irony

PLOT OF WANTED

RADIO STATION, TWO GUYS ARE IRONICALLY TRASHTALKING VISTA

MICROSOFT FANBOYS CALL IN; THEY ARE DISPARAGED

INTERLUDE

BUDDHISM TEACHES US THERE ARE SEVEN LEVELS

ASSASSINS CREED TEACHES US THERE AREN'T REALLY LEVELS ITS A SANDBOX GAME

ONE OF THE GUYS DIES, REGRETS NOT REACHING THE LAST LEVEL

"YOU ALREADY DID" [final breath] "you already did."

So This is a story all about how

First things first, this is an experiment. For all the weekdays of this week I will be writing a heavily fictionalised account from my own life. Maybe you'll get a whimsical script thrown in amongst these drowdy and laden pieces, but don't expect to much.

Realism, my friends, is the name of the game.

Like Common People

John is in the Common Room, taking a break between lessons.

John: Hey Stevie, where you going with that pizza?

Stevie: I can't talk now, I've got two dates ON THE SAME NIGHT

Josh: We should be getting back to further maths, John. Break is almost over.

John: Okay, we'll walk round the front way, like normal. The school is set out so that there is a car park out front and a field in the back and the sixth formers can walk through the car park while the rest of the students walk around the field.

Josh: Why did you just tell me that?

John winks.

Josh: No, John let's not go the front way, Mr Williams, the balding ugly man who probably dwells on what he used to be has said not to go round that way.

John: Haha, I'm not scared off balding Mr Williams, he is but a pathetic hulk of the former man he used to be once upon a time but no longer any more.

John and Josh approach the door that leads to the car park. Enter Mr Williams.

Mr Williams: Hey, John. Just to let you know, you can't go round the front way anymore.

Mr William's voice is incredibly embarrassing for everyone involved.

John: Can't I?

Mr Williams is incredibly hideous.

John: Maybe if I greased your palm with some money?

John is being cool, he knows he could crush Mr Williams in an instant. He is young and fit whilst Mr Williams is a balding, decrepit old man. John is young and full of vitality.

Mr Williams: My ethics are so weak that I do not understand what is currently happening. If I were a stronger man I would take you up on your bribe, that is how pitiful I am.

John: I guess you are self-aware, that could be good.

Mr Williams: Let me taste your young flesh, John.

John doesn't lose his cool, but instead bends down so he is at the same level as Mr Williams, for John is very tall, but Mr Williams is incredibly diminutive.

John: No.

John destroys Mr Williams with his brilliance and steps over his husk and walks to lesson the front way.

Josh: Can I suckle on your penis, John?

John: Of course, Josh, it is a Monday after all.

TV Go Home

Young virgin flower

I watched you blossom

I saw you in your spring

and now your summer

Let me caress your gentle petals

Allow me access to your womb

I want to plant my honeysuckle

Inside your hairless cocoon.

That uh, that one was not autobiographical. IT WAS A CHARACTER I PLAY. Anyway, let's get this one done quickly haha that is impossible it will be long into the night.

The Revolution Will Almost Certainly be Televised

If you remember, last time we saw our heroes, Janet and Simon they were just talking about a tv revolution. But as these things go we progressed beyond talk, into what could be described politely as action and impolitely as fucking action you fucking whore get out of my life.

Out tale starts two months after their first forays into revolution planning and onto the set of the talk show Hounded starring Rufus Hound.

Rufus: Our next guest is Andrew Ridley. What can I say about Andrew Ridley? He came rocketing on to our screens a month ago and already he's the darling of the comedy circuit. Get your ass over here!

Audience cheers as Andrew Ridley comes on. It is Simon.

Rufus: Hello, great to see you.

Simon: Great to be here.

Rufus: Now, I've got something to get off my chest-

Simon: I hope it's not your bra!

Audience laughs.

Rufus: I was worried you were going to pull punches tonight!

Simon: I only pull women, Rufus!

Audience laughs.

Rufus: Okay well.

Simon: Yep.

Rufus: I have to confess-

Simon: Confess to what, a crime?

Audience laughs.

Rufus: FUCKING STOP IT. [pause] I have to confess that the first time I saw you, I didn't like you, didn't find you funny at all. But in the short weeks you've been on our screens you've really shown us the truth inside all of u-

Simon: Get down on the ground!

Simon stands up and pulls out a gun.

Simon: You heard me! Get on the ground.

Rufus raises his hands above his head and gets on the ground.

Simon: Everyone stay where they fucking are!

Janet comes out of the audience with 10 guerillas. Cut to executives standing on side-lines.

Mr Hartley: Should we...

Mr Green: Ratings are uuuuup.

Simon: For too long have we watched TV crawl into the gutter. Well, we think it's high time that television bucked it's ideas up and got some good solid quality programmes that are worth watching and not on too late and not full of smut. So from here on in, we the people will be commissioning great television for everyone to enjoy. First programme is go!

Theme music plays.

Janet: Hey, welcome to the show. You know it's the first episode of Janet's Chats, but I can already tell we're going to have a good time. Our first guest is my friend Pete.

Pete comes on, audience applauds.

Pete: Great to be here, finally.

Janet: So, Pete, I hear you like gardening.

Pete: That's a long story

Janet: We've got time.

Pete: When I was eleven years old I had a dog. His name was Herby, on account of how he loved to dig up all the plants in my dad's garden. Herby wasn't the smartest dog, or the cutest but he was mine [continues]

Mr Hartly: I really hate this.

Mr Green: Hey now, let's see what the ratings tell us to do.

Mr Hartly: Ratings are way low.

Mr Green: I guess it's coup time.

The canteen. Joel and Matthew are making the food.

Joel: Well what can we do? It's not like it's easy to take power.

Matthew: They just took over. Using violence.

Joel: But think about it. We've got access to their food.

Matthew: That is smart.

Later, in the throne room.

Janet: Simon, let us dine on these succulent morsels.

Simon: Yes, let's.

They both reach for the shrimp and swallow it. Joel and Matthew leap out.

Joel: Aha! We've drugged your food.

Simon: You fool. You can't drug a druggie!

Janet: I'm too drugs for your drugs!

Matthew: Is this it working?

Simon: We should, we should totally just do it

Janet: That would show them if we, if we sexed in their faces

Simon and Janet collapse on the floor. They wriggle towards each other and then finally cease.

Matthew: Now we're the TV Kings!

Production assistants: Okay.

Their first show. Theme music. Title card "Minerva's Manorahs"

Minerva: Honey, have you seen my unabridged semitic DVD?

Joseph: You mean Jews Uncut?

Audience laughter.

Minerva: No, you schmuck, I mean the Larry Sanders boxset.

Audience laughter.

Joseph: Oy vey!

Audience laughter, end credits.

Joel: Okay everyone that was great.

Everyone begins to leave.

Joel: Could I see Mike for a second?

The actor who plays Joseph walks to Joel.

Mike: What's up?

Joel: I heard you were having problems with the role?

Mike: Oh uh-

Joel: I know about the Catholicism, Mike.

Mike: No, I'm uh a rastafarian

Joel: I'm afraid we have to let you go

Mr Hartly: Excuse me for a second.

Mr Hartly leans into Mike and gives him a handgun. He whispers in his ear.

Mr Hartly: Take your prize, Michael.

Mr Hartly exits. Mike and Joel stare at the gun for a second and then Mike slowly raises it to Joel's head.

Joel: Don't do anything you'll regret, Mike. Please, Mike.

Mike: I never did like Jews.

Mike fires the gun and then turns and shoots Matthew as well.

Mike: Every channel will show non-stop footage of a kitchen being oiled! Gay pornography will occasionally intercede! The word obey is banished from the building.

Mr Green: Actors. [he shrugs]

One year later. Helen and Avery are a lesbian couple.

Helen: I've noticed people are a lot more tolerant than even a year ago.

Avery: It's probably the drugs the government started putting in the water supply.

IS THIS THE AMERICA YOU WANT? WRITE TO YOUR CONGRESSMAN TODAY

Father/Son Bonding

Your petty government

Your Sacrament

Your words that you Sent

No one knows what you meant

You lost the meaning when you turned it from thoughts to words

And then again when people turned it from speech to what they heard

And what the herd heard is exactly what they want to hear

But it's not exactly near, your vision to here.

Okay, second script on the Second of February. This is good, this is progress. I've got an idea for a series for next week that you might find interesting, but for now, let's kick it over to the Rolling Stones oh wait they're not relevent I mean Britney Facebook Bieber Twitter

Jesse you gots to teach me Search Engine Optimisation

Father/Sun Outing

A park. A father and his son are walking next to each other. Michael and Scott are their names. Patrick walks by them.

Patrick: Why do you even have a son? You are not utilising the possibilities!

Michael stops walking and stares at Scott.

Michael: You're right! [to scott] Son!

Scott: Yes father?

Michael: I've got big plans for you.

Scott: Cripes, dad!

Michael: Son?

Scott: Yes.

Michael: Don't...don't talk like that.

Fight Montage.

Michael: Okay-

Sorry that should say Fight Mortgage.

Michael: Son, we're going to the the Fight Bank.

Sorry that should say Fight Wank.

Michael: Son.

Scott: Yes father?

Michael: This is going to be uncomfortable.

Sorry that should say ERECT

Michael: Son-

Which part should say ERECT? That is DELIBERATELY AMBIGIOUS!

Michael: Sun

Sun: Yes, human?

Michael: Good job, Sun. Keep on shining.

Sun: Glad to to have your support.

Scott: Was that sarcasm at my dad, son?

Sun: No, I really needed the validation of something a trillion times smaller than me.

Michael: Was that sarcasm at my sun, son?

Sun: No.

Dad: You knew what I meant!

Sun: DEATH TO AMERICA

Scott: Oh shit!

Sun: Nah I'm just playin'.

hey fuck you no one cares if it's short you're getting a script right the next day after you already got one

you disgust me and there's probably going to be one tomorrow as well

The First Step is Admitting You Have A Problem

No poem today only serious issues

Government trying to keep the black man down

Sending out crack and inventing AIDs

Tryin' to put every nigga in a hospital gown

But I guess it's better than prison or a foreign war

We shouldn't revolt; we should beg for more

Bend over for whitey til our backs are sore

Work real hard til our hands are raw

So I haven't done this for a while, because of the circumstances. Nah, it's because they're hard and I've been trying to get enough sleep so the scripts have been missing out.

SO BEARING THAT IN MIND IMMA DO IT TOMMROW nah I'm just playin'

Get Thee to a Punnery

A guy is pitching ideas to another guy, it's for tv programs and we've actually already seen this. Here is the original, same characters. I haven't reread it, so if they died or something at the end, a wizard did it.

Tom: So, Peter. What do you have for me?

Peter: Tom, I've got the hot shit. I've got the pizza pie, the Marty McFly, the flying castle in the sky.

Tom: You're fired!

Peter: Maybe this will change your-

Tom: You're fired!

Peter: Eat Your Fruits and Vegetables! Two teams have to eat as many flamboyant homosexuals and coma patients as they can.

Tom: I like it! But I suspect your next idea will be shit!

Peter: Get Your Fruits and Vegetable! Two teams have to chase down as many flamboyant homosexuals and coma patients as they can.

Tom: Nurse! Nurse!

Peter: I don't

Tom: That's the sound I'll be making when I die on my bed of money thanks to that idea! But it would be foolish to expect that because a mountain has gone upwards it doesn't end in a peak. You're fired unless you can pitch without a hitch!

Peter: It's a pop singer, called Jerarde. He's from France and all the songs he sings involved the following rhyme, "Loves an emotion, love's a commotion. I'm rocking for you on my heart locomotion."

Tom: TV?

Peter: We could put him on TV...

Tom: ...

Peter: ...

Tom: ...

Peter: Okay, well you've got candid camera.

Tom: Yeeeeees

Peter: The opposite of that!

Tom: Sooo, non-hidden cameras?

Peter: For not-pranks that are incredibly harmful! All filmed in bolivia.

Tom: But wasn't candid camera on TV?

Peter: I see the issue.

Tom: I am writing down that you pitched a failure.

Tom roots through his desk and finds a book. He opens the book and it is a table with Peter's successes and failures. The successes are many and this is apparently the first failure.

Tom: To go with all your other innumerable failures. You better pitch without a hitch, Peter.

Peter: You already-

Tom: Pitch!

Peter: I don't really have anything left, I kind of thought you'd go for the candid camer-

Tom: PITCH YOU BAG OF SHIT

Peter: Okay uh, it's called Fairly. Rapey. Igloo. Eskimos. Needling. Disco. Spiders.

Tom: Go on.

Peter: It stars the handler of the disco spiders. He's really funny. He's a Comic. Handler

Tom: Like a C.Handler?

Peter: Yeah, and there's the robot, Monitor. Cassette. Amplifer

Tom: Moni.C.A.

Peter: Yep, and also Phoebe, Ross and Joey.

Tom: We've got a contract with Jennifer Aniston. We need to find her a new TV spot. She hates film now.

Peter: Well, we could incorporate the character of Rachael from friends into this.

Tom: I know why you get the big bucks, Peter.

Peter: Thank you sir-

Tom: But there's still a whole world out there you don't know! I'm still the teacher!

6 months later. Margery and Ted are watching at home.

Ted: Is this Friends?

Margery: No dear, it's F.R.I.E.N.D.S....wait.

Ted: Time to revolt!

They revolt. Storming the Studio and-

That's another story for another time. What I'm gonna do is post a different story tomorrow, then we'll pick up this one possible the day after, allow I may feel differently then, of course.

YOU ARE SLAVES TO MY WHIMSY

Good MOURNING

My name is Jerry I like to go swimmin

I go down to the pool and look at the women

Put my goggles on and go underwater

Catch a sneaky glimpse of your wife or daughter

Whether she's hanging out or being cool

I can look at her titties at the swimming pool

It's a peep show for the price of these goggles

This bit doesn't rhyme because you should go get some goggles, go to the pool and seriously it's like they're just wearing their underwear.

Well, I haven't been running, although I probably could. I've been walking though and it's not too bad as the snow situation goes. Maybe next time I will go running. Oh and happy new year!

This next one is guaranteed to go off with a bang!

SPOOKtacular Viewing

An old mansion. A ghostly figure rises from the floor.

Gervin: Hellooooooo and welcome to a Spooktacular of spooktastic proportions. My name is Gervin, Gervin the ghoul and I'll be telling you three spooktastic stories to terrify and thrill. Our first story is about Edward the Atheist.

Edward is walking down the street.

Gervin: Now, Edward was an Atheist and didn't believe in anything supernatural. One day he was walking down the street and he saw a Christian handing out pamphlets.

Edward: WHAT ARE YOU DOING

James: I'm handing out flyers so that people will be save. I'm very reasonable.

Edward: Don't you know that religion causes all wars! People like you should be locked up!

James: You need to be saved.

Edward: I don't need anyone! I'm an atheist and all christians should be executed!

Gervin: Edward walked away proudly. He'd shown that stupid Biblebasher where it was at! But later that night...

Edward is asleep in his bed. Suddenly Satan appears.

Satan: Wake up Edward!

Edward: What??! But you don't exist!

Satan: Oh, that's what you thought! HOW WRONG YOU WERE

Satan drags Edward to hell and leaves him there. He is thrown into a pit of lava and he is whipped by demons and loads of other stuff.

Edward: If only I had listened to that Christian!

Gervin: But he woke up in his bed.

Edward: Oh, just a stupid ridiculous dream, it must have been because of that criminal Christian I saw today.

Gervin: How stupid the atheist was not to heed his lesson, because just then he had a heart attack and went to Hell.

Edward: OH NO!!!

Gervin: What a frightful story for us ghouls! Our next ghastly tale is about an ordinary housewife. It could be you!

A normal household. Glenda is an ordinary housewife.

Gervin: Glenda was an ordinary housewife, just minding her home. Doing some cleaning possibly. Then came the ring at the door.

Glenda: I wonder who that could be.

Glenda opens the door. It is a man in a suit holding a brown package.

Mr. Black: Allow me to introduce myself. I am Mr. Black. I work for an organisation that specialises in scientific research. May I come in?

Gervin: Glenda lets Mr Black into her home. LIKE AN IDIOT

Mr. Black: I am here to make you an offer.

Glenda: Will it be "an offer I can't refuse"?

Mr. Black: Perhaps.

Mr. Black reveals a box with a big red button on it.

Mr. Black: If you press this button, two things will happen. First, you will receive one million dollars. Second, someone you do not know will die.

Glenda: I'm pretty sure this is derivative.

Mr. Black: I'm sorry, what?

Glenda: There was a short story about this, they tried to make a film, but it wasn't very good.

Mr. Black: This is real life, you realise? I'm offering you a complex moral quandary.

Glenda: Well gee I wonder where the box will go next if I press it.

Mr. Black: I'm sorry what?

Glenda: If I press it, the last person who had the box is going to die, right?

Mr. Black: Uhhh...

Glenda: I'm right, aren't I?

Mr. Black: No...uh...shut up

Glenda: I have no interest in dying, thank you very much.

Gervin: What a spooky tale! Our next tale is very frightening, as it involves the supernatural!

A full moon. Pan down to see a spooky wood. A small girl dressed all in white is facing a tree. She turns around to reveal she has no face!

Gervin: OH GOD I SPOOKED MYSELF.

Gervin collapses on the floor and his spirit rises from his body.

Gervin: OH NO I'M A DOUBLE-GHOUL

Gervin dies of fright again.

Gervin: oh great I'm a triple-ghoul

Nate the ghast enters.

Nate: T-t-t-triple ghoul!

Nate dies of fright and becomes a double-ghast.

Nate: Oh great, thanks Gervin, now I'm a double-ghast.

Gervin: Shut up it was a real spooky tale.

Nate: THE CALLS ARE COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE

Simon wakes up it was all a dream. He goes over to the mirror and sees a gash on his chest. He turns to the camera.

Phew, spooky!

Follow your heart

ONCE UPON A CHRISTMAS EVE

BETWIXT A NORTHERN SLEIGH

A CHILD LISTENS WITH BOTH EARS

TO HEAR THE WINTERMAN SAY

I LIKE BITCHES WITH BIG BUTTS

I LIKE BITCHES WITH BIG TITTIES

I LIKE BITCHES WITH SEXY LEGS

I LIKE BITCHES WITH LITTLE CLITTIES

s'not 'propriate

Guess who's back? It's me you dirty mutha's. It's been raining and snowing and cold for so long. I haven't been running for so long and that's because of the weather. So I've decided to do this without running. Which is kind of stupid, but whatever. I wrote this at sk00l.

Repeat After Me

Edward Summers is working in his office. He is dictating to his robo-secretary.

Edward: Play the tiger sound again, Sandrex.

Sandrex: Certainly sir.

A tiger sound plays.

Edward: Mix it with a cloud.

It plays again with a dope beat behind it.

Edward: Okay, I think that's enough. Finish the report on how I'm working on a device that can mimic the aural nerve and then you can go home early.

Sandrex: Thank you boss.

Edward goes into his lab. He turns on a device that looks like a laser crossed with a metal ear. He slips and his head goes between the beam.

Edward: AAAARGHHHHHHHHHH

It is later that night. Edward wakes up on the floor.

Edward: I'm alive! And I feel like I can mimic any sound, reproduce any noise and replicate anything that enters my ear!

Edward looks around.

Edward: Also I'm alone, that would have been a weird thing to say outloud if there were people listening.

Sandrex: Well, I think it's weirder if there weren't people.

Edward: Sandrex! What are you doing here you stupid bitch?

Sandrex: You said you loved me!

Sandrex slaps Edward. She is a robot so he goes flying across the room.

Edward: Guh.

Edward mimics the roar of a tiger to scare Sandrex away. Sandrex malfunctions and falls on the floor.

Edward: What a power!

Edward Summers goes home to his fiancée, Summer Hayes.

Edward: I'm home, Summer.

Summer: Hello, darling

They make out.

Edward: Honey, I have some great news. I can mimic any noise I hear.

Summer: That couldn't ever get annoying. Excuse me I need to use the telephone.

Summer goes to the telephone. It is half a metre away, so this scene is not a long scene. Just in case you were worried.

Summer: Hello, is this the relevant authorities?

Edward: I wonder who she's talking to.

Summer: And you can come and collect the uh dangerous individual I'm talking about?

Edward: I sure hope this dangerous individual isn't near me!

Police come in and arrest Edward.

Copper: You have the right to remain silent.

Edward: How could you do this to me Summer? We were going to be married!

Summer: I didn't want to be Summer Summers.

Edward: [being dragged off] You could have been Hayes-Summerrrrrrss

Later in his cell. Mr Red enters.

Mr Red: Hello Edward.

Edward: What do you want with me?

Mr Red: We've heard about your...mysterious power. We'd like to offer you a job.

Edward: I'm listening.

Later. Edward and Mr Red are walking in the government facility.

Mr Red: You'll be working in our devastating insults department.

They stop at a door with several obvious attack marks.

Edward: What are these...

He gestures at the marks.

Mr Red: They're not the most popular guys.

They go through the door. Sitting around a table are five guys and three girls.

Gus: Hey, Mr Red, your wife still living in Montana?

Ted: Because she should!

Edward: That's a devastating insult? It doesn't even make sense.

Mr Red dries a tear from his eye.

Mr Red: Now listen here, you've got to work with this kid. Try and insult him.

Edward: Woah wha-

Mr Red leaves and slams the door.

Sam: So, nice sweater. Where'd you get it, your mom's pussy?

Edward: Where'd you get it, your mom's pussy?

Sam: He mimicked my voice perfectly!

Ted: You're a gay douche!

Edward: You're a gay douche!

Ted collapses onto the floor.

Jen: He's impervious to our insults.

And so the weeks went by and Edward got to know Jen some more. He was very happy in his job and with Jen the world seemed a bright place. They got married and moved to the suburbs where they had two wonderful children. Except they didn't.

Sendrex: Sir! Your throat had exploded.

You see, it isn't just sound that enters the ear, but also air. His throat started producing air and his voicebox couldn't contain it.

What an ending. Everything was a death hallucination. Except the power was real, so fuck you people who say I'm a lazy writer! I thought of this for real.

FUCK YOU CJ

AN UNFAIR COMPETITION

RIGGED AND DISGUSTING

CHEATS AND LIARS ALL

a fantastic script entered

IGNORED

IN FAVOUR OF POPULIST CLAPTRAP

Not sure if I mentioned, but I entered a sketch writing competition. I'm not bitter, and am pleased to congratulate Mr Cj Tuor, no matter how many things I have heard about his penchant for cock gobbling and racism. Indeed, I am able to look past the sickly bodily fluid-stained shell to see the boyman underneath. He truly deserves everything that he ever gets in the future.

Anyway here's my entry, retitled for modern audiences.

FUCK YOU CJ

A boardroom. Day time. Michael, Sheila and Tony are midway through a presentation to Sean, Robert, Mary and Susan.

Sheila: We're dynamic, we're synergistic and most importantly we're well coordinated.

Long pause.

Michael: So next time you need advertising, think Osiris advertising!

Sean raises his hand.

Michael: Sean.

Sean: Yes. I thought you were a printing company?

Flashback. Caption says 10 minutes ago. Michael and co walk through door.

Michael: Hello, we're Osiris printing and we've got a very special presentation for your company in particular.

Susan: What's the name of our company?

Michael: Hi, the name's Mike. I run a printing company.

Back to present-day.

Susan: So you can see how we might think you were a printing company.

Michael: In a way, we do still print. [Michael sees a poster on the wall saying “Follow your dreams”] We print dreams.

Sheila: Using advertising.

Michael: We print dreams using advertising.

Sean: Well, we've already got an advertising company on the books-

Michael: [to sheila and tony] Okay, they don't like the advertising.

Sheila: We're a manufacturing company!

Michael: Osiris manufacturing? Really sheila?

Tony: By RA's holy testes, we could be a logistics company!

Michael: That's dumb and so are you Tony. [Turning back to the boardroom] I'm here to talk to you about Osiris logistics, helping you with your logistical analysis and evaluation.

Robert: Logistics huh? WELL that's a different story.

Sheila: Yes, we're really very logistical. Do you have a lot of logistical needs?

Robert: Do I? Listen lady, I have a whole lot of logistical needs and all of them need satisfying.

Sheila: Well that sounds like an interesting business idea-

Michael: Stop whoring yourself, Sheila! Jesus woman, have some respect for your body.

Sheila: I-

Michael: Whatever. Gentlemen, hello! I speak to you on behalf of Osiris Insurance, providing business insurance with the grace of the god of the dead.

Mary: Is that good?

Michael: It's satisfying, Mary.

Sean raises his hand.

Michael: Yes, Sean.

Sean: It's creepy that you know all our names.

Michael: I do a lot of research before I present to a company.

Sean: What's the name of our company?

Michael: Don't you just hate it when you run out of pens?

Sean: Wha-

Michael: Well, those days are over, buddy, when you buy pen insurance from Osiris pen corporation.

Sheila: Top quality pens at low quality prices!

Robert: Surely a low quality price is one that is too high?

Robert points like an asshole.

Sean: Shut up, Robert, I want to hear about the pens.

Tony throws his arms in the air.

Tony: By Ra's sweaty flank, I'm bored as hell.

Michael: Shut up, Tony! Why did I even hire you?

Flashback. 10 days earlier. A small office. Michael is sitting behind a desk with Tony sitting in front of him.

Michael: Got any skills?

Tony: By Ra's powerful chin, I love egyptian gods!

Michael: You're hired!

Camera pans right, Sheila is in the room.

Sheila: Won't that get annoying?

Michael: Pfft, ever heard of a cool saying, Sheila?

Tony: Yeah, sheila.

Sheila: You didn't do it there!

Tony: By Ra's mighty heels, I don't know what you're referring to.

Present-day.

Michael: [to himself] I'm regretting that.

Sean: Listen, I think you guys should leave.

Michael: I respect your decision, Sean.

Michael, Sheila and Tony leave through the door. Through the window of the boardroom we see them arguing furiously.

Sheila: That powerpoint presentation did not go well.

Michael: Really Sheila? Is that why we're out here?

Sheila: I don't think it's necessary to shout. And I don't think it's necessary to go through so many fake companies before we say what we really do.

Michael: And I think it is necessary that we go through all the companies! It weakens their resolve when we tell them what we really are!

Sheila: I'm not saying the method's wrong, I'm saying it needs finessing! We could just have two fake companies-

Michael: Two? What is this, Burma? You want me to march in there and only say two fake companies off the top of my head?

Sheila: I'm just saying it might help.

Sean comes through the door.

Sean: Excuse me, we heard you arguing. Those companies you said were fake?

Sheila: [ashamed] Yes.

Sean: We really need a bunch of fake company names. I guess we'll hire you.

ALL: Hooray!

Flashforward. 10 days later. A man hangs from a noose from the ceiling of an office. He has his back to us and he rotates around. It is Michael.

Can you guess which recent script I cannibalised to make that one?

The person who guesses correctly wins a used towel.

New Start New Blog

A sickening blur stops

Suddenly and without warning

Why would you touch this

You cannot touch this

Seriously bro I mean

You cannot touch this

Do not try to touch this

Because you cannot touch this

So it's been a month since my last update. But there will almost certainly be an update following this one, because I recently entered the cracked sketch writing competition, meaning I can post the sketch once they announce that I haven't won. It's based off a sketch I wrote for this blog before, see if you can guess which one.

You know when I post it, which isn't now. Now I'm doing a sketch about the nature of satire.

Political Business

A writers room. David and Saul are the head writers.

David: Okay, it's a sketch about the coalition.

Saul: That's right on topical, Dave.

David: Thanks, Saul. I pride myself on being topical. So, it's a sketch about the coalition.

Saul: Topical.

David: We see David Cameron and he's paying a dog to lick his testicles.

Sally: So...the dog represents Nick Clegg?

David: Well no. Nick Clegg then walks in the room and pays a cat to lick his testicles.

Sally: The animals are...voters?

David: Well no. Voters then walk in and they're paying a menagerie of animals to lick their testicles.

Saul: No female voters?

David: Female voters get their outer labia licked.

Sauls shoots finger guns at David.

Saul: Smart thinking.

Sally: This doesn't seem like satire to me.

David: How so, Sally?

Sally: Nothing represents anything.

David: Really, Sally? Sounds like you don't have a dog lick your testicles.

Saul and David highfive.

Saul: Seriously though, you'd understand if you had a dog lick your outer labia.

Sally: You've both had a dog lick your testicles?

Sauls shoots finger guns at Sally. Sally turns to the other writers in the room.

Sally: And you've all had dogs lick your testicles/outer labia?

The other writers nod.

Harry: Mine was a tiny mouse.

Sally: Hrmmm.

Later. Sally has left.

David: Man, imagine if Sally gets a dog to lick her outer labia.

Saul: She could be great at writing political satire.

David: Yes.

David stands up and walks to the window.

David: Maybe too great.

Sally's flat. She is dialling a phone.

Sally: Hello, is that Dean's Pets and Pet Supplies?...Yes, what's your cheapest dog?...Uhuh...uhuh.

Dean's Pets and Pet Supplies. David and Saul have just entered.

David: Okay kill all the dogs. [to shopkeeper] Shopkeep! I'll buy all of your dogs!

Saul: I thought we were killing the dogs.

David: Yes, kill the dogs, as in buy all the dogs.

Saul: Phew

David: And then later kill the dogs.

Saul: Phew

Sally's flat.

Sally: That's the fifth pet shop with no dogs.

A warehouse.

David: Okay, so we were holding these dogs for resale and then the warehouse burned down.

Saul: Man the pigs will believe anything.

David: Yes. yes they will.

How did you like it? This is the first script for my new tumblr account.

Blasé Monsters

the forward thinking man has one eye on the prize

and one eye on his nuts

for what use is the price if you have nothing

nothing at all

to enjoy it with

the forward thinking man has two eyes on the prize

for he reasons that everyone else

will be too busy watching their own nuts

to go for other people's

So. It's been a while. But I need these breaks otherwise I'll stagnate and I might write scripts about the same things over and over. Any this next one involves a certain snake-themed superhero we all know and love I'm just kidding jesus you guys.

eh? what are you guys like.

Author feat Author

The lobby of a publishing house. Allen Bigsby is an author and is waiting. Cindy is a receptionist and Cranston Humberbatch-Potts is in his office.

Cindy: Mr Humberbatch-Potts will see you now.

Allen: Thanks.

Allen stands up and goes into the office.

Cranston: Mr Bigsby? How do you.

Allen: Just fine, Mr Humberbatch-Potts.

Cranston: Please that's far too unwieldy a name. Call me Cranston.

Allen: Sure sure.

Cranston: So. Otter and Castle Publishing House is very happy to be working with you.

Allen: I'm pleased. You liked the submission?

Cranston: Yes, very much so.

Allen: Just to go over it again, it's a murder mystery-

Cranston: I love it already!

Allen: You've already read it though.

Cranston: I read so many things. But not all of them by up and coming new authors like you!

Allen: [coughs] So. It's about a family who's father is murdered. It's about the relationships between the father and the rest of the family. [Cranston looks bored.] It's got a lot of uh...sexual tension.

Cranston: Hmmmm.

Allen: Racial...racial tension?

Cranston: Hmmm.

Allen: Racially sexual tension? Does that...does that work for you?

Cranston: Is this your first time working with a publishing house?

Allen: Well, an up and coming author has to surface somewhere. [nervous laughter]

Cranston: Quite. Well, I know that the houses you see on TV and all that portray our business in a certain light, yes, and that's all well and good. But here at Otter and Castle Publishing we generally don't have authors write an entire book their first time. We've always seen it as a little harsh asking someone to come up with a whole book at once. I mean a whole book! Who would ask for that?

Allen: I think in the past-

Cranston: Yes, but we mustn't dwell on the past! Now, we're going to bring in another literary genius like yourself to help you write your book.

Allen: So...so will he write murder mysteries?

Cranston: You could say that. You could very well say those words without it necessarily being true.

Allen: So this author knows about murders?

Cranston: He knows a lot about the "murders" of bad bicycle repair. So he "solves" these murders by writing books about bicycle repair.

Allen: Well in my book it's a father that gets murdered-

Cranston: It could be a bicycle!

Allen: Bicycles...I don't know how to make this clear without sounding patronising. Bicycles can't die.

Cranston: Hmm.

Allen: Or indeed, be killed.

Cranston: You'll have to talk about this with Yusef, your new writing partner.

Allen: Where will-

Cranston: My secretary will give you all my details. Now I have a very urgent meeting with a lady author! Going to write a book about sex. Sex? From a woman?

Allen: I hear they're often a big part of sex.

Cranston: Have fun with Yusef.

The next day, at the writing meeting with Yusef. They are together in a small room sitting opposite each other over a table.

Allen: So. You write books about bicycle repair?

Yusef: I will answer none of your questions.

Allen: Why no-

Yusef: Not unless you address me as the "Wordsmith Victorious".

Allen: You write books about bicycle repair, wordsmith victorious?

Yusef: That is the dream, Mr Bigsby.

Allen: So, do you know much about murder mysteries?

Yusef: I don't know, you didn't use my name.

Allen: You know much about murder mysteries, wordsmith victorious?

Yusef: Well I have only completed one.

Allen: You've only read one murder mystery book?

Yusef: I've only murdered one person.

Allen: That's uh

Yusef: A lot of people would judge me. Thanks you Mr Bigsby. You are a kindly soul.

Allen: Are you going to kill me?

Yusef: Only if this book is not entirely about bicycle repair.

Allen: I'll leave you to your work.

Anyway, the good part of this script was co-written by Paul Karl King, the sexiest beat poet in all of the frozen wastes of Canada.

The rest was written by John who got drunk and tried to get a girl at a party by shouting about nihilism. Life equals zero please sleep with me