this woman.

Mr Blaaaa: You said you were gay!

John: Yes I...er...that is to say, yes. I did say that. Because I meant it. I love penises?

Mr Bleeen: John. It's peni.

John: NOOOOOOOOOOOO

Mr Blup: We can't have someone who isn't gay working in television. NOW GET OUT

John: I'm writing about this in my blog.

None of that actually happened, except for the scene with all the sex. That's autobiographical. (THAT MEANS IT'S TRUE)

Also, fenghar if you're reading this, I would like to move the recording session either forward or back an hour.

OH GOD WHY

So this next script is one that Sarah and I performed for a podcast and then audacity crashed and fuck fuck fuck you audacity. So here it is, reprinted for posterity.

Space War 1969

The moon.Two astronauts are talking amongst themselves.

Buzz: Ain't the moon beautiful, Neil?

Neil: That she is, Buzz.

Buzz: [pointing at the ground] Good lord! What's that?

Neil: It looks like some kind of hammer.

Buzz: Strange thing to find on the moon. And look at this footprint. A large, metal man must have stood here.

Buzz: And over there! More footprints. And a sickle. What does this mean?

Neil: Hold on, Buzz. Don't follow the prints yet.

Buzz: Why not, Neil?

Neil: Because I've got a sneaking suspicion that the robo-communists have followed us to the moon.

DUN DUN DUHHHH. Cut to robo-communists.

Marxbot: HA HA HA. TODAY WILL WITNESS THE RISE OF THE ROBO-COMMUNISTS.

Leninbot: YES.

Marxbot: YES.

Leninbot: YES.

Marxbot: YES.

Leninbot: YES.

Maxbot: YES.

Leninbot: YES.

Enter Neil and Buzz.

Neil: Ice to see you.

Marxbot: What

Buzz: It's chilling.

Leninbot: I do not understand.

Marxbot: MALFUNCTION MALFUNCTION.

The robots explode.

Neil: See, Buzz. Communism just doesn't work.

Both: Ahahahahahahahahaha bleep blorp zam clam.

Anyway, tomorrow will witness the rise of me.

Ceaseless Reconnaissance

Sooo, thought of this on Monday and posting this on Friday. Good job John. Good job.

UHHHH Here is something about my day, I stayed in bed until noon and then pretended I thought it was Saturday to explain why I didn't go to school. I don't know if I'm happy or sad that my dad believes me.

An Eternity of Gazing

A children's television show. Sam and Elisa are children and are playing on a hill 'neath a tree.

Sam: Gosh, playing is fun.

Elisa: Yes, rather.

Enter Clyde and Claudia. They are clouds.

Clyde: Hello! I am Clyde. I am a cloud.

Sam: Hello, Clyde.

Claudia: Hello! I am Claudia. I am a cloud.

Elisa: Hello, Claudia.

Clyde: We are always watching you.

Claudia: Always.

Sam: That makes me feel so safe.

Clyde: We can never be destroyed.

Elisa: Wow! An invincible friend.

The tree comes alive. It has a hideous face.

Trevor: I live so near to your house. My branches can destroy bricks with ease.

Sam: So if ever I was in danger alone in my bedroom at night you could enter.

Trevor: AT ANY TIME.

Elisa: Spiffing!

Clyde: We love you.

Claudia: SOMETIMES YOU MUST HURT WHAT YOU LOVE.

Sam: We understand.

Trevor: [Looking down the camera lens.] We are real. We are real.

So that was my thing about children's television.

God I'm not funny.

I writ this at da Bus Stop

Too gangsta fo you. Anyway, I can PROMISE that from now on there will be a new sketch every monday AT THE VERY LEAST. So, we are all happy that way. Anyway here is today's script that I wrote on Friday at the bus stop.

On fancy pants paper.

The Thrill of Complaint

A dystopian future.

Man: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGHHHHHH

ALL OUR WORST FEARS

Woman: Oh no!

HAVE COME TO PASS

Man: The mail warned us about this! I have 5 wheelie bins and I have put them out on different days!

Child: why father

Man: THE PC BRIGADE

Woman: You can't even stab your children anymore.

MEDDLING BUSYBODIES

Man: There are speed cameras everywhere! I can't even speed!

Dan: But accidents have gone down. There are less child deaths!

DAN SHUT UP YOU ARE A PAEDO

Dan: [Leers]

IT'S NOTHING LIKE THE 50s.

Man: This is Blair's Britain!

Child: [cries]

So. Exciting new images thing and stuff.

Amazing. Anyway I had a good idea today which I'm going to post tomorrow and you'll all laugh and hahah ahahahahahaha.

That'll be you.

Completely in Mourning, Asshole

So, went for my run. Saw two rabbits. Unfazed by my talking, they carried on their shenanigans. Sexiest rabbits I have ever seen.

The Devil's Greatest Lie
A TV channel.

Announcer: Welcome back to the Atheism channel. Up next is the ever popular, Bible Contradictions.

Titles of Bible Contradictions. Two hosts, Bernard and Heretica, are sitting in their couches.

Heretica: Hello, welcome to Bible Contradictions.

Bernard: BIBLE CONTRADICTION NUMBER ONE!

Heretica: Genesis states that it is a sin to "spill thy seed on the ground".

Bernard: Earlier, IN THE SAME BOOK, it is said that the human race is made out of dust.

Heretica: AN OBVIOUS CONTRADICTION.

Pleasing jazz music.

Bernard: BIBLE CONTRADICTION NUMBER TWO!

Heretica: The book of Matthew states that Jesus was raised from the dead.

Bernard: But later, IN THE SAME BOOK, it is said that Jesus was resurrected from the dead.

Heretica: Which is it? Get your story straight before you try to vomit it in our faces!

Pleasant jazz music.

Bernard: BIBLE CONTRADICTION NUMBER THREE

Heretica: The Bible says that Jesus is the son of god.

Bernard: BUT USING THE VERY SAME METHOD OF WRITING, the Qur'an says he is a prophet of god.

Heretica: Which is it?

Bernard: SORT IT OUT RELIGIONISTS.

They are both struck by lightning.

Remember when I wrote comedy sketches?

Those were good times.

Walk your Dog; Exercise your Meat

People walk their dogs on the route that I like to run. It's irritating. Anyway, here's a type of sketch I pull out when it's not a revolutionary idea. Hopefully I've put enough of a twist on it that my job couldn't be done by some sort of algorithm.

Tipping the Scales

A restaurant. A waiter is taking orders from a group of 4 people. Enter robbers.

Robber: Don't be a hero!

Jason Baines: Okay, let me go get the money from this supply cupboard where we keep the thousands of money.

Mile-mannered Jason Baines steps into the cupboard. A man dressed in a snakeskin leotard with a domino mask comes out.

The Cobra: I am the mighty cobra!

Robber: Oh no!

Also Robber: The plan has gone awry!

The Cobra does snakey things and the robbers are knocked out? It's difficult to make this funny in text.

The Cobra: Very well, everyone! Back to my home planet, Indiatron!

The Cobra points out of the window and while everyone looks he goes into the supply cupboard. Mild-mannered Jason Baines exits the supply cupboard.

Jason Baines: Wow, the Cobra was here!

Everyone: msdfhsyessdiguesshhsowhatouynysdhsfdweallsawhimyoufuckingidiot.

Later in a supermarket. The same robbers as before try to rob the supermarket. Mild-mannered Jason Baines ducks into a freezer and emerges as the Cobra!

The Cobra: Stop, evildoers!

Robber: Eat lead, cobra.

The Cobra does so and dies. Mild-mannered Bernard Hastings is nearby.

Bernard Hastings: I shall take up your mantle. I shall be the New Cobra!

Transforms. His costume is much edgier and by that I mean you can see his penis.

JUST THE TIP

New Cobra: Halt, evildoers.

Robber: Haha, he only has the powers of a cobra, we will dispatch him like we did the last one.

The robber shoots New Cobra, just like the first Cobra if you understand metaphors, you fucking hippy. Get a job.

New Cobra: You couldn't be more wrong! I have all the powers of not-cobra. I shall dispatch you by having lots of legs.

He does so.

New Cobra: Anyone want to thank me for my deed?

Child: Can you make your head fan out like a cobra?

New Cobra: Haha, no. But I can do the opposite!

New Cobra accidentally squashes his brain and dies.

I imagine everyone would glare at the child. I know I would if they'd just killed our one bright point of hope.

I think the rule is he has to take up his mantle.