THE COLD BITES THE FLESH

THE FLESH BITES THE SELF. THE SELF BITES THE SELF THE SELF THE SELF BITES THE SELF.

Yeah, anyway. Going to a week long drama thing, but also hoping to see inception tomorrow. Just went for a run, got ma ideas on and this one is set in an office. What was that sound? It was your mind. You are truly awake for the first time in your life.

Ah Believe!

An office. A meeting. A dashing young man is presenting to the companies board of directors.

John: I tell you a story! Of a dreamer. And there is a twist at the end. You will be surprised.

François: And you see, if we take a risk, we only run the risk...OF SUCCESS

John: François' words were powerful. But what does Mr Green think?

Mr Green: Well yes, but we must think of the company.

John: FUCK YOU MR GREEN

François: To HELL with the company!

John: François, let's run away together. We'll buy an orchard and you can sing me songs and buy me shoes.

Mr Smith: Isn't there any way we can incorporate your ideas in a safer way?

François: I don't know if there's any way to trial it without revealing its whole nature.

John: Your hair is beautiful, François. Do you use like a conditioner?

François: You're a production company, you take risk!

Ms Harman: We take risk, but we can't show child pornography.

John: But that's the best kind of pornography!

François: There's artistic justification! The child pornography is but the final note of a visual crescendo.

John: Oh, François, your words. They

Mr Smith: But there are others out there who only revel in the destruction of art via the masses. They can't be reasoned with because they don't reason with reason.

John: They intoxicate me.

François: I have a gun!

François pulls out a knife.

Mr Green: That's not a gun!

John: This is a gun!

He pulls out a gun and shoots everyone in the scene before pointing the gun at himself.

John: The twist? I AM FRANÇOIS!

OH MY GOD DID ANYONE SEE THAT COMING?

Shit I forgot to put weed comedy in with the office comedy. Goddammit I am so stupid.

tangerine

Mary Sue? OH NO I HATE LITIGATION

So, it rained for four days. It's July. IT'S JULY!!!

Which means I can't run because running in the rain isn't a fun experience, i.e. I get cold. Anyway, this is based on an idea I had a long time ago.

Script

Meeting room. Writers and producers are meeting.

John: So, you've read the script, any notes?

Mr Blah: Scene 2.

John: Yes, the scene with an attractive lady.

Mr Bluh: Do you mind if we read it out.

John: Not at all.

Mr Bleh: *Ahem*

"John: Hello, Sophie.

Sophie: Why hello, John. What a...pleasant surprise.

John: Yes it is. And it's good that this isn't a tv show.

Sophie: No no, this isn't a tv show. This is real life that is being recorded.

John: And we're going to have sex.

Sophie: Yes we are, because you're so good at sex. "

Mr Bloh: This scene continues for 10 pages.

John: I think it's important for the viewer to realise that I am literally and truly having sex with this woman.

Mr Blaaaa: You said you were gay!

John: Yes I...er...that is to say, yes. I did say that. Because I meant it. I love penises?

Mr Bleeen: John. It's peni.

John: NOOOOOOOOOOOO

Mr Blup: We can't have someone who isn't gay working in television. NOW GET OUT

John: I'm writing about this in my blog.

None of that actually happened, except for the scene with all the sex. That's autobiographical. (THAT MEANS IT'S TRUE)

Also, fenghar if you're reading this, I would like to move the recording session either forward or back an hour.

OH GOD WHY

So this next script is one that Sarah and I performed for a podcast and then audacity crashed and fuck fuck fuck you audacity. So here it is, reprinted for posterity.

Space War 1969

The moon.Two astronauts are talking amongst themselves.

Buzz: Ain't the moon beautiful, Neil?

Neil: That she is, Buzz.

Buzz: [pointing at the ground] Good lord! What's that?

Neil: It looks like some kind of hammer.

Buzz: Strange thing to find on the moon. And look at this footprint. A large, metal man must have stood here.

Buzz: And over there! More footprints. And a sickle. What does this mean?

Neil: Hold on, Buzz. Don't follow the prints yet.

Buzz: Why not, Neil?

Neil: Because I've got a sneaking suspicion that the robo-communists have followed us to the moon.

DUN DUN DUHHHH. Cut to robo-communists.

Marxbot: HA HA HA. TODAY WILL WITNESS THE RISE OF THE ROBO-COMMUNISTS.

Leninbot: YES.

Marxbot: YES.

Leninbot: YES.

Marxbot: YES.

Leninbot: YES.

Maxbot: YES.

Leninbot: YES.

Enter Neil and Buzz.

Neil: Ice to see you.

Marxbot: What

Buzz: It's chilling.

Leninbot: I do not understand.

Marxbot: MALFUNCTION MALFUNCTION.

The robots explode.

Neil: See, Buzz. Communism just doesn't work.

Both: Ahahahahahahahahaha bleep blorp zam clam.

Anyway, tomorrow will witness the rise of me.

Ceaseless Reconnaissance

Sooo, thought of this on Monday and posting this on Friday. Good job John. Good job.

UHHHH Here is something about my day, I stayed in bed until noon and then pretended I thought it was Saturday to explain why I didn't go to school. I don't know if I'm happy or sad that my dad believes me.

An Eternity of Gazing

A children's television show. Sam and Elisa are children and are playing on a hill 'neath a tree.

Sam: Gosh, playing is fun.

Elisa: Yes, rather.

Enter Clyde and Claudia. They are clouds.

Clyde: Hello! I am Clyde. I am a cloud.

Sam: Hello, Clyde.

Claudia: Hello! I am Claudia. I am a cloud.

Elisa: Hello, Claudia.

Clyde: We are always watching you.

Claudia: Always.

Sam: That makes me feel so safe.

Clyde: We can never be destroyed.

Elisa: Wow! An invincible friend.

The tree comes alive. It has a hideous face.

Trevor: I live so near to your house. My branches can destroy bricks with ease.

Sam: So if ever I was in danger alone in my bedroom at night you could enter.

Trevor: AT ANY TIME.

Elisa: Spiffing!

Clyde: We love you.

Claudia: SOMETIMES YOU MUST HURT WHAT YOU LOVE.

Sam: We understand.

Trevor: [Looking down the camera lens.] We are real. We are real.

So that was my thing about children's television.

God I'm not funny.

I writ this at da Bus Stop

Too gangsta fo you. Anyway, I can PROMISE that from now on there will be a new sketch every monday AT THE VERY LEAST. So, we are all happy that way. Anyway here is today's script that I wrote on Friday at the bus stop.

On fancy pants paper.

The Thrill of Complaint

A dystopian future.

Man: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGHHHHHH

ALL OUR WORST FEARS

Woman: Oh no!

HAVE COME TO PASS

Man: The mail warned us about this! I have 5 wheelie bins and I have put them out on different days!

Child: why father

Man: THE PC BRIGADE

Woman: You can't even stab your children anymore.

MEDDLING BUSYBODIES

Man: There are speed cameras everywhere! I can't even speed!

Dan: But accidents have gone down. There are less child deaths!

DAN SHUT UP YOU ARE A PAEDO

Dan: [Leers]

IT'S NOTHING LIKE THE 50s.

Man: This is Blair's Britain!

Child: [cries]

So. Exciting new images thing and stuff.

Amazing. Anyway I had a good idea today which I'm going to post tomorrow and you'll all laugh and hahah ahahahahahaha.

That'll be you.

Completely in Mourning, Asshole

So, went for my run. Saw two rabbits. Unfazed by my talking, they carried on their shenanigans. Sexiest rabbits I have ever seen.

The Devil's Greatest Lie
A TV channel.

Announcer: Welcome back to the Atheism channel. Up next is the ever popular, Bible Contradictions.

Titles of Bible Contradictions. Two hosts, Bernard and Heretica, are sitting in their couches.

Heretica: Hello, welcome to Bible Contradictions.

Bernard: BIBLE CONTRADICTION NUMBER ONE!

Heretica: Genesis states that it is a sin to "spill thy seed on the ground".

Bernard: Earlier, IN THE SAME BOOK, it is said that the human race is made out of dust.

Heretica: AN OBVIOUS CONTRADICTION.

Pleasing jazz music.

Bernard: BIBLE CONTRADICTION NUMBER TWO!

Heretica: The book of Matthew states that Jesus was raised from the dead.

Bernard: But later, IN THE SAME BOOK, it is said that Jesus was resurrected from the dead.

Heretica: Which is it? Get your story straight before you try to vomit it in our faces!

Pleasant jazz music.

Bernard: BIBLE CONTRADICTION NUMBER THREE

Heretica: The Bible says that Jesus is the son of god.

Bernard: BUT USING THE VERY SAME METHOD OF WRITING, the Qur'an says he is a prophet of god.

Heretica: Which is it?

Bernard: SORT IT OUT RELIGIONISTS.

They are both struck by lightning.

Remember when I wrote comedy sketches?

Those were good times.

Walk your Dog; Exercise your Meat

People walk their dogs on the route that I like to run. It's irritating. Anyway, here's a type of sketch I pull out when it's not a revolutionary idea. Hopefully I've put enough of a twist on it that my job couldn't be done by some sort of algorithm.

Tipping the Scales

A restaurant. A waiter is taking orders from a group of 4 people. Enter robbers.

Robber: Don't be a hero!

Jason Baines: Okay, let me go get the money from this supply cupboard where we keep the thousands of money.

Mile-mannered Jason Baines steps into the cupboard. A man dressed in a snakeskin leotard with a domino mask comes out.

The Cobra: I am the mighty cobra!

Robber: Oh no!

Also Robber: The plan has gone awry!

The Cobra does snakey things and the robbers are knocked out? It's difficult to make this funny in text.

The Cobra: Very well, everyone! Back to my home planet, Indiatron!

The Cobra points out of the window and while everyone looks he goes into the supply cupboard. Mild-mannered Jason Baines exits the supply cupboard.

Jason Baines: Wow, the Cobra was here!

Everyone: msdfhsyessdiguesshhsowhatouynysdhsfdweallsawhimyoufuckingidiot.

Later in a supermarket. The same robbers as before try to rob the supermarket. Mild-mannered Jason Baines ducks into a freezer and emerges as the Cobra!

The Cobra: Stop, evildoers!

Robber: Eat lead, cobra.

The Cobra does so and dies. Mild-mannered Bernard Hastings is nearby.

Bernard Hastings: I shall take up your mantle. I shall be the New Cobra!

Transforms. His costume is much edgier and by that I mean you can see his penis.

JUST THE TIP

New Cobra: Halt, evildoers.

Robber: Haha, he only has the powers of a cobra, we will dispatch him like we did the last one.

The robber shoots New Cobra, just like the first Cobra if you understand metaphors, you fucking hippy. Get a job.

New Cobra: You couldn't be more wrong! I have all the powers of not-cobra. I shall dispatch you by having lots of legs.

He does so.

New Cobra: Anyone want to thank me for my deed?

Child: Can you make your head fan out like a cobra?

New Cobra: Haha, no. But I can do the opposite!

New Cobra accidentally squashes his brain and dies.

I imagine everyone would glare at the child. I know I would if they'd just killed our one bright point of hope.

I think the rule is he has to take up his mantle.

STREAK

Let's end this pattern of not doing anything for a week, by doing something in just 5 days. Here's something I thought of on Tuesday, which I am posting on Friday. HOWEVER IT IS MUCH MORE.

Ladies.

Anyway I was out running and I saw a rabbit on a construction site. It was brown and I only saw it because it was silhouetted against the horizon and then another one came out and they fought for a bit and I couldn't tell who won because they all look the same.

I'm joking I have so many rabbit friends.

Chasing some hot Tale

A father has his children and some other children that are not his around the fire. It is the past and he is telling stories.

Father: Long ago in the ancient past, when the world was young and made of pain, there was a giant called Hugor.

The screen goes all wavey or whatever and let's zoom into the story.

Hugor: HAHA! Fuck you little people I'm a fucking giant.

Hugor stamps on people because he fucking can.

Hugor: This is fun.

Father: But then the god of fountains spurted out of Hugor's penis.

Fountor: why hello

Hugor: OH GOD WHAT

Fountor: be not afraid

Hugor: WHY WHY IS IT IN MY DICK

Fountor: i am a god

Hugor: GET OUT

Fountor: you must destroy my enemy, fulthunin

Hugor: Who?

Fountor: this is the problem with large pantheons

Hugor wanders off to stamp on people. Except Fountor is in his cock so how does he do that? THE MAGIC OF TELEVISION.

Fountor: hey

Hugor: Why aren't you gone?

Fountor: fountains are really shit

Hugor: I know.

Father: Then Fountor went on his way. [popping sound]

Hugor walks away to go find funathin or whatever it was.

Hugor: Hey, are you Funathin?

Funathin: No.

Hugor: Wanna get high?

Funathin: Yeahhhhhhhh

Father: Smoke weed evreh day!

So, the high concept for this was that stories used to be really sexual in the past so I've put the rudeness back into fun kids stories.

I just want to be on tv.

It's slobbering time

I ran a lot and it hurt but now I am okay. Also I had a weird dream where I had two dicks and then I cast a spell and they fused together and then turned into steel.

Hello, ladies. This next one is of the superhero variety.

Man and Superman

An ordinary street. Of shops. Normal shops, although for legal reasons all of the shop names are misspelled slightly e.g. H&W; Argus; Berger Kong. Bret looks up at the sky.

Bret: The moon is out.

Indeed it is, Bret.

Bret: This is one mystery I'm determined to get to the bottom of.

Bret winks and gropes an attractive girl on the bum. She slaps him, rightly, and then runs off.

Bret: A sure sign! I shall become a symbol. I shall become Mr Moon!

Gus: That's names stupid!

Bret: Fuck off, Gus!

Gus: How do you know my name?

Bret: What?

Gus: I said. how do you know my name?

Bret: I can't hear you. I'm going home.

I probably should have mentioned that Gus is kind of far away. Anyway, we move to Bret working hard on his costume.

Bret: I shall strike fear into the hearts of criminals everywhere!

Pretty unlikely.

Bret: Shut up!

Pff, whatever man. We see Bret out on the town ready to patrol crime or whatever. I haven't really established his goals. We see some evil-doers.

Bret: Halt, evildoers!

Evildoers: We are victims of society. As undeveloped philosophies of how the world works increase in popularity, criminals are blamed for everything. A barbaric thirst for blood drives the reaction to crime, inadvertently increasing it. Crime starts with the individual; all people are criminals, it is just whether they are on one particular side of the legal line.

Bret: What can I do to help?

Evildoers: Fight for prisons that rehabilitate instead of punish. Help prisoners redeem themselves and give them purpose in life.

Bret: That's not very funny.

Evildoers: The truth isn't funny.

So there we have it. Anyway I'm on the side of punishing criminals harshly, you may have noticed I gave the "rehabilitation" arguments to the criminal. Should have clued you up rightways.

Oh man, also I forgot to mention Bret's costume. It was going to have the arse cut out, so he could poo more easily.

I don't like my name.

cup...cup....Cup.....CUP...CUP...ah fuck it

So I'm out for my run and it is painful today. I was wondering how the weight goes out of me, and I realised: it's through pooing! I don't like that thought at all.

Anyway, I had an idea and here it is. It might be a long one; I had a lot of ideas to put in it.

The Flow of Information

A library. We see a wizard dressed in all blue clothing. He has a long beard.

Hydronicus: Greetings! I am Hydronicus, master of water!

Laura: Shhhh.

Hydronicus: Sorry.

Laura: How can I help you?

Hydronicus: Yesss, these books won't scan at the self-checkout?

Laura: Can I take a look at your card?

Hydronicus: Of course.

Laura scans the card. With a machine, not with like her eyes.

Laura: You've got some fines amounting to over £3. When it gets that high you can't borrow books.

Hydronicus: I...see.

Laura: So, do you want to pay the fines now?

Hydronicus: Oh I'll pay the fines. IN WATER. Drown in knowledge, scum!

Hydronicus recites a spell and all the books turn into cups of water.

Hydronicus: I don't want to get your floor wet. Someone could trip.

Steve: [Interrupting the story] Are you a mentalist?

Laura: That's an offensive term.

Steve: You know what? If you had just told us that a pipe burst, we would have believed you.

Laura: You don't believe me? Come down to the library this afternoon.

Later.

Steve: Well you've replaced the books with cups, but I don't see the big deal.

Laura: Drink this.

She hands him a cup. A label on the cup says "Of Mice and Men". Steve drinks nearly all of it.

Steve: Wow! They're going to get a farm. It's going to be okay. There'll be rabbits.

He finishes the drink and starts to cry.

Steve: Why'd Lenny have to die?

Laura: So. I think it's a good way for the library to operate.

Steve: How do you return books?

Library worker Paul and customer, Henry.

Henry: Got a return here.

Paul gets to his knees and cups his hands.

Paul: I'm moving to Spain.

In Spain.

Paul: Turns out my new job is just to get pissed on.

So, some lovely topical humour there. Also: librarians. And I based this on a true story.

Oh shit, yesterday's update should have been called "The Mane Attraction". I'm such a damn sexy, handsome idiot.