It's totally hilarious

A band is on stage. They are about to start playing. The manager is up there and is about to introduce them.

Manager: May I present...the John Wayne Experiment!

Frontman: We're not called that anymore.

Manager: What?

Frontman: We're not called that anymore.

Manger: What are you called, then?

Frontman: We haven't decided yet.

Keyboard player runs up and takes the mike.

Keyboard: I've decided, we're called the Dead President's Society!

Crowd cheers.

Frontman: I've told you we're not called that!

Keyboard: And I've told you, we are!

They scuffle, manager breaks it up.

Manager: Does it really matter what you're called?

Frontman: Actually, yes. Yes it does matter, because we're called Club Armstrong.

Manager: No, you're not.

Frontman: Why not?

Keyboard: Cause we're not poofters that's why not!

Manager: I won't have homophobia in this band!

Keyboard: Oh yeah, and who's going to stop me? Your boyfriend?

Manager: Clarence is a pacifist and you know that!

Keyboard: Sorry. I overstepped the mark.

Manager: Yes. Well.

They look at the floor. Shot of the crowd looking confused.

Manager: Will you accept a hug from an old homosexual?

Frontman: I...I think we'd all like that.

They all hug.

Right, that was a proper script. I've proved to myself that I can still write and that's good. I actually thought that bump on the head had made me not be creative anymore. Or creative in a different way.

I have no fears except of people lurking around my house.

Like, totally a blog post

I have just watched Morris Dance Off. It was great and now a short script by esteemed writer John Evans. He is trying to write without stopping, and I think this will go well for him.

Janice: Hello, Janice.

Janice: Talking to yourself? Again Janice?

Janice: I couldn't help it. It was the only path left.

Enter Tyrone.

Tyrone: But not the only path for me.

They embrace.

Janice: When-

Tyrone: As soon as I heard about-

Janice: No! Don't-

Tyrone: About the email.

Janice: Noooooooo! No one was supposed to know!

Tyrone: Janice, it's out there and it's true.

Janice: How can it be, when I'm...here?

Tyrone: I'm sorry.

John has started writing in a perculiar style. I think it's very easy comedy to write for me, this talking without saying anything much style. I've already done a sketch like this, but I think that this one is going to have to be last one. Ideas are probably better than just rambling.

Unless of course BBC comedy likes rambling.

Please buy my script BBC. Please!

A Drama

This is part of the Foot Theatre thing, but if that falls through it's still usable as a script.

Janice: But, RICKY!

Ricky: But nothing, Janice. I'm going.

Janice: RICKY! Don't go. Don't go RICKY!

Ricky: I'm sorry, Janice, I'm sorry. But we all gotta go sometime. My times now.

Janice: You think that Ricky, but I know you feel different. 

Ricky: Janice, I love you.

Janice: Then why don't you stay?

Ricky: I...love another woman...yeah that'll do.

Janice: But...but why?

Ricky: I know it, Janice. I know it.

Steven: Hello chaps!

Ricky: Fuck off, Steven.

Janice: Yeah, Steven.

Exit Steven.

Ricky: What a nob.

Janice: What were you saying?

Ricky: I was saying Janice...that I love you!

Janice: Oh, RICKY!

Foot Theatre

Woooh. Ideas.

Under the Sea. A little bit gay.

Space. Already been done, but it could be good.

In the City. A gangster play. That sounds amazing. I'm going to write that, then. Oh wait, that requires a big cast of people. Not feet.

I shall instead do a parody of Television.

The Snowman Cometh

Snow.

Foot Theatre

Every year I write a Foot Theatre and every year they are a bit shit because I don't plan them. The last two were, in order, medieval and in the future, so I think I need to set something in the present.

Maybe take the piss out of Keith William's plays.

That would be funny. Right, his plays are set in Newcastle and they have lots of songs in. And they're too long. I think I can only do the first one. Thats not good for a parody, I shall have to abandon that idea.

Follow me

Can you follow?

Can you follow it through?

Follow.

Follow.

Follow.

Me.

Kicks In.

Boom: Woah.

Tick Tock: Yes.

Band: It hurts.

Tin Man: Only me.

Tick Tock: Only us.

Boom: Only darkness.

Band: Follow.

ASCII: /||\

Band: That was crap.

Boom: Boom.

Tick Tock: Boom x 2.

Boom: Comedy starts now.

Rabbits

Everyone loves rabbits alright, so this sketch should get me the popular vote. You know, the people that normalwieser watch Two Pints.

Greg: Hello, Craig.

Craig: Hello Greg. You are gay.

Pause for laughter.

Craig: I saw you watch High School Musical. Do you want to sex me?

Greg: Oh no. What you saw was a hilarious misunderstanding.

Craig: Look at my green cock!

Craig begins to jump on the table waving his willy around. It is green.

Craig: I ate loads of coins. Isn't that MENTAL?

Greg: It is mental. Or is metal?

Craig: That was the wrong balance.

Enter the Joke Police.

Joke Police: We heard there was a disturbance.

Craig: Yeah, Greg used the wrong kind of humour. We normally go for the shitty references and the shock gags, but the guy used a pun.

Joke Police: Okay. We know what we're doing. Greg, it's time to come with us now. We'll take you away from here and put you in a nice intellectual comedy.

Greg: I...I'd like that.

Right, that was very exploratory and it got away from me for a while, but I think by the end I wrestled it into submission. Death to the tea-makers. Woah, that was too random. I don't like that kind of humour and it sort of came out.

Camels.

Stop it.

Under Pressure at the Company

That most harrowing of jobs - designing games for children. We join Brad and Tony, brothers, friends, game designers.

Brad and Tony are in their office.

Brad: Damn it, Tony! I need those numbers.

Tony: Brad, I ain't got those numbers!

Brad: What are you talking about? Of course you got the numbers. I was there when you were getting them!

Tony: Well maybe they weren't the right numbers!

They both pause. They are breathing heavily.

Brad: (In a low, slow and quiet tone) Do you mean to tell me...do you mean to tell me that these aren't our numbers!?

Tony: They were the first numbers I could think of. They're not accurate, they're not from the right focus group.

Brad: Well I can tell that. (he pauses). Damn it, Tony!

Brad smashes a glass against a wall.

Tony: I'm not the only one who made mistakes today, Brad.

Brad: (Clearly lying) I don't know what you're talking about, Tony.

Tony: We both know what I'm talking about, Brad.

Brad: You don't know what you're talking about!

Tony: Damn it, Brad, if only I didn't! (sighs) Maybe you're just not cut out for the company.

Brad: You knew I was right for the company when we formed it together, Tony.

Tony: I used to know a lot of things back then. And I'm not sure I can do it anymore.

Brad: You know what, Tony?

Tony: What, Brad?

Brad: I used to know a lot of things too.

Brad turns away from Tony and begins to walk away. Tony pulls out a gun.

Tony: Going so soon, Brad?

Brad: It doesn't have to end like this, Tony.

Tony: We both knew where this was going a long time ago.

Brad pulls out a gun.

Brad: I've always known where this was going, Tony.

Both Brad and Tony shoot each other.

I think this script will win an award for Best Acting as it is the perfect script to act in as you get to act lots of different emotions and different facial expressions and it has lots of drama. I wrote it to be believable.

Inspector

Let me set the scene for you. It's dark, there's no-one around and then out of nowhere walks a trench coated man. He sidles up to you. You don't know what to do and then he comes out with this.

Inspector: I heard you had a problem. Seems I only hear about problems these days.

City Names

Trembleton - This name is a bit shakey.

The Small Apple - Because - ha ha - New York is called the BIG apple so we though we could...

Chester - Who names a town chester?