There is no god and I am proof.

Monday, 31 May 2010

Hey Sheeple

So it's been two weeks and I have definitely gained back the weight I lost from running. FUN. Anyway I went running again and it was fucking amazing. The cold, the motion, the music.

I think now we might have two sketches. But both closely related because I couldn't think of a way to merge the two and they both come from the same idea. YOU'RE WELCOME AMERICA

Take that, BUSH
The UN. An alien spacecraft is landing. The aliens get out and move towards the leaders of earth. They are green. The Earth representative is called Jackson.

Grox: Salutations!

Jackson: Welcome to Earth!

Grox: And we in turn welcome you into a galaxy of marvels. What you have accomplished in these past weeks is what caused the Galactic Alliance to recognise Earth as a Category 5 developing planet.

Jackson: This is excellent news. Do you mind if we begin exchanging information at once?

Grox: This too is our desire. We take great pleasure in delivering knowledge.

Several hours have passed. There is a mix of aliens and humans around the negotiating table.

Tyez: -and the invention of reality television.

Robert: So...all those things are a prerequisite for a species to join the alliance?

Tyez: Yes and you completed the last one some of your "weeks" ago. Distributing your precious fuels amongst some of the less privileged species on your planet was an act of great generosity.

Robert: Uhh

Jackson: Well, that clears up most things for tonight. We could all use some rest. Grox, do you mind if I speak to you personally?

Grox: Not at all.

Jackson: Great.

They are walking outside.

Jackson: You know all those crazy conspiracy theories about aliens being Jesus and everything?

Grox: You figured it out?

Jackson: Those are true? Did you kill JFK as well?

Grox: Yes.

Jackson: Why? Is it because without those things we wouldn't evolve into a category 5 planet?

Grox: No. It was for a much higher cause than that. You know qxbpplp? That's why.

Jackson: Is that a place?

Grox: It's a concept.

Jackson: I'm sorry, could you explain it?

Grox: Of course, it's just like sheeeeeeecklp.

Jackson: Shit.

Grox: That's not the reaction we were expecting.

Jackson: It's out of surprise. Qxbpplp, you say? That explains everything. I shall get this out to everyone at once.

Grox: Phew, that could have been embarrassing.

200 years in the future. A future high school. Everyone is wearing just tight underwear and neon boots. They are also wearing neon shark fins. Aliens and humans are mixing.

Mr Helx: So today we are going to learn about qxbpplp. The most important piece of culure that we share with the humans. Michael, can you explain qxbpplp?

Michael: Of course! It's just like sheeeeeeecklp.

Mr Helx: Well, you're going to have to be more specific in your essay due at the end of this week. It is the principle on which the universe's philosophies are built upon. Without qxbpplp, we live in a meaningless world.

Michael: I love qxbpplp.

A tear rolls down Mr Helx's HUMAN face.

Oh man, did you see that ending coming? No, you didn't. In fact neither did I because I'd already written an ending in my head and it turned out different as I was writing it. I'm not sure which ending I like better, but this one I got to work in the future fashion trends. It's all shark fins and boots.

And now the second of the alien scripts. Oh god why do I punish myself so. Is it because I was away for two weeks and feel I owe you a bumped update? Yes. Yes it is and fuck. Also the next one is going to be short, please future John please just make it short so we can sleep.



A group of aliens appears in a busy street. Any quote marks are done with the hand gesture too.

Alkc: Hey, we're "aliens".

Ygrnt: This is our fantastic "technology".

Henry: Nice try.

Joseph: Yeah, that's not how you do irony.

Henry: Irony is when something bad happens so you just go damn that's ironic.

Ygrnt: I guess we don't know what irony means!

Henry: Yeah, that's really common around here. Hang out with us and we'll show you the ropes.


Joseph: This is so ironic.

Henry: Getting raped by aliens is pretty ironic.

Shot of the alien rape. It is horrific. I would do a drawing but all I can think of at the moment is sexy orgies and I would advise you do too. It is bringing me great pleasure but also slowing down my typing. Oh shit I think I ended the script I need to get out of italics otherwise I haven't finished.


Anyway, I hope we all learned that aliens are actually just Jesus lookin' pimp.



Anonymous said...

Marry me, John.

Apocalyptus said...

We already wear tight underwear, neon boots and shark fins in Australia.You guys are just living in the past...