There is no god and I am proof.

Thursday, 13 May 2010

I am simultaneously writing and not writing

So I jumped up on a wall and then I slipped and fell off the wall but luckily I landed on my feet and also my hands stopped my face from hitting the wall and I was fine. That doesn't have anything to do with the script. I just thought I'd gain the sympathy of the reader before I begin. Then maybe I'll get those pity laughs that I crave.

I crave them so hard.

But a Man
An office situation. Stan is a guy in a shirt and tie. Also trousers. I mean I would have thought that you would have assumed that, but I had to tell you. God damn.

Anyway these guys call Stan into a room. They're behind a desk like in an interview.

Oliver: Come in, Stan.

Stan: Hi, guys.

Tina: Hello, Stan. We've got two pieces of good news for you.

Peter: You've been selected for that promotion.

Stan: With -

Oliver: With the raise.

Stan: And -

Oliver: And the car.

Stan: [Smiling] So what's the other piece of good news?

Peter: Henry!

Enter Henry.

Peter: Henry will be shadowing you to remind that all glory is fleeting.

Stan: I guess that could be...useful.

Tina: Oh more than useful. We've ran the figures. This will result in you being more productive in a managerial context.

Cut to two guys working on a computer program.

Jack: Have you run those numbers yet?

Ross: hahaha

Jack: hahahaha. Fuck, man.

Ross: Give me another hit of that.

Jack: Sure.

Back to the office.

Oliver: Anyway, he'll be following you around now. Also he reminds you all glory is fleeting by making all glory fleeting.

Stan: So he's not going to just tell me?


Stan: Yup.

Henry: R-tard.

Cut to: Stan has just finished a presentation.

Stan: And as you can see, our department has managed to increase sales and cut costs.

CEO: That's very impressive. Stan, was it?

Stan: Yes, sir.

Henry: He masturbates at work.

Stan: No I don't.

CEO: You would say that.

Henry: He thinks about shoes while he's doing it.

CEO: Gross, man. How'd you find out?

Henry and the CEO start whispering to each other, occasionally glancing over to Stan and laughing.

CEO: Yeah, so anyway we're docking your pay.

Stan: Why?

CEO: I'm not saying outloud. It's fuckin' gross, man.

Henry: Damn right.

Montage of Henry making things difficult for Stan. I mean beyond what you just read. You can tell what he's doing even though there's no sound. Actually maybe there is sound. I'll let whoever is in charge of this bit figure it out.

Alone in the office.

Stan: Henry?

Henry: Yep, Stan.

Stan: I hate you so much Henry.

Henry: Do you?

Henry takes off his mask to reveal he is Tina.

Tina: This was an elaborate test.

Stan: Did I pass?

Tina: I don't remember. The actual test was a long time ago. I just never found a good time to put a stop to the whole Henry thing.

Stan: I'm still manager right?

Tina: We'll let the computer whizkids decide.

Computer guys.

Jack: You do that thing?

Ross: Hahahahahaha

Jack: dude

So. Comedy about weed. This is the first time I have written that and probably the last time. But seriously people with jobs in computing need to do more weed.

Seems like the code would be better. I don't know how. Maybe the arrays would be in the form of smiley faces?

I know nothing about code.


Anonymous said...


Apocalyptus said...

I'm glad your face didn't hit the wall, but you shouldn't be jumping up on them in the first place young man.

John said...

I'll jump on whatever I want.

Apocalyptus said...

We'll see about that... we'll just see...