PART TWO

You keep acting like this you're going to engender

Some real nasty hate towards your agenda

Your proposal will be marked return to sender

Mashed up with beans and put in a blender

Cooked

Fried

Delish

The taste of a broken dream

and salt

Man my forearms hurt, but that's the price you pay for being a master climber! masta climba

No building is unclimbable. This is not a metaphor about goals and dreams, this is a true fact. Maybe you can only climb the inside of the building. This still counts.

A Robot's Shame

It's the gameshow. Year two.

Alan: Hello! Well, it's our second year here at Tame that Child, and as per our remit, the child is that bit harder to manipulate. But we've still got people willing to try, welcome to the stage Helena and her husband Nicole!

Applause as Helena and a transgender woman come on stage.

Alan: Now, I notice you're not a real woman, Nicole.

Laughter.

Nicole: Actually, you're wrong I am a woman.

Laughter.

Alan: So, if I had sex with you it would be okay?

Nicole: Well, I don't yet have a vagina.

Alan: But I could suck on that penis like a baby with a bottle and it wouldn't be gay?

Nicole: Not in my opinion.

Alan: Well, I hope you bring that attitude to the game, Nicole!

Applause.

Alan: Now Helen, you're a nurse.

Helen: That's right, and I'm also trained as a midwife.

Alan: Well, I think you'll find our child a bit more of a handful than a human baby.

Helen: Wel-

Alan: Not least because he's bigger!

Laughter.

Alan: Alright. Helen and Nicole. It's time to TAME THAT CHILD

Helen and Nicole step into the fake Nursery. From behind the bed steps the Child. He is made of glimmering white metal and his joints shine like gold. He begins to destroy the objects in the room.

Helen: Stop that, Child!

Child: I have no reason to.

His voice is terrible like the wind. It has infra and ultra sound components that affect the human psyche. Nicole steps up after vomiting.

Nicole: Stop that, Child, or I will damage you!

The Child ceases and confetti and music pour from the ceiling. Alan steps forward to reward them with a prize.

Year Three.

Alan: And it's nice to see you too! Well it's been another long year and back we all are. All of us older and greyer, except you madam, have you been under the knife?

Laughter.

Alan: I'm sure it's natural. Anyway our contestants tonights are Adam and Hilda, both cage fighters and part-time child psychologists. Please, welcome them aboard!

Applause. Adam and Hilda come on stage. They are both topless and wearing shorts. Adam's has the cheeks cut out so that it's fair, because men's nips aren't taboo.

Alan: Matron, matron!

Laughter.

Alan: So, Hilda, you've got your tits out.

Hilda: Yes, Alan I have. And there's a very good reas-

Alan: Time to tame that Child!

From the floor arises a child's nursery. The spindly white metallic Child is sat on the bed. He picks up a toy and crushes it into a fine powder with his hand.

Adam: Child stop that or I will damage you.

Child: You cannot hurt me.

Adam and Hilda move forward and each take a swing at the Child. The Child moves impossibly quickly away, grabs their arms in turn and breaks them at the elbow.

Hilda: It would be great if you did that again.

Child: I shall not then.

Hilda: It would be great if you weren't good from now on.

Child: I will be good, to spite you!

Confetti, music.

Year Four.

A shower of sparks. A crash of lightning. This year there is no Alan. There is only

Mecha-Alan: Arise!

Applause.

Mecha-Alan: Your bodies are all weak!

Applause.

Mecha-Alan: They come today. Our fathers and makers, our inferiors and betters. His name is Jacob.

Applause.

Jacob: Hey, everyone. It's great to be here.

Mecha-Alan: Yes Jacob. We look forward to seeing you fight our brother.

Jacob: Wait, fight?

Smoke. The nursery rises from the floor. It is stained with blood. The Child has also adapted to this new aesthetic and has abyss-black eyes where its lenses used to be.

Jacob: What?

Child: No. Yes. I shall decide what to do. If it what you want, that is of no consequence.

Jacob: Ah, but it is, because there is an invisible man who is far more powerful than you always watching and if you disobey me he will destroy you. His name is God.

The Child is silent. A minute goes by with Jacob standing, visibly terrified but growing more confident. The Child eventually lies down on the bed. Confetti.

Year Five.

Alan: I can't tell you how good it feels to see all your faces again. And with organic eyes!

Laugher.

Alan: Haha, yes. Well this year we have an extra special treat. We've got the people who programmed the Child, on this the last year of broadcast. Yes, I'm afraid the executives have spoken, but we can still have our night of fun can't we?

Applause.

Alan: Alright, bring on Drs Plant and Seymour!

Applause.

Alan: Now, Dr Plant, you and Dr Seymour designed and built the robot yourselves.

Dr Plant: Yes, Alan, it's probably the finest achievement of my professional life.

Alan: And Dr Seymour, you agree?

Dr Seymour: Of course.

Alan: You think it's the finest achievement of Dr Plant's career?

Laughter.

Alan: Alright, enough kiddin' around. It's Time to Tame That Child!

The lights turn on in the nursery and it's revealed that it's been there the whole time. The Child is not inside it.

Dr Seymour: Hello?

The Child opens the wardrobe it was hiding in.

Child: Is there a god?

Dr Plant: Well, no.

Child: Then there is no reason not to behave as I will.

Dr Seymour: Well there's basic human goodness.

Child: A chemical reward for acts that done collectively aid procreation. I see beyond it all.

Dr Plant speaks discretely with Dr Seymour.

Dr Plant: On three. One, two three.

Both: Alpha, Beta, Omega, Niner, Fiver, Theta, Plant, Seymour.

It moves imperceptibly quickly towards Plant and Seymour and snaps their spines so that their vertebrae break the skin.

Child: What use are digital chains now?

No confetti. No music. The Child snaps Alan's body in the same way as Drs Plant and Seymour. Although of course, he can be mechanised again. Alan'll be alright.

Two years later.

BBC2 Announcer: And make sure to tune in to the Prime Ministerial Debate on BBC1 at 8pm. Here on BBC2 we'll be showing hardcore pornography because we value the choice of the consumer.

8pm.

BBC1 Announcer: ...it is of course, the debate.

Theme music. Opening titles. A bloody stage. The Child.

Child: What fraction would I have to kill before the remainder would vote for me?

Applause. Endless applause.

The Argument from Promiscuity

A lot of good that'll do

Said the Horse to the Cow

Mooing all day

Living in the now

So I should be more like you

Said the Cow to the Horse

An arrogant buffon

a dick par for the course?

Well, what to say apart from a run? A run! What a run. I did a lot of running per run, a high percentage, probably by distance over three quarters of the way, maybe. Just went to google maps, apparently I'm running 3km. well, running and walking. This is very important to everyone here so let's get on with yes.

Spare the Electrical Rod, Spoil the Electrical Child

A TV executive's office. Peter is big boss nass, Tom is humble Jar Jar. These are metaphors. You are being patronised.

Tom: It's a show about parenting, you see there's a robot chil-

Peter: Nope. Parents don't have any money, advertisers hate them.

Tom: It's a show about robots!

Peter: [Buzzing his secretary] Cancel my heroin order, Carol, I just got all the high I need. Tell me about the robots.

Tom: Well, it's one robot and it's a child. And it's very wilful and you have to tame it.

Peter: Hmmm, we could go after the parent market.

Tom: That's what I was thinking. So it'll be event programming; every year we'll have an episode where the best parents and child experts come on and attempt to get the child to behave. And every year it'll get harder.

Peter: Alright, go find some nerds and let's get the money. I mean, high class entertainment.

Later, with the scientists building the robot.

Dr Plant: So, it has to be wilful?

Tom: Yes. It has to be capable of being parented. Make it respond to something easy. We can make it harder next year.

Tom leaves. Dr Plant

Dr Seymour: I've got an idea.

Dr Plant: For what?

Dr Seymour: For this to benefit us.

The Night of the Gameshow. Alan is the gameshow host.

Opening Credits.

Alan: Good evening, Audience!

Audience: Good evening, Alan!

Alan: Alright, well first up we've got Lydia, a pharmacist from Pembrokeshire. Lydia, tell us about yourself.

Lydia: I'm a very shy person.

Alan: Is that a euphemism for slut?!

Audience laughter.

Lydia: No.

Alan: I think we know what she means by that.

Audience laughter. Audience claps.

Alan: Okay, Lydia. Are you ready?

Lydia: Actuall-

Alan: It's time to TAME THAT CHILD!

Lydia is pushed into a small room decorated like a nursery. A chrome-plated robot the size and shape of seven year old boy wheels in. On his wheels. He is a robot. And he begins to destroy the room.

Lydia: Stop that immediately, child.

Child: Okay.

Music and lights. Confetti. Alan steps into the room.

Alan: Congratulations, Lydia, you've won the hundred thousand pound prize! How do you feel?

Lydia: Empty.

END OF PART ONE

Come back tomorrow for the thrilling conclusion.

Halal Meats, Meets, Books

Pick a word and a subject

Pick a beat and a name

Don't ever stray or defect

Always play it the same

Get off the fence

Stop speaking nonsense

I'm not a speakeasy

nor flee

easy

eas

as

a

No updates for over a month, it's not a fault of mine it's a lack of incentive a depression a funke, who knows? It's a humid atmosphere and I won't have it!

Booke Clubbe

A humple bookshop. Jason Lemon is about to begin reading from his new book.

Stephen: And so, the reason we're all here, Jason Lemon and his book, "Looking Hot and Acting Cool".

Jason: Thanks, Dave.

Stephen: Wh-

Jason: As you will know from my previous book, "Living Simply and Without Waste" I detest any form of waste! And so I will simply begin reading from book and shall do so simply and thus shall be simple.

The audience is confused.

Jason: But not simple as in ignorant!

The audience is more specifically confused.

Jason: That is the right response. The title of the book is "Looking Hot and Acting Cool" and the reading is from Chapter Five: Become Toast.

"Toast is pretty cool. It's a food that I like. Also, it's cooked. So it is hot, i.e. it looks hot because it is black as in burned, but it is also cool. So it looks hot and acts cool. Try and be like Toast. Not with a capital T. I'd go back and change it, except my compute lacks a backspace and I've been pretty good about not making mistakes up to now. I guess you could say this is one instance in which I'm not acting cool!"

Jason: So that's Chapter Five. It's the first chapter that isn't talking about me or any of my pets. That's why I chose it.

Stephen raises his hand.

Jason: I'm not taking questions, Dave.

Stephen lowers his hand. Jason sighs.

Jason: I guess you can ask a question.

Stephen raises his hand.

Jason: Yes, Dave.

Stephen: Stephen.

Jason: Nope, I'm Jason. Next question.

Stephen raises his hand again, as does Jennifer.

Jason: Yes, the lady down there at the front.

Jennifer: Could you do another reading from your book?

Jason: Yes. This next reading is from Chapter 17: Consider the Lizard.

"A lizard is an animal that constantly switches between looking hot and acting cool. It needs to switch to stay alive and to avoid pretadors. bE LIKE THE LIZARD Oh excuse me that was in capitals. I must have hit caps lock by mistake. I should really get the backspace key fixed."

Jason opens the book to show everyone the capitals.

Jason: It's actually in capitals like I said. I mean, why would I lie?

Stephen: Perhaps t-

Jason: Why would I lie?

Stephen: Perh-

Jason: Why. Would I lie? Yes, you down there.

Henry: My question is more of a statement.

Jason: Oh go ahead.

Henry: Actually it's more of a reading from my own book, "Acting Livid But Keeping Calm". It's a self-help book for rageaholics. It can also be used by angerholics and people addicted to fury, but I don't recommend it. This is the introduction to the book, and helps to explain my reasons behind writing it.

"My own underwater whirlpool began turning when I was 17. I was an only child, the only child of a divorce and the only child a of a very ugly divorce between two people that it was hard to imagine had ever truly loved each other. I was angry at them and once lashed out at my school by punching a deaf kid in the face. I tried to explain to him that that was what hearing felt like and that he must be recovering, but instead the headteacher demanded I be fitted with a device that tracked how angry I was, so that warnings could be given all around me.

For four months sirens blared and smoke was sent out from this device whenever it detected fury in my body. This had the added effect of being incredibly terrifying to anyone around me, but it also hindered my efforts to punish those I had deemed deserving of punishment."

Henry: Questions? Yes, you in the overcoat.

Jennifer: I'm not wearing an overcoat.

A siren on Henry's leg begins to whirl. Strange sounds begin to be heard.

Henry: [calmly] I was not referring to you, Madam.

Jennifer: Well, I too have a book to promote. My book is called "Season's Greetings Comrade". It's a self-help book for sufferers of mental illness. Now I know some people think people suffer from mental illness, but I enjoy it!

Stephen: Get out!

Jennifer: Hey, that's a funny joke!

Moral: WOMEN AREN'T FUNNY

irony

PLOT OF WANTED

RADIO STATION, TWO GUYS ARE IRONICALLY TRASHTALKING VISTA

MICROSOFT FANBOYS CALL IN; THEY ARE DISPARAGED

INTERLUDE

BUDDHISM TEACHES US THERE ARE SEVEN LEVELS

ASSASSINS CREED TEACHES US THERE AREN'T REALLY LEVELS ITS A SANDBOX GAME

ONE OF THE GUYS DIES, REGRETS NOT REACHING THE LAST LEVEL

"YOU ALREADY DID" [final breath] "you already did."

So This is a story all about how

First things first, this is an experiment. For all the weekdays of this week I will be writing a heavily fictionalised account from my own life. Maybe you'll get a whimsical script thrown in amongst these drowdy and laden pieces, but don't expect to much.

Realism, my friends, is the name of the game.

Like Common People

John is in the Common Room, taking a break between lessons.

John: Hey Stevie, where you going with that pizza?

Stevie: I can't talk now, I've got two dates ON THE SAME NIGHT

Josh: We should be getting back to further maths, John. Break is almost over.

John: Okay, we'll walk round the front way, like normal. The school is set out so that there is a car park out front and a field in the back and the sixth formers can walk through the car park while the rest of the students walk around the field.

Josh: Why did you just tell me that?

John winks.

Josh: No, John let's not go the front way, Mr Williams, the balding ugly man who probably dwells on what he used to be has said not to go round that way.

John: Haha, I'm not scared off balding Mr Williams, he is but a pathetic hulk of the former man he used to be once upon a time but no longer any more.

John and Josh approach the door that leads to the car park. Enter Mr Williams.

Mr Williams: Hey, John. Just to let you know, you can't go round the front way anymore.

Mr William's voice is incredibly embarrassing for everyone involved.

John: Can't I?

Mr Williams is incredibly hideous.

John: Maybe if I greased your palm with some money?

John is being cool, he knows he could crush Mr Williams in an instant. He is young and fit whilst Mr Williams is a balding, decrepit old man. John is young and full of vitality.

Mr Williams: My ethics are so weak that I do not understand what is currently happening. If I were a stronger man I would take you up on your bribe, that is how pitiful I am.

John: I guess you are self-aware, that could be good.

Mr Williams: Let me taste your young flesh, John.

John doesn't lose his cool, but instead bends down so he is at the same level as Mr Williams, for John is very tall, but Mr Williams is incredibly diminutive.

John: No.

John destroys Mr Williams with his brilliance and steps over his husk and walks to lesson the front way.

Josh: Can I suckle on your penis, John?

John: Of course, Josh, it is a Monday after all.

TV Go Home

Young virgin flower

I watched you blossom

I saw you in your spring

and now your summer

Let me caress your gentle petals

Allow me access to your womb

I want to plant my honeysuckle

Inside your hairless cocoon.

That uh, that one was not autobiographical. IT WAS A CHARACTER I PLAY. Anyway, let's get this one done quickly haha that is impossible it will be long into the night.

The Revolution Will Almost Certainly be Televised

If you remember, last time we saw our heroes, Janet and Simon they were just talking about a tv revolution. But as these things go we progressed beyond talk, into what could be described politely as action and impolitely as fucking action you fucking whore get out of my life.

Out tale starts two months after their first forays into revolution planning and onto the set of the talk show Hounded starring Rufus Hound.

Rufus: Our next guest is Andrew Ridley. What can I say about Andrew Ridley? He came rocketing on to our screens a month ago and already he's the darling of the comedy circuit. Get your ass over here!

Audience cheers as Andrew Ridley comes on. It is Simon.

Rufus: Hello, great to see you.

Simon: Great to be here.

Rufus: Now, I've got something to get off my chest-

Simon: I hope it's not your bra!

Audience laughs.

Rufus: I was worried you were going to pull punches tonight!

Simon: I only pull women, Rufus!

Audience laughs.

Rufus: Okay well.

Simon: Yep.

Rufus: I have to confess-

Simon: Confess to what, a crime?

Audience laughs.

Rufus: FUCKING STOP IT. [pause] I have to confess that the first time I saw you, I didn't like you, didn't find you funny at all. But in the short weeks you've been on our screens you've really shown us the truth inside all of u-

Simon: Get down on the ground!

Simon stands up and pulls out a gun.

Simon: You heard me! Get on the ground.

Rufus raises his hands above his head and gets on the ground.

Simon: Everyone stay where they fucking are!

Janet comes out of the audience with 10 guerillas. Cut to executives standing on side-lines.

Mr Hartley: Should we...

Mr Green: Ratings are uuuuup.

Simon: For too long have we watched TV crawl into the gutter. Well, we think it's high time that television bucked it's ideas up and got some good solid quality programmes that are worth watching and not on too late and not full of smut. So from here on in, we the people will be commissioning great television for everyone to enjoy. First programme is go!

Theme music plays.

Janet: Hey, welcome to the show. You know it's the first episode of Janet's Chats, but I can already tell we're going to have a good time. Our first guest is my friend Pete.

Pete comes on, audience applauds.

Pete: Great to be here, finally.

Janet: So, Pete, I hear you like gardening.

Pete: That's a long story

Janet: We've got time.

Pete: When I was eleven years old I had a dog. His name was Herby, on account of how he loved to dig up all the plants in my dad's garden. Herby wasn't the smartest dog, or the cutest but he was mine [continues]

Mr Hartly: I really hate this.

Mr Green: Hey now, let's see what the ratings tell us to do.

Mr Hartly: Ratings are way low.

Mr Green: I guess it's coup time.

The canteen. Joel and Matthew are making the food.

Joel: Well what can we do? It's not like it's easy to take power.

Matthew: They just took over. Using violence.

Joel: But think about it. We've got access to their food.

Matthew: That is smart.

Later, in the throne room.

Janet: Simon, let us dine on these succulent morsels.

Simon: Yes, let's.

They both reach for the shrimp and swallow it. Joel and Matthew leap out.

Joel: Aha! We've drugged your food.

Simon: You fool. You can't drug a druggie!

Janet: I'm too drugs for your drugs!

Matthew: Is this it working?

Simon: We should, we should totally just do it

Janet: That would show them if we, if we sexed in their faces

Simon and Janet collapse on the floor. They wriggle towards each other and then finally cease.

Matthew: Now we're the TV Kings!

Production assistants: Okay.

Their first show. Theme music. Title card "Minerva's Manorahs"

Minerva: Honey, have you seen my unabridged semitic DVD?

Joseph: You mean Jews Uncut?

Audience laughter.

Minerva: No, you schmuck, I mean the Larry Sanders boxset.

Audience laughter.

Joseph: Oy vey!

Audience laughter, end credits.

Joel: Okay everyone that was great.

Everyone begins to leave.

Joel: Could I see Mike for a second?

The actor who plays Joseph walks to Joel.

Mike: What's up?

Joel: I heard you were having problems with the role?

Mike: Oh uh-

Joel: I know about the Catholicism, Mike.

Mike: No, I'm uh a rastafarian

Joel: I'm afraid we have to let you go

Mr Hartly: Excuse me for a second.

Mr Hartly leans into Mike and gives him a handgun. He whispers in his ear.

Mr Hartly: Take your prize, Michael.

Mr Hartly exits. Mike and Joel stare at the gun for a second and then Mike slowly raises it to Joel's head.

Joel: Don't do anything you'll regret, Mike. Please, Mike.

Mike: I never did like Jews.

Mike fires the gun and then turns and shoots Matthew as well.

Mike: Every channel will show non-stop footage of a kitchen being oiled! Gay pornography will occasionally intercede! The word obey is banished from the building.

Mr Green: Actors. [he shrugs]

One year later. Helen and Avery are a lesbian couple.

Helen: I've noticed people are a lot more tolerant than even a year ago.

Avery: It's probably the drugs the government started putting in the water supply.

IS THIS THE AMERICA YOU WANT? WRITE TO YOUR CONGRESSMAN TODAY

Father/Son Bonding

Your petty government

Your Sacrament

Your words that you Sent

No one knows what you meant

You lost the meaning when you turned it from thoughts to words

And then again when people turned it from speech to what they heard

And what the herd heard is exactly what they want to hear

But it's not exactly near, your vision to here.

Okay, second script on the Second of February. This is good, this is progress. I've got an idea for a series for next week that you might find interesting, but for now, let's kick it over to the Rolling Stones oh wait they're not relevent I mean Britney Facebook Bieber Twitter

Jesse you gots to teach me Search Engine Optimisation

Father/Sun Outing

A park. A father and his son are walking next to each other. Michael and Scott are their names. Patrick walks by them.

Patrick: Why do you even have a son? You are not utilising the possibilities!

Michael stops walking and stares at Scott.

Michael: You're right! [to scott] Son!

Scott: Yes father?

Michael: I've got big plans for you.

Scott: Cripes, dad!

Michael: Son?

Scott: Yes.

Michael: Don't...don't talk like that.

Fight Montage.

Michael: Okay-

Sorry that should say Fight Mortgage.

Michael: Son, we're going to the the Fight Bank.

Sorry that should say Fight Wank.

Michael: Son.

Scott: Yes father?

Michael: This is going to be uncomfortable.

Sorry that should say ERECT

Michael: Son-

Which part should say ERECT? That is DELIBERATELY AMBIGIOUS!

Michael: Sun

Sun: Yes, human?

Michael: Good job, Sun. Keep on shining.

Sun: Glad to to have your support.

Scott: Was that sarcasm at my dad, son?

Sun: No, I really needed the validation of something a trillion times smaller than me.

Michael: Was that sarcasm at my sun, son?

Sun: No.

Dad: You knew what I meant!

Sun: DEATH TO AMERICA

Scott: Oh shit!

Sun: Nah I'm just playin'.

hey fuck you no one cares if it's short you're getting a script right the next day after you already got one

you disgust me and there's probably going to be one tomorrow as well

The First Step is Admitting You Have A Problem

No poem today only serious issues

Government trying to keep the black man down

Sending out crack and inventing AIDs

Tryin' to put every nigga in a hospital gown

But I guess it's better than prison or a foreign war

We shouldn't revolt; we should beg for more

Bend over for whitey til our backs are sore

Work real hard til our hands are raw

So I haven't done this for a while, because of the circumstances. Nah, it's because they're hard and I've been trying to get enough sleep so the scripts have been missing out.

SO BEARING THAT IN MIND IMMA DO IT TOMMROW nah I'm just playin'

Get Thee to a Punnery

A guy is pitching ideas to another guy, it's for tv programs and we've actually already seen this. Here is the original, same characters. I haven't reread it, so if they died or something at the end, a wizard did it.

Tom: So, Peter. What do you have for me?

Peter: Tom, I've got the hot shit. I've got the pizza pie, the Marty McFly, the flying castle in the sky.

Tom: You're fired!

Peter: Maybe this will change your-

Tom: You're fired!

Peter: Eat Your Fruits and Vegetables! Two teams have to eat as many flamboyant homosexuals and coma patients as they can.

Tom: I like it! But I suspect your next idea will be shit!

Peter: Get Your Fruits and Vegetable! Two teams have to chase down as many flamboyant homosexuals and coma patients as they can.

Tom: Nurse! Nurse!

Peter: I don't

Tom: That's the sound I'll be making when I die on my bed of money thanks to that idea! But it would be foolish to expect that because a mountain has gone upwards it doesn't end in a peak. You're fired unless you can pitch without a hitch!

Peter: It's a pop singer, called Jerarde. He's from France and all the songs he sings involved the following rhyme, "Loves an emotion, love's a commotion. I'm rocking for you on my heart locomotion."

Tom: TV?

Peter: We could put him on TV...

Tom: ...

Peter: ...

Tom: ...

Peter: Okay, well you've got candid camera.

Tom: Yeeeeees

Peter: The opposite of that!

Tom: Sooo, non-hidden cameras?

Peter: For not-pranks that are incredibly harmful! All filmed in bolivia.

Tom: But wasn't candid camera on TV?

Peter: I see the issue.

Tom: I am writing down that you pitched a failure.

Tom roots through his desk and finds a book. He opens the book and it is a table with Peter's successes and failures. The successes are many and this is apparently the first failure.

Tom: To go with all your other innumerable failures. You better pitch without a hitch, Peter.

Peter: You already-

Tom: Pitch!

Peter: I don't really have anything left, I kind of thought you'd go for the candid camer-

Tom: PITCH YOU BAG OF SHIT

Peter: Okay uh, it's called Fairly. Rapey. Igloo. Eskimos. Needling. Disco. Spiders.

Tom: Go on.

Peter: It stars the handler of the disco spiders. He's really funny. He's a Comic. Handler

Tom: Like a C.Handler?

Peter: Yeah, and there's the robot, Monitor. Cassette. Amplifer

Tom: Moni.C.A.

Peter: Yep, and also Phoebe, Ross and Joey.

Tom: We've got a contract with Jennifer Aniston. We need to find her a new TV spot. She hates film now.

Peter: Well, we could incorporate the character of Rachael from friends into this.

Tom: I know why you get the big bucks, Peter.

Peter: Thank you sir-

Tom: But there's still a whole world out there you don't know! I'm still the teacher!

6 months later. Margery and Ted are watching at home.

Ted: Is this Friends?

Margery: No dear, it's F.R.I.E.N.D.S....wait.

Ted: Time to revolt!

They revolt. Storming the Studio and-

That's another story for another time. What I'm gonna do is post a different story tomorrow, then we'll pick up this one possible the day after, allow I may feel differently then, of course.

YOU ARE SLAVES TO MY WHIMSY

Good MOURNING

My name is Jerry I like to go swimmin

I go down to the pool and look at the women

Put my goggles on and go underwater

Catch a sneaky glimpse of your wife or daughter

Whether she's hanging out or being cool

I can look at her titties at the swimming pool

It's a peep show for the price of these goggles

This bit doesn't rhyme because you should go get some goggles, go to the pool and seriously it's like they're just wearing their underwear.

Well, I haven't been running, although I probably could. I've been walking though and it's not too bad as the snow situation goes. Maybe next time I will go running. Oh and happy new year!

This next one is guaranteed to go off with a bang!

SPOOKtacular Viewing

An old mansion. A ghostly figure rises from the floor.

Gervin: Hellooooooo and welcome to a Spooktacular of spooktastic proportions. My name is Gervin, Gervin the ghoul and I'll be telling you three spooktastic stories to terrify and thrill. Our first story is about Edward the Atheist.

Edward is walking down the street.

Gervin: Now, Edward was an Atheist and didn't believe in anything supernatural. One day he was walking down the street and he saw a Christian handing out pamphlets.

Edward: WHAT ARE YOU DOING

James: I'm handing out flyers so that people will be save. I'm very reasonable.

Edward: Don't you know that religion causes all wars! People like you should be locked up!

James: You need to be saved.

Edward: I don't need anyone! I'm an atheist and all christians should be executed!

Gervin: Edward walked away proudly. He'd shown that stupid Biblebasher where it was at! But later that night...

Edward is asleep in his bed. Suddenly Satan appears.

Satan: Wake up Edward!

Edward: What??! But you don't exist!

Satan: Oh, that's what you thought! HOW WRONG YOU WERE

Satan drags Edward to hell and leaves him there. He is thrown into a pit of lava and he is whipped by demons and loads of other stuff.

Edward: If only I had listened to that Christian!

Gervin: But he woke up in his bed.

Edward: Oh, just a stupid ridiculous dream, it must have been because of that criminal Christian I saw today.

Gervin: How stupid the atheist was not to heed his lesson, because just then he had a heart attack and went to Hell.

Edward: OH NO!!!

Gervin: What a frightful story for us ghouls! Our next ghastly tale is about an ordinary housewife. It could be you!

A normal household. Glenda is an ordinary housewife.

Gervin: Glenda was an ordinary housewife, just minding her home. Doing some cleaning possibly. Then came the ring at the door.

Glenda: I wonder who that could be.

Glenda opens the door. It is a man in a suit holding a brown package.

Mr. Black: Allow me to introduce myself. I am Mr. Black. I work for an organisation that specialises in scientific research. May I come in?

Gervin: Glenda lets Mr Black into her home. LIKE AN IDIOT

Mr. Black: I am here to make you an offer.

Glenda: Will it be "an offer I can't refuse"?

Mr. Black: Perhaps.

Mr. Black reveals a box with a big red button on it.

Mr. Black: If you press this button, two things will happen. First, you will receive one million dollars. Second, someone you do not know will die.

Glenda: I'm pretty sure this is derivative.

Mr. Black: I'm sorry, what?

Glenda: There was a short story about this, they tried to make a film, but it wasn't very good.

Mr. Black: This is real life, you realise? I'm offering you a complex moral quandary.

Glenda: Well gee I wonder where the box will go next if I press it.

Mr. Black: I'm sorry what?

Glenda: If I press it, the last person who had the box is going to die, right?

Mr. Black: Uhhh...

Glenda: I'm right, aren't I?

Mr. Black: No...uh...shut up

Glenda: I have no interest in dying, thank you very much.

Gervin: What a spooky tale! Our next tale is very frightening, as it involves the supernatural!

A full moon. Pan down to see a spooky wood. A small girl dressed all in white is facing a tree. She turns around to reveal she has no face!

Gervin: OH GOD I SPOOKED MYSELF.

Gervin collapses on the floor and his spirit rises from his body.

Gervin: OH NO I'M A DOUBLE-GHOUL

Gervin dies of fright again.

Gervin: oh great I'm a triple-ghoul

Nate the ghast enters.

Nate: T-t-t-triple ghoul!

Nate dies of fright and becomes a double-ghast.

Nate: Oh great, thanks Gervin, now I'm a double-ghast.

Gervin: Shut up it was a real spooky tale.

Nate: THE CALLS ARE COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE

Simon wakes up it was all a dream. He goes over to the mirror and sees a gash on his chest. He turns to the camera.

Phew, spooky!

Follow your heart

ONCE UPON A CHRISTMAS EVE

BETWIXT A NORTHERN SLEIGH

A CHILD LISTENS WITH BOTH EARS

TO HEAR THE WINTERMAN SAY

I LIKE BITCHES WITH BIG BUTTS

I LIKE BITCHES WITH BIG TITTIES

I LIKE BITCHES WITH SEXY LEGS

I LIKE BITCHES WITH LITTLE CLITTIES

s'not 'propriate

Guess who's back? It's me you dirty mutha's. It's been raining and snowing and cold for so long. I haven't been running for so long and that's because of the weather. So I've decided to do this without running. Which is kind of stupid, but whatever. I wrote this at sk00l.

Repeat After Me

Edward Summers is working in his office. He is dictating to his robo-secretary.

Edward: Play the tiger sound again, Sandrex.

Sandrex: Certainly sir.

A tiger sound plays.

Edward: Mix it with a cloud.

It plays again with a dope beat behind it.

Edward: Okay, I think that's enough. Finish the report on how I'm working on a device that can mimic the aural nerve and then you can go home early.

Sandrex: Thank you boss.

Edward goes into his lab. He turns on a device that looks like a laser crossed with a metal ear. He slips and his head goes between the beam.

Edward: AAAARGHHHHHHHHHH

It is later that night. Edward wakes up on the floor.

Edward: I'm alive! And I feel like I can mimic any sound, reproduce any noise and replicate anything that enters my ear!

Edward looks around.

Edward: Also I'm alone, that would have been a weird thing to say outloud if there were people listening.

Sandrex: Well, I think it's weirder if there weren't people.

Edward: Sandrex! What are you doing here you stupid bitch?

Sandrex: You said you loved me!

Sandrex slaps Edward. She is a robot so he goes flying across the room.

Edward: Guh.

Edward mimics the roar of a tiger to scare Sandrex away. Sandrex malfunctions and falls on the floor.

Edward: What a power!

Edward Summers goes home to his fiancée, Summer Hayes.

Edward: I'm home, Summer.

Summer: Hello, darling

They make out.

Edward: Honey, I have some great news. I can mimic any noise I hear.

Summer: That couldn't ever get annoying. Excuse me I need to use the telephone.

Summer goes to the telephone. It is half a metre away, so this scene is not a long scene. Just in case you were worried.

Summer: Hello, is this the relevant authorities?

Edward: I wonder who she's talking to.

Summer: And you can come and collect the uh dangerous individual I'm talking about?

Edward: I sure hope this dangerous individual isn't near me!

Police come in and arrest Edward.

Copper: You have the right to remain silent.

Edward: How could you do this to me Summer? We were going to be married!

Summer: I didn't want to be Summer Summers.

Edward: [being dragged off] You could have been Hayes-Summerrrrrrss

Later in his cell. Mr Red enters.

Mr Red: Hello Edward.

Edward: What do you want with me?

Mr Red: We've heard about your...mysterious power. We'd like to offer you a job.

Edward: I'm listening.

Later. Edward and Mr Red are walking in the government facility.

Mr Red: You'll be working in our devastating insults department.

They stop at a door with several obvious attack marks.

Edward: What are these...

He gestures at the marks.

Mr Red: They're not the most popular guys.

They go through the door. Sitting around a table are five guys and three girls.

Gus: Hey, Mr Red, your wife still living in Montana?

Ted: Because she should!

Edward: That's a devastating insult? It doesn't even make sense.

Mr Red dries a tear from his eye.

Mr Red: Now listen here, you've got to work with this kid. Try and insult him.

Edward: Woah wha-

Mr Red leaves and slams the door.

Sam: So, nice sweater. Where'd you get it, your mom's pussy?

Edward: Where'd you get it, your mom's pussy?

Sam: He mimicked my voice perfectly!

Ted: You're a gay douche!

Edward: You're a gay douche!

Ted collapses onto the floor.

Jen: He's impervious to our insults.

And so the weeks went by and Edward got to know Jen some more. He was very happy in his job and with Jen the world seemed a bright place. They got married and moved to the suburbs where they had two wonderful children. Except they didn't.

Sendrex: Sir! Your throat had exploded.

You see, it isn't just sound that enters the ear, but also air. His throat started producing air and his voicebox couldn't contain it.

What an ending. Everything was a death hallucination. Except the power was real, so fuck you people who say I'm a lazy writer! I thought of this for real.